Beer Bottle Jokes
102 beer bottle jokes and hilarious beer bottle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beer bottle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Beer Bottle Short Jokes
Short beer bottle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beer bottle humour may include short bottle jokes also.
- So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
- Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles? It happened to me once in a blue moon.
- 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer on the wall, 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around Error: Int overflow
- BLONDE ALE Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up. - My brother asked me why the bottle of beer he bought in the morning was half empty. I told him that it was because he was a pessimist.
- How do you open a bottle of beer? You don't. It should already be open by the time she gives it to you.
- I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.
- A bottle of beer enters a law-abiding bar during the prohibition era. The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here."
- My Dad dropped his beer bottle on his foot and broke his toe I told him a long time ago he should have switched to light beer
- What do you call a Michigander with 30 beer bottles? Not sure, but theyre soon to be two duecers drunker
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Beer Bottle One Liners
Which beer bottle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beer bottle? I can suggest the ones about beer drinking and beer brewed.
- What drink comes in a longneck bottle? Girraft Beer
- What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer? A really good watch.
- How do you call the biggest beer bottle? The alpha ale.
- Q: How are blondes and beer bottles the same?
A: They're both empty from the neck up! - If beer is basically bread in a bottle, what is beer from India? Naan-alcoholic
- Bottled beer is uncanny.
- I'm going to be a hero tonight... by rescuing beer trapped in bottles! Who's with me!?
- What do you call a beer bottle's illegitimate child? His glasstard!
- What similarity does a blond and beer bottle have? They both are empty from head.
- Why dont lions like bottled beer? They prefer giraffe(t)
- A concerned mother censors the 99 bottle of beers song Pop goes the weasel!
- What did one empty beer bottle say to the other? "I'm drunk."
- My mate threw a beer bottle at my head It didn't break the skin but it left a n**... Brews
- Confucius say: There is no half-empty beer bottle... ...only half-full p**... bottle
- its i**... to pick beer bottle up off the side of the road they're native artifacts
Cheeky Beer Bottle Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about beer bottle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bottles wine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beer bottle pranks.
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child.
The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**..., Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was u**..., he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a tavern.
As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it.
p**....
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
Jim is up north on a trip and his car breaks down.
He checks it out for a minute and being a mechanic he pretty quickly knows he needs a tow truck.
He opens his phone and has no signal so he starts walking.
A few minutes later he here's the bass of a car coming in the distance, bht dum dum do buh dum dum do.
He waits and sees a low riding car pull up next to him.
The windows roll down and smoke pours out.
He sees a bunch of empty beer bottles.
The driver and his 3 passengers ask "hey man! Need a lift? We saw your car up the road?"
He thinks for a minute and decides not to go with them.
The ask what's wrong with the car the mechanic replies "uhh just piston broke that's all" the driven than replies "eh so are we man hop in!"
The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The meanest, toughest and roughest h**... in the Yukon
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest h**... in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the h**... and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest h**... in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped n**..., bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the h**..., "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
After the North American Beer Festival...
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the "worlds best beer" a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me "The King Of Beers, a Budweiser" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Keystone says, "I'd like the only beer that doesn't give you bitter beer face, give me a Keystone Light." He gets it. The gal from New Glarus sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives her what she ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at her and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Spotted Cow?" Deb replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Snowboarders will Understand
Four snowboarders - a German, a Swiss, an Australian, and a Canadian - are taking a chairlift up a mountain. The German boarder pulls out a bottle of beer from his jacket, drinks it, and tosses the empty over the side.
"Ah," he sighs. "We have so much beer in Germany!"
Next the Swiss boarder pulls out a bar of chocolate from his jacket, eats it, and drops the wrapper over the side. "Mmm," he sighs, "we have so much chocolate in Switzerland!"
So the Australian boarder pulls out a jar of Vegemite from his jacket and starts chowing down with a spoon. The others are revolted, and before he finishes the Canadian boarder grabs him by his belt and tosses him over the side.
"Much better," he sighs, "we have so many of these in Canada!"
A man and his wife go to the grocery store..,
A man and his wife are walking down the cosmetic isle in the grocery store,
The wife says, "I am going to get this bottle of cream to make me look beautiful it is only $19.95"
The man replies,"You don't need that honey, just put it back."
The man and his wife walk past the beer,
The man says, "I am going to get this case of beer, and it is only $9.55."
The wife replies, "Honey, you don't need that case of beer."
He says, "Well, for just $9.55 this beer will also make you look beautiful."
Beer is good.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A man walked into a pub.....
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alligator and g**...
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says I will bet anybody that I can put my g**... into his mouth for 1 minute and take them out unharmed. Everybody put money into this and after 1 min he smashes a beer bottle on the alligators head and pulls his g**... out unharmed and offers anybody else a try. A woman puts up her hand and says "ill give it a try, but you gave to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle."
Brewery managers go to a bar
In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said:
- Por favor, Senor, could i have a bottle of Corona, the best beer in the world.
The bartender got a bottle, opened it and poured it to a glass.
Next up was Budweisers head manager, who ordered:
- A can of the king of American beers, Budweiser, Thank you.
The bartender gave him a can and a glass.
Then it was Guinness' head managers turn. He ordered:
- Could i get a large coke with ice, please.
The bartender gave him the coke while the two other brewery managers watched stunned. They had to ask:
- Why didn't you order Guinness?
The Guinness' head manager answered:
- I thought that if you fellows don't want to drink beer, I won't drink it either.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver walks into a bar with a pet...
A driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.
The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his g**... unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle:)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three are guys sitting around in heaven..
Three guys are in heaven, each sharing the story of their death. The first guy, propped up on his cloud recalls his ultimate demise. "Well, I had been sent home from work early one afternoon, and when I got home my wife was half n**... and obviously surprised to see me. I found a pair of men's pants in the lounge, and in my rage smashed the TV. Then I found a necktie in the bedroom, and overturned the dresser. THEN I found all the empty beer bottles on my bar, and threw the bar fridge out the window. In my rage I had a heart attack, and here I am.
The second guy frowns, and exclaims how strange that was. "Well, that is bizarre. I was taking a walk one day and was minding my own business, when out of nowhere I was struck by a falling fridge. I died instantly and here I am."
The third guy thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll tell my story but you ain't gonna like it. I was hiding in this fridge..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brewers Convention
There's a big convention of brewers from all over the world. At the end of the first day, Nils, Hank and p**... go for a drink together to share their thoughts. They get settled at the bar, and the landlord comes over to take their order.
Nils says, "I've worked for Carlsberg for ten years, so I'll have a Carlsberg." The landlord gets a glass, pulls a pint, and hands it to Nils.
Hank says, "Gee, I've been at Busch for twenty years: I'm having a Bud." The landlord takes a bottle from under the bar, opens it, and hands it over.
Then it's p**...'s turn. "To be sure, I've worked at Guinness since I was a wee boy, thirty years ago, but I'll have a lemonade," he says.
The other two look at him in disbelief. He turns to the landlord, shrugs his shoulders, and say "Well, if this pair aren't drinking beer, I'm not going to be the odd one out!"
A man walks into a bar and puts a shoebox down on the table...
He says, "I'll have a beer and a shot of Jack Daniels for my friend in the box."
The bartender looks down and sees a small man playing the piano. He brings the drinks and then asks, "Where'd you get this little guy?"
The man at the bar replies, "I was walking on the beach when I found a bottle lying in the sand. I was dusting it off when a genie came out and this was my first wish."
The bartender is thinking that maybe he can trade something for this guys wish. Now, this guy is feeling pretty generous so he agrees to giving up his second wish in exchange for free food and drinks. The bartender grabs the bottle, rubs it, and exclaims, "I wish for a million bucks!"
Then, the door slams open and a million white ducks come marching into the bar.
The man at the bar says, "I think the genie is hard of hearing."
"What makes you say that?" asks the bartender.
"You think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."
He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, c**... it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.
Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"
Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."
How to cook a turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?
A year in prison if there's any justice.
Four CEOs meet up at a bar
Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have pepsi, all the other CEO's spits out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he don't order a beer. The CEO of Guiness shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beer, then neither am I."
A group of 8 year old kids mysteriously get drunk at a slumber party
A boy has 5 of his friends over for a slumber party. His friends mom buys the kids two 2 liter bottles of Root Beer and begins serving it to the kids. Before the kids get through the first bottle they begin to act drunk, and the parents begin to notice that they smell like alcohol. One of the kids then throws up and the parents confirm that the kid has thrown up an alcoholic beverage. The parents set aside the rest of the Root Beer and call the police. The police arrive and inspect the rest of the Root Beer in the bottle from which the kids were being served. They find absolutely no trace of alcohol in the Root Beer, and are at first stumped, until one of the officers notices the glasses in which the parents were serving the Root Beer. The officer then looks at the parents and says "Here's the problem right here." Both parents look at each other, baffled. The officer concludes: "You served the kids Root Beer in square glasses."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The school principal is walking along the corridor
and sees a ten-year-old strolling in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette and drinking beer from a bottle.
The principal is outraged and cries out:
— What's going on here? Why aren't you at class? And how dare you smoke and drink alcohol at school? What class are you from?
The kid calmly blows smoke into the principal's face and says:
— Bourgeoisie.
Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!!
Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!
What did the empty beer bottle say to the other beer bottle?
I'm just not hoppy anymore man
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar and sees h**......
A man walks into a bar and sees h**....
"Hey, is that h**...?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to h**....
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
h**...'s right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
h**... becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
--
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.
A husband and wife...
Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.
Last request...
A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.
"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."
The general agrees and takes a step back.
"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today's youth are getting worse.
I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
Repentance..
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".
The Inmate on Death Row
An inmate is on death row, waiting to be executed. The guard comes to his cell and asks him what his last request is.
"Since, I don't particularly have a favorite food, I'm going to request singing a song instead, one time, and without interruptions," the inmate replied. "This song was one my dad taught me when I was a young child."
The guard nodded, and allowed him to sing his song.
The inmate takes a shaky breath and starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
My friends find it a bit odd that I store my alcohol on oversized versions of Pink Floyd's albums.
But, you know what they say: 99 bottles of beer on The Wall.
The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.
The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.
The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.
The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.
The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beer bottle, a mirror, and a c**... are all talking to each other....
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
c**...: Hahaha... (c**... walks off laughing)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!
How to catch an elephant
You need a boring book, a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers, and a beer bottle.
First, read the boring book until you fall asleep. When an elephant comes along he will look over your shoulder and read the book, and because it's so boring he will fall asleep too. So then you wake up! Now look at the elephant through the wrong end of the binoculars, grab him with the tweezers, and put him in the beer bottle.
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Three in floating in the Ocean.
Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. o**... picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can't be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads and said, Well now I guess we will have to pee in the life raft.
An alien enters a bar
An alien enters a bar and shouts the drinks are on me. He shouts out " everybody can drink whatever they want and as much as you want all night long" . So people start ordering bottles of champagne and whisky and beer all night. At the end of the night the drinks are sold out and the bartender says "that was an expensive tab OK that's $133,48,56 you owe me"
The alien then replies " No problem pal BTW have you got change of a zonk?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
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An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.
They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.
American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.
European: I'll have a watery r**...! I'll stay up for the drive.
Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!
The American and the European are astonished!! The European asks the Asian why he ordered all of that alcohol.
Asian: Isn't it obvious? You guys won't let me drive anyway.
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A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.
They picked it up and a genie popped out.
"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.
The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" p**...! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.
The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"
The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"
The genie answered, "Yes!"
The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."
I was in my kitchen
Drinking a beer, when suddenly it said "hey hiya, how's it going!" I was stunned. "Wow, you can talk?" I asked the beer.
"Sure!" It said, "All beers can talk."
"Oh really?" I asked. I picked up an empty bottle and said "Can you talk?"
"Mmrrphrrgaaaa!" Is all the empty bottle said.
"What's the deal?" I asked the first bottle, "why can't I understand the empty bottle?"
"Oh," it said, "he's drunk."
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
A man meets a fairy
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" , the fairy asks.
"Another one of those"
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Two guys are forced to share the last beer in the cooler
"You go ahead and have your half first", says the first guy. The other guy says "ok, thanks" and c**... the whole bottle down. "What the h**... was that?!" says the first guy, to which the other replies:
"My half was at the bottom..."
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island
One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.
The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.
The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh drinking a bottle of whisky making love to my wife". The genie again wisks him away.
The Irishman is left and says "It's a bit lonely here now I wish my two mates were back here with me".
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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
The hot farmer
A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in frustration." "Wait!" the bartender exclaims before reaching under the bar and grabbing a bottle of Windex and spraying the farmer down. "There. That should stop you from streaking."
Nickel & Dime Dining
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
How to make money off Valentine's Day
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
A priest is on a plane
A stewardess aproaches him and asks:
Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."
Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"
Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"
Priest: "Well then i will just take a bottle of water, the boss might see me otherwise"
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My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.
One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.
I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I'm sure.
I said How you feeling buddy?! mid-p**... and to my surprise he responded with just the word: Rough