Beer Bottle Jokes
102 beer bottle jokes and hilarious beer bottle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beer bottle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Beer Bottle Short Jokes
Short beer bottle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beer bottle humour may include short bottle jokes also.
- So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
- Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles? It happened to me once in a blue moon.
- 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer on the wall, 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around Error: Int overflow
- Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
- BLONDE ALE Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up. - My brother asked me why the bottle of beer he bought in the morning was half empty. I told him that it was because he was a pessimist.
- How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to him.
- How do you open a bottle of beer? You don't. It should already be open by the time she gives it to you.
- It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
- If I ever go missing.. you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
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Beer Bottle One Liners
Which beer bottle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beer bottle? I can suggest the ones about beer drinking and beer brewed.
- What drink comes in a longneck bottle? Girraft Beer
- What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer? A really good watch.
- How do you call the biggest beer bottle? The alpha ale.
- Q: How are blondes and beer bottles the same?
A: They're both empty from the neck up! - If beer is basically bread in a bottle, what is beer from India? Naan-alcoholic
- Bottled beer is uncanny.
- I'm going to be a hero tonight... by rescuing beer trapped in bottles! Who's with me!?
- What do you call a beer bottle's illegitimate child? His glasstard!
- What similarity does a blond and beer bottle have? They both are empty from head.
- Why dont lions like bottled beer? They prefer giraffe(t)
- A concerned mother censors the 99 bottle of beers song Pop goes the weasel!
- What did one empty beer bottle say to the other? "I'm drunk."
- How many bottles of beer does it take to kill someone? One, if you throw it hard enough.
- My mate threw a beer bottle at my head It didn't break the skin but it left a n**... Brews
- Confucius say: There is no half-empty beer bottle... ...only half-full p**... bottle
Cheeky Beer Bottle Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about beer bottle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bottle water jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beer bottle pranks.
There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.
The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.
A man and his wife go to the grocery store..,
A man and his wife are walking down the cosmetic isle in the grocery store,
The wife says, "I am going to get this bottle of cream to make me look beautiful it is only $19.95"
The man replies,"You don't need that honey, just put it back."
The man and his wife walk past the beer,
The man says, "I am going to get this case of beer, and it is only $9.55."
The wife replies, "Honey, you don't need that case of beer."
He says, "Well, for just $9.55 this beer will also make you look beautiful."
Beer is good.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A man walked into a pub.....
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Alligator and g**...
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says I will bet anybody that I can put my g**... into his mouth for 1 minute and take them out unharmed. Everybody put money into this and after 1 min he smashes a beer bottle on the alligators head and pulls his g**... out unharmed and offers anybody else a try. A woman puts up her hand and says "ill give it a try, but you gave to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle."
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."
He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, c**... it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.
Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"
Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."
What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?
A year in prison if there's any justice.
The school principal is walking along the corridor
and sees a ten-year-old strolling in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette and drinking beer from a bottle.
The principal is outraged and cries out:
— What's going on here? Why aren't you at class? And how dare you smoke and drink alcohol at school? What class are you from?
The kid calmly blows smoke into the principal's face and says:
— Bourgeoisie.
Did you hear that the Yankees cannot sell bottled beer in Yankee Stadium this year?
They lost their opener.
A man kills 5 flies...
He walks into the kitchen and tells his wife that 3 of them were male and 2 of them were female. The wife is confused. "How do you know?", she asks him.
"Well, there were 3 on the beer bottle and 2 on the mirror", he replies
A man walks into a bar and sees h**......
A man walks into a bar and sees h**....
"Hey, is that h**...?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to h**....
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
h**...'s right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
h**... becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
--
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.
A husband and wife...
Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.
Last request...
A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.
"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."
The general agrees and takes a step back.
"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"
The wife comes home......
The wife comes to home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, twho bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.
Husband: Are we expecting guests today?
Wife : Nope..
Husband : Then why did you buy so much bread?
Repentance..
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".
They won't be able to serve bottled beer this year at the baseball stadium.
They lost the opener.
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
The wife came home with four cases of beer,
*The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of v**..., two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread*
*"Are we expecting guests?" He asked.*
*"No," she replied.*
*"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!
i throw my beer bottle on the ground
And my son says "dad you're littering"
I reply "no son I'm dad" and start beating him
My friends find it a bit odd that I store my alcohol on oversized versions of Pink Floyd's albums.
But, you know what they say: 99 bottles of beer on The Wall.
I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking.
It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first says, "I'll have a beer."
The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer."
The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer."
Frustrated, the bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "You guys should know your limits."
A man walks into a bar
He quickly orders 5 bottles of beer. He immediately starts to drink the beer immediately, as fast as he can. In 2 minutes, he had already finished 3 bottles of beer. The bartender looks over and says, "Why are you in such a hurry?"
The man says, "You would be doing the same if you knew what I have."
The bartender replies, "What do you have?"
The man replies: "25 cents"
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar
CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "
Bad luck
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*c**... walks in laughing*
The Baptised beer
A drunkard was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Beer bottle, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."
A beer bottle, a mirror, and a c**... are all talking to each other....
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
c**...: Hahaha... (c**... walks off laughing)
A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
beer, mirror, and c**... argument
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
c**...: ...Hold my beer
What do you call a Michigander with 30 beer bottles?
Not sure, but theyre soon to be two duecers drunker
The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
Zero. It should be open when she brings it.
How to catch an elephant
You need a boring book, a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers, and a beer bottle.
First, read the boring book until you fall asleep. When an elephant comes along he will look over your shoulder and read the book, and because it's so boring he will fall asleep too. So then you wake up! Now look at the elephant through the wrong end of the binoculars, grab him with the tweezers, and put him in the beer bottle.
Three in floating in the Ocean.
Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. o**... picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can't be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads and said, Well now I guess we will have to pee in the life raft.
My Dad dropped his beer bottle on his foot and broke his toe
I told him a long time ago he should have switched to light beer
An alien enters a bar
An alien enters a bar and shouts the drinks are on me. He shouts out " everybody can drink whatever they want and as much as you want all night long" . So people start ordering bottles of champagne and whisky and beer all night. At the end of the night the drinks are sold out and the bartender says "that was an expensive tab OK that's $133,48,56 you owe me"
The alien then replies " No problem pal BTW have you got change of a zonk?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local pub.
The bartender took one look at him and says, You are under-aged. I can't serve you beer. The weasel asks, What can I have? The bartender replies, I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop. Pop! goes the weasel.
A bottle of beer enters a law-abiding bar during the prohibition era.
The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here."
A man walks into a bar...
There's only him, the barman and a guy about a foot high playing the piano.
'What you want to drink?' Asks the barman.
' any recommendations?' replies the guy.
' we have genie beer, you get a free wish when you open the bottle'
So the guy gets one, opens the bottle and asks for a million bucks.
Immediately a million ducks appear
' w**..., I wished for a million bucks!' the customer moans.
' tell me about it' says the barman ' you think I wanted a 12 pianist'.
An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.
They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.
American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.
European: I'll have a watery r**...! I'll stay up for the drive.
Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!
The American and the European are astonished!! The European asks the Asian why he ordered all of that alcohol.
Asian: Isn't it obvious? You guys won't let me drive anyway.
A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.
They picked it up and a genie popped out.
"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.
The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" p**...! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.
The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"
The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"
The genie answered, "Yes!"
The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."
A beer bottle, a mirror and a c**... go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, That's nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.
The c**... starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
A beer bottle is sitting on a table.
And it is saying Well you know if you break me you get a years bad luck
The mirror is sitting on the wall and saying Are you kidding me if you break me you get seven years bad luck
And the c**... is just sitting there saying HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I was in my kitchen
Drinking a beer, when suddenly it said "hey hiya, how's it going!" I was stunned. "Wow, you can talk?" I asked the beer.
"Sure!" It said, "All beers can talk."
"Oh really?" I asked. I picked up an empty bottle and said "Can you talk?"
"Mmrrphrrgaaaa!" Is all the empty bottle said.
"What's the deal?" I asked the first bottle, "why can't I understand the empty bottle?"
"Oh," it said, "he's drunk."
A man and his wife was sitting in the living room
Husband:Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
A man meets a fairy
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" , the fairy asks.
"Another one of those"
Two guys are forced to share the last beer in the cooler
"You go ahead and have your half first", says the first guy. The other guy says "ok, thanks" and c**... the whole bottle down. "What the h**... was that?!" says the first guy, to which the other replies:
"My half was at the bottom..."
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island
One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.
The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.
The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh drinking a bottle of whisky making love to my wife". The genie again wisks him away.
The Irishman is left and says "It's a bit lonely here now I wish my two mates were back here with me".
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
The hot farmer
A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in frustration." "Wait!" the bartender exclaims before reaching under the bar and grabbing a bottle of Windex and spraying the farmer down. "There. That should stop you from streaking."
Nickel & Dime Dining
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
How to make money off Valentine's Day
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
A priest is on a plane
A stewardess aproaches him and asks:
Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."
Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"
Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"
Priest: "Well then i will just take a bottle of water, the boss might see me otherwise"
My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.
One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.
I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I'm sure.
I said How you feeling buddy?! mid-p**... and to my surprise he responded with just the word: Rough