Beef Jokes

What are some Beef jokes?

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef.

The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."

Hindus are so chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

Russian computer: "Enter password"

Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

I don't quite understand this hate against vegans.

I've never had a beef with them.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Why don't Hindus argue with each other?

Because they can't have beef

I want my password to be beef stew

but google says it's not stroganoff.

Please enter your new password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password

ME: beef

WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff


credit goes to my girlfriend

What do you call a cow with Parkinsons?

Beef Jerky

What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

Tried to sign up to a website the other day...

I put my password as "beef stew"

It said password not stroganoff.

What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Beef Jerky

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Steak.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom.

If two vegetarians are arguing

Is it considered a beef?

What do you call a cow having a seizure?

Beef jerky

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call an epileptic cow?

Beef jerky

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

I just found out I couldn't use "beef stew" as a password.

Apparently it's not stroganoff.

A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop.

Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?

Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

3 bad dad jokes

I use these back to back to back all the time.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHHHHHH

Willpower

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A poor, homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A 1-2-3 punch of cow jokes

**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**

*Lean beef.*

**What do you call a cow with no legs?**

*Ground beef.*

**What do you call a masturbating cow?**

*Beef strokinoff.*

If two vegans are arguing...

Is it still considered beef?

I don't know why they need to specify that certain beef is ground beef...

... cause I've never seen a cow that could fly or swim

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerky

What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

Ground beef

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef. how about a cow with three legs? lean beef. but what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

your mom.

Hindus and vegans must be great friends

they never have beef

I only eat beef raised on marijuana...

I like it when the steaks are high.

Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight?

There was bad beef between them

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?

for meatier showers.

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

If 2 vegetarians argue...

... do they have beef?

Why are vegetarians never involved in Any drama?

They can't stand beef

Why isn't beef a good password

It isn't stroganoff

The Chinese 69 (Slightly NSFW)

A chinese couple get married. But theres one problem...shes a virgin and the man isn't very experienced either. The bed sheets are ready and the magic is about to happen.

The husband says, "What You Want? Tell me and I GIVE YOU!"
The wife says, "I want what they call..... 6^9..."
The husband says..."You want Beef with Broccoli?"

If two vegans don't like each other..

Is it still considered beef?

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?

Beef strokanoff.

Blond man joke

An Irish, Mexican, and blond iron worker were sitting on the top of a skyscraper under construction for their lunch break.

The Irishman opens his lunch box, "Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The Mexican opens his lunch box, "Tacos again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The blond opens his lunch box, "A ham and cheese sandwich again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The next day the Irishman gets corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican gets tacos and jumps to his death. The blond gets a ham and cheese sandwich and jumps to his death.

At their wake, their wives sit together to mourn the men.

The Irishman's wife laments, "If he would have told me he hated his food I could have made something else."

The Mexican's wife agrees, "I could have made my husband quesadillas or enchiladas."

The women look over at the blond's wife, who responds, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."

Vegans are good people

They never have beef with anyone.

Google said I couldn't use "beef stew" as my password.

It's not stroganoff.

There were a few sandwiches sitting on the table...

Although they were quite small, they looked absolutely titillating. The sign near them said they were free, so why not?

I grabbed a roast beef one, bit into it, and suddenly I heard a little voice telling me how good I looked, and how well I was dressed. I shortly realized it was coming from the sandwich. Confused, I grabbed another sandwich, this time ham and cheese. Same thing. It was telling me how nice I smell and how my hair is very well styled. Although very nice to hear, I was dumbfound. After all, how can a sandwich talk? Whatever.

I then noticed another tray of sandwhiches...but kind of out of view. I walked over and man...these looked like the best things ever made. I picked one up, but the moment I laid hands on it, it started cursing at me, called me ugly, fat, etc. Taken aback, I tossed the sandwich down and went to one of the caterers.

"What is wrong with these sandwiches? The first two I had were very nice and friendly...but the third was very rude and disrespectful..."

The caterer responded, "Oh, only the first two trays were complimenttray..."

A hungry man stops at a small restaurant along the road...

to buy something to eat. Behind the bar is a very attractive young girl smiling at him. Next to her is a board that reads:

* Tuna Sandwich $8
* Beef Sandwich $9
* Turkey Sandwich $8.5
* Handjob $5

After having read the board, the man asks the beautiful girl "Hey gorgeous are you the one giving handjobs for 5 dollars?" to what the girls replies "Yes sir" with a big smile.
The man then tells her "Alright then go wash your hands and make me a tuna sandwich"

My dad's favorite joke.

A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's gross, you should see him make donuts."

What do you call a cow masterbating?

Beef stroking off

A guy goes into a restaurant with his pet snake...

...and they sit down and the man orders.

"25 Hamburgers. Two for me, and the rest for my pet snake."

A little while later, the waitress brings the man his two hamburgers, and for the snake, a large plate with 23 cooked beef patties, nothing more.

The snake takes one look at the patties and turns away in disgust. The man asks the waitress, "You have to put them on hamburger buns like a regular hamburger for him."

The waitress protests, "But sir, we're short on hamburger buns as it is, and can snakes even eat bread?"

The man replies, "Look, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."

Why are vegans the best friends in the world?

They never have beef with you.

What's the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

Why can't Hindus get in fights?

They're not allowed to have beef

What's a social gathering where everyone has beef with everyone ?

BBQ

A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk...

Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"

The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"

How to curse like an Irishman

"Whale oil beef hooked!"

How to make Beef jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Beef to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Beef? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Beef pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes