Bedtime Jokes
53 bedtime jokes and hilarious bedtime puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bedtime that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your bedtime stories funnier with a few bedtime jokes! Need some jokes for your bedtime routine? We have some hilarious bedtime jokes for you to share with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or kids. Whether it's a "knock-knock" joke or a few mom jokes, we guarantee you'll be able to put your family to sleep with a smile.
Funniest Bedtime Short Jokes
Short bedtime jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bedtime humour may include short bed time jokes also.
- I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
- I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake. I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
- My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning. But that's whey past my bedtime.
- When I was young, at bedtimes... My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
- A child was sent to jail for staying up past his bedtime He got charged with resisting arrest.
- My girlfriend thinks my bedtime routine is perverted I mean, I hit the sack, and then I got to bed. What's the problem?
- When I tried to give my 3 yo a kiss at bedtime he hid under the blanket. What are you doing? I asked. I'm playing hide-'n-cheek
- I wake up happy, slowly get angrier, then eventually start lightening up and by bedtime I've come full circle and am happy one again I've got pi-polar disorder
- My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids. I thought "what a novel idea".
- Q: Who did little Johnny see when he snuck into the church late one night?
A: Pastor Bedtime.
Share These Bedtime Jokes With Friends
Bedtime One Liners
Which bedtime one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bedtime? I can suggest the ones about nap time and night stand.
- When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
- What did the momma cow say to her baby cows? It's pasture bedtime
- If you notice cows sleeping in a field... does that mean it's pasture bedtime? :)
- What do you call it when 2 seniors stay up past their bedtimes? An election.
- What did the momma cow say to the calf when it was up too late? It's pasture bedtime.
- My bedtime is 9:11pm... So I never forget.
- What do cows tell their calves at bedtime? Dairy tales.
- Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children: Bedtime.
- Meatballs told Spaghetti to go to bed.. ..because it was pasta bedtime.
- Why did the macaroni leave the party? It was pasta his bedtime.
- I like my women how I like my bedtime. 10
- Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries
- How do you start a Mexican bedtime story? Juans upon a time.
- What time is bedtime in Roy Moore's household? When the big hand touches the little hand.
- When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Bedtime Story Jokes
Here is a list of funny bedtime story jokes and even better bedtime story puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend wanted me to read her a bedtime story Jokes on her, every story is a Bedtime Story when you're in a coma.
- My favorite bedtime story... ...is the one where the cow jumps over the place where little boy blue is blowing the man on the moon.
Uplifting Bedtime Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about bedtime you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean goodnight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bedtime pranks.
A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...
during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers...
...when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then, sitting on the Pope's bed, He says, "Listen, you've been such a good Pope and devoted follower that I'm going to grant any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets to him. "As you know, God," he says, "I'm very attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really irritates me sometimes is all those s**... Polish jokes."
"No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there shall be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, He says, "Listen, I have to be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything else I can do?"
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally coming out with it. "M&M's, " he pronounces.
"M&M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all that...but I'll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you."
Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger, and it's getting harder and harder to peel them."
[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter
She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with out my teddy" "OK ill sleep together with you". With the bed sheets covering both of the the boy says "I like to put my finger in teddys' bellybutton" "OK"..... a while passes the babysitter exclaims "UM .. UM that's not my bellybutton" the boy smiles " that's not my finger"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy finds his Grandfather sitting out on the porch completely n**... from the waist down.
And he says, "Grandpa, where are your pants?"
The old man replies, "It was your Grandmother's idea. Yesterday I complained about having a stiff neck after sitting out here shirtless, so she suggested I stay out here pantsless before bedtime."
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
Good thing he didn't see what mommy did after bedtime ...
Don't let your teenage son or daughter drink too many calorific bedtime drinks.
You may end up with an oval teen.
Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed
Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?
floyd mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep
Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?
Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dad puts his kids down for bedtime
He says, "You're fat and s**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Child's Wisdom
"A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately s**... her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you? Yes, sweetheart,
he answered, God made me a long time ago. Oh, she paused, grandpa, did God make me too? Yes, indeed, honey, he said, God made you just a
little while ago. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, God s getting better at it, isn t he? "
A father regularly tells bedtime stories for his son
One day, the son asks the father if he could finally choose the book he wanted his father to read for him. The father reluctantly agreed and the son points to a book with a clock on the cover. The father immediately puts away the book, saying that he was saving it for later on.
Months pass when finally, the father retrieves the book. The son questions the father about why he has decided to bring it out now and the father responds, "it's *about time*".
Old washing machine
Husband is walking behind his wife and says, Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes round and the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says, I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!
Bedtime joke
One night I tucked my son in bed, and he wanted me to tell him a joke.
Tell you what, let's each try to think up a word that starts with 'F' and ends with 'uck.' His eyes widen to the size of saucers.
Let's see, I continue... I've got 'Firetruck,' what do you got?
A man was having trouble getting his wife to make love to him anymore
So one night just before bedtime, he offered her a glass of water and two aspirins.
What are you giving me these for? , asked the wife. I don't have a headache.
Great! said the man. Let's get started.
Mrs. Patel was reading little Rajinder a bedtime story. He asked, "what will I be when I grow up?" She replied, "you can be anything you want to be."
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a cardiologist, radiologist, anesthesiologist, neurologist...."
