Bedside Jokes
56 bedside jokes and hilarious bedside puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bedside that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the concept of bedside jokes - an alternative form of bedside manner. You'll learn how jokes can create a better night's sleep for both you and your child, as well as ideas for making enjoyable jokes that can be shared from a bed, crib, or sofa.
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Funniest Bedside Short Jokes
Short bedside jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bedside humour may include short nightstand jokes also.
- I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
- A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
- I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird.... I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!
- I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…
- My doctor has the best bedside manner. During my last prostate exam, he kept me calm by putting both of his hands on my shoulders
- Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One" I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."
- Jeff Bozos was cleaning his bedside lamp when a genie popped out. Genie: One wish only, my good sir.
Bezos: Name it. - Rumour... I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.
It's a false alarm. - DOCTOR(using best bedside manner): "Mrs. Nice Guy?" "I'm so sorry, but I have some terrible news..."
- What is so special about your favourite bedside table? It's the one nightstand you'll never forget.
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Bedside One Liners
Which bedside one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bedside? I can suggest the ones about night stand and deathbed.
- "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!" "That's alarming!"
- What's useful to have at your bedside? A pen is.
- My wife was dying I was by her bedside.
She said woo o oo, shut up and dance with me - Bedside gun racks, so you can wake directly from a nightmare and kill somebody.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Bedside Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about bedside you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean roadside jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bedside pranks.
Always there for you.
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Bedside Wife
A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He says "Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She says "No dear, save your energy."
He says " I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She says " I know, I poisoned you."
A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era
In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wise Italian Grandfather.
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Stand by your man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The Entertainment
A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."
Ol' Mr Periwinkle
Ol' Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room. Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle." He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time." Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room. A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and walks in his room. "Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says. "Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies. To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"
Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Godfather
An old Italian man was dying, so he called his grandson to his bedside: g**..., I wan' you to lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
But grandpa, I really don't like guns... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?
You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife. Lotsa money. A big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in a hospital, holding vigil at his wife's bedside...
...she has been in a coma for 3 weeks, the result of a terrible car accident. He is staring lovingly at her, lost in fleeting glimpses of the past, when a nurse enters the room carrying a pan of water, a sponge tucked under her arm. The man nods, kisses his wife on the forehead, and leaves the room. Several minutes have passed. He is alone in the hallway when the door opens and the nurse approaches him excitedly. Embarrassed now, she tells the man that when she tended to his wife's private parts during the sponge bath, his wife had moaned. She whispers that perhaps o**... s**... can bring her out of her coma! Puzzled, but willing to try anything, the man agrees and enters his wife's room while the nurse now waits in the hall. Minutes later, an alarm sounds from the equipment monitoring his wife. The nurse rushes into the room and sees the man at the head of his wife's bed, zipping up his pants. "I think she choked.'", he exclaims.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is at home, laying on his death bed...
...he knows he doesn't have much time left. His wife is in the kitchen, his daughter at his bedside. His wife is baking, and with what little senses he has left, he can smell she's making apple pie. He asks his daughter, "Do you think you can do me one last favor?"
"Anything," she responds.
"Do you think you could see if your mother could give me a slice of her apple pie?" he asks.
She says she'll see what she can do, and walks out. She comes in not two minutes later and says, "sorry, the apple pie is for the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A heavily pregnant Women and her husband are in a car c**...
They both fall into a coma and her twins are removed from the Mother's w**... by c-section.
5 months later the Mother wakes up from the coma and sees her brother by her bedside.
Immediately she remembers her pregnancy, 'are my babies ok?' She asks her brother.
'Yes they're absolutely fine, you had a boy and a girl and I have been caring for them' he exclaims.
'Have you named them?' the mother asks,
'Yes the girls name is Denise'
'And the boys?'
'Denephew'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Local Hospital Reports: "o**... stimulation effective on comatose wife"
A local hospital reports a man sitting bedside by his comatose wife, reading or praying for her return, gets his wish when he "accidentally" stimulates her breast as he leaned in to kiss her goodnight. She "moaned" he said to the Dr. on duty immediately after it happened. The Dr., inspired by such a moment, tells the man to go back in there, close the door and try o**... stimulation. The man quickly agrees and is alone with her for 3 minutes before he kicks the door open and yells.. "Doc doc! I think she's dead!" The Dr. runs in and asks "What happened?". Man says... "I think she choked to death!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?' No reply. 'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?' Faintly, came the answer ... 'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.' 'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that's for the f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the f**..., each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
Well, since we're confiding in each other, said the doctor, I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The real estate agent was aghast "I'm ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Husband in coma
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Colonoscopy
A man gets released from his first colonoscopy into the recovery room. His wife and doctor arrive bedside to discuss the results of his operation. Before the doctor can open his mouth, the wife says "Did you find his head?"
A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...
She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm *dead*."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up!' "?
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model...
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.
I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
c**...
Many years ago
Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a c**....
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'
To this day I'm not sure what was worse:
My Dad's knowledge and pride in what I was about to do,
or
Having used a c**... that was intended for my Mother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
No Bedside Manner
I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous. This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure, the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … Heck, he continued, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.
Wake up!
Following a serious argument couple decide not to talk to each other for a while.
Next night husband leaves a note on the kitchen desk: Wake me up at 6 in the morning, I have a flight.
When he wakes up at 8, panics and as he rushes to dressing room, sees a note at the bedside table: Wake up, it is 6!
What do blondes and bedside tables have in common?
They're both good for one night stands.
Macduff was on his deathbed.
He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."
Macleod nodded solemnly, and then asked,
"Can I filter it through my kidneys first?'
A man and a woman are making love...
...when the man notices a picture of another man on the lady's bedside.
The man panics and asks, "Who is this? Is this your husband?"
The woman smiles and says, "No... You're so hot when you're jealous!"
The man is still panicked and asks, "Boyfriend?"
The woman shakes her head.
The man is slightly relieved and asks, "Then who is it? Your father? Brother?"
The woman replies, "No..." She leans into his ear and whispers, "That was me before the surgery."
Anesthesia
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Italian man is dying and calls for his son
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatda you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'
A man is resting on his death bed...
As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.
"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.
The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"
"...Could you repeat that?"
Who is he?
After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
A wife found that her husband had hung himself after she came home one day
She found a note on the bedside table which read, "I'm sorry but I can't take your constant critism anymore."
She then quickly cut the rope, brought him down and somehow managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly became conscious again, she remarked:
"That's NOT how you spell criticism my dear!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
My brother is afraid that robots will replace him.
If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
A lawyer undergoes surgery
While undergoing surgery, a lawyer has a vision of God by his bedside.
"Am I going to die?" Asked the Lawyer.
"No my son," replied God, "You have another 30 years to live."
Unfortunately the surgery was unsuccessful, and the lawyer died shortly after the procedure.
The lawyer sees God again.
"I thought you said I have 30 years!" He cries.
"That is correct my son," replies God, "I've simply added up your billable hours."
A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.
"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," says the man.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?
What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.
A wife sits by her ill husband's bedside
Husband: You have been there whenever I get hurt
Wife: I know!
Husband: through every illness
Wife: yes
Husband: Whenever anything goes wrong
Wife: of course
Husband: I think...
Wife: tell me
Husband: I think you are bad luck
The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.
The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end . She says.
But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not? Said Charles.
That's right , she replied.
And the Symptoms are minor are they not? He continued
It's true, but my body is weak and I grow tired .
Suddenly, Andrew interjects:
Minor you say? Can't you just pay them to disappear ?
