Beds Jokes
61 beds jokes and hilarious beds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Beds Short Jokes
Short beds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beds humour may include short bed sheets jokes also.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
- I asked my wife why she married me. I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious! - I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
- If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
- James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
- A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed
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Beds One Liners
Which beds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beds? I can suggest the ones about mattress and lying bed.
- "I won't use stores that gender kids' beds" "Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start" - My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
- Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.
- How do you jump higher on a water bed? You fill it with spring water.
- How do you make a water bed more bouncy? Add spring water
- Just lasted over an hour in bed... Thank you day light savings
- 7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy Happy got out so they started feeling grumpy
- Did my wife leave me because I was bad in bed? A tiny part of me says yes.
- A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am I told her, "namaste in bed".
- How do the Lanisters make large beds? They put two twins together to make a king.
- What does Jeff Bezos do right before bed time? He puts his pjamazon.
- Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed? Because there is no spoon.
- What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed? "Sheet."
- My contortionist wife wants to do the pretzel in bed tonight. She's so knotty.
- I told my wife a joke when I got home. And then heard the guy under the bed laughing.
Silly Beds Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about beds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bunk bed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beds pranks.
How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?
Take away their beds...
Bedside Wife
A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He says "Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She says "No dear, save your energy."
He says " I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She says " I know, I poisoned you."
Visitors
Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."
Where do holy men sleep?
Monk beds.
I Hate Housework!
I hate housework!
You make the beds, you do the dishes
...and six months later you have to start all over again.
How do you turn a bunk bed into two regular beds?
You debunk it.
What is it when people sleep on top of each other?
Little Katy asked grandma 'what is it when people sleep on top of each other'
Grandma thinking Katy was old enough explained to her the birds and the bees.
Katy ran off but came back quickly saying:
"Grandma, mommy wants to see you right now and she is really mad! She said it is called bunk beds"
:)
Sandwich making
Two brothers shared a bedroom, bunk beds. The older brother had the top bunk. He wanted to bring his girlfriend over to spend the night. He tells his girlfriend if she wants it faster say lettuce, harder say tomato.
The younger brother wakes up hearing, "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, tomato." He yells up to his older brother and says, "I know you guys are making sandwiches up there but can you stop dropping the mayo!"
I used to work as a bed salesman
One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.
What kind of guys own race car beds?
The kind that like to finish first!
Why do flower beds have mulch?
So you can't see their underplants.
I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, "I'll get on top." I said, "Great, I'll get the ladder."
She said, "You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"
Gardeners
Interesting fact: Gardeners get to stay in their beds all day.
An old man sets up three beds in his room...
and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.
The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"
and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"
Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital?
It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.
Why are Lannisters like beds?
Push two twins together and make a king.
Soviet beds
In soviet union, we do not have two person bed, we have the three person bed.
Why?
Because comrade lenin is always with you!
No Bedside Manner
I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous. This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure, the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … Heck, he continued, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my wife...
If she wanted to do something i**... and it involves beds tonight. I can't wait to see her face light up when she finds out we're ripping all the mattress tags off this evening.
What do Ethiopian children call Venetian blinds?
Bunk beds
What do communists make their beds with?
Lenin.
Why do I have one of those beds that looks like a car?
Cuz I love the smell of freshly braked bed in the morning
Beds are the most dangerous items in the world
99% of people die on them!
My wife and I find that we get along better if we sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in New Jersey and mine is in California.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does a Gardener make a decent p**...?
They have experience dragging h**... outa beds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met this girl at a bar...
...and she invited me back to her apartment for s**... until morning but there were no beds or chairs...
It was a one night stand.
If bed bugs are found on beds
Where are cockroaches found?
Where do fingers sleep?
Nail beds.
Why do politicians have the biggest beds?
It is hard to screw most of the people in a small bed.
Why don't dogs sleep in beds?
Because they don't need to. They just ruff it.
Doctor, what happens when we die?
We just give the beds to a new patient.
Where do conspiracy theorists hate to sleep?
Debunk beds.
Sad dad joke
2 dads are laying side by side on their death beds in the hospital, ome dad turns to the other and says
"how are you holding up buddy?"
"Not good, the doctor said im dying"
"huh the docter told me same thing, I cant belive a medical professional would mess both our names up like that!"
Pre-
Beds give me....
Nightmares
Lego bricks are being used to help people with dementia and alzheimers...
They are being put at the side of their beds to remind the old folks to put their shoes on when they get up...
What's useful to have at your bedside?
A pen is.
If bed bugs are found in beds
Who came up with cockroaches?
If bed bugs live in beds...
then does that mean cockroaches and butterflies live in...?
What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear?
Everyone would fall asleep
Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.
My wife told me it is called a pre-natal sun burn . Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.
Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child's skin dark brown but he shouldn't feel any pain.
She told me that there's no cure for it at this time and that he will likely suffer from it for the rest of his life.
Please keep my son Tyrone in your prayers.
Did you know that on average, people want 3 covers on their beds at all times?
It's just a blanket statement.
How do you know if bedsheets made by a reditor is any good?
You check the threads.
A couple is waiting in line with other guests to register at a busy hotel, and eventually are told that the only available room has twin beds.
The husband looks disappointed and says, "We've been sharing a bed for 44 years. I don't know about that."
The wife says, "Can we at least put the beds close together?"
The other guests in line smile, and one even quips, "How sweet!"
The wife then explains, "It's just that if he snores, I want to be able to elbow him."
