Bedroom Jokes
115 bedroom jokes and hilarious bedroom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bedroom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some fun bedroom jokes? Our collection of husband and wife jokes about the bedroom will make you laugh out loud! Find out who really wins the battle for a clean master bedroom and who has the final say when it comes to the hallway door. Get ready for some great bedroom fun!
Quick Jump To
- Short Bedroom Jokes
- Bedroom One Liners
- Husband Wife Bedroom Jokes
- Bedroom Window Jokes
- Messy Bedroom Jokes
- More Bedroom Jokes
Funniest Bedroom Short Jokes
Short bedroom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bedroom humour may include short bathroom jokes also.
- A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..." - I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.
- Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement? My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
- What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window? The restraining order
- My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole" I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.
- People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer. We now live in a one bedroom unit.
- Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night... That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
- I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
- My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom This morning we synthesised a new protein chain
- If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace... how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
Share These Bedroom Jokes With Friends
Bedroom One Liners
Which bedroom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bedroom? I can suggest the ones about living room and dining room.
- Will buying a bigger bed... give me more bedroom?
- I put my pants on just like everyone else in your mom's bedroom in the morning
- My wife told me I should spice things up in the bedroom. So I decided to cumin her mouth.
- How did dinosaurs decorate their bedroom? With rep-tiles!
- Harry Potter walks into a bar Because it was on his bedroom window
- What do you call it when a lizard has problems in the bedroom? A reptile dysfunction
- When you buy a bigger bed... You have more bed room but less bedroom
- Let's play Clue: Royal Edition I'm guessing Charles, with a pillow, in the bedroom.
- I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land. Don't tell the owners.
- Why did Kim storm out of the bedroom on Kanye? Because he called out his own name in bed.
- If you get a bigger bed You have both more and less bedroom
- Why can't Saudi woman drive? There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.
- How did the mime keep getting laid? He could do unspeakable things in the bedroom.
- Where do tormented people sleep? In despair bedroom.
- There's a hot girl in my bedroom. So I turned on the AC.
Husband Wife Bedroom Jokes
Here is a list of funny husband wife bedroom jokes and even better husband wife bedroom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man and his wife were sleeping in their bedroom. The woman shouts in her sleep, "Run my husband is home!"
The man gets up and jumps off the window. - Wife stands in front of a mirror in the bedroom and asks her husband, does this make me look fat? husband says no, your fat makes you look fat.
- Husband: Honey I think we need to spice things up in the bedroom Wife: So tell me what you want, what you really really want
- A husband walks into the bedroom... ... and hands his wife 2 Advils. She says: "But honey, I don't have a headache!" ... To which he replies: "Aha, I got you! Let's have s**... then!"
Bedroom Window Jokes
Here is a list of funny bedroom window jokes and even better bedroom window puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've found that most girls make a lot of noise in the bedroom... Usually right after they see me at the window.
- I find girls tend to make a lot noise in their bedroom Perhaps they aren't expecting someone to be at their window.
- My neighbor's been stalking me I think my neighbor is stalking me. She searched up my name last night, I saw through her bedroom window. Thank god I have this telescope.
- I find younger girls seem to make more noise in the bedroom... I suppose they are not expecting to see a man outside their window.
- I looked out of my bedroom window last night and saw two blokes stealing my garden gate... I didn't say anything, because I didn't want them to take offence.
- I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I'll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she's left
- I woke up this morning to a noise outside, looked out my bedroom window and saw two guys trying to steal my gate. I didn't say anything, I don't want them to take offence
- I like to watch through your bedroom's window while you sleep... ... you are the only one of my neighbors who has a premium plan for their tv.
- There's something horrifying on the other side of my bedroom window The outside world
- Young women.. Young women make alot of noice in the bedroom.... I guess they don't expect to see anyone in their window...
Messy Bedroom Jokes
Here is a list of funny messy bedroom jokes and even better messy bedroom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a teenager, my mom always said that your bedroom is so messy that you will never get any self-respecting girl to come back here. Luckily they weren't the ones I was going after.
Silly & Ridiculous Bedroom Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about bedroom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kitchen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bedroom pranks.
The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
My daughter learned to count!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
The Heart Attack
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Blonde genies
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
My daughter came up to me and said
My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."
Wife spices things up!
A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a s**... supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".
Headaches
A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having s**... tonight!"
A child asks his grandmother, "Grandma, whats it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
The grandmother replies, "Why, that's called s**... i**...". The boy considers this, then runs outside to join his friends. A short time later the boy runs back inside and says, "Grandma, you were wrong, its called bunk beds, and Billy's Mom wants to talk to you.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
A man comes home really really drunk....
...clenching a bouquet of flowers.
He goes to the bedroom, turns on the light and in a slurry voice he says:
"Here ya go honey, these are for you.."
To which his wife angrily replies; "Oh well that's great, I guess now you expect me to spread my legs?"
The man looks at the bouquet, then back at his wife and says:
"Why, you don't have a vase?"
The 4 rules of marriage.
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
p**... has s**... for the first time
After finding out p**... had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.
"It was amazing," p**... gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."
"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.
"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," p**... replied.
Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
Foreign s**...
A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .
A Wife's Headache
A man walks into his bedroom, where is wife is reading. "Honey, I brought you some aspirin for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
"Gotcha!"
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
A man walks into the bedroom where his wife is sitting on the bed...
SJGROor0jCrTF4eXKHGGTmCUiLk3pHVJh20JLl3aH03G35xVKRXXNLITJD0vnpSJGROor0jCrTF4eXKHGGTmCUiLk3pHVJh20JLl3aH03G35xVKRXXNLITJD0vnpSJGROor0jCrTF4eXKHGGTmCUiLk3pHVJh20JLl3aH03G35xVKRXXNLITJD0vnpSJGROor0jCrTF4eXKHGGTmCUiLk3pHVJh2
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
My wife asked me to play doctor with her...
...she is now waiting for three hours in front of the bedroom.
Why married guys are fat
A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to bed.
A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to the fridge.
I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...
Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.
He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the h**...'s going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."
A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.
The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
I was at a party...
I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was s**... assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to s**... assault a girl...not on my watch.
So a dad catches his son m**......
A dad walks into his son's bedroom and finds him m**....
"Son! That is bad for you, it'll make you go blind".
"Dad, i'm over here''.
The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom...
so now I cumin her every thyme.
A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"
A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..
... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.
Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.
Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.
My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.
My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having s**....
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."
A little kid walks into his parents' bedroom while they're having s**...
The little boy asked, "What are you doing?"
His mother explains, "Your dad was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out."
The boy says, "That's really funny. Whenever you go out for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."
What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?
I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!
A mother cleaning her 12 year old's bedroom
A mum is cleaning her 12year old son's bedroom and finds a load of b**... gears and f**... magazines.
She asks her husband, "What do I do?"
He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do, don't s**... him!"
A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...
...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
The first time I had s**... was in my parents' bedroom
My girlfriend said "it's pretty awkward".
"Just ignore them", I said.
My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.
I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.
A woman is standing n**... in front of her bedroom mirror.
"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading. "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."
He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'
It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."
The husband begins packing his bags.
"What are you doing?" asked the wife.
"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and r**..., she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
A man comes home drunk...
As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...
Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?
Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...
As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH
Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???
Bob: Oh its nothing honey, i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.
Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?
Bob: I was still wearing it
I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.
Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
My wife came into the bedroom & said "Take off my bra"......
So I took her bra off.
She then said "Take off my p**..."
So I took her p**... off.
She then said "Stop wearing my underwear!!"
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm....
He says: "This is the pig I have to have s**... with when you're away."
His wife says: "Actually I think you'll find that's a sheep."
He says: "Actually I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
A man met a woman at a bar and she invited him home
Once there, they head straight to her bedroom. The guy sees her shelves are covered with stuffed animals. It seems a little weird, but he thinks maybe she didn't get many of them when she was younger, and now she's making up for it. Regardless, they jump in bed together.
After s**..., the guy says "That was amazing. How was it for you?"
She replies "You may have anything from the bottom shelf."
I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the s**... out of my girlfriend.
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage
He went to a l**... shop to get a s**... l**... for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.
Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go n**... and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom n**....
Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .
A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married
The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fridge.
A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: Can I talk to my wife, please?
The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I'll stay on the line
Very well, sir , the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a moment later, the butler returns to the phone.
I shot them both, sir. What should I do with the bodies?
I don't care, throw them in the pool
We don't have a pool, sir
Ah, sorry, wrong number
My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."
She yelled back, "How about now?"
A mom was cleaning her son's bedroom when she found a load of serious b**... gear & f**... mags.
She asked her husband: What do we do? Husband said: I'm no expert, but I wouldn't s**... him!"
Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.
How did you die?
I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?
A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time looking for her from the basement to the attic. I got exhausted and had a heart attack.
It's ironic.
What is?
If you had checked the freezer first, we would both still be alive!
My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.
So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.
Republicans want small government
So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom
A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom
The thief points a gun at the couple.
"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."
The woman says "Stephanie."
"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."
He points the gun at the man and asks his name.
"Phil. But all my friends call me Stephanie."
A man runs home from work
The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.
The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!
Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"
People don't know how lucky they have it these days...
When I was younger and wanted to look at s**... pictures, I had to sneak the Sears catalogue into my bedroom to look at the underwear and swimsuit pages.
But nowadays... anyone can hop on any smart device and just go directly to sears dot com
A woman is standing n**..., looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d**... near perfect.'
"Bedroom" is an anagram of "boredom"
How cool is that? My girlfriend discovered it during s**....
I'm the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.
Although, apparently that's not what my wife meant when she said we need to experiment in the bedroom
