Bed Jokes

167 bed jokes and hilarious bed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Tired of the same old jokes? Spice up your conversations with these hilarious bed jokes! From funny mattress puns to funny bunk bed puns, you'll find something for everyone of all ages to enjoy! Whether you're looking for jokes to share with kids, your husband, or just some funny puns to lighten the mood, we've got you covered.

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Short Bed Jokes
Bed One Liners
In Bed Jokes
Bed Time Jokes
Lying In Bed Jokes
Lying Bed Jokes
Bunk Bed Jokes
More Bed Jokes

Funniest Bed Short Jokes

Short bed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bed humour may include short sofa jokes also.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
Girl: Come over Guy: I'm coming over
Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over
I asked my wife why she married me. I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious!
I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.

(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

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Bed One Liners

Which bed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bed? I can suggest the ones about darling and bunk bed.

"I won't use stores that gender kids' beds" "Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start"
My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.
How do you jump higher on a water bed? You fill it with spring water.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy? Add spring water
Just lasted over an hour in bed... Thank you day light savings
How'd get a 200KG girl into bed? Piece of cake
7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy Happy got out so they started feeling grumpy
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake!
Did my wife leave me because I was bad in bed? A tiny part of me says yes.
A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am I told her, "namaste in bed".
How do the Lanisters make large beds? They put two twins together to make a king.
What does Jeff Bezos do right before bed time? He puts his pjamazon.
Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed? Because there is no spoon.
What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed? "Sheet."

In Bed Jokes

Here is a list of funny in bed jokes and even better in bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed
Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed I was really angry because he is actually really handsome
After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.
If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks." Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"
A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time
Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
The other night my wife and I had an argument, and by the end of it I had that woman on her knees! She was saying, 'Come out from under the bed, you coward.'
"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..." After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

Bed Time Jokes

Here is a list of funny bed time jokes and even better bed time puns that will make you laugh with friends.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?

Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.
Doctor: describe your average night Patient: they wear suits of armor
Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
Patient: they probably take it off
My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging... for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
Why are gamers bad in bed? They are always trying to beat their best time.
Let's hear it for snow!.. The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
What does a CIA Agent do when it's time for bed? He Goes Under Cover.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I told my daughter.... "Time for bed the cows are sleeping!"
She said "what's that supposed to mean"?
I said back " well it's pasture bedtime"

Lying In Bed Jokes

Here is a list of funny lying in bed jokes and even better lying in bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come.. I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.
Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."
Two blind man are lying on a bed. One asks another one:
-Hey bro are you jacking off?
The other one replies:
-Yes,why?
The first one says:
-Can you please switch to yourself...
A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."The wife replies,... ..."I'll miss you."
I don't trust my daughter's boyfriend. I think he's lying when he says my wife is great in bed.
A chicken and an egg were lying in bed... ..when the chicken turned to the egg, puffed from his cigarette, and said "Well that answers THAT question!".
Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume? It's less comfortable than your bed.

Lying Bed Jokes

Here is a list of funny lying bed jokes and even better lying bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

The Chicken and the Egg are lying in bed... The Chicken takes a drag of a cigarette and says... "Well, I guess that answers that question..."
A man is lying in a hospital bed. "Doctor, how long do I have to live?" asks the man.
"10," replies the doctor.
"10 what?"
"9."
Snowy White and the 7 dwarves... Snowy White and the 7 dwarves were lying in bed feeling happy...but happy didn't like it and got out...
I live every day like it is my last. Lying in bed consuming morphine while my family cries.
You should probably not trust me if... I'm in my bed, because I'm probably going to lie there
I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself: 'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'
So, it turns out my girlfriend is cheating on me I asked her what she was doing, she said she was in the mall with Becky.
I know that's a lie, because I'm lying right next to Becky in her bed
Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover... But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.
I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed! I walked in and it was gone.
Honestly, i'm not lying

Bunk Bed Jokes

Here is a list of funny bunk bed jokes and even better bunk bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I heard they're inventing a new kind of bed... ...but most of the theories I've heard are bunk.
I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, "I'll get on top." I said, "Great, I'll get the ladder." She said, "You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"
While going to sleep, my roommate always says that there is a hideous monster under his bed. We have a bunk bed.
What do you call a large group of bedbugs? Bunk bed bugs
I'm thinking of opening a new type of hotel. You will rent the bottom half of a bunk bed, and on the top will be a couple of your favorite celebrities.
Ill call it "sleeping under the stars"
I have trouble getting out of bed every morning I sleep in the top bunk
What did the customer say his reason for returning his mattress was? "You gave me a bunk bed"
How do you turn a bunk bed into two regular beds? You debunk it.
What do Ethiopian children call Venetian blinds? Bunk beds
What do you call 2 black people on a bunk bed? An Oreo

Hilarious Bed Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about bed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nightstand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bed pranks.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r... w... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.

So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"

My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"

She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.
You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.
Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.
Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.
So I guess this means you were Batman too.

h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50

h**...: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

My wife put on a s**... cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

What's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….

My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. Dad, can you call my iPad? She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied what do you want me to call it? She looked at me blankly. No…call my iPad she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed Emily's iPad over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

A girl and guy are laying in bed after s**...

She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.

how many screws hold together a l**... bed?

None it's all tongue and groove

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.
The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!
Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."

I was in bed with this r**... girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

My son asked me what a dilemma was?

"Imagine you're n**... and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...
Who you going to turn your back on?"

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car c**...?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."

A guy visits his favorite d**...

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed

Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

Why did the rabbit suspect his wife was cheating on him?

He kept finding different hares in his bed.

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

Women are discussing their s**... life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

I stopped smoking w**... the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.
Too soon?

Why are married women heavier than single women?

When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.

Headaches

A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having s**... tonight!"

the new maid

A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.
"Is this the maid"
"Yes"
"Well may I speak to my wife?"
"Well....she's in bed with a man"
The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot the both of them"
The husband hears the gunshots and the maid returns to the phone, telling him she shot both of them.
The husband says, "Now I want you to take both bodies and throw them into the pool"
The maid says, "What pool???"
The husband says, "Is this 387-6476?"

A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."