Beaver Jokes

What are some Beaver jokes?

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says

"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

What did the river say when it saw the beaver coming?

Well I'll be dammed

Why was the beaver homeless?

He just couldn't give a dam.

What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?

Dammit

What's the worst part about being a beaver?

It's a lot of dam work.

A beaver goes into a bar

A beaver goes into a bar,sees a mans standing behind the bar and asks,"is the bar tender here."

What do you call a Canadian tampon?

A beaver dam

[NSFW] Johnny was playing outside...

When he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "What's that?" She says, "Well, it's a beaver Johnny." The next day the same thing happens, except his mom is taking the shower. He says, "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."

What did the beaver say when he chipped his tooth?

Dam it!

Three men enter a hunting contest...

The rules of the contest are simple: A contestant must enter the woods, shoot an animal, return to the judges, and tell them how he shot it.

So the first man goes into the woods, and about an hour later he returns with a freshly shot beaver.
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the beaver.

Then the second man goes into the woods, and about 3 hours later he returns with a freshly shot deer.
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the deer.

Then the third man walks into the woods. The judges wait, and wait, and wait for almost a day. Eventually, the man is gone so long that they send out a search party for him. After hours of searching, they find the hunter. He is crawling along the ground, covered with blood and bruises, and both of his legs are missing. He groans with agony, and it's clear that he doesn't have much time left.

They scream, "Oh my god, what happened to you?"
With his last painful breaths, the hunter pulls a judge close and whispers into his ear, ""I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I got hit by a train."

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.


The young deer asked his mother, Why is the beaver building a dam?


His mother responded, Not for long. Watch and learn, son.


The mother then proceeded to destroy and wreak havoc on the dam the beaver had built, destroying it in the process. All the branches and sticks were gone with the wind.


Frank Lee was distraught and started to panic. You didn't have to do that, mother!


The mother calmly responded, Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give a dam.

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

Three blondes are walking in the forest...

..when they come to a set of tracks. The first one decides she is gonna try her best to look smart in front of the other two and claims that based by the look of the tracks they belong to a badger. The second trying not to be outdone claims that the first had it all wrong and they were definitely raccoon tracks. The third blonde then decides to argue her case and claims the tracks belong to a beaver. The three are still arguing 10 minutes later when the train hits them.

Where does a beaver priest live?

In a God Dam House!

What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

Anyone here eat a beaver before?

I hear they taste pretty dam good.

A toothless beaver walks into a pub and asks...

...is the bar tender here?

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

I saw a beaver movie last night.

And it was the best dam movie I'd ever seen.

Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

The Old Man and the Beaver (long joke)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.Β 
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up hisΒ walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.Β Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody elseΒ pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"

What's worse than finding a dead monkey on your piano?

Finding a diseased beaver on your organ.

I loved watching "Leave it to Beaver"

Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"

What did the beaver say after it hit a wall?

Dam!

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)

Madame

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

What did the beaver say to Satan?

Well, I'll be dammed.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked it to help stop the flooding affecting its grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

Beaver curry

A Canadian is showing his English friend around his hometown.

Canadian: "Have you ever tried beaver curry?"

Englishman: "Beaver curry,!?"

Canadian: " Yeah, it's like normal curry, but just a bit otter."

I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.

I otter know better.

What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

A beaver was praying to God, and said...

Oh goddammit

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

What does the beaver say?

It's just one dam job after another!

Whats the name of that beaver supporting group?

*Damnation*

Little Suzie Goes Swimming in a lake

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
Grandma Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. What's that?
Oh, her grandmother replies. That's my beaver, dear.
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. Mummy, is that your beaver? asks the girl.
Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that? her mother answers.
From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.

My beaver left me and she's never coming back

She said I'm not worth a dam.

What did the selfish beaver say?

I don't give a dam.

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?

" Leave it, it's Beaver."

What's worse than a dead muskrat under your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ.

A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

"Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

June was sore.

She scolded Ward Cleaver.
"You were awfully hard on the Beaver last night Ward!!"

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

What did the tree say to the bullying beaver?

Gnawed again.

Nostalgia: What did June Cleaver say to her husband, Ward, in the morning?

Don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night?

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall?

Dam it

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.

The young deer asked his mother, Why is the beaver building a dam?

His mother responded, Not for long. Watch and learn, son.

The mother then proceeded to destroy and wreak havoc on the dam the beaver had built, destroying it in the process. All the branches and sticks were gone with the wind.

Frank Lee was distraught and started to panic. You didn't have to do that, mother!

The mother calmly responded, Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give a dam.

If Missouri and Oregon became one state....

It'd be known as the show me your beaver state.

First attempt at dad jokes:what did father beaver told his son when he constructed his first dam?

Dam son!!!

What is a beavers favorite junk food?

Woodchips

Why was the Islamic Beaver upset?

He had to ram-a-dam.

Why did the beaver not get involved in the rival beaver's business scandal?

He was minding his own dam business

What do you call a singing rodent that lives in a dam?

Just-a Beaver

What did the catholic beaver say about his leaking work of art?

God dam it.

Why do beavers make the best neighbors?

Because they mind their own dam business.

What does an otter have that a beaver does not?

Otter parts.

How do you call bunch of single moms stuck in one place?

A beaver dam.

What does the beaver say when his wife is on her period?

Dam it!

What does the Beaver say when his wife's flow is too strong?

Dam it!

No. I'm not a taxidermist.

I did say I would stuff your beaver.

I saw a beaver build something before it set on fire,

Hot dam.

No matter what people said about the stingy beaver...

he didn't give a dam.

That's my beaver.

Little Johnny happened to wander into the guest bathroom one morning and noticed his grandmother taking a shower. After a moment of peering through the glass shower door, Johnny asked, "Grandma, what's that?" Startled, his grandmother replied, "That's my beaver. Now, run along and give me some privacy." Satisfied with her answer, Johnny ran off to play elsewhere. Several days later, Johnny wandered into his parents' bathroom where he witnessed his mother showering this time. Johnny pointed at his mother's crotch and declared, "Mommy, I know what that is!" His mother decided to humor the young lad. "Oh really, Johnny? What do you think it is?" "That's your beaver, mommy. Grandma has one too but hers is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."

An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman..

An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the Dr had to say about the wife being pregnant.

The Dr. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a beaver pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead.

The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.

I'd make a terrible beaver during the holidays...

Because I couldn't give a dam.

What did the beaver say when the bank wanted to foreclosure his home, and he would face prison time if he didn't?

I don't give a dam.

How to make Beaver jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Beaver to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Beaver? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Beaver pick up lines to share with friends.

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