Beauty Shop Jokes
54 beauty shop jokes and hilarious beauty shop puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beauty shop that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Beauty Shop Short Jokes
Short beauty shop jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beauty shop humour may include short beauty salon jokes also.
- I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds. - I wanted to chat-up the girl serving in the coffee shop, so I looked at her name badge and said: "That's a beautiful name... Trainee"
- A front end auto shop sponsored a beauty pageant to increase sales but it had the opposite effect when they started promoting their Miss Alignment Contest
- Q: You know why women haven't landed on the moon?
A: Because there is no shopping centre.
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Beauty Shop One Liners
Which beauty shop one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beauty shop? I can suggest the ones about body shop and barber shop.
- What was the first thing h**... bought from the beauty shop? Polish remover
Beauty Shop Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about beauty shop you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hair salon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beauty shop pranks.
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.
They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
A man is in a mall and sees a clothes store.
He sees a magnificent, brand new jacket in the shop window and decides he shall try it on and buy it.
So he walks into the shop and asks an employee: "Excuse me sir."
"How can I help you" the employee replies.
"Could I by any chance try on that jacket in your shop window?"
The employee looks at him and says "No you shall not you are to try it on in the changing rooms like everybody else!"
A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.
She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."
She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy's mind reels with shock, and he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife. He asks, "Were you the dancer at my batchelor party, who my friends paid to tie me up and ride me, while I was drunk?"
The lady responds, "No - I'm your son's Math teacher."
The Golf Club Mobile Phone
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. A man picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
"Hello," He says,
"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?"
"Yes," replies the man,
"Well I'm at the shopping centre," she says, "and I've found a beautiful leather coat. It's £450. Can I buy it?"
"OK," he replies, "go ahead and buy it if you like it that much."
"Thanks," she replies. "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked."
"How much was it?" asks the man.
"£37,000," she replies.
"For that price," he says, "I want it with all the options."
"Great," she says, "just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking £750,000 for it now."
The man says, "Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don't offer more than £720,000."
"OK," she says, "I'll see you later. I love you."
"Bye, I love you too." he says and then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he shouts out aloud, "Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?"
There once was a humble florist living in a small town...
He would sell his beautiful flowers to the townspeople every day. One day, some friars moved into the nearby, previously empty abbey. These friars, however, grew their own beautiful flowers to sell to pay for their expenses, and these flowers were grown in such abundance and sold so much that the florist was rapidly losing money.
A man in town noticed the poor florist's distress and offered him some help. "Hey, I know a guy named Hugh that can help you out here. See that big guy over there? That's him. By tomorrow he'll have dealt with these friars' intrusive business practices."
"Alright" said the florist, "I can't thank you enough." Though he had his doubts, he tried to trust the man.
The next morning as he went to his shop he noticed the friars had already packed up their things and were long gone. He found that man and asked, "How? How did you do it??"
"Simple" he stated, "Hugh, and *only* Hugh can prevent florist friars."
A guy passes by a shop with three beautiful watches in the window...
He goes inside, and says to the proprietor: "Those are beautiful watches you have on display, how much for one?"
The proprietor says: "Oh, those aren't for sale. We don't make watches here, we do circumcisions."
The man is a bit taken aback: "If you do circumcisions, why do you have watches in your shop window?"
The proprietor says: "Well, what would you put in the window?"
So, Alex had two parrots named Bob and Jim.
Alex was an older gentlemen, retired and fairly religious with lots of time on his hands. He figured it'd be fun to pass his time teaching the parrots to pray the rosary.
Alex went to his church, got a two small sets of rosary beads, gave them to Bob and Jim and got to work. After months of patience and no small amount of personal spiritual meditation, Bob and Jim could work the beads and recite all the prayers of the rosary.
Now, Alex wasn't *that* religious, which is why the first place he took Bob and Jim was the bar to show his friends, but sure enough one thing lead to another, and soon Alex found himself going from church to church across the country introducing folks to his praying parrots.
Alex was having the time of his life! He was so pleased with his adventures that he decided to teach more birds to pray. He went shopping, and found the most beautiful, brightly colored female parrot he'd ever seen. No sooner did he bring the new parrot in the door did he hear Bob say "Hey Jim! Throw out them d**...' beads! We finally got what we was prayin' for!"
A man and his wife go grocery shopping...
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A blonde buys a gun.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
The magic mirror
Some say that there is a magic mirror in a shopping ladies room that could grant any wish if you tell it the truth, but will make you disappear if you lie in front of it.
Once there was a beautiful brunette that found this mirror and said:
- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest brunette on earth!
*puff* and there she ceased of exist.
Then came a heartbreaking redhead and said:
- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest redhead on earth!
*puff* and there she goes too.
Then came a blonde, the most pretty girl you can imagine.
- I've been thinking... *puff*
The Jew at Confession
One day, a Jewish shoemaker walked in to a Catholic Confession and sat down. The priest asked, "Son, what sin has brought you here?" The Jewish man told the priest the story of how a beautiful nineteen year old woman had walked into his shoe shop. They struck up a conversation and ended up having s**... for hours. At the end of the Jewish man's story, the priest, curious, asked the man, "Wait, aren't you Jewish?" The man affirmed the priest's question with a brief yes. The priest, confused at this point, asks the Jew what he is doing confessing to a Catholic priest. The Jew responds quickly, "I'm not confessing! I'm telling everyone I see!"
Husband down.. Aisle 7
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price..'
WalMart's own brand of wine
WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...
...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
Christmas in July
A guy wants to get a really unique gift for his new wife for their fist Christmas together so he walks into a pet store with a sign advetising an amazing singing parrot. He goes to the counter to explain his situation and inquires about the bird. The shop keeper explains the bird would be perfect and takes the man over to show him what the bird can do.
The shop keeper explains that the bird's name is Chet and that he works on cues then produces a book of matches from his pocket. Lighting one he holds it below the parrots right foot and immediately Chet begins to sing "Silent Night" so beuatiful it rivals Perry Como. The keeper then moves the match to the left foot and Chet begans singing "White Christmas" even more beautifully than the first song.
The man exclaims "Thats amazing, does he know any other songs?"
Oh yes, replies the shop keeper as he moves the match to between the birds legs..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"
A religious horse
So, a man decides that he wants to buy a fine horse to get around with and race. He looks around town but can't find one for sale anywhere. At last, he finds an underground shop with a beautiful white horse.
He negotiates the price for the fine steed, but the owner warns him, "This is a special, religious horse. To get her to go, say 'praise the lord!' instead of giddy up. To get her to stop, say "Amen"
So he buys the horse and tests it. He gets on it and forgets what the man said. Then he remembers and says, "Praise the lord!" and it takes off. It runs and runs till he's at the edge of a cliff. He panics and says, "Halt! Stop! " but then remembers and says, "Amen!" and it stops, right on the edge. He says, "Oh, praise the lord..."
Brooke Gladstone told this on "On The Media" today. Told it to several people and no one else thought it was nearly as funny as I did except for my brother and my wife.
Okay. So a guy is going down the street and he sees his friend. He hasn't seen him for I don't know how long. And he has this big orange head. And, and he goes up to him and he goes, hey, what's with the big orange head? And he goes, you know, it's a funny story. I was, I was in an antique shop and I found this lamp and I, I rubbed it and a genie came out, it gave me three wishes. And so, I wished for a gorgeous house and, and you see behind me this huge mansion. Yeah, it's really nice. That's the house. And then I wished for a beautiful wife, and, and you see that really lovely blonde coming down the street. That's my wife! And, and then here's where I think I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
There's this shopkeeper named John...
His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."
He says, "What?"
"John. Sell your shop."
John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."
John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.
John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."
"But-"
"Take a hit, John."
John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."
John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.
The voice exclaims,"Un-f**...-believable!"
Free shoes
A very beautiful brunette with long hair, long legs and a petite figure decided to go shopping for shoes. Her friends warned her that the old, lonely man who worked at the shoe-store would try to look up her skirt to see her p**....
She really wanted a pair of shoes but was dismayed that the shoe salesman would try to look at her p**.... She thought for a while, and then went shoe shopping.
She found the perfect pair of shoes, and the shoe salesman gave them to her for free, saying it was the least he could do.
Her friends were all jealous that she got the shoes for free. They asked her, did he try to look up your skirt to see your p**...? She said yes, but I outsmarted him. When her friends asked how she had outsmarted him she said, I didn't wear any p**..., so he couldn't see them even if he wanted to.
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery store.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife.
They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
A guy walks into a flower shop
He buys beautiful, red flowers. As he's paying for them, the cashier winks at him and says "I hope these get you laid tonight".
The guy says "I hope not ... they're for my mom"
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: hey thanks!
Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!
Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?
Cashier: it is
Bagel: you have beautiful eyes
I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.
I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.
The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and I'm married to a beautiful 21 year old woman. We have s**... five times a day and she grants me my every desire".
"Wow" I respond "I'm lucky if I get s**... five times a month! How can you be sad with all of that?" The man pulled out a snot ridden tissue, wiped his nose and replied:
"I can't remember where I live"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.
"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.
Welder joke
A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he's done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner complements him on such fine work. The second weld is sloppy and unappealing. The shop owner asks "what's up with the difference in welds?" The welder says, "the first one is $25 an hour and the second one is $18".
Business can be generated any how!
An advocate goes to a gift shop 7 days before Valentine's Day.
He bought 40 beautiful cards and wrote - "To my love !! I hope you recognize! Meet me in the evening, "I love you"
The shopkeeper asked: What is the matter?
So the lawyer said - I sent such cards to the nearby colony on the last Valentine's Day. In a few days, I got four cases of divorce.
This time I am sending 40 cards
A man walks in a tattoo shop
And tells a tattoo artist:
Hey, i'm a bus driver, so i want a big and beautiful bus on my back.
Artist says No problem and gets to work. 10 minutes later he backs off and tells him Here you go, its done. What, already? asks the surprised man. Well, what did you expect? There is only 3 letters!
My local beauty shop was broken into last night.
CCTV footage shows a suspect moonwalking out carrying a large amount of moisturising cream.
The officer at the scene told the shop owner "You've been struck by, a smooth criminal".
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful", replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A husband and a wife are shopping
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. What do you think you're doing? says the wife. There on sale, 24 cans for $10 says the husband. Put it back we can't afford it demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and puts it in the cart. What do you think you're doing? Says the husband. It's my face cream, it makes me beautiful replies the wife. Her husband retorts
So does the Budweiser, and it's half the price .
Mr Penguin decides to go to the beach...
...as it is a beautiful hot summer day. He packs up the car and drives to the coast. Just before he gets there, the car sputters and backfires, and the engine starts to smoke. He's able to pull into an auto shop, and the mechanic tells him to come back in about 20 minutes.
Mr Penguin decides to walk around and window shop. He soon finds an ice cream parlor and gleefully orders a cone. Since he has flippers he has a hard time holding the cone, and ends up smearing ice cream all over his beak.
Mr Penguin makes it back to the auto shop and the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
And Mr Penguin says "Oh no, I just ate some ice cream."
A German worker gets a job in Siberia, aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends;
"Let's establish a code, if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink; it's true, if it's written in red ink, it's false"
After a month, his friends get the first letter;
"Everything is wonderful here, the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, cinemas show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair, the only thing you can't get is red ink"
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A husband and wife were grocery shopping...
He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: Gee, thanks!
Cashier: That will be £2.50 please. Cash or card?
Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...
Bagel: You have a beautiful smile
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
Blondes Joke
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"