Beauty Jokes
171 beauty jokes and hilarious beauty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beauty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funniest jokes about beauty, whether it's beauty sleep, a beauty salon, beauty pageants, beauty parlours, beauty shops, beauty therapists, and more. Laugh at voluptuous, shapely and inherited beauty with these hilarious jokes.
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Funniest Beauty Short Jokes
Short beauty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beauty humour may include short beautiful jokes also.
- Call a girl beautiful 1,000 time and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget - I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.
- I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby - I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
- If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
- I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds. - A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
- A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said... So he gave it to her.
- My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman... ... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me. - A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?" I Happily I replied," Yes...."
She took away the extra chair in front of me.
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Beauty One Liners
Which beauty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beauty? I can suggest the ones about pretty face and fashion.
- Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run
- Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can.
2/10 - Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- What do you call a beautiful girl in Boston? A tourist.
- What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
- When I see stars I think of you... Because you're only beautiful from a distance.
- QAnon has announced a beauty pageant The winner will be crowned Miss Information
- What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie? Sleeping Beauty.
- Some people think guns are beautiful. I think tasers are stunning.
- What do you call a beautiful women in England? A tourist
- What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast? The No Belle prize.
- My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.
- I met a beautiful woman in the museum in Paris I think I'm in Louvre.
- Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful" Student: Past
Beauty Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny beauty shop jokes and even better beauty shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to chat-up the girl serving in the coffee shop, so I looked at her name badge and said: "That's a beautiful name... Trainee"
- A front end auto shop sponsored a beauty pageant to increase sales but it had the opposite effect when they started promoting their Miss Alignment Contest
- Q: You know why women haven't landed on the moon?
A: Because there is no shopping centre.
Beauty Sleep Jokes
Here is a list of funny beauty sleep jokes and even better beauty sleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "You're so funny, kind, and beautiful." "Oh come on, you're just saying that so I will sleep with you." "And you're smart too!"
- What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
Aurora boring Alice. - What's the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night? Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
when your teddy bear hugs you BACK. - Why did Sleeping Beauty go to jail? She was under a rest
- Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki-- Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
- Disney princesses usually have a good reputation. But Sleeping Beauty is mistaken as a bad influence because she is always under a rest
- I slept over at my girlfriends house.. ...her dad did not want us to sleep together.
Which was a sin because he was really beautiful. - i once had a beautiful wife, she was always the prettiest when she was asleep. Unfortunately she died after i gave her too many sleeping pills.
Beauty Pageant Jokes
Here is a list of funny beauty pageant jokes and even better beauty pageant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
- What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion? Little miss conception
- I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today. Turns out it was a Miss Steak.
- Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant? Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".
- Jane: I miss England. Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.
- Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping. She was Miss Taken
- Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant? Because he was glowing.
- I'm thinking of starting a beauty pageant for women with Alzheimer's. The winner will be crowned Miss Remember.
- My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters She's the new Miss Stake.
- Did you hear about the debacle at the USDA's beauty pageant? They crowned a Miss Steak.
Beauty Salon Jokes
Here is a list of funny beauty salon jokes and even better beauty salon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the beauty salon overcharge jesus? Because he has extra nails
- The story of a heroic husband .... Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....
Husband - Well. Was it closed? - A man is taking a stroll... ... when he finds his mother-in-law. So he asks her "Hey, how are you doing?" and she replies "Good, I just came from the beauty salon!"
So he says "Oh, was it closed?" - Mr. T just opens his own beauty salon. I Pretty The Fool.
- MEANWHILE, an elderly couple. WIFE: I've just come from the beauty salon.
HUSBAND: Were they closed? - Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:
"So, how do I look?"
"Well, at least you tried..." - Do you know who the pioneers in AI (artificial intelligence) are? No. I don't know.
Beauty Salons. They apply all their intelligence to create something unnatural. - Why do Russian women go to Polish beauty salons on Halloween? They're not called uroda salons for nothing!
- Mr Miyagi's Beauty Salon is called Wax on, Wax AAaarghfff.
- Man's wife was gone from home all day When she finally came back late in the day, her husband asked
"Where'v you been all day?"
"At the beauty salon"
"Were they closed!?"
Comical & Quirky Beauty Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about beauty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean goodness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beauty pranks.
Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating?
Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This could be considered the ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of p**....
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
Q: What do lipstick and mascara do when they get in a fight?
A: They make up.
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roses are red, so are your lips. Sit on my face and wiggle those hips.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Hi, can I follow you home tonight? Sorry, that came out a little strong, my mom always told me to follow my dreams.
An angel appears at a faculty meeting...
... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde at the doctor's office
A gorgeous blonde pays a visit to a gynecologist. She undresses and lays down waiting for the doc. The doc enters the room and he's mesmerized by her beauty, totally loses his mind, and soon, starts having s**... with her.
She's quiet and not responsive, and the doc asks: You do realize what I'm doing, right?
She says: Of course, taking out my h**....
The Amazing City of Paris
During a trip to France, my sister sat next to me on the aircraft. Looking outside the window, I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing beauty of Paris.
Me: "Ah... How I'd love to be born in Paris."
Her: "I wouldn't."
Confused, I asked her: "Why not?"
Her: "Because I don't speak French."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was crying...
Guy: Why are you crying, miss?
Woman: *sobbing* I heard that people say I'm **ugly**.
Guy: Well, you know what they say, **real** beauty is not outside, but on the inside.
Woman: ...
Guy: So, what I suggest is that you stay inside and never go out.
Woman buys parrot
A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:
"HI GARY!!"
The Beauty of English...
Ever Noticed How Deleting One Word After The Other In A Sentence Can Lead To A Story?
e.g
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At All...
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At...
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me...
Oh John Please Don't Touch...
Oh John Please Don't...
Oh John Please...
Oh John...
Ohhh...
...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a child is walking with a stick
when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is s**... and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Beauty and the beast
Belle goes to a petting zoo with her four year old daughter. She bent down to pet a small pony and started coughing from an allergic reaction to the pony's fur. She pulled out a bottle of allergy pills as her strokes on the pony became more and more e**..., eventually causing it to sprout an e**.... A worker came rushing up to her hastily saying "please put that away. There are children here." Belle responded, "oh sorry. I was feeling a little hoarse."
All the single ladles
Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.
Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."
A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"
Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."
Several weeks later, a reply came.
"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."
One of my many niche-market jokes
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...
Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)
I got tasered by a female cop the other night..
never have I laid eyes upon a more stunning beauty.
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.
That's because it's imaginary.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A prince makes his way to a castle where he hopes to find the sleeping beauty...
...he indeed finds her, still asleep, but to his surprise there are already 3 other princes in her chamber apparently taking turns in b**... her. He asks what is going on, to which one of them replies "You can join right in, but make sure not to kiss her!"
Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
Here are some few movie jokes:
The Shining: A family's first Airbnb experience goes very wrong.
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the first thing h**... bought from the beauty shop?
Polish remover
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."
"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"
What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?
Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After his first time having s**... with Sleeping Beauty
the Prince was quite surprised at how loud she was in bed. "Wow, who are you?"
She replied "Aurora"
In a department store, where is your beauty?
Aisle of the beholder.
Lol I hate myself.
Beauty is only skin deep ...
but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying the sublime beauty of geometry...
He raises his glass and says, "Here's looking at Euclid."
Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....
A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!
It makes sense why Emma Watson is in both Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter
Both of the main characters are harry
Disney is already working on a sequel to Beauty and the Beast...
They're calling it The French Prince in Belle's Snare.
A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .
I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.
3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".
The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".
Did you see the winner of the Ms Saudi Arabia beauty contest?
Neither did I.
"Honey I'm home!', says a girl to her boyfriend.
"Where have you been?"
"I went to the beauty specialist!"
"Wasn't she there?"
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Why is Venus named after the Roman goddess of beauty?
Because it's the hottest planet in our solar system
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?
The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious b**....
Do you love me for my beauty or brains? asks the woman
Without missing a beat he replies: I love your self confidence dear
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do dominatrixes get so much beauty rest
They just love to hit the sack
Artist: "I always show my paintings to large rocks because I need their opinion."
Everyone knows that "Beauty is in the eye of the boulder."
Beholder must be a really nice person
'Cause beauty is in his eyes
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I finally know the moral of the story "Beauty and the Beast"...
As long as you're rich and have a nice house, a girl will eventually fall for you.
Ugliness has one advantage over beauty
It's permanent.
I almost failed out of beauty school
But they let me take a make-up exam
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey baby, if you were in a beauty contest...
You would come in second place.
Because Nobody looks better than you.
Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?
Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.
Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.
She is a dumb Belle
Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet
The view was breathtaking
My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!
Till she took it off.
My local beauty shop was broken into last night.
CCTV footage shows a suspect moonwalking out carrying a large amount of moisturising cream.
The officer at the scene told the shop owner "You've been struck by, a smooth criminal".
I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...
Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.
