Beauty Jokes

180 beauty jokes and hilarious beauty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beauty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the funniest jokes about beauty, whether it's beauty sleep, a beauty salon, beauty pageants, beauty parlours, beauty shops, beauty therapists, and more. Laugh at voluptuous, shapely and inherited beauty with these hilarious jokes.

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Funniest Beauty Short Jokes

Short beauty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beauty humour may include short beautiful jokes also.

  1. Call a girl beautiful 1,000 time and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
    Because elephants never forget
  2. I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.
  3. I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
    2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
  4. I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
  5. If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
  6. I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
    She replies: Why?
    I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
  7. A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
  8. A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said... So he gave it to her.
  9. A man asks god... Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
    God:"So you would love her."
    Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
    God:"So she would love you."
  10. Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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Beauty One Liners

Which beauty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beauty? I can suggest the ones about pretty face and fashion.

  1. Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run
  2. Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can.
  3. Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown
  4. Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing Well, except Chris Brown.
  5. I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
  6. What do you call a beautiful girl in Boston? A tourist.
  7. What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
  8. When I see stars I think of you... Because you're only beautiful from a distance.
  9. QAnon has announced a beauty pageant The winner will be crowned Miss Information
  10. What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie? Sleeping Beauty.
  11. Some people think guns are beautiful. I think tasers are stunning.
  12. What do you call a beautiful women in England? A tourist
  13. What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast? The No Belle prize.
  14. My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.
  15. I met a beautiful woman in the museum in Paris I think I'm in Louvre.

Beauty Shop Jokes

Here is a list of funny beauty shop jokes and even better beauty shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I wanted to chat-up the girl serving in the coffee shop, so I looked at her name badge and said: "That's a beautiful name... Trainee"
  • A front end auto shop sponsored a beauty pageant to increase sales but it had the opposite effect when they started promoting their Miss Alignment Contest
  • Q: You know why women haven't landed on the moon?
    A: Because there is no shopping centre.
  • What was the first thing h**... bought from the beauty shop? Polish remover

Sleeping Beauty Jokes

Here is a list of funny sleeping beauty jokes and even better sleeping beauty puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Whats Bill Cosby's favorite Disney character? Sleeping beauty
  • Being kissed while sleeping is the most beautiful expression of love. Unless you're in jail.
  • What's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney movie? Sleeping Beauty
  • "You're so funny, kind, and beautiful." "Oh come on, you're just saying that so I will sleep with you." "And you're smart too!"
  • Who's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney princess? Sleeping Beauty
  • What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
    Aurora boring Alice.
  • What's the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night? Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
    Horror night is...
    when your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
  • Why did Sleeping Beauty go to jail? She was under a rest
  • Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki-- Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
  • Your momma is so ugly when she gets her beauty sleep she falls into a coma!
Beauty joke

Beauty Sleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny beauty sleep jokes and even better beauty sleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Disney princesses usually have a good reputation. But Sleeping Beauty is mistaken as a bad influence because she is always under a rest
  • I slept over at my girlfriends house.. ...her dad did not want us to sleep together.
    Which was a sin because he was really beautiful.
  • i once had a beautiful wife, she was always the prettiest when she was asleep. Unfortunately she died after i gave her too many sleeping pills.
  • A beautiful woman was sleeping with two males... Her husband and her son.
  • After his first time having s**... with Sleeping Beauty the Prince was quite surprised at how loud she was in bed. "Wow, who are you?"
    She replied "Aurora"
  • TIL that Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky is Russia's most famous composer He composed, Swan Lake, The Nutcracker, sleeping beauty and president Trumps favorite composition Marche s**....

Beauty Pageant Jokes

Here is a list of funny beauty pageant jokes and even better beauty pageant puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
  • The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
  • A woman who injected her 8-year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. Reports say the child didn't look surprised.
  • What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion? Little miss conception
  • I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today. Turns out it was a Miss Steak.
  • Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant? Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".
  • Jane: I miss England. Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.
  • They held a beauty pageant for all those Fox News blondes... And named the winner "Miss Information".
  • Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping. She was Miss Taken
  • Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant? Because he was glowing.

Beauty Salon Jokes

Here is a list of funny beauty salon jokes and even better beauty salon puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..." "He took a long look at me and gave me $300"
  • Why did the beauty salon overcharge jesus? Because he has extra nails
  • The story of a heroic husband .... Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....
    Husband - Well. Was it closed?
  • A man is taking a stroll... ... when he finds his mother-in-law. So he asks her "Hey, how are you doing?" and she replies "Good, I just came from the beauty salon!"
    So he says "Oh, was it closed?"
  • Mr. T just opens his own beauty salon. I Pretty The Fool.
  • MEANWHILE, an elderly couple. WIFE: I've just come from the beauty salon.
    HUSBAND: Were they closed?
  • Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:
    "So, how do I look?"
    "Well, at least you tried..."
  • Do you know who the pioneers in AI (artificial intelligence) are? No. I don't know.
    Beauty Salons. They apply all their intelligence to create something unnatural.
  • Why do Russian women go to Polish beauty salons on Halloween? They're not called uroda salons for nothing!
  • Mr Miyagi's Beauty Salon is called Wax on, Wax AAaarghfff.
Beauty joke, Mr Miyagi's Beauty Salon is called

Comical & Quirky Beauty Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about beauty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean goodness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beauty pranks.

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.

This could be considered the ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of p**....
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

You're so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

Roses are red, so are your lips. Sit on my face and wiggle those hips.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

The Amazing City of Paris

During a trip to France, my sister sat next to me on the aircraft. Looking outside the window, I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing beauty of Paris.
Me: "Ah... How I'd love to be born in Paris."
Her: "I wouldn't."
Confused, I asked her: "Why not?"
Her: "Because I don't speak French."

A woman was crying...

Guy: Why are you crying, miss?
Woman: *sobbing* I heard that people say I'm **ugly**.
Guy: Well, you know what they say, **real** beauty is not outside, but on the inside.
Woman: ...
Guy: So, what I suggest is that you stay inside and never go out.

Woman buys parrot

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:

The Beauty of English...

Ever Noticed How Deleting One Word After The Other In A Sentence Can Lead To A Story?
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At All...
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At...
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me...
Oh John Please Don't Touch...
Oh John Please Don't...
Oh John Please...
Oh John...

a child is walking with a stick

when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is s**... and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.
Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."
A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"
Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."
Several weeks later, a reply came.
"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

One of my many niche-market jokes

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?

What is h**...'s favourite beauty product?

Polish Remover

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.

That's because it's imaginary.

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Two nuns were sitting on a bench in a park..

when a guy approached in a trench coat. He stopped right in front of them and exposed himself in all his natural beauty. The first nun had a s**.... The second nun was to slow.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Here are some few movie jokes:

The Shining: A family's first Airbnb experience goes very wrong.
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

In a department store, where is your beauty?

Aisle of the beholder.
Lol I hate myself.

Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....

A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!

It makes sense why Emma Watson is in both Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter

Both of the main characters are harry

Disney is already working on a sequel to Beauty and the Beast...

They're calling it The French Prince in Belle's Snare.

A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .

I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.

3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".

The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".

Did you see the winner of the Ms Saudi Arabia beauty contest?

Neither did I.

"Honey I'm home!', says a girl to her boyfriend.

"Where have you been?"
"I went to the beauty specialist!"
"Wasn't she there?"

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

If I am holding a bee, what is in my eye?

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Why is Venus named after the Roman goddess of beauty?

Because it's the hottest planet in our solar system

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious b**....

Do you love me for my beauty or brains? asks the woman

Without missing a beat he replies: I love your self confidence dear

A beekeeper was asked which species of bees he found to be the most pretty.

His reply: "Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder"

Why do dominatrixes get so much beauty rest

They just love to hit the sack

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.
The professor says, I should have taken the money.

I finally know the moral of the story "Beauty and the Beast"...

As long as you're rich and have a nice house, a girl will eventually fall for you.

Ugliness has one advantage over beauty

It's permanent.

I almost failed out of beauty school

But they let me take a make-up exam

Why are you wasting money on drinking ?

Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?
Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.
Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.

If you're holding a bee, what's in your eye?

Beauty, everybody knows beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.

She is a dumb Belle

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!

Till she took it off.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

My local beauty shop was broken into last night.

CCTV footage shows a suspect moonwalking out carrying a large amount of moisturising cream.
The officer at the scene told the shop owner "You've been struck by, a smooth criminal".

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

I went to college to study foreign affairs

And now I know how to cheat on my wife with a russian beauty!

Whenever my father, a bee keeper, would see a pretty lady walk by he would always say

"Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

It's up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong, said the first executive. Agreed, exclaimed the second. You teach her what's right.

A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had s**... over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"
"I don't know. I never found her head."

What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty.

Wife: I don't get it
(True story)

Before Mount Rushmore was carved...

Its beauty was unpresidented.

Why do the clothes in Beauty and the Beast look so old-fashioned?

Tailors old as time…

She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?"

I said "I don't think it's ugly!"
I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Beauty joke, She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?"

jokes about beauty