The Best 79 Beauty Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Beauty jokes. There are some beauty hallo jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these beauty respective puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Beauty Jokes and Puns

This could be considered the ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.



His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.

A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Beauty joke,  An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant?

Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".

The Amazing City of Paris

During a trip to France, my sister sat next to me on the aircraft. Looking outside the window, I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing beauty of Paris.

Me: "Ah... How I'd love to be born in Paris."

Her: "I wouldn't."

Confused, I asked her: "Why not?"

Her: "Because I don't speak French."


A woman was crying...

Guy: Why are you crying, miss?

Woman: *sobbing* I heard that people say I'm **ugly**.

Guy: Well, you know what they say, **real** beauty is not outside, but on the inside.

Woman: ...

Guy: So, what I suggest is that you stay inside and never go out.

Woman buys parrot

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:

"HI GARY!!"

Beauty joke, Woman buys parrot

The Beauty of English...

Ever Noticed How Deleting One Word After The Other In A Sentence Can Lead To A Story?
e.g

Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At All...

Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At...

Oh John Please Don't Touch Me...

Oh John Please Don't Touch...

Oh John Please Don't...

Oh John Please...

Oh John...

Ohhh...

...

a child is walking with a stick

when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is stupid and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

You can explore beauty inherit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean beauty graceful dad jokes. There are also beauty puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


One of my many niche-market jokes

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?

A man is taking a stroll...

... when he finds his mother-in-law. So he asks her "Hey, how are you doing?" and she replies "Good, I just came from the beauty salon!"

So he says "Oh, was it closed?"

What is Hitler's favourite beauty product?

Polish Remover

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

The story of a heroic husband ....

Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....

Husband - Well. Was it closed?

Beauty joke, The story of a heroic husband ....

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Who's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney princess?

Sleeping Beauty

Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.

That's because it's imaginary.


What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

Aurora boring Alice.

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

Two nuns were sitting on a bench in a park..

when a guy approached in a trench coat. He stopped right in front of them and exposed himself in all his natural beauty. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun was to slow.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

The man says, "I should have taken the money."

What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop?

Polish remover

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion?

Little miss conception

Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....

A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.

Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.

Lady: look carefully, it is me!

It makes sense why Emma Watson is in both Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter

Both of the main characters are harry

What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast?

The No Belle prize.

Disney is already working on a sequel to Beauty and the Beast...

They're calling it The French Prince in Belle's Snare.

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".

The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".

Did you see the winner of the Ms Saudi Arabia beauty contest?

Neither did I.

"Honey I'm home!', says a girl to her boyfriend.

"Where have you been?"

"I went to the beauty specialist!"

"Wasn't she there?"

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

If I am holding a bee, what is in my eye?

Beauty.

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Why is Venus named after the Roman goddess of beauty?

Because it's the hottest planet in our solar system

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

Do you love me for my beauty or brains? asks the woman

Without missing a beat he replies: I love your self confidence dear

A beekeeper was asked which species of bees he found to be the most pretty.

His reply: "Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder"

Why do dominatrixes get so much beauty rest

They just love to hit the sack

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beautyβ€”or ten million dollars.

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.

The professor says, I should have taken the money.

Ugliness has one advantage over beauty

It's permanent.

What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie?

Sleeping Beauty.

Why are you wasting money on drinking ?

Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?

Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?

Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.

Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.

If you're holding a bee, what's in your eye?

Beauty, everybody knows beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping.

She was Miss Taken

My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!

Till she took it off.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.Β  "I said I was 87!"

What's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney movie?

Sleeping Beauty

My local beauty shop was broken into last night.

CCTV footage shows a suspect moonwalking out carrying a large amount of moisturising cream.

The officer at the scene told the shop owner "You've been struck by, a smooth criminal".

A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"

"I don't know. I never found her head."

Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty.

Wife: I don't get it

(True story)

Before Mount Rushmore was carved...

Its beauty was unpresidented.

She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?"

I said "I don't think it's ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Was recently hired as beauty product model...

I was the "before" model.

Have a ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

It's beauty was unpresidented

Whats Bill Cosby's favorite Disney character?

Sleeping beauty

Last joke(joke3)

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him

How did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

"SIMPLE" grins the millionaire, "I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"WELL", He replied. "I said I was 87!".

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

Before Mount Rushmore was carved...

it's natural beauty was unpresidented. :)

Fight with wife

Neighbour: Hey, your wife was shouting & fighting with you this morning and then suddenly she stopped, what did you tell her?


Husband: I told her that she should not shout too much taking advantage of her beauty, that would cause dark circles around her eyes.

Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.

Everyone knows beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but what are in the hands of the beholder?

bees

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

I once saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

Mr. T just opens his own beauty salon.

I Pretty The Fool.

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the beauty passionately jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working beauty suns piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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