Beautiful Wife Jokes
91 beautiful wife jokes and hilarious beautiful wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beautiful wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Beautiful Wife Short Jokes
Short beautiful wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beautiful wife humour may include short english wife jokes also.
- I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby - I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds. - Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman? Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
- 8 years ago I worked up the courage to ask the shy, beautiful girl who sat next to me in history class to be my girlfriend. Today, I asked her to be my wife. She said no both times.
- The wife asks her husband -What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?
-Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you - Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring. She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"
I told her, "They don't make fake cars." - Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? He fired them.
- A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside... They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"
Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law." - My wife was none too pleased when I named our newborn daughter "Jen". I don't know why, I think Jen Italia is a beautiful name.
- Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty. Wife: I don't get it
(True story)
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Beautiful Wife One Liners
Which beautiful wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beautiful wife? I can suggest the ones about bad wife and wive.
- My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.
- Wife: I've just been back to the beauty parlour. Husband: Was it closed?
- My wife says I have a short attention spanish is a beautiful language isn't it?
- Typically when a woman is really beautiful, what does her husband do? His wife.
- I have beautiful children Thank god my wife is having affairs
- My wife has a beautiful face like a flower! A cauliflower!
- My wife once came in second in a ginger beauty contest.
- Bill Clinton has a smart and beautiful wife Let's just hope she never meets Hillary
- Today I shot a black man and his wife It was a beautiful wedding
Beautiful Wife Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about beautiful wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean future wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beautiful wife pranks.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
My daughter learned to count!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
An old man in tears
A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"
Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."
The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."
[first] at the party
a guy was in a party, belting drink after drink. After ten to fifteen minutes, he took something out of his shirt pocket, looked at it for a while, and put it back. A guy comes up to him and says "I've been watching you the whole time, may I ask what's in you shirt pocket?" the man replied: "It's a picture of my wife, and when she finally starts to look beautiful, it's time to go home
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jim and his s**... life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
A man and his wife have four beautiful daughters
They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?"
She says "Not this time, honey."
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...
...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
Two fisherman friends
Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.
* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.
A blond couple is in the hospital and the wife is in labor...
After a few laborious hours out pops a beautiful baby boy.
then, another!
Two beautiful twins!
however, the father is furious....
"Ok! who's the other guy you're seeing?!"
My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.
I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'
he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...
Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.
"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"
He doesn't respond.
"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"
He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."
Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"
Men Will Be Men
Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "
Guy is looking for a new secretary...
Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
The story of a heroic husband ....
Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon....
Husband - Well. Was it closed?
I just made this one up so cut me some slack...
A man and his wife are at the beach and she catches him staring at a beautiful woman. Predictably she gets mad at him.
Man: Honey, you know I only have eyes for you!
Wife: Then why are you ogling that woman over there?
Man: My dear, I assure you it doesn't mean anything. It is purely for educational purposes.
Wife: What do you mean?
Man: I've always wanted to study a broad!
(I'm sorry)
My wife is kind of lazy
We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.
"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."
"What, play the flute?" I asked.
"No, sit down all day."
Romantic men
3 men talk about their wives. The first one says: "My wife is like a butterfly, so delicate and pretty". The second one: "Mine is like a baby deer, beautiful and gracious". After a moment of silence the third one goes: "Now that I think about it mine doesn't look much human either".
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
A man and his wife are in an art museum and come across....
A portrait of a beautiful woman covered only in leaves. Wife goes to move on to the next exhibit and husband is still there staring at the portrait she asks what are you waiting for?
Husband says... Fall
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....
A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!
A man told his wife that he dreamt of a beautiful woman...
His wife asks: "Was she alone in your dream?"
"Yes, she was. How did you know?" - The husband replies
The wife says: "Because her husband was in my dream"
I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?
She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband Says..
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...
And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
Husband on second day of marriage :-
He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The beautiful wife
One day a man walks up to his wife with a question. "Honey, why are you both so beautiful and so s**...?"
She responds: "Well, god made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me."
The man nods.
"And he made me so s**... so that I would be attracted to you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...
The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".
The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead b**..., either".
Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?
Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.
Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men on a train both have black eyes.
Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"
Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful b**... girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"
Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you s**... b**...'."
A married couple has two beautiful children.
They are getting a third one but this time the child is super ugly.
So the man asks his wife: "Honey, did you cheat on me?"
The woman replies: "Not this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my wife was in her 20s, she was so beautiful I swore she was a siren
Now she just sounds like one.
My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"
She smiled and said, " No"
I said, "One day, one day"
A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.
The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband.
Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie.
Husband: that's very nice of you. But why?
Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite.
Husband: oh, thank you my love.
Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed and have s**....
The husband thinks for a moment..., then he says: mary, what happened to the car?
A couple are discussing starting a garden
"You know, I really love the roses and chrysanthemums," remarked the wife. "Maybe I'll start by planting those."
"Oh sure, why not," replied the husband. "Hey, let's start doing that now! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we don't have anything else to do."
"Alright, let me just run to the store really quick then," said the wife. "You see, I haven't actually botany yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.
He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.
"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but they needed names for the birth certificates, so I had to name them."
Father says, "That's not bad news. I trust you. What did you name the girl?"
"Deniece."
"Oh, that's a beautiful name! I knew I could trust you. What did you name the boy?"
"Denephew"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.
He said ain't she beautiful?
I told him if you think she's beautiful you should see my wife
Why? Is she a stunner as well?
No she's an optician
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father
Wife asks her man a serious question one day...
It was a beautiful morning, however wife had a serious question to ask her husband.
"Babe", she reckoned. "If I die tomorrow, how will you be affected by my death?"
Husband did not question the intent behind asking such a question, indeed he was smart.
"Babe, if I lose you, I'll become a madman, I'd drive myself CRAZY !", he reckoned.
Feeling satisfied with his response, she further questioned, "So you wouldn't marry someone else once I'm gone is it?"
"I don't know babe, a CRAZY man could do anything", he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not This Time
A man is blessed with four beautiful daughters but he always wanted a son. So he and his wife get to work and they try and try and finally are able to conceive a son. When the son is born, it's one ugly baby. The husband is visibly upset and suspects his wife cheated on him and decides to confront her. "We have 4 beautiful daughters and now look at our son. He is as ugly as can be. I want you to tell me the truth, did you cheat on me." His wife looks at him and says, "No my dear, not this time!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, a husband said to his wife, I don't know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.
The wife responded, Allow me to explain…
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tractors
So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.
One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
Few years later he goes on a date. The restaurant starts smoking and he says "Darling wait i got this". He s**... in all the smoke goes outside and blows it away. Everyone starts applauding and his date asks "How did you do that?". The guy says: "Im an extractor fan"
Trophy Girlfriend
Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.
They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she?
I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.
He said, Why? is she good looking?
I said, No, she's a optician.
in the restaurant:
Waitress: Hello, my name is Pam, what can I get you?
Husband: Hello Pam, you are very beautiful.
Wife: Why don't you tell her about your erectile dysfunction?
Husband: OK. Pam, this is my erectile dysfunction, her name is Jane.
A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"
The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him
"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar
He saw an attractive girl waving at him, but he's not so sure so he looks around to make sure that's him she's waving to.
The girl walks to him and said: "Hello!"
She was so beautiful with blonde hair blue eyes, but he can't remember knowing her.
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" - he asks.
"Yes, you're one of my kids' father!"
Now he panics, and recalls to that one time he cheated on his wife.
"Are you that stripper on my bachelor's party where we had s**... on the bar counter and all of my friends saw you spanked me?"
"k**..., but no, I'm your kid's teacher!"
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.
I told her: "You look like a beautiful shining star"
She replied: "Awhh..."
But then I added: "A neutron star" and she slapped me.
I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.
Anniversary
On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.
Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!
I suppose, the husband responded, we could vacuum.
My marriage is like a fairytale.
I was charming and my wife was beautiful, Once upon a time...
A guy met this girl in a bar....
.....and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good." A little later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay," she says again, "but it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." "Oh, well that's different." she says. "Where is she? Send her in!"
I told my wife when I first met her that I play a LOT of golf
I told her …
If it's a beautiful sunny day I'm gonna play golf
If it's windy I'll play golf
If it's rainy I'll play golf
If we're in a minor car accident, I'll drop her off at the hospital and go play golf…
She said she's a hooker…
I said you're probably not holding the club right!