Beautiful Smile Jokes

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.

The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".
The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great s**... for a week".
The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great s**... for a whole year!"
The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great s**... for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies.
"I don't have time for s**....But a talking frog is pretty neat."

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked the President.
“Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.
The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"
The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want".
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

Zeh Spring.

A French farmer is walking through a field when he sees a couple having s**... under a tree. He smiles to himself and says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". Then he looks closer and sees she is so pallid, and she's not moving, and then he realizes the awful truth -she is dead. So he thinks "zhat is disgusting" and runs down to the village to get help.
He runs into the bar and says "I was up in Martin's field and I saw a couple making love under a tree". The whole bar in unison sways "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The farmer says, "I thought that too, but the woman, she is dead!" The bar says "that is disgusting, we must get the doctor!".
So they run to the doctor. "Doctor, there is a couple in Martins field having s**... under a tree!", and the doctor starts "Ah the Spring.." - "No, no, doctor, we already said that - the woman, she is dead!" The doctor says "sacre bleu!" and runs up to check it out.
Half hour later he saunters in the bar and they ask "so doctor, this couple in Martin's field?" and the doctor says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The bar says "but the woman?" and the doctor says "but the woman what?" and the bar says "but the woman, she is dead."
The doctor says "Ah no, she is not dead, she is English".

Engineering students

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

In a crowded city…

at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.  As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. 
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. 
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" 
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!" 

Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

Ugly Woman in the Park

A young man was sitting on a park bench when a hideous middle aged woman walked by. 
The poor crone had two children with her, a young boy and a baby girl. 
The young man smiled at the lady, gestured to her children, and asked if they were hers. 
The woman replied that yes, they were indeed her children and thank you for asking.
The young man remarked that they were beautiful children, and asked if the boy and girl were twins.
The ugly woman was a little taken aback, but thanked the man, and asked him why on earth he thought that they were twins, given their obvious age difference.
The young man replied,
"I just can't believe that you got laid twice!"

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.
One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.
"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."
The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"
The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."
"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Little Johnny is in Sunday School,

and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?"
And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?"
Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that's what you pray with."
"Oh lovely, Thomas." says sister Jean
Then little Mary Margaret chimes in again "I think it's your heart, 'cuz that's where Jesus lives"
Sister Jean clutches her chest, "Beautiful, dear."
But then Johnny shouts, "It's your LEGS!"
Sister Jean looks stunned, "Your legs, John? Why?!"
"Last night I went in my mommy and daddy's room, and mommy was on the bed, with her legs in the air going 'OH GOD, I'M COMING!'"

A crusty old biker walls into a bar..

..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

$200

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Hopefully not a repost, but one of my all time favorites

So a man on a long trip decides to stop at a bar. He walks in, sits down at the bar and looks at the menu.
Soda: $1
Beer: $2
Hot Dog: $2.50
Hamburger: $3
Cheeseburger: $4
Then the man notices something at the very bottom of the menu..
Hand Jobs: $5
The man is a little confused, but then the bartender comes out, a stacked, beautiful blonde. She goes to him and asks "you like anything on the menu?" the man responds "are you the one that gives the hand jobs?" she smiles, "why yes I am" so the man says "ok, well wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger"

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."

A man was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and...

...said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful woman I will stay with you for an entire week!"
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket.
The frog cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a woman, I'll stay with you for a year."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful woman and that I'd stay with you for a year. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said: "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

The postman's last day

The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him.
He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies::
"Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me f**...'em, give'em a dollar!'."
The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, "Breakfast was my idea!"

Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really, really rich. *p**...* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. *p**...* She turns into a beautiful young woman.
Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *p**...* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!

A mathematician and an engineer agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful n**... woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in.
He explains the situation, and the engineer's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"
The engineer smiles and replied, "Of course! But in less than half an hour, I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

A rich man and a horse

There was a rich man that was driving past a farm, He looked over and saw a beautiful stallion standing in the field. The rich man thought, Wow I gotta have him so he pulled into the farm's entrance. He found the owner and said, "I want that horse out yonder in that field, how much do you want for him?" Well, the farmer said, "He don't look to good." Nonsense said the rich man "I'll pay you $1000 for him." But he don't look to good said the farmer. The rich man sighed and said $2000 dollars is my final offer. The farmer sold the beautiful horse to the rich man. Then one week later the rich man came back angry as ever and said, "Darn you you sold me a blind horse!" Then the farmer smiled and said "I told you, he didn't look too good!"

Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was ...

... a very boring river because the land was so flat there.
One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a dill pickle. All of a sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall!
People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. "How," they asked, "how did you know to toss the dill pickle into the river?"
The little boy smiled and answered, "I just thought of that old adage -- you know, that dill waters run steep!"

How was your night?

John and Roy, two good friends, decide to go out to a bar on a Friday night and have a little fun. After a while, the two get bored and they each go their own way.
John, a bit tipsy (and a performer at heart), decides to try out in the bar's karaoke competition. To his surprise, he takes first place and wins a huge trophy!
Roy, the ladies man of the two, tries to find the most beautiful girl in the bar, and low and behold, Roy gets to talking with an absolute knockout, 10 out of 10. Things start to get serious, and eventually they head back to Roy's apartment.
The next day, the two meet back up at the same bar.
"How was your night, John?" Roy asked.
"Fantastic!" Said John. "Veni, vidi, vici, as the saying goes. I came. I saw. I conquered. What about you?"
Roy thought for a minute, and then smiled.
"What can I say? Vidi, vici, veni."

Three children named Petal, Leaf and Fridge were about to have their first day of school...

When the three met the teacher of their new class, the teacher read the new student list and asked which one was petal. When petal put her hand up, the teacher asked, "What inspired your parents to give you such a beautiful name?". Petal explained that ," When I was 3 months old, a petal dropped on my head!". The teacher smiled and asked leaf where his name came from. Leaf said, " When I was 2 months old, a leaf came off a tree and landed on my stomach!" The teacher gave a cheery smile to Leaf too. Then she asked Fridge, "and umm... why did your parents call you Fridge dear? Fridge says "DUHHHHHHH!"

Princess and the Frog - er, *Engineer* and the frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?
The engineer said, Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

There was once a man who had a curse put on him by a witch....

There was once a man who had a curse put on him by a witch because he insulted her. With this curse he could only communicate by saying one word per year, or, if he didn't speak for several years he could build up a sentence.
Several years after being cursed, he meets the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He waits 2 years just so he can say 'My darling' to this woman as a way of showing expressing to her his intentions.
After waiting 2 years he realises that he is in love with this woman and so he decides to wait another 3 years in order to tell her this.
Having waited for 5 years to talk to this woman, he is committed to marrying her so he waits a further 4 years to ask her to marry him.
Finally, having waited 9 years he approaches his love and says, 'My Darling, I love you. Will you marry me?' With a dainty hand she brushes her hair behind her ear, turns to him with a loving smile and says, 'Pardon?'

Understanding Engineers

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool

Blondes and alligator shoes

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....s**...!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !

Triplet Trouble

A pregnant woman was shot three times in the stomach during the war. After the war, she gave birth to three beautiful sons. The years went by, and the kids became teenagers. One day, the first son comes to his mother and says:
"Mom, mom! I was peeing, and a bullet came out of me!" he says "That's fine, you had an accident when you were a baby." she explains.
A couple of days later, the second son comes screaming:
"Mommy! I was peeing and I peed a bullet!" he sobs "It's okay, that happened to your brother, too. Nothing to worry about." she comforts him.
The next week, the third son comes slowly walking to his mom, his face completely red, and says:
"Hey, mom... remember how bullets came out of my brothers last week?" he asks quietly "Yes, it's completely normal." she replies with a smile "Yeah, well, I was m**... and I shot grandma."

I bought a new car recently.

I got it for a great deal. Oscar Mayer w**... was going under so they sold me one of their w**... vans. I was really excited so I drove it around town to show off. I pulled up to a Starbucks because I was thirsty and as I was parking I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She watched me park and smiled as I walked over to her.
I introduced my self and we just started talking. She looked amazing, I complimented her on her dress. This led to a nice conversation about fashion. I began talking about this vest I recently bought at an estate sale. She seemed really interested and said, "We should set up a date, and maybe I can see you in the vest." I excitedly replied, "That would be amazing!"
Things were looking great until she said, "On one condition. You don't pick me up in the hot dog car." Well this upset me greatly and I wasn't sure how to respond. I thought about it for a moment and then I said, "If you can't handle me in my wurst you don't deserve me in my vest."

A shy guy walks into a bar...

... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:

-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?
Afterwards, the girl screams:
-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!
Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashamed, goes back to his table and asks for a beer. Several minutes later, the girl comes to him, smiles and tell him:
-Sorry if i made you feel bad. I'm studying psychology and checking how people reacts in awkward situations.
After that, the guy screams:
-WHAT? $200?

Trophy Wife

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Biker walks into a bar...

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A biker walks into a bar...

...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."