Beautiful Lady Jokes

A hippie in a bus sees a very beautiful lady and he goes to the lady and asks " can I do my way with you? " and the lady replies by saying "sorry i cant so that i am a nun my body and soul belongs to the lord" the hippie then walks away and exits the bus cause they have arrived and his bus stop but gets stopped by the bus driver " you know that nun always goes to the cemetery and prays so you should go there dressed up like jesus and ask her to do your way with her" says the bus driver the hippie says okay and waits till midnight and goes to the cemetery and sees the nun praying then he put his jesus outfit and asks the nun to do her way with her and he shall forgiver her sins and she says yes but do it from behind so i will not lose my virginity and they start to make love and when they were done the hippie rips his outfit of and says surprise its me the hippie! and then the nun rips her dress of and screams surprise its me the bus~driver!

A hippie in a bus sees a very beautiful lady and he goes to the lady and asks " can I do my way with you? " and the lady replies by saying "sorry i cant so that i am a nun my body and soul belongs to the lord" the hippie then walks away and exits the bus cause they have arrived and his bus stop but gets stopped by the bus driver " you know that nun always goes to the cemetery and prays so you should go there dressed up like jesus and ask her to do your way with her" says the bus driver the hippie says okay and waits till midnight and goes to the cemetery and sees the nun praying then he put his jesus outfit and asks the nun to do her way with her and he shall forgiver her sins and she says yes but do it from behind so i will not lose my virginity and they start to make love and when they were done the hippie rips his outfit of and says surprise its me the hippie! and then the nun rips her dress of and screams surprise its me the bus~driver!

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.

"Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

Once upon a time, in a far away land, a beautiful independent, confident princess met a frog, while sitting and considering the environmental issues of the world, at the side of an infected lake, in a very green meadow, near her castle.
The frog jumped on princess’ knees and said: "My sweet lady, once I was a handsome prince, until an evil witch cursed me.
I f you kiss me, however, I will become again that graceful prince I once was.
Then, my sweety, we will get married and we will live in your castle, and you will cook for me, you will wash my clothes, and you will give birth to my childre and you will feel so happy and graceful for being able to do all these things forever!"
That night, the princess enjoying her nice cooked frog legs, she chuckled inside and thought: "...and then he woke up."

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me.

After some moments I dared to ask her: "Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife."
The lady responded: "It is Chanel and from Paris."
After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.
Some seconds later she broke and said: "Offf... what is this smell my God"?
I said: "Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California."

Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course you may. What can I do for you?
Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.
With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?
From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?
I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything the saw, especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asks his father,"What is this thing father?"
The father responded,"Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't have the slightest clue."
While the boy and his dad continued to watch,an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and entered a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his dad watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch as the numbers began a reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.The father said to his son,"Go get your mother."

Weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon, he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!

The Lone Ranger

Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."
So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"
The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.
The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.
The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,
"Bring. Posse."

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said, We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!!

The magic mirror

Some say that there is a magic mirror in a shopping ladies room that could grant any wish if you tell it the truth, but will make you disappear if you lie in front of it.
Once there was a beautiful brunette that found this mirror and said:
- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest brunette on earth!
*puff* and there she ceased of exist.
Then came a heartbreaking redhead and said:
- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest redhead on earth!
*puff* and there she goes too.
Then came a blonde, the most pretty girl you can imagine.
- I've been thinking... *puff*

An Amish joke.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, filled Luke in on a little secret. Princess Leah is Luke's sister! Luke was obviously distraught! Freaking out, he went to find his master, Obi Wan Kenobi. Luke said to him, "Master Obi Wan! My beautiful wife is my sister! What do I do?!"
Master Kenobi, keeping his cool, looked his apprentice in the eye and said, "Luke, use divorce."

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.
"I wanna see Natalie"
The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.
"Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"
"No problem, I have money"
Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her
"Natalie?"
"Yes?"
"I want to spend a little time with you"
She smirks at the man's appearance
"It will cost you $1,000"
The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back
"I wanna see Natalie"
"Well it's still $1,000"
"O.K., I have the money"
He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves.
So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he's dressing and says
"You know it's the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from?"
"I am from Michigan"
Natalie sits up. "Really? I have a sister in Michigan"
The guy grins and replies "I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you"

The suavest save

One day, a handsome young fireman was on duty and was called to a burning home. He was told upon arrival that the house was only going to remain standing for another couple of minutes and that a young woman was trapped on the upper floor of the house. Without wasting a moment, he bravely made his way to the top floor, after quickly rushing through a sea of flames and sprinting past an inferno that was fueled by the skeleton of what used to be a staircase. Upon finding a beautiful young lady upstairs, seemingly his own age, he exclaimed, "come quick! The roof won't last much longer! We've got to go!" She revealed that her ankle was hurt and she told him he had to carry her. He hoisted her up, carried her towards the front door and tells her, "you know, you're the first pregnant girl I've ever rescued." The young lady was surprised and somewhat offended at this, replying, "but I'm not pregnant?" And the fireman, with a wink, suavely replied, "well you're not rescued yet."

The ladder to success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

The Jewelery Store

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man
and said "There's no money in that account!"
'I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...

Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.

Out on the golf course, a beautiful woman asks three men for some help with her putt.

"Whichever of you can help me sink this putt, I will give that guy a night he will never forget."
The teenager walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The middle-aged man walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster! Aim 12 inches to the right, and the ball will break left two feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
The elderly man looks at the other two men in disgust, picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, takes her by the arm and says, "That's a Gimme."

Little Johnny

It's spelling bee day and Teacher has it down to three students remaining, Chloe, Jimmy and Little Johnny.
"Chloe, could you spell solidify?"
"Solidify, S...O...L...I...D...I...F...Y, solidify."
"Correct, Chloe. Could you use it in a sentence?"
"OK. Um, in order to turn water into ice, you must solidify it by leaving it in the freezer."
"Very good Chloe. Now Jimmy, would you like to spell integrity for me?"
"Integrity. Let's see, I...N...T...E...G...R...I...T........E, integrity."
"I'm sorry Jimmy, that's incorrect, but good try."
"And now, Little Johnny, I'd like you to spell asinine."
"Uhhh, asinine, A...S...I...uh...N...I...N......E, asinine."
"Correct! Can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny paused for a moment and replied, "You're a very pretty lady, miss. Your face is beautiful, your lips are red and inviting, your eyes could light up a thousand rooms, but I give that asinine!"

The Train Carriage Compartment

So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke.
Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark.
There's the sound of a loud kiss, a slap, and when the train emerges from the carriage, the Russian soldier is nursing a very sore cheek.
The old lady thinks: "Serves him right! How dare he take advantage of that young woman in the dark!"
The young woman thinks: "Serves him right! But I wonder why he kissed the old lady instead of me?"
The Russian soldier thinks: "That cheeky Ukrainian. He kisses the young woman, and I'm the one who gets slapped."
The Ukrainian man thinks: "Ha! I kiss the back of my hand, and I get to slap a Russian soldier!"

How was your night?

John and Roy, two good friends, decide to go out to a bar on a Friday night and have a little fun. After a while, the two get bored and they each go their own way.
John, a bit tipsy (and a performer at heart), decides to try out in the bar's karaoke competition. To his surprise, he takes first place and wins a huge trophy!
Roy, the ladies man of the two, tries to find the most beautiful girl in the bar, and low and behold, Roy gets to talking with an absolute knockout, 10 out of 10. Things start to get serious, and eventually they head back to Roy's apartment.
The next day, the two meet back up at the same bar.
"How was your night, John?" Roy asked.
"Fantastic!" Said John. "Veni, vidi, vici, as the saying goes. I came. I saw. I conquered. What about you?"
Roy thought for a minute, and then smiled.
"What can I say? Vidi, vici, veni."

Blonde flying to Houston, TX

A blonde hops on a flight to Houston, TX. She sees first class sits down and thinks, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am." So the flight is about to take off and the flight attendant comes by and asks for the ladies ticket. "Mam, your ticket is for coach. You need to go back to your seat because this is first class seating." The blonde replies. "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am." Puzzled the flight attendant goes to the pilot and says "We have a problem, this blonde lady in first class wont go back to coach where her ticket is." The pilot then says, "My wife is blonde, let me take care of this." Pilot walks up to the blonde and says "Mam, May I see your ticket?" Blonde hands him the ticket.
Quickly the pilot says to the blonde, "You might want to go back to coach, first class isn't flying to Houston." She quickly gets up and goes to coach.

A beggar in Afghanistan

An Afghan man walks across a busy street when an old lady says ''Please my son, give me $1 in charity.''
''I don't have any.''
''If you don't have that just give a tiny little bit. Praise God, look at your youth, your tie, your strength and beauty. May I be sacrificed for you, just give a tiny little bit.''
''I don't have any.''
''Really just even $0.01 would be enough.''
''I don't have any, really, not even $0.01.''
''Well why are you just standing there then? Come sit and beg like I do.''

A rich old man goes golfing with his friends

And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.
She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year.

If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her my darling. But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?
And the lady said, I'm gay"

A prince under a spell

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her my darling. But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.  At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. 
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?  
And the lady said, Pardon?