Beautiful Jokes
166 beautiful jokes and hilarious beautiful puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beautiful that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Know someone who loves a good joke? Here are some of the funniest, most beautiful jokes to make them smile. Enjoy these hilarious renditions about a beautiful redhead, a beautiful girl, a beautiful wife, a beautiful day, a beautiful smile, a voluptuous lady and more! By the time you're done, you'll be delighting in the beauty of laughter and proud to share these splendid jokes.
Quick Jump To
- Short Beautiful Jokes
- Beautiful One Liners
- Beautiful Day Jokes
- Beautiful Wife Jokes
- Beautiful Girl Jokes
- You Are So Beautiful Jokes
- More Beautiful Jokes
Funniest Beautiful Short Jokes
Short beautiful jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beautiful humour may include short bright jokes also.
- Call a girl beautiful 1,000 time and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget - I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.
- I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby - I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
- If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
- I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds. - A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
- A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said... So he gave it to her.
- A man asks god... Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you." - Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
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Beautiful One Liners
Which beautiful one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beautiful? I can suggest the ones about sweet and beauty.
- Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run
- Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can.
2/10 - Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown
- Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing Well, except Chris Brown.
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- What do you call a beautiful girl in Boston? A tourist.
- What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
- When I see stars I think of you... Because you're only beautiful from a distance.
- QAnon has announced a beauty pageant The winner will be crowned Miss Information
- What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie? Sleeping Beauty.
- Some people think guns are beautiful. I think tasers are stunning.
- What do you call a beautiful women in England? A tourist
- What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast? The No Belle prize.
- My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.
- I met a beautiful woman in the museum in Paris I think I'm in Louvre.
Beautiful Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny beautiful day jokes and even better beautiful day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Cake joke for my cake day! Was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying.
Even the cake was in tiers. - Harassment. So a teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence. A boy stood up and said, "Ok this is easy. I met a beautiful girl one day and harassment a lot to me"
- Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything... Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day) - You were really beautiful until Your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.
- You are like a cloud. When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.
- My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?" She smiled and said, " No"
I said, "One day, one day" - I met a beautiful Jewish woman the other day and she asked me for my number I told her we use names here
- Beautiful woman walked up to me the other other day, she said, hello handsome. Can you show me the way to the opticians.
- Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her... ...and she still said no both times.
- Gaston from Beauty and the Beast says he eats 5 dozen eggs every day... He must be a millionaire!
Beautiful Wife Jokes
Here is a list of funny beautiful wife jokes and even better beautiful wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman? Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
- 5 years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner with me. Last spring, I asked her to be my wife. Both times she said no.
- 8 years ago I worked up the courage to ask the shy, beautiful girl who sat next to me in history class to be my girlfriend. Today, I asked her to be my wife. She said no both times.
- The wife asks her husband -What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?
-Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you - Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring. She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"
I told her, "They don't make fake cars." - Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? He fired them.
- A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside... They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"
Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law." - Wife: I've just been back to the beauty parlour. Husband: Was it closed?
- My wife says I have a short attention spanish is a beautiful language isn't it?
- When my wife was in her 20s, she was so beautiful I swore she was a siren Now she just sounds like one.
Beautiful Girl Jokes
Here is a list of funny beautiful girl jokes and even better beautiful girl puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?" I Happily I replied," Yes...."
She took away the extra chair in front of me. - 5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no
- Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.
- What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky? A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...
A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous. - The thing I learned from Beauty and the Beast: Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.
- This time 5 years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl I've met out for dinner, today I asked her to marry me, she said no both times.
- An old man goes to the gym... An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM" - Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember Because elephants never forget
- A man asks a trainer in the gym I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM
- I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me. She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.
You Are So Beautiful Jokes
Here is a list of funny you are so beautiful jokes and even better you are so beautiful puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman... ... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me. - I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?
Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her. - I told my friends that I had a date with a beautiful woman. They laughed and said that she's imaginary.
Jokes on them. They're imaginary too. I don't have any friends. - My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue... Completely pale, no arms.
- The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
- A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear... ...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.
- I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend. It was so emotional.
Even the cake was in tiers. - A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman... And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off.
"I told her I was 90". - "My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..." "He took a long look at me and gave me $300"
- Jesus loves you. A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.
Hilarious Beautiful Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about beautiful you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beautiful pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
h**...
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
h**...: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the h**...?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!
He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?
I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife isn't she beautiful?
Other man: If you think she's beautiful you should see my wife
First man: Why? Is she a stunner?
Other man: No, she's an ophthalmologist
On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.
"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."
"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"
"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbours I'm giving them."
Mummy, how was I born?
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a c**....
A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"
The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him
"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.
He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".
An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...
"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't think so." The frog says"Dont you want a beautiful woman?"
The old man responds "At my age I would rather have a talking frog."
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
Small Head
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had s**... with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have s**... with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having s**... right there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...
My son asked me what a dilemma was?
"Imagine you're n**... and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...
Who you going to turn your back on?"
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"
A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...
And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
Looking for his wife...
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."
The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"
The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."
A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"
A blonde buys a gun.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife on his phone, and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
A black man walks into a bar...
A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"
"Africa," replied the parrot.
An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.
"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.
"No," the Frenchman says, "they are n**... and beautiful, they would be French."
"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being watched, and they're told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."
Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river
One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful n**... woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!
A man approached a very beautiful woman
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Husband on second day of marriage :-
He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"
A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said she's beautiful isn't she?
I go if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife…
He goes why, is she a stunner?
I replied no, she's an optician
I met a beautiful girl down at the park today
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having s**... right then and there!
Gosh I love my new taser
A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"
A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
Three men are discussing Adam and Eve
The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They are beautiful, and n**..., and have all the world's beauty before them."
The Englishman says "Not at all. They are residing in the most beautiful, perfect Garden. They must be English."
The Russian says "They are without clothes, they are forbidden from eating, they are talked to by snakes, and they are being told it's Heaven. They are Russian."
Two men on a train both have black eyes.
Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"
Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful b**... girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"
Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you s**... b**...'."
A 70 year old man goes to confession and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had s**... with two beautiful, 20 year old women who are not my wife".
The Priest says "I see. How long has it been since your last confession?"
The man says "I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish".
"You're Jewish?" the priest asks, puzzled. "Why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
Two engineers are meeting for lunch
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
A man was out on a fishing trip
When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.
He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"
Society is full of double standards
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".
A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.
He said ain't she beautiful?
I told him if you think she's beautiful you should see my wife
Why? Is she a stunner as well?
No she's an optician
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"
The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".
