Beats Jokes
121 beats jokes and hilarious beats puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beats that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Beats Short Jokes
Short beats jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beats humour may include short beater jokes also.
- I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast. Since she can't even beat an egg
- I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
- I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
- Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
- Malaysian Airlines and United should merge That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.
- My ADD always beats me when I'm trying to do my homework. The dyslexia doesn't help either.
- Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charge dropped... I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
- A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial. I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.
- How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.
- JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. interview are being held tomorrow. Come early....
....beat the crowd.
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Beats One Liners
Which beats one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beats? I can suggest the ones about headphones and stops beating.
- Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
- I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat I'm already on Stage 4
- Name one superhero that can beat Captain America... Captain vietnam
- How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
- You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao? Pacquiao isn't his wife.
- Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.
- Why does McGregor love springtime so much? Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.
- Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown
- Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing? Beats me.
- What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
- If you can't beat them What's the point of having children?
- I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
- I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do... it's to the door to open it for her.
- what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel? Beat it, we're closed
- Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd
Heart Beats Jokes
Here is a list of funny heart beats jokes and even better heart beats puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart beat fast, and changes your life forever. We call those people cops around here.
- My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working" Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
- The way to treat women is always in your heart. Beat beat beat.
- I think my heart is angry. It's trying to beat me to death.
- Are you the medulla? Because you make my heart beat.
- Do you know why the Police is the heart of modern society? Because it keeps on beating, and beating, and beating!
- What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack? A beat drop.
- Leatherface gets a bad rap but deep down he is a true romantic trying to help others. He's just trying to Stihl their beating hearts.
- So this girl asked me what I look for in women I told her, "3 holes and a heart beat"
- Joke dad did with doc and got a brief confused look before a chuckle After saying the heart rate out loud (in beats per minute) dad asked if that was metric or imperial values.
Rib-Tickling Beats Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about beats you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean beads jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beats pranks.
I just took up meditation...
It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"
Then he beats him to death.
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
No one beats the Jackson 5!
Except their father.
Little boy in custody battle.
Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
A policeman and a prisoner play chess.
The policeman beats him.
I thought this joke was very funny and true.
Why is rap like scissors? Because rock beats scissors...
I just won a water fight against the kids next door...
...no one beats me and my kettle.
The Super Bowl
Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
How can you tell my parents are abusive?
Beats me
What does Rihanna think of Chris Brown?
beats me
Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey s**...?
beats me
How come Smokey the Bear doesn't have any children?
Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
What is Chris Brown's favorite hobby? [OC]
Beats me.
Custody trial
Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?
J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "
JB: "no, she beats me."
J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"
JB: "no, he beats me too."
J: "then who will you live with?"
JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"
What did the egg say when asked what a whisk does?
Beats me.
Why can't l**... have s**... at concerts?
Because rock beats scissors.
Two eggs are on the counter, they see a fork. One of them turns to the other and asks "what's that?"
The second egg says "beats me".
What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?
Beats me.
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......
The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"
What does my dad do for fun?
Beats me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.
Gun beats everything.
What Does a Farmer and Dubstep have in common?
They both drop beats!
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
Beats me, but the flag's a big plus.
A woman is in an abusive relationship.
She's talking to her friend one day. Her friend asks, "Why do you stay with him?" She replies, "Beats me!"
What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored?
Beats me
I hope England beats Iceland...
Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
A man, his wife, and their son are in divorce court.
The judge says "Do you want to live with your father?"
The son says "No, he beats me"
Then the judge says "Do you want to live with your mother?"
He says "No, she beats me too"
The judge then says "Who do you want to live with?"
He says "I want to live with the 76ers. They never beat anybody."
Why is my father so abusive?
Beats me
What was tina turners pet name for i**...?
Beats me
A woman is telling her friend that her boyfriend hit her.
"Why are you with him?" She asks.
"Beats me."
Why did the wife leave her husband?
"Beats me"
What do you call a gay-p**... starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?
"*Rock Beats Scissors*"
How do you stop 2 l**... from having s**...?
With a rock. Rock beats scissors.
I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend.
Nothing beats a homemade present!
Flight back home
Guy was boarding a plane to go back home from a business trip.
As he was boarding another passenger asks him: "our flight looks full what do you think they will do??"
The Asian man flying back home says "beats me"
My friend never shaves his p**..., so he doesn't like talking about m**....
He just beats around the bush
Humans are being tested against the new AI program
The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA
I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church...
Because no one beats off in church
Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?
Beats me.
A straight flush beats a full house
A full house means u**... trouble
What do you call it when one kindergartener beats up another kindergartener to become class president?
A coup d'tot.
What's the difference between Mcgregor and Mayweather?
Mcgregor hugs his wife and beats his opponents while
Mayweather beats his wife and hugs his opponents
If a Muslim beats his wife,
would it be domestic violence or child a**...?
Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing
Well, except Chris Brown.
A man runs through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop
"You are supposed to stop at a stop sign" the cop says.
"But I slowed down." The driver says
"that's the same thing."
The officer then drags the guy into the road and beats him with his baton
"Now do you want me to stop or slow down?!"
A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper
"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.
Journalist to Abused Wife
Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time ?
Wife : *shrugs* beats me.
My Parents are Divorcing and Went to Court
The judge asks me who I would want to live with. "I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me, but I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me too," I say. "Then who would you rather live with," the judge asks. "The Phoenix Suns, they never beat anybody".
This Indian man I know beats his wife
every night he hits her at the same time. Always at 7:00. Right on the Dot.
What does United do when you don't have a ticket?
Beats me.
A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.
Logarithms...
_Here come the down votes._
One day, Rihanna has amnesia and can't remember anything. She's asked, "What do you think of Chris Brown?"
She replies: "Beats me".
A hitman beats a cow to death in a ricefield using two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack p**... whack.
A woman is asked if her husband is an abuser
Beats me, she replied
What's a step-dad?
Beats me.
Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce
Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.
Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?
Baby Bear: No, she beats me.
Judge: Ok how about your Papa?
Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!
A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:
"Beats Me"
Why does Chris Brown still have a music career?
Beats me.
A man and his wife play a board game, the man beats her.
Because she won.
f**... to the beat.
Once, I was at a restaurant and I wanted to f**... so bad, that I couldn't even move.
Fortunately, the restaurant had really loud music so I thought I'd f**... to the beats so that nobody would notice. After several moments, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I had been wearing headphones the whole time.
I hear they made a movie about an i**... immigrant who beats up a child abuser.
Alien vs Predator
Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia
Egg beats you
I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me!
Its probably because I always win.
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and r**..., she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
A plumber told me an interesting thing, the best call he ever went to was when some kid had dropped a pear down the toilet.
He said it was the easiest call he'd ever been to, all he had to do was flush the toilet, and it cleared the block.
Because a flush beats a pear every time.
What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?
Beats me.
What do you call an angry police man?
Beats me.
"How come your dad always has a belt on hand?"
"Beats me"
I saw a whip under my grandparent's bed, I asked my grandpa what it was for
He said, "beats me"
Why are there no l**... in Saudi Arabia?
Because rock beats scissors.
The Wolf of Wall Street
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.
He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."
How do you subtly hint that you are being abused?
Beats me
