The Best 84 Beats Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Beats jokes. There are some beats cant beat it jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these beats rhythm puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Beats Jokes and Puns

I just took up meditation...

It beats sitting around doing nothing.

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"

Then he beats him to death.

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Beats joke, Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?

BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."


A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

A policeman and a prisoner play chess.

The policeman beats him.

Beats joke, A policeman and a prisoner play chess.

I thought this joke was very funny and true.

Why is rap like scissors? Because rock beats scissors...

I just won a water fight against the kids next door...

...no one beats me and my kettle.

The Super Bowl

Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.

"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."

"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."

"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

Priest and Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."

Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."

And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

You can explore beats abusive reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean beats thump dad jokes. There are also beats puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How can you tell my parents are abusive?

Beats me

What does Rihanna think of Chris Brown?

beats me

Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me

How come Smokey the Bear doesn't have any children?

Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

Beats joke, Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

What is Chris Brown's favorite hobby? [OC]

Beats me.

Custody trial

Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?

J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "

JB: "no, she beats me."

J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"

JB: "no, he beats me too."

J: "then who will you live with?"

JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"

What did the egg say when asked what a whisk does?

Beats me.


Why can't lesbians have sex at concerts?

Because rock beats scissors.

Two eggs are on the counter, they see a fork. One of them turns to the other and asks "what's that?"

The second egg says "beats me".

What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......

The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"

What does my dad do for fun?

Beats me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.

Gun beats everything.

What Does a Farmer and Dubstep have in common?

They both drop beats!

What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

Beats me, but the flag's a big plus.

A woman is in an abusive relationship.

She's talking to her friend one day. Her friend asks, "Why do you stay with him?" She replies, "Beats me!"

What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored?

Beats me

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

A man, his wife, and their son are in divorce court.

The judge says "Do you want to live with your father?"

The son says "No, he beats me"

Then the judge says "Do you want to live with your mother?"

He says "No, she beats me too"

The judge then says "Who do you want to live with?"

He says "I want to live with the 76ers. They never beat anybody."

Why is my father so abusive?

Beats me

A woman is telling her friend that her boyfriend hit her.

"Why are you with him?" She asks.

"Beats me."

What do you call a gay-porno starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?

"*Rock Beats Scissors*"

How do you stop 2 lesbians from having sex?

With a rock. Rock beats scissors.

I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend.

Nothing beats a homemade present!

Why are you flying with United Airlines?

Beats me.

What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

Flight back home

Guy was boarding a plane to go back home from a business trip.

As he was boarding another passenger asks him: "our flight looks full what do you think they will do??"

The Asian man flying back home says "beats me"

My friend never shaves his pubes, so he doesn't like talking about masturbation.

He just beats around the bush

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because

ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church...

Because no one beats off in church

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

A straight flush beats a full house

A full house means urine trouble

What's the difference between Mcgregor and Mayweather?

Mcgregor hugs his wife and beats his opponents while
Mayweather beats his wife and hugs his opponents

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown.

A man runs through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop

"You are supposed to stop at a stop sign" the cop says.

"But I slowed down." The driver says
"that's the same thing."

The officer then drags the guy into the road and beats him with his baton

"Now do you want me to stop or slow down?!"

A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

Journalist to Abused Wife

Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time ?

Wife : *shrugs* beats me.

My Parents are Divorcing and Went to Court

The judge asks me who I would want to live with. "I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me, but I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me too," I say. "Then who would you rather live with," the judge asks. "The Phoenix Suns, they never beat anybody".

This Indian man I know beats his wife

every night he hits her at the same time. Always at 7:00. Right on the Dot.

What does United do when you don't have a ticket?

Beats me.

A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.

Logarithms...

_Here come the down votes._

One day, Rihanna has amnesia and can't remember anything. She's asked, "What do you think of Chris Brown?"

She replies: "Beats me".

A hitman beats a cow to death in a ricefield using two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

A woman is asked if her husband is an abuser

Beats me, she replied

My ADD always beats me when I'm trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn't help either.

What's a step-dad?

Beats me.

Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.

Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?

Baby Bear: No, she beats me.

Judge: Ok how about your Papa?

Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...

Judge: Then who do you want to live with?

Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

A man and his wife play a board game, the man beats her.

Because she won.

Farting to the beat.

Once, I was at a restaurant and I wanted to fart so bad, that I couldn't even move.
Fortunately, the restaurant had really loud music so I thought I'd fart to the beats so that nobody would notice. After several moments, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I had been wearing headphones the whole time.

I hear they made a movie about an illegal immigrant who beats up a child abuser.

Alien vs Predator

Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia

Egg beats you

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me!

Its probably because I always win.

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

A plumber told me an interesting thing, the best call he ever went to was when some kid had dropped a pear down the toilet.

He said it was the easiest call he'd ever been to, all he had to do was flush the toilet, and it cleared the block.

Because a flush beats a pear every time.

What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?

Beats me.

What do you call an angry police man?

Beats me.

"How come your dad always has a belt on hand?"

"Beats me"

I saw a whip under my grandparent's bed, I asked my grandpa what it was for

He said, "beats me"

Why are there no lesbians in Saudi Arabia?

Because rock beats scissors.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.

He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."

How do you subtly hint that you are being abused?

Beats me

A little boy's parents were getting divorced and he was in front of the judge....

Well, little boy, I've decided you're going to live with your mother.

NOOOOOOOOO! Not my mom! She beats me!!!!! Screamed the kid.

Oh. That's terrible. Ok. Well, your father, then.

NOOOOOOO! Not my father! He beats me, too!

The judge was totally perplexed. He has never had this problem.

Well, son, who would you like to live with?

The NY JETS. They don't beat nobody.

A zoo's only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.

In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!

A woman asks her friend

How do you know if your husband is abusive?

She shrugs and replies.... beats me

Why did my abusive father cross the road?

Beats me

My father beats us, cheats, and whenever we touch his property, he says, I'm going to make you pay!

I never want to play Monopoly with him again!

Why did Dwayne Johnson beat 2 Gay women?

Because Rock beats scissors.

What do you call it when a rapper attacks a loved one?

beats by Dr. Dre

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the beats knockoff jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working beats rhianna piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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