The Best 73 Beating Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Beating jokes. There are some beating intervene jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these beating wife beating puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Beating Jokes and Puns

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..

Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

jokes about beating

maternity ward

A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."


Two men are walking down the street

When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"

Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?

He kept beating a dead horse.

Beating joke, Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?

A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."

"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"

The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."

*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed

"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"

I turned to her and said

"Nah. I think 6's enough."

You can explore beating cant beat it reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean beating savagely dad jokes. There are also beating puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.

At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

A man drives through a stop sign..

A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.

"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."

"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"

The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.

"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

Beating joke, I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

How many Police Officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, they were too busy beating up the room for being black.

Who's this Rorschach dude?

And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me?


What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother.

Let her take the beating.

The policeman asked me why I keep beating my wife...

I told him I have a longer reach and superior footwork.

You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

My humor is so dark

That the cops are even beating it

I was walking down the road when I saw 4 guys beating one other guy, so by natural instinct I decided to help

Haha, he couldn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Beating joke, Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

I used to be a necrophiliac zoophile into BDSM.

Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

The other day I saw 4 gang members beating up a kid.

So I decided to step in. He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us.


Little Timmy walks in on his dad beating his meat

Timmy: What are you doing daddy?
Dad: This is called masturbation, son. You'll be doing it soon enough
Timmy: Why?
Dad: My arms are getting tired

"When did you stop beating your wife?"

"When her chess game improved."

Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

I can't see Mayweather beating McGregor...

I don't have a TV.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.


Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...

It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.

What do vegans call jerking off?

Beating their wheat.

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

A woman is in court..

A woman is in court charged with beating her husband to death with his guitars.
As she stands there, the judge is looking over her offences and asks;

First offender?

The woman replies 'No, first a Gibson then a Fender'.

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

If Sarah Jessica Parker Dies...

And people continue making jokes about her, are they beating a dead horse?

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day

On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.

The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.

It still Hertz to this day.

How do you get a Rams fan to stop beating his wife?

Put her in a Patriots jersey

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

I was walking down the street with my wife.

And there down an alley we saw five men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife screamed: "Aren't you going to help?!"

I said: "No, five seems like enough."

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

My friend keeps beating kids in games

It's fine and all except the game is "Who punches harder?"

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name 'Paperman'.

I failed to get in though.

At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn't want me beating him.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. "First offender," the judge asked.

"No" she replied "First a Gibson, then a Fender."

An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling .

During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.

They were just beating, and beating and beating.

A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street

He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.



Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"

I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.

Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, Do you know why I pulled you over? The man says, No . The cop says, You ran a stop sign back there . The man says, OK, but I slowed down though . The cop then asks, Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir? The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, STOP, STOP! The cops say, Oh, you want me to slow down?

I have a masturbation addiction

But I'm beating it

There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.

For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.

After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"

Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."

Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"

Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"

Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"

Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.

However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it's no fun beating a dead horse!

How did the riot police get to work on time?

By beating the crowd.

A woman is arrested for beating her husband up with his guitar collection.

The judge asked "First offender?"

The wife answered "No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender"

I saw 4 guys beating up 1 guy so i stopped to help...

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

I saw a man beating the shit out of a little kid, so I stopped to help

The kid didn't stand a chance

Why did the baker go to jail?

For beating the eggs 🀣

Everytime someone asks me why I drive out to the country on the weekends, I tell them directly that I go to punch the biggest trees I can find

I don't like beating around the bush

Metaphors

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can't make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I'm tired of my wife beating me up everyday. I'll show her…

I'm gonna wake up at 4am tomorrow.

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward



Thank you, I'll see myself out

An electric confession!

A woman is on trial for beating her abusive husband to death with his guitar collection.


The judge asks her "First offender?"


She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

The news exposed Dwayne Johson for assaulting lesbians having fun

In other words:

The Paper beat The Rock for beating scissors

I have lots of beautiful women beating on my door all the time.

Eventually, though, I ***DO*** let them out.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the beating arrest jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working beating mercilessly piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes