Beating Jokes

What are some Beating jokes?

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."


"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"


The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."

*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

Two men are walking down the street

When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"

I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed

"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"

I turned to her and said

"Nah. I think 6's enough."

What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..

Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?

He kept beating a dead horse.

caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.

At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...

It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.

I used to be a necrophiliac zoophile into BDSM.

Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

What do vegans call jerking off?

Beating their wheat.

The policeman asked me why I keep beating my wife...

I told him I have a longer reach and superior footwork.

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

(credit to a Russian stand up comedian Alexander Sobolevsky, he does these neat one liners)

Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

A man drives through a stop sign..

A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.

"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."

"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"

The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.

"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"

The other day I saw 4 gang members beating up a kid.

So I decided to step in. He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us.

You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother.

Let her take the beating.

"When did you stop beating your wife?"

"When her chess game improved."

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

I was walking down the road when I saw 4 guys beating one other guy, so by natural instinct I decided to help

Haha, he couldn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

I was walking down the street with my wife.

And there down an alley we saw five men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife screamed: "Aren't you going to help?!"

I said: "No, five seems like enough."

I can't see Mayweather beating McGregor...

I don't have a TV.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

maternity ward

A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."

Little Timmy walks in on his dad beating his meat

Timmy: What are you doing daddy?
Dad: This is called masturbation, son. You'll be doing it soon enough
Timmy: Why?
Dad: My arms are getting tired

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

Trumpcare

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."

When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day

On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.

The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.

It still Hertz to this day.

How do you get a Rams fan to stop beating his wife?

Put her in a Patriots jersey

If Sarah Jessica Parker Dies...

And people continue making jokes about her, are they beating a dead horse?

My humor is so dark

That the cops are even beating it

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

A man is shipwrecked on a tropical island

He finds a native village on the shore. The people there take him in, and he has a pleasant life while waiting for rescue. Only one thing bothers him. From the villages up in the hills he can hear drums beating constantly, night and day.

He talks to the chief of the village, "Those drums are driving me crazy. They never stop. I can't sleep."

The chief says, "When drums stop, very bad."

"What do you mean? Are they war drums? Is there going to be a battle?"

"When drums stop, very bad."

"What's so bad? What happens when the drums stop?"

"Bass solo."

A man is driving down the road...

When he comes to a stop sign. But he doesn't see anyone around, so he just slows down. However, a police officer was watching the intersection and pulls the man over. The cop says "Sir, why didn't you stop at the stop sign?"
The man says "Well there was no one around so I just slowed down."
To which the cop replies "Sir, it's a stop sign. You have to stop"
"Well I slowed down! what's the difference?"
The cop says "Sir, get out of the car," and the cop takes the man to the side of the road and starts beating the man with his night stick. After he has been beating him for a few minutes, the cop says "Now, do you want me to stop, or slow down?!"

A woman is in court..

A woman is in court charged with beating her husband to death with his guitars.
As she stands there, the judge is looking over her offences and asks;

First offender?

The woman replies 'No, first a Gibson then a Fender'.

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

How many Police Officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, they were too busy beating up the room for being black.

Who's this Rorschach dude?

And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me?

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

A woman on trial

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks the prosecutor:
"First offender?"

The prosecutor responds:

"No, a Gibson first, then a Fender"

What's the difference between a abusive father and a Korean gamer?

Only one will stop beating you

I'm sick and tired of beating around the bush, so I have to ask...

Are there any other ways to satisfy my girlfriend?

This guy testifies about his guru

"Guruji", he says, " has reformed me completely. With his guidance and blessing I have given up smoking, gambling, eating meat, alcohol, drugs, sex with prostitutes, gay sex, killing hookers, cheating and stealing, beating my wife and kids, and raping animals!"

The guru is pleased and the audience applauds. But there the guys wife interrupts "There is one thing that he has still not given up!"

"Eh? What is that one thing?" asks the guru.

"Lying!" replies the wife.

A man goes in to talk to his psychologist.

A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac zoophile. Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"

You guys, be kind to Jussie Smollett...

You know that he's really beating himself up right now.

I saw 4 gang members beating up a little kid

So I decided to step in, there's no chance he can take all 5 of us.

I saw four gangsters beating up on a kid

I decided to help. He didn't stand a chance against five of us.

Yesterday I was beating off while sitting on a United flight.

Er, sorry, beaten off.

So a Woman had a black eye...

A woman walked into her docters office with a black eye. The doctor said, is he beating you, she replied "Yes."

The next day the woman came back with ANOTHER black eye. This time the doctor said, "I know what to do to help you."
She replied, "Oh really, what?"
The doctor says, "Fill your mouth with Grape juice before you get home, and dont let the grape juice come out of your mouth at all. After he goes to bed, you can spit it out."

The next day, the woman comes back and says, "Oh my God, it worked, how did you know!"

The doctor says, "See, look what happens when you keep your mouth shut."

I was staying in an Hotel

Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.



I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.



She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.


I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

How many police men does it to fix a light bulb?

I don't know, they're beating up the room for being dark.

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

Jerking off with glue was fun at first...

But now it just feels like I'm beating a dead horse.

How to make Beating jokes?

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