The Best 84 Beaten Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Beaten jokes. There are some beaten jugular jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these beaten raped puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Beaten Jokes and Puns

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

I recently met the most desperate hooker.

Infact so desperate that she's willing to be tied up, beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.

She was strapped for cash.

What's the difference between a video game and a baby?

I don't start masturbating when I've beaten a video game

Beaten joke, What's the difference between a video game and a baby?

A hobo got robbed

A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.

"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"

"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.

"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"

My grandma was recently beaten to death..

She came in just after my granddad

So Chris Brown has quit music...

Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Beaten joke, I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

I was walking down the street with my wife..

And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson.

I was walking down the street with my wife...

... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.

My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "Six should be enough."

*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest

The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites.

MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics

The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."

Two sociologists came upon a man lying distraught in the gutter after being beaten and robbed ...

As they looked down upon the battered and bleeding body one of them remarked- we must find the people responsible for this terrible attack, they're obviously in desperate need of our help .

You can explore beaten brawl reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean beaten badly dad jokes. There are also beaten puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Popular joke in Ukraine

"Driver of a Russian humanitarian aid truck was beaten by Russian soldiers when tried to light a cigarette near cans with beef stew."

Saw my ex today getting beaten by 5 guys so I went there to help

She couldn't stand against the six of us

My girlfriends star sign

My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died

She got beaten to death by a giant crab

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

I was walking down the street when I saw my mother in law getting beaten up by 7 people...

Someone said "shouldn't you help?" and I replied "nah, 7 should be enough."

Beaten joke, I was walking down the street when I saw my mother in law getting beaten up by 7 people...

Everything you wish for, your wife gets two of

So, I found a magic lamp and the genie said I get 3 wishes but with a catch, everything I wish for, my wife gets double.

My first wish was for a car, my wife gets two cars.

My second wish was for a house, my wife got two houses.

Then for my final wish, I asked to be beaten half to death.

What's the difference between your Pacman high score and your child?

I haven't beaten your high score.

I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe

We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game.

He's my Czech mate

'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman'

'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack Paddy Whacked.'

I was driving down the road with my wife the other day...

And we saw her mother getting beaten up by five men.

"Oh my god, look, my mother's being attacked, aren't you gonna help?" pleaded my wife.

"nah, five'll do it".

In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"

"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"

"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"

"So it was a suicide then...."

A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather

But not like the rest of this joke, getting beaten like a dead horse

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

Two men are sitting at a bar....

The first man tells his buddy, "I saw my boss being beaten up by 3 guys when I was leaving here last Friday."

The second man says, "Did you help?"

The first man replies, "Nope, they seemed like they were doing a good job."

Did you hear about the wrestler who was beaten by a vampire?

He was down for the count

Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..

She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us

Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert...

Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert. "It's all your fault!" Guy #1 says. "No, it's all your fault!" Guy #2 says. Suddenly, guy #1 finds a genie lamp. The genie appears, and says, "I can grant each of you one wish.". Guy #1 says, "I want 2x what he gets!". "Very well, what is your wish, Guy #2?" The genie asked. Guy #2 grinned, and says, "I want to be beaten half to death!"

Did anybody hear about the the peeping Tom who was caught?

He was beaten up so badly they sent him to the ICU.

So I saw my mother-in-law getting beaten up by six guys

"Aren't you going to do something?" My wife asked.
"Nah, six should be enough."

(Les Dawson)

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

Why are there no teams named after a dog in the NFL?

They would get beaten by Michael Vick

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Tired of being beaten again and again by a child, Captain Hook decided to leave Neverland. When he reached the real world, he realized there was a job he was built for.

So he opened an abortion clinic.

That Doctor nearly made it into the Mile High Club...

...but getting beaten off doesn't count.

Yesterday I was beating off while sitting on a United flight.

Er, sorry, beaten off.

A guy died while masturbating.

He was beaten to death.

Today, Jesus rose from the dead. He had been wipped, spat on, flogged, humiliated, and crucified.

In fact, he was beaten so badly you'd think he flew united.

I got beaten up by a Jewish guy at a Formula one circuit today

I only said that I was a part of the Mazda race

-Does your wife cooks you eggs?

-Only beaten.

Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help

He really was no match for the five of us...

A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times...

This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."

The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

As I was walking along a city street, a man pulled a knife and tried to jump me. "I'll have you know, I've beaten off two men at once," I warned him. "I take on all comers!"

Anyway, we're dating now.

54 years ago, JFK became the us president with the least brain ever

...but unfortunately his record has been beaten at the beginning of the year

A chemist walks into a bar...

And sees NaCl being beaten up. He asks, "Is that ionic compound being attacked?" The bartender replies, "No, it's a salt"

My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

A married man man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says You are my new master and I'm a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!

The man says I wish for a mansion! The genie says Okay, but your wife gets two!

He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife gets two million.

For his final wish he looks at the genie and says I wish I was beaten half to death.

My mother in law was getting beaten up by four guys

and my wife shouted "Go Help", to which I replied "four should be enough".

When he got home from the doctor, why was the Asian youth beaten by his parents?

He got a B+ on his blood test.

I like my blacks like I like my yolks

Beaten and separated from the whites

It must suck being a heart

Because you're constantly getting beaten.

Little snail was beaten up by the turtles...

The snail's father asked him: "What happened?"

"I don't know... It all happened so fast..."

I went to jail for 5 minutes and got beaten 3 times and raped once

I'm never playing monopoly with my dad again

I was walking with my wife and we came across her mother being beaten up by six guys.

My wife said aren't you going to help?
I said nah, six should be enough.

I got beaten up after I told a customer we don't have coke, is Pepsi okay?

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

A Genie grants a man 3 wishes

The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."

Someone's just beaten me with a map of Belgium...

and now I'm all covered in brugeses

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

Irish-man and Scot-man walk into a pub...

As they walk through the front door, the Scot walks in first. "A round of drinks for the whole house. I'm buying".

The next day, the lead article in the local paper read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub".

I like my eggs how I like my children.


A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.

The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"

"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."

"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes with it, servants, helicopters, the works"

"It is done. Your ex now also has 2 mansions."

The man nods his head and then says "I wish I was beaten half to death"

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

A Classic joke from India

Ajay comes crying to his father after school. His father noticed he is covered in bruises, just completely beaten black and blue. So he asked his sone what happened. Ajay tells him the teacher pointed pointed a ruler at me and said At the end of this ruler is an idiot.

So His dad said

So I said which side

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

He gets beaten by the woman wearing it as that's not how dyslexia works

My nan was beaten to death by my grandad

It was by about 2yrs

Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big boobs and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".

So I did.

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".

A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!"

News headline the next morning:


My grandma was beaten to death by my grandpa.

Not as in, with like a stick or anything. He just died first.

A social worker joke

A man was robbed, beaten badly, and left in the gutter along a lonely street. After being there for hours, two social workers walk by and notice the beaten man. They look him over, see his injuries, and one says to the other, the person who did this could really use our help

A capitol wioter almost got awested and beaten by the cops today but don't worry

He's all white

The CIA, F.B.I and a local police department take part in a contest and are tasked with finding a rabbit released in the nearby woods

The police department deploys search squads and dogs, and after 4 hours comes back with the rabbit.

The FBI deploys helicopters and drones and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The CIA comes back after 30 minutes with a badly beaten bear who cries out I am the rabbit! And I surrender

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

A man rubs a vase and out comes a genie

The genie says "You got 3 wishes, but the catch is, your wife gets double.

The man says, "I want a new car"

The genie grants the mans wish for a car and gives the wife two cars.

The man says, "I want a new house"

The genie grants the wish and gives the man a new house and gives the wife two houses.

The man now says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten half to death"

Guy was driving in the outback.

He decides he needs a break and finds a bar off the beaten track and parks his truck..

He goes i and was confronted by a lot off pissed up bikers.

They started insulting him, so he had one beer then left.

The bikers started shouting, he was not such of a man was he.?

The barman said not much of a driver either, he has just run over 21 motorcycles.

A Korean immigrant was beaten up by police after they asked for his name and registration papers during a routine traffic stop.

"I never have received seen such bad behaviour by cops" said Mr Fuuk Yu.

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the beaten path jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working beaten pulp piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes