Beaten Death Jokes
37 beaten death jokes and hilarious beaten death puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beaten death that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Beaten Death Short Jokes
Short beaten death jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beaten death humour may include short beaten jokes also.
- A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
- My girlfriends star sign My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died
She got beaten to death by a giant crab - My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad. It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.
- A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB - My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.
- My grandma was beaten to death by my grandpa. Not as in, with like a stick or anything. He just died first.
- What's black and white and red all over? A man with Vitiligo being beaten to death with a hammer.
- Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry.
- An alcoholic is walking in the woods and stumbled upon his wife lying on the floor recently beaten to death. What does he do? Change his route, he is clearly walking in circles.
- Getting beaten to death by a mob of angry people wouldn't feel very good... But all of that attention sure would.
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Beaten Death One Liners
Which beaten death one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beaten death? I can suggest the ones about stabbed death and sentenced death.
- My grandma was recently beaten to death.. She came in just after my granddad
- My nan was beaten to death by my grandad It was by about 2yrs
- How did Verne Troyer die? He was beaten half to death.
- A guy died while m**.... He was beaten to death.
Uproarious Beaten Death Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about beaten death you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean buried alive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beaten death pranks.
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
An Irishman and an Scotsman's walk into a pub together
The Scotsman's yells out "Drinks for the house, on me!"
The next day the headlines read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
In a crime scene....
"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found n**... in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut m**... case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during s**..."
"So it was a s**... then...."
The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest
The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest
The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites.
MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics
The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."
A genie appears infront of a man...
And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.
The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"
"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."
"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes with it, servants, helicopters, the works"
"It is done. Your ex now also has 2 mansions."
The man nods his head and then says "I wish I was beaten half to death"
A Genie grants a man 3 wishes
The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."
A married man man finds a magic lamp...
He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says You are my new master and I'm a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!
The man says I wish for a mansion! The genie says Okay, but your wife gets two!
He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife gets two million.
For his final wish he looks at the genie and says I wish I was beaten half to death.
Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert...
Two mortal enemies get lost in the desert. "It's all your fault!" Guy #1 says. "No, it's all your fault!" Guy #2 says. Suddenly, guy #1 finds a genie lamp. The genie appears, and says, "I can grant each of you one wish.". Guy #1 says, "I want 2x what he gets!". "Very well, what is your wish, Guy #2?" The genie asked. Guy #2 grinned, and says, "I want to be beaten half to death!"
Everything you wish for, your wife gets two of
So, I found a magic lamp and the genie said I get 3 wishes but with a catch, everything I wish for, my wife gets double.
My first wish was for a car, my wife gets two cars.
My second wish was for a house, my wife got two houses.
Then for my final wish, I asked to be beaten half to death.
A man rubs a vase and out comes a genie
The genie says "You got 3 wishes, but the catch is, your wife gets double.
The man says, "I want a new car"
The genie grants the mans wish for a car and gives the wife two cars.
The man says, "I want a new house"
The genie grants the wish and gives the man a new house and gives the wife two houses.
The man now says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten half to death"
Irish-man and Scot-man walk into a pub...
As they walk through the front door, the Scot walks in first. "A round of drinks for the whole house. I'm buying".
The next day, the lead article in the local paper read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub".
I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'
I am never going to the h**... test lab again.
A man was shot with a starting p**... and then beaten to death with a relay baton.
Police believe it may be race related.
A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."
Stubborn in life and in death
A man known for being very stubborn was found brutally beaten and killed. After a thorough police investigation there was no clue to who the killer was.
When it came time for the f**.... Friends and family were all gathered around. His body was put in a coffin and was ready to be buried.
As they lowered the coffin, it didn't want to fit in the hole, they turned it the other way and it didn't fit either. After taking precise measurements, the hole was widened. And as they lowered the coffin, it still didn't want to fit.
That's when a guy from the crowd yelled: "Oh my God, do you SEE! This is EXACTLY why I killed him"
A man finds a magic lamp
A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.
"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"
Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want a mansion with a triple garage."
The genie says "Here is your mansion with the triple garage, your ex wife has 2"
Next,the man says "I want a BMW, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for my garage"
The genie says, "You now have 3 cars for your garage, your ex wife has 6"
The man gets a smile on his face as he says his last wish," I want to be beaten half to death!"
So a man and a woman are getting a divorce
So a man and a woman are getting a divorce, and during the divorce the man finds a genie lamp. He rubs it and surprise; a genie came out. She told the man:
"I will grant him three wishes, but under one condition: To make sure that you don't use any of the wishes to get back at your wife, whatever you get i'm going to give twice to your wife,". The man was confused but agreed.
"I wish for a car,"
"So i'm going to give your wife two cars,".
"I wish for a house,".
"So i'm going to give your wife two houses,".
"And I wish to be beaten half to death,".
A man and his wife are walking down a beach
when suddenly they come across a magic lantern. The man goes ahead and rubs the lantern, and out comes a genie. "Greetings. I am here to grant you three wishing and three wishes only. No more, nor less", says the genie. "However, everything you wish for, your wife will receive double." The man then thinks for a moment and decides what he wants to wish for. First he wishes for a beautiful mansion. The genie grants his wish, and gives his wife two beautiful mansions. The man then wishes for a brand new Mercedes. The genie grants his wish, and gives his wife two brand new Mercedes. Now the man only has one more wish, so he thinks for a moment on what he wants to wish for. He then tells the genie, "I wish to be beaten half to death".