Beat Jokes

Following is our collection of mercilessly humor and cant beat it one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Beat puns for adults, dirty thump jokes or clean fight gags for kids.

There is an abundance of graf jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on beat. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any boxer witze you can hear about beat.

The Best jokes about Beat

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.


XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on Stage 4

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.


A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

If you can't beat them

What's the point of having children?

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".


I beat a black belt at karate.

My next challenger is a green sock.

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...

it's to the door to open it for her.

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

Had a fight with an erection today...

I beat it single handedly.

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke.

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

Why did the riot police show up early to the protest?

They wanted to beat the crowd.

"Name one person that could beat Captain America"

Captain Vietnam

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...

I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Why does the police officer get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...

He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.

Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son.

"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded

Have you got a Masturbation addiction?

Message me, and we can beat it together

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door

It said "Beat it, we're closed."

I beat my wife at dominoes last night...

She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

Why did Popeye beat up the Pope?

He heard he was going to Mount Olive

Why are gamers bad in bed?

They are always trying to beat their best time.

How many cops does it need to change a broken light bulb?

No idea, but they beat up the room for being black and the bulb for being broke

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.

The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."

The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."

The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it, we're closed.

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle

Oops, wrong sub

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.
Interviewer: By how much?
Pelè: 1:0
Interviewer: That's it?
Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

Tomorrow I'll go to the orphanage...

... and beat up some children. I mean, what would they do? Tell their parents?

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."

There is no reason to beat a dead horse

Unless it is flying United.

Why do you fly United early in the morning?

To beat the crowd.

Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?

To beat the crowds.

[NSFW] I went by a brothel and there was a sign in the window

it said "We're closed, so beat it."

Why do HK police go to work early?

To beat the crowds.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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