The Best 76 Beat Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Beat jokes. There are some beat cant beat it jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these beat fight puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Beat Jokes and Puns

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

Beat joke, I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.


Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

Beat joke, Little boy in custody battle.

I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door

It said "Beat it, we're closed."

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.

The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."

The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."

The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

You can explore beat mercilessly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean beat thump dad jokes. There are also beat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

Why did Popeye beat up the Pope?

He heard he was going to Mount Olive

Why does the police officer get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

Why did the riot police show up early to the protest?

They wanted to beat the crowd.

You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.

Beat joke, You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed.

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"


I beat a black belt at karate.

My next challenger is a green sock.

"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son.

"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

Had a fight with an erection today...

I beat it single handedly.

My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...

I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.

Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

If you can't beat them

What's the point of having children?

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

Have you got a Masturbation addiction?

Message me, and we can beat it together

Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...

He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...

I beat my wife at dominoes last night...

She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

"Name one person that could beat Captain America"

Captain Vietnam

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Why are gamers bad in bed?

They are always trying to beat their best time.

How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke.

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...

it's to the door to open it for her.

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown.

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.

Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.

That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?

His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on Stage 4

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

How many cops does it need to change a broken light bulb?

No idea, but they beat up the room for being black and the bulb for being broke

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.

One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. Hoe goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."

"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.

The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.

The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

"Beat it, we're closed."

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

β€ŸOn what grounds?

β€ŸGrounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.

β€ŸNo, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?

β€ŸYes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.

^(getting exasperated) β€ŸDoes he beat you up?

β€ŸNo, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.

β€ŸWHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

β€ŸWe just can't seem to communicate.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"

"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"

"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early?

To beat the crowd

I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, I'm drawing God.

The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, They will in a minute.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race?

David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

The elevator ride

A woman is on an elevator heading to the 9th floor. 3 other well dressed and wealthy women get in at the 5th floor and begin obnoxiously talking about how much they each spent on their perfume after one gives the other a compliment. The first one spouts off Chanel, $100 per bottle. The second one replies Gucci, $125 per bottle. The 3rd says Well I have you both beat! Jean Patou, $1800 per bottle! Annoyed, the first woman on the elevator goes to get off and let's out a very loud and rancid fart and says Broccoli, 59 cents a pound!

In 2024 Al Gore decided to run for president again.

His campaign hinged on a song he made to promote the dangers of global warming. It was so popular it became a meme.

After a while, everyone was talking about Al Gore, and, sure enough he became President.

When asked on the News, "How do you think he won," two fallen YouTubers stated, "You can't beat the Al Gore Rhythm."

A concerned parent calls their child's pediatrician and says, Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!

Drunk walks up to a beat cop

Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"

Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"

Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"

Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precinct to fill out the paperwork, it's 4 blocks down that way."

Drunk says, "thanks ociffer." Starts to turn around to walk down there.

Cop says, "you'd better zip up your pants before you go in there."

Drunk looks down at his pants, says "oh man, they got my girl too!"

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.

So dad beat my ass again

Me and my friend had a bet that I couldn't beat him in a race.

I'm a big guy, so needless to say, I won.

His mom wasn't too happy to see both of his legs broken though.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the beat graf jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working beat boxer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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