Bears Jokes
134 bears jokes and hilarious bears puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bears that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you love Bears jokes? Whether you're a fan of the Chicago Bears, Packers Bears, Polar Bears, Care Bears or just Bears in general, this collection has the best Bears jokes. Read on for teddy bear puns, bearly puns and jokes about cougars.
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Funniest Bears Short Jokes
Short bears jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bears humour may include short brown bear jokes also.
- Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... bear with me...
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
My 8 year old daughter told me this joke - A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."
- A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin and...... tonic." The Bartender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear replies, "I don't know, I've always had them."
- A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
- Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
- A man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.
- Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.
- While sailing, I had trouble navigating the waters between Russia and Alaska. I couldn't get my bearings straight.
- Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
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Bears One Liners
Which bears one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bears? I can suggest the ones about grizzly bear and polar bear.
- What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.
- Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.
- What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude
- What's smarter than the average bear? 50% of all bears.
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear...
(From my daughter) - What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
- What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa? The Polar bear.
- Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was polar.
- A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear\*
- I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear. Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
- A man walks into a bear The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him
- What do you call 2 depressed bears? bipolar
- Yo mama is so fat.. ..when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.
- What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear
- Why aren't Koalas actual bears? They DO NOT meet Koalafications
Bears Grizzly Jokes
Here is a list of funny bears grizzly jokes and even better bears grizzly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands
- Did you hear about the Grizzly that killed a camper? He used his bear hands
- What do you call a grizzly bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.
- A grizzly walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartended asks "hey you 21?"
"Bearly" - My friend got mauled by a bear.... but i'm not gonna discuss the Grizzly details......
- I was searching for bear photos When I made a grizzly discovery
- What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a polar bear ? You get killed and eaten
- Did you know Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear rug in his home? The bear is not dead it is just too scared to move
- What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car? The bear maximum
- The courier delivered only half of my grizzly outfit today... So I choked him with my bear hands.
Baby Bears Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby bears jokes and even better baby bears puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I gave a lonely guy a baby bear as a pet. He said, "Thanks for making my life a little bearable."
- "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear.
"Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas." - Where does a baby bear go to school? In an ursary.
- What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby polar bear? It will be a year before the baby polar bear kills its first seal.
- What do you call a baby cub before it starts teething? A gummy bear
- Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest? Because he was barefooted!!!
- What was the bear's favourite pick-up line? Hey baby, what's ursine?
- When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.
- Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby.
Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord. - Our small town made national news when a baby was born here that was part animal. It had a deer face and a bear a**....
Care Bears Jokes
Here is a list of funny care bears jokes and even better care bears puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Nobody cares about global warming.. Not even polar bears, they're too busy learning how to swim.
- How do you approach a Care Bear that deals in absolutes? Carefully.
- Do you remember the Care Bears Yeah, I remem-bear them
- Yo mama so s**..., she thought Ewoks were just Homeless Care Bears on drugs.
Chicago Bears Jokes
Here is a list of funny chicago bears jokes and even better chicago bears puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets... Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
- Breaking News: Struggling Chicago Bears Fire John Fox One can dream. ^(AND CRY)
- Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently. The bullet went wide right.
- What do you call a bear that can't win? A Chicago Bear
- What internet browser do the Chicago Bears use? Firefox.
- A friend told me that the biggest furry convention was in Chicago, Illinois I had an epiphany and said maybe THAT'S why they're called the Chicago Bears
Packers Bears Jokes
Here is a list of funny packers bears jokes and even better packers bears puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So me and my pal George went down the river to get some firewood when an angry bear began to charge! George explained we weren't Packers fans, so the property owner didn't charge us for trespassing.
- Why was the Bears-Packers tie called off? Only one side was game
Playful Bears Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about bears you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bear cub jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bears pranks.
China recently tried to gain favor with the rest of the world by releasing a video of all their native bears, standing in a big circle, to show their repopulation and conservation efforts. Some people thought it was great.
I think it was just panda ring.
When I first moved to Sweden.
I was told to expect polar bears and n**... women everywhere. But what a complete rip-off! I haven't seen a single polar bear!
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Czech and a Mexican
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
There are three bears
a black, a brown, and a white one. Which bear dissolves in water?
The white bear, because it's polar
Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
I heard koalas aren't technically bears...
However, they meet all of the koalifications.
A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.
What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?
He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
The bears in China discovered a new element...
It's Panda-monium
How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The bear minimum
Snow White and the Three Dwarfs met Goldilocks and the Seven Bears at a party last week
They exchanged numbers
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.
So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
What do cows drink joke
Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.
What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?
So what do cows drink?
How to Catch a Bear.
Have you ever wanted to catch a bear? If you have, there are 4 simple steps to follow.
Step 1) Dig a big hole to catch the bear in.
Step 2) Cover the bottom of the hole in ashes so the bear doesn't get hurt when it falls in the hole.
Step 3) Sprinkle berries around the ring of the hole, because bears love berries.
Step 4) When the bear comes to eat the berries, kick it in the ash-hole.
Custody trial
Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?
J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "
JB: "no, she beats me."
J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"
JB: "no, he beats me too."
J: "then who will you live with?"
JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"
A polar bear falls into the water
"Help! I'm dissolving!"
A black bear shows up and says, "But bears are insoluble"
"That's easy for you to say. You're not polar!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
What's the difference between Marty McFly and a Bears fan?
Eventually, Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985.
When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?
"Hold on, let me get my bear rings."
Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears
I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.
Where do polar bears go to deposit money?
A snowbank
two bears walk into a bar
no one survived.
An old man sets up three beds in his room...
and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.
The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"
and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"
What do Chinese bears use to cook?
A pan. Duh!
A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...
When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".
My wife said I needed to grow up
I was speechless
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I've always said that college students are a lot like koala bears
They sleep 22 hours a day, and 90% of them have chlamydia.
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
What do Chinese bears fry dumplings in?
A Pan, Duh!
Polar bears aren't the best animals in the world.
But they're all white.
A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.
Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.
Wish 1: The Squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.
Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.
Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.
Wish 3: The Bear wishes that none of the female bears ever wanted to get married.
Wish 3: The Squirrel wishes the Bear was gay.
Why aren't Koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koala-fications
If Bear Grylls could grill bears, how many bears could Bear Grylls grill?
As many as Bear Grylls' grill could bear.
A p**... and a czechoslovakian went missing in a forest.
A search party of hunters formed and they went looking for the two and came upon two very large bears mating. They shot and killed the bears and cut the female bear open and found the p**...'s remains in her belly. One of the hunters replied "I guess the Czech's in the male"
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...
Bindair Dundat
A special group of polar bears that live in the Arctic and Antarctic have been seen with dual personalities and s**... attraction to both sexes..
I guess you could say they're Bi-polar bipolar bi polar bears.
I found out today my brother's bi-polar.
Apparently he likes male and female polar bears.
Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub.
One of the bears says:
"Can you pass the soap?"
The other bear says:
"No soap, radio."
Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce
Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.
Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?
Baby Bear: No, she beats me.
Judge: Ok how about your Papa?
Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!
There are many already outstanding reasons not to leave one's automated cloning machine out in the forest...
...but the obvious bears repeating.
A constipated man robs a toy store
He proceeds to take everything from the store, accept for the teddy bears.
Why did he not take the bears?
He couldn't take a Pooh.
My girlfriend and I have our childhood teddy bears that we put into s**... positions. I told her we should try to do things that we make them do.
Today, she came back from the toy store with a bunch of black bears...
How do you keep bears out of your backyard?
You install goal posts.
What is a polar bears favourite thing to eat?
Burrrr - Gurrrrs.
They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could
I got away with the bear minimum
It's not a privilege for bears to have limbs.
They have the right to bear arms.
One large woodland creature that can't feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can't feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can't feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can't feel pain.
I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.
What do you call a bunch of chinese bears at an o**...?
A pandemonium.
A Czechoslovakian and a Russian go bear hunting.
When they hadn't returned for several days, a search party was dispatched.
The search party followed the two men's tracks until they stopped at two dead brown bears, a male and a female.
They cut open the female, and sure enough, there was the Russian.
They didn't bother with the second bear, because they just assumed the Czech was in the male.
Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't meet the koalafications.
Koala joke
Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.
Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials.
I guess they don't meet the koalafications.
Why aren't koalas classified as bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications.
Bear & Human encounters
If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.
If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray.
If the humans still won't run away, roar in their face. If they still don't leave, then the chances are they are too s**... to have any friends, so it is safe to slap them upside the head.
If big hairy, grizzly gay guys are bears...
Does that mean we can call big grizzly gay girls Klondikes?
What do bears bring with them when they go camping?
Just the bear essentials.
A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,
Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.
So how do we know if they're grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers.
It's easy, replies the ranger. They're full of small bells.
Three blondes are on a walk
While on this walk, they come across an interesting set of tracks. Taking interest in it, each of the girls have a guess as to what animal it could be.
The first blond said "I bet those are bear tracks", to which the other two scoff and say there were no bears around.
The second blond says "they might be raccoon tracks", but the others point out they have never seen raccoon tracks that big before.
The third one, joking, says "I bet those are elephant footprints" and they have a good laugh about it.
Then the train hit them.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls grilled bears?
barely enough
A Bear walks into a bar
A Bear walks into a bar in Barnaby BC. Asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied " sorry we can't serve bears in Barnaby bc". The bear replied if you don't serve me I will eat the woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender replied sorry.... And the bear ate her... then he wanted a beer!
To which the bartender replied " Sorry we can't serve beer to bears on drugs in Barnaby BC! The bear replied WHAT?!?
Bartender replied that was a barbituate
i love koalas
Why are Koala bears not considered bears?
They don't meet the koalalifications.
A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."
The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sells the bear the beer. "You know," says the clerk, "we don't get many bears around here." To which the bear replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
Where do Polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Why do bears have hairy coats?
Fur protection
Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes
Current leads suggest that the bears' location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone
Why can't bears watch tv?
B/c they're always hitting the paws button
Which kind of bears have no teeth?
Gummy bears.
Three lawyers go on a hunting trip…
Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol' time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.
Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the b**... campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.
When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, 'well, if you do a dna test, you'll find that the Czech is in the male.'
Thank you. I'm here all night.
There are many good reasons why you shouldn't leave your cloning device out in the woods
But the obvious bears repeating
What's smarter than the average bear?
About half of all bears.
What do Stock Traders, Gay Men, and Chicagoans have in common?
They all love the bears.
Scientists have discovered a new type of polar bear. It can live in both the North and South poles, is prone to extreme mood swings and has shown interest in other bears of both genders.
It's a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear
It's a little known fact that bears believe in astrology...
It's called The Kodiak.
One of their pickup lines is "Hey honey... what's ursine?"
What do you call two Polar Bears on a date In Hawaii?
Lost
