Beard Jokes

148 beard jokes and hilarious beard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

"Jokes about beards are some of the most offensive out there! From sideburns to the full-on mountain man of a beard, we've all heard the jokes. Whether you shave it all off or rock an epic man-bun with a turban, these jokes will surely make you chuckle!"

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Funniest Beard Short Jokes

Short beard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beard humour may include short mustache jokes also.

  1. I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill" Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
  2. My wife told me I should shave my beard. A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.
  3. My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg? Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!
  4. My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard. I said, Who is this, grandpa?
    Grandpa: He's my hip replacement.
  5. My wife is angry because she thinks I'm letting birds make a home in my beard. They're obviously not staying though. It's just a Hairbnb.
  6. I was sleeping with two twins for while in my 20s.... My friends all asked, "how can you tell them apart?" I replied, "well...Sharon has long blonde hair, and Derek has a beard."
  7. What happened when Red-Beard's ship and Blue-Beard's ship crashed into each other? They were MAROONED!
  8. My friend visited me months after I moved and said sweet beard . I said... Thanks, it's growing on me .
  9. I tried growing a beard over lockdown but couldn't pull it off. Then I tried using a razor instead and that was much more effective.
  10. Chuck Norris They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

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Beard One Liners

Which beard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beard? I can suggest the ones about moustache and man shaving.

  1. Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta
  2. Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard? The barber
  3. Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
  4. I never liked the idea of having a beard Then it grew on me
  5. My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard... He's a seasoned veteran.
  6. Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard! Tell him I already have one.
  7. There's a new razor designed for dyslexics. It's the best thing since sliced beard.
  8. I'm unsure whether I like my beard. But it's growing on me.
  9. Why don't girls have beards? It's in their "jeans" ;)
  10. Hey... Nice beard Thanks, it's growing on me
  11. My friend and I are in a beard growing contest Right now it's neck and neck.
  12. If a bearded man makes vases... Is he a hairy potter?
  13. I would shave my beard... but it's kind of grown on me.
  14. If women had beards.... They would shave them off and then draw them back on.
  15. Who shaves many times a day but still has a beard? The barber.

Your Beard Jokes

Here is a list of funny your beard jokes and even better your beard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa I don't think he could pull it off very well
  • Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees." Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."
  • What's the difference between a bowling ball & my mother-in-law? The bowling ball doesn't have a beard.
  • There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive... ...than bearded women.
  • Then I said "your beard makes you look thinner" ...but that didn't seem to cheer her up
  • What do you call a bearded gardener? Hairy Potter
  • I was thinking of shaving my beard But it really grew on me.
  • To those bearded men in turbans who tried to convert me to your religion You make me Sikh!
  • What did Black Beard's Otolaryngologist charge for his services? A Buccaneer!
  • My wife told me to get a beard... the ideas growing on me

Growing Beard Jokes

Here is a list of funny growing beard jokes and even better growing beard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Someone told me they like my beard. I said "Thanks me too... ... it's really growing on me."
  • When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard ....But eventually it started to grow on me.
  • What did the teenage boys right leg say to the left leg? Hey look! The little ones growing a beard!
  • I've never been a fan of beards… but they're growing on me.
  • I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to grow a beard At first he said no, and that he'll think about it.
    But then it grew on him.
  • I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard... But it's growing on me.
  • Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day? Waldo found himself
  • At first I didn't like my beard.. But now it's starting to grow on me.
  • Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me. Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.
  • At first I didn't like my beard but after a few months it's really growing on me.
Beard joke, At first I didn't like my beard but after a few months

Beard Grows Jokes

Here is a list of funny beard grows jokes and even better beard grows puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard. But, honestly, it's growing on me.
  • My friend suggested I grow my beard. At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.
  • At first I didn't want a beard... But now it's really growing on me.
  • I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly. Also I have a beard now.
  • I used to not like my beard..... But now it's growing on me.
  • Why do people hate beards at the start but love them by the end? They grow on you.
  • I'm sporting a quarantine beard. I didn't like it at first. But it's growing on me.
  • i didnt like my beard at first... ...but its growing on me
  • I started growing a beard a while back. I didn't like the way it looked at first. But its growing on me.
  • At first I wasn't sure about my beard But it's growing on me

Shaving Off Beard Jokes

Here is a list of funny shaving off beard jokes and even better shaving off beard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the hipster shave off his beard? To keep cool during the summer…
  • All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine. But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.
  • Now that No Shave November is over, I don't really want to shave off my beard It's growing on me
  • I've considered shaving off my beard But it's starting to grow on me
  • How do philosophers shave off their beards? Occam's razor
  • Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.
  • My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom... I guess he's just trying to shave face
  • Why do Jehovah's Witnesses believe Christ had no beard? Jesus shaves.
  • I'm keeping my beard after No-Shave November. It's really starting to grow on me.
  • Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard? Because he's no good at shaving.
Beard joke, Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard?

Hilarious Beard Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about beard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean barber jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beard pranks.

I was on vacation in Tahiti and decide to go for a one day boat trip

The skipper was sailing along islands when I saw on a really tiny one a man with a long beard, torn-down clothes and no shoes waving at us, screaming. He was very, very far and I didn't understand a word he was saying. I asked the skipper:
- Who is this guy?
- Dunno, he have been there for six months, waves at me every day.

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Confucius say...

Confucius say man with beard face rough time!


An Eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The Eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns and says, "Look's like you just blew a seal." The Eskimo replied, "Do I have something in my beard?"

Can beards get dandruff?

Or does my girlfriend have p**... lice?

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

I used to dislike the idea of having a beard ...

but it slowly grew on me.

I've recently been going out with one of a set of twins...

And I nearly kissed the wrong one the other day.
But I've come up with a great way to tell the difference between the two; mine's the one without the beard.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls

All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key v**..., a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

I haven't s**... my beard in a couple days

It's starting to grow on me

Why can't Black Beard use the N-word?

He always says it with a hard "arrr."

A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour.

"Muzzle him" the vet advised.
The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking along the road....

....and they see a boy approach. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey lets screw this kid." The rabbi scratches his beard and replies "out of what?"

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

I used to know a guy who s**... around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

I always shave my beard after having s**...

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"

What do you call an adult male who believes that a man with a white beard hands out stuff for free?

A communist

Native American run deep in my bloodline. That's why I can't grow f**... hair.

I have Apache beard.

A guy was robbed in the park.

He called the police. After 10 minutes, a policeman arrived.
He asked: "Can you describe the person?"
The guy answered: " Yeah. It was a man, he had a beard, was really big, approximately 1.95m."
The policeman looked confused and said: "Wow, that's a pretty long beard. can't be too hard to find him!"

What kind of f**... hair does a teenage Native American have?

Apache beard

I wasn't sure how I felt about having a beard

But now that I think about it, it has really grown on me.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?


When I picked up my date I explained how I had s**... off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn't done the same for me

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, f**... hare!

I Didn't Like My Beard...

...but it grew on me.

At first I didn't like my beard

but it's grown on me.

What do you call a religious beard?

Faith-al hair.

Why isn't every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn't imply Claus-ality.

I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered

"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.
"h**..., h**..., h**...!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.

(A joke from ancient Rome) A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he's waiting a friend sees him and asks what he's doing. "I'm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in." Says the idiot. "No wonder people call you an idiot" says the friend... "How do you know it's not coming in from the other gate?"

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the card disappears.
David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.
Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expects him to best the world's most famous magicians. But he waves his hand, and, *p**...*...
...the 300,000-man strong Afghan National Army disappears.

Nature's selection for our placement of hair is a weird thing.

Can't grow a beard for s**..., but enough a**... hair to turn diarrhea into filtered water

How come Geronimo never had f**... hair?

Cause he could only grow Apache beard!

Beard joke, How come Geronimo never had f**... hair?

jokes about beard