Beard Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard?

The barber

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber.

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

I never liked the idea of having a beard

Then it grew on me

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

Ladies room

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

A muslim in Heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffee !!!!"

Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard!

Tell him I already have one.

I was on vacation in Tahiti and decide to go for a one day boat trip

The skipper was sailing along islands when I saw on a really tiny one a man with a long beard, torn-down clothes and no shoes waving at us, screaming. He was very, very far and I didn't understand a word he was saying. I asked the skipper:
- Who is this guy?
- Dunno, he have been there for six months, waves at me every day.

My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard.

I said, Who is this, grandpa?

Grandpa: He's my hip replacement.

A rather attractive woman after having been in the Pub awhile, goes up to the bar of this small rural Pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".

There's a new razor designed for dyslexics.

It's the best thing since sliced beard.

Please let us know if this restroom needs attention

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Jesus was set in charge of pearly gates of St. Peter for a few minutes.

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.

Jesus agrees and in a few minutes he sees an old old man approach.

The old man walked very slowly, had a halting gait, long white hair and a beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man said that he was looking for his son.

Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could because there were millions of people there.

"I know I can identify him," said the old man, "because he has holes in his hands and feet!"

Jesus looks at him in shock and says, "Father? Is that you?"

The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"

A Politician's Tells

Especially given recent events, it's important to be able to understand how to read a politician. Every politician has similar tells, you see...
When a politician rubs their nose, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their chin, they're telling the truth.
When a politician strokes their beard, they're telling the truth.
When a politician loosens their tie, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their ear, they're telling the truth.
But when a politician opens their mouth, that's when you know they're lying.

I was sleeping with two twins for while in my 20s....

My friends all asked, "how can you tell them apart?" I replied, "well...Sharon has long blonde hair, and Derek has a beard."

I didn't like the idea of having a beard

But then it grew on me

I'm unsure whether I like my beard.

But it's growing on me.

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"

The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.

"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

My friend visited me months after I moved and said sweet beard . I said...

Thanks, it's growing on me .

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a finger into his mouth.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender, flustered, managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

Hey... Nice beard

Thanks, it's growing on me

Sorry.

My friend and I are in a beard growing contest

Right now it's neck and neck.

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.

James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!

Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

Oh really, I can't, he replied. My wife loves this beard!!

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

If a bearded man makes vases...

Is he a hairy potter?

You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls

All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

A funny true encounter

I was spending some time alone in an isolated cabin in the Ozarks. Not a neighbor for hundreds of meters. One day at around 9 p.m. I get a knock on the door, so I go to answer it. I see a large, pot bellied man with a huge bushy beard.

"The name's Hank. I live just a mile down the road. I see you're new around here. I'm throwing a party tonight and I thought you might like to come."

"Sure, sounds great!" I said.

"There's gonna be drinking!"

"I can drink with the best of them!"

"There's gonna be fighting!"

"Sounds like fun!"

"There's gonna be some wild sex!"

"Sweet! What should I wear?"

"It don't matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with a supermodel...

After about two weeks, they give in to their desires and start having sex. After about three weeks of this, the guy says to the model, "Would you do me a favor?" "Sure she says." "First, put my clothes on," he says. "Next, would you draw a beard and mustache on your face with this piece of coal I found?" "Sure," she says hesitantly. "Finally, can I call you Fred?" he asks. "Okay... " she agrees. "Great! Hey Fred, you'll never guess who I've been banging for the last three weeks!"

I would shave my beard...

but it's kind of grown on me.

This is heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?', he asks. 'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: ' Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Who shaves many times a day but still has a beard?

The barber.

At first I didn't like having a beard

But then it grew on me.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.

What did you do? asked the man of the rabbi.

I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.

What did he say? asked the man.

He said, Funny you should come to me...

Dubya meets Moses

George W Bush was sitting at an airport when he saw a strange man walking by.

He had long white hair, a long white beard, wore robes, and rocked sandals that clicked against the floor along with his staff.

Dubya got up and stood in front of him. "Hey, aren't you Moses?"

Moses pretended he couldn't see him.

Dubya asked again, but again Moses was looking away intently.

Finally Dubya grabbed the man's arm and said, "Why are you so unfriendly??"

To that Moses finally responded, "Last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years in the desert."

My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa

I don't think he could pull it off very well

A priest sees God

After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a hair's breadth to me.
The priest: And time?
God: Billions of your years are but a second to me.
The priest: What about money?
God smiles and says: Money means absolutely nothing to me, all the money in the word is less than a cent to me.
The Priest, gathering courage then asks God: Almighty, would you mind than, maybe, creating few millions for our impoverished parish?
Sure - says God - just a second.

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

I was thinking of shaving my beard

But it really grew on me.

Variations of a nail joke. (Heard at a Ren Faire, modified)

The Goldman Nails company is trying to bolster business. They start a contest to create an advertisement for the business. The first submission is from an older lady.

It starts with a man with a beard in a white robe hammering away at wood. The shot pulls back to reveal an massive wooden ship and the figure turns and says "I'm Noah and I use Goldman Nails."

The second submission is from an elderly gentleman. It opens with a king sitting surrounded by men working on a great temple. The king says "I am king Solomon and all of my men wisely use Goldman Nails."

The last submission was by little Johnny. It opens on a desert. A man runs across the screen. He has a crown of thorns on this head and blood is coming out of his side. It is clearly Jesus. He runs off and two Roman Centurions run into focus. They look at each other; winded, one says to the other "We should have used Goldman's nails"

Someone told me they like my beard. I said "Thanks me too...

... it's really growing on me."

Native American run deep in my bloodline. That's why I can't grow facial hair.

I have Apache beard.

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking along the road....

....and they see a boy approach. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey lets screw this kid." The rabbi scratches his beard and replies "out of what?"

When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard

....But eventually it started to grow on me.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M'laria

What did the teenage boys right leg say to the left leg?

Hey look! The little ones growing a beard!

A different kind of Jewish joke

A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps.
"Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"
"What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"
"Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Christian!"
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should mention that. My son too went to Israel, and he too came back a Christian..."
At this moment, a bright light parts the clouds and a booming voice sounds from on high: "Funny you should mention that..."

Confucius say...

Confucius say man with beard face rough time!

Originally, I didn't like having a beard

But then it grew on me

I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to grow a beard

At first he said no, and that he'll think about it.

But then it grew on him.

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

I used to dislike the idea of having a beard ...

but it slowly grew on me.

At first I didn't like my beard..

But now it's starting to grow on me.

What do you call an adult male who believes that a man with a white beard hands out stuff for free?

A communist

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me.

Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.

At first I didn't want a beard...

But now it's really growing on me.

I wasn't sure how I felt about having a beard

But now that I think about it, it has really grown on me.

I haven't shaved my beard in a couple days

It's starting to grow on me

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour.

"Muzzle him" the vet advised.

The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"

A pirate come back from sea...

He stops at the barber for a trim on his beard. The barber is aghast at the sight of the pirate.
Barber : What happened to you??? When you left you were fine but now look at you!!
Pirate: Whaddaya mean to say?
Barber: You got a wooden leg now, when you left you had both legs...
Pirate: Oh this? We were in a ship to ship battle and a cannonball got my leg, but the doc gave me this peg and I'm just fine.
Barber: But you have a hook hand now, when you left you had both hands!
Pirate:Oh that? We were fighting natives on an island and one cut off my hand, but the doc fixed me up with this hook and I'm fine.
Barber: But your eye! You had both when you left.
Pirate: That...Well it was a beautiful day with not a cloud in the sky. I saw a gull overhead and as I looked at, it crapped in my eye.
Barber: You can't lose your eye from that!
Pirate : See I hadn't gotten used to the hook yet...

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

I used to not like my beard.....

But now it's growing on me.

Eskimos

An Eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The Eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns and says, "Look's like you just blew a seal." The Eskimo replied, "Do I have something in my beard?"

Can beards get dandruff?

Or does my girlfriend have pubic lice?

I've recently been going out with one of a set of twins...

And I nearly kissed the wrong one the other day.

But I've come up with a great way to tell the difference between the two; mine's the one without the beard.

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

A guy was robbed in the park.

He called the police. After 10 minutes, a policeman arrived.

He asked: "Can you describe the person?"

The guy answered: " Yeah. It was a man, he had a beard, was really big, approximately 1.95m."

The policeman looked confused and said: "Wow, that's a pretty long beard. can't be too hard to find him!"

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

Actually, no". the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the bartender. "Is there anything *I* can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

What are the funniest beard jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Beard? Well, here are the best Beard puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Beard pick up lines to share with friends.

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