The Best 61 Bear Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bear jokes. There are some bear wolf jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bear bunny and the bear puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bear Jokes and Puns

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.

After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.

The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.

Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Bear joke, Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

Three Blondes

Three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Hey guys, look at the bear tracks." The second blonde said, "Are you stupid? Those are wolf tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong! Those are fox tracks!" They were all still arguing when the train hit them.


My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.

"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have a......

....

.....

....

....

....

...beer." the bear says.

"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

:)

A bear walks into a bar...

He walks up to the counter.

The bartender says "What can I get you?"

The bear replies "I'll have a gin............and tonic."

The bartender says "What's with the pause?"

The bear says "These? Had em my whole life."

Bear joke, A bear walks into a bar...

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

A bear walks into a bar..

*Goes up to the bartender*

Bear: "Hi, I'd like a gin...................and tonic."

Bartender: "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"

*bear looks at own paws*

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you!

You can explore bear cub reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bear rabbit dad jokes. There are also bear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?

Claude

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

A bear walks into a bar...

Bartender asks: "What would you like?"

Bear says: "Can I have a... ... ... ... beer please."

Bartender asks: "Why the huge pause?"

Bear says: "I dunno. Had 'em since I was a kid."

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..

Bear joke, Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

Three blondes are walking through the woods...

They come across a pair of tracks.

The first blonde says, "I think these are bear tracks!"

"No", the second blondes goes, "these are definitely deer tracks!"

The third blonde says, "I think they're rabbit tracks!!"

Then the train hit them...

This is my favorite clean joke by far.

Three Blondes

Three blondes are hiking in the woods when they see some tracks.

1st blonde: Look guys, deer tracks!

2nd blonde: No, stupid, they're wolf tracks!

3rd blonde: You guys are both dumb, they're clearly bear tracks!

Then they got hit by a train.

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.


A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

A polar bear falls into the water

"Help! I'm dissolving!"

A black bear shows up and says, "But bears are insoluble"

"That's easy for you to say. You're not polar!"

My wife and I were camping...

and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"

I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.

Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

Why didn't the bear go to college?

Because bears don't go to college.

A bear climbs a tree....

a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room

The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

What do you call a bear in the rain?

A drizzly bear

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender "I'll have a gin...and tonic."

Bartender says "OK, but why the pause?"

"I was born with them."

A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...

When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks what he'll have.

The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."

The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

Three blondes found some tracks...

The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.

He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear...
(From my daughter)

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.

Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants,

I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

A man walks into a bear

The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and.... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear then answered. "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

What do you call a naked bear?

A bare

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".

A bear walks in to a bar and says, I'll have a gin and..........tonic. The bartender asks, Why the big pause? The bear looks down for a second and says, I don't know,

I guess I was just born this way.

Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit

It was Polarizing

What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower.

A drizzly bear!

So my son asked me why his teddy bear didn't need to eat. I said why, he said

Because he's stuffed.

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray.

If the humans still won't run away, roar in their face. If they still don't leave, then the chances are they are too stupid to have any friends, so it is safe to slap them upside the head.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear

Fuzzy Wuzz had no hair.

If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear without hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy was he?

(This still cracks me up 20+ years outside the 2nd grade classroom where me and my boys gut-laughed to tears over this)

A Rabbit and a Bear in the Woods

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and says:
"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says: "no"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

What did Bear Grylls tell himself when he ran out of water?

Urine trouble!

The bear in the bar

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ...... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "Iยดm not sure; I was born with them"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bear teddy bears jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bear baby bears piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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