Bear Hunting Jokes
49 bear hunting jokes and hilarious bear hunting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bear hunting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Bear Hunting Short Jokes
Short bear hunting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bear hunting humour may include short deer hunting jokes also.
- My dad used to hunt. Once a bear sat on him. I asked him how it felt. He said ... Unbearable.
- A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake. He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.
- I went hunting with my dad and on the way there we saw a sign It said "Bear Left" so we went home
- Two Polish guys are hunting for bears in the woods. They come across a fork in the road with a sign that says "BEAR LEFT" They both turn around and go home.
- We were on our way to go hunting, when we saw a sign that said Bear Left. So we went home.
- Trump just lifted the ban on hunting hibernating bears In other words, this gun law says "You have the right to bear" arms.
- Two men go bear hunting. The first man asks, "Have you ever hunted bear before?"
The second man replies, "No, but I've been fishing in shorts." - A man started driving to the forest to hunt bear there. However, as he was driving there, he saw a sign saying "BEAR LEFT", so he turned around and went back home.
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Bear Hunting One Liners
Which bear hunting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bear hunting? I can suggest the ones about duck hunting and rabbit hunting.
- What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa? The Polar bear.
- Shot a bear while thrifting Goodwill Hunting
- I went driving into the woods to go hunting. The sign said BEAR LEFT So I went home.
- What do you call a house where a bear hunting enthusiast lives A trap house
- How do you call a bear that can't hunt? An em-bear-assment
- A man goes hunting for bears... But settles for an otter...
- What cheese do you take with you on a bear hunt? Camembert.
- What's a gay r**...'s favorite activity? Bear hunting.
Howlingly Hilarious Bear Hunting Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about bear hunting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hunting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bear hunting pranks.
Three blondes were on a hunting trip. Suddenly they came upon some tracks. One blonde says," They're deer tracks." The other one said, "They're bear tracks." The last one said, "They're elephant tracks!" They were still there when they got ran over by the train.
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your t**... out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for s**... here].”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town.
He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka.
Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
Peculiar Contest
A frenchman, an american, and an arab [NOTE: this isn't racist, you can just paste any nationality whatsoever. However, the joke works best with these three] walk into a bar and come up with a contest to see who's better.
The contest rules: you must kill a bear and have s**... with an old lady in the shortest possible time.
The frenchman walks in, and he's very good with women because he's french and all, takes 2hr to bang the grandma. But, he s**... at hunting because he's never seen a bear before and needs 6hrs to kill the bear. 8hrs.
The american is the opposite, because he's all christian and has moral obligation, while he's really good at hunting because there are lots of bears in his country. 8hrs also.
The arab walks in where the bear is, and stays in there for 7hrs. We hear grunts and loud noises. Finally, he emerges all bruised up and scarred, and proudly says: "So, where is that old lady I have to kill?"
A guy is out hunting...
He sees a bear and shoots at it. He misses, and suddenly slips and falls down the mountainside. His leg is caught in a bear trap, and the bear is coming right towards him. He cries out, "Lord, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but I promise to repent now if you make this bear a Christian!" The bear skids to a halt, drops to his knees, clasps his paws together and says, "O Lord, I thank you for the food I am about to receive!"
A man went hunting in Alaska.
A man was hunting in Alaska when he found himself confronted by a small, agitated bear. In order to survive, he shot it. Feeling hungry, he decided to utilize it and cook dinner in the woods.
It was tasty, even though it was a little grizzly.
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
A hunter visited a doctor who was about to give him a spinal tap...
Doctor says "Well this might hurt, I just want you do know." The hunter goes "don't worry doc, I've only been in pain twice in my life, this will be nothing."
So the doctor performs the spinal tap and sure enough, the hunter didn't flinch a muscle. Curious about the hunters statement, he asks "So, what are the two times you've been in pain"
Hunter says "I was hunting once and had to take a dump. I dropped my trousers and squated, and my n**... triggered a bear trap I didn't see"
Wincing, the doctor asks "And the second?"
Hunter says "When I ran of of chain"
Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter
"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"
"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"
*Gun shot*
"He is. Now what?"
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
Tennessee Joke
Two guys are hunting in the woods one day and they get to arguing about a set of tracks they had spotted, "Them is deer tracks," one says. The other, "No them's bear tracks!" Back and forth for about an hour... Then they get hit by the train.
Two hunters are out hunting
Suddenly, they see a bear racing towards them. They start running, but all of a sudden one of them stops and starts to take off his hunting boots and put on running shoes.
The other hunters says to him: "What are you doing? Those will not make you run faster than the bear."
The first hunter replies calmly: "No, but they will make run faster than you."
So a hunter
made a deal with his wife that if he catches a bear, she would field clean and prepare it. If he doesn't, she gets a day at the spa.
He walked out of their hunting lodge to his favorite spot and waited for a bear to pass by.
He sees a few creatures, but not the trophy he's looking for. An hour goes by...two hours... three hours, and then finally, there it is. The biggest bear he'd ever seen. Well, he slowly, quietly picks up his gun, aims, pulls the trigger, and "click" the gun jams.
"Uh oh" thinks the hunter, as he starts to get up to get out of there. But, the bear noticed and moved towards him. This caused the hunter to run, and the bear gave chase. He ran faster than he ever had before, all the way back to the hunting lodge. He thought he was in the clear, but he tripped going up the steps to the front door.
The bear jumps right over him and through the door into the house. The hunter shouts from outside " You clean this one, I'm gonna go get another one"
Two bear hunters...
... are sitting around the campfire after a long, successful day of bear hunting. They had just finished cleaning and gutting their bears when the first bear hunter declares, "I gotta p**...." So he runs off into the woods to do his business.
An hour passes, and the second bear hunter begins to worry about his friend. Eventually, bear hunter number two goes to find his missing companion. Not far into the woods he finds hunter number one squatted down in the woods, pants down, and fast asleep.
The second bear hunter decided to play a prank on bear hunter number one. He went back to the campsite, grabbed all the bear guts he could carry and placed them under the squatted haunches of bear hunter number one. With a smile, the second bear hunter returned to camp.
After a short while, the first bear hunter returns to the campsite in a sweat.
"Dude, I literally just crapped my guts out. It was only thanks to the good grace of god and a big stick that I got 'em back in."
A man goes hunting...
He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".
Hueh.
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
A happy 80 year old man goes to see his doctor
Doctor: Why are you so happy?
Old Man: My 19 year old wife is pregnant! Can you believe it?!
Doctor: Wow, that great news! You know, I have a story to tell you.
Old Man: Go ahead
Doctor: I once had a friend. He would go hunting every weekend. One day he forgot to bring his gun. He brought his umbrella instead.
Old Man: Ok...
Doctor: He then saw a bear. Not knowing what to do, he opened the umbrella, and p**..., the bear died.
Old Man: How's that possible? You can't kill a bear with an umbrella
Doctor: Exactly. Somebody else must've shot the bear.
Bush, Obama, and Trump go on a hunting trip.
Their hunting guide instructs them to find and follow tracks and they should be able to find their quarry.
Bush follows some tracks and gets a bear. Obama follows some tracks and gets a deer.
Trump follows some tracks and gets hit by a train.
Three old guys are sitting around talking.
One subject leads to another, when the subject of pain comes up.
First guy says "you ever zipped your f**... into your jeans? That's pain.."
Second guy, "that's not pain, you ever had the t**... and went to jump on the toilet in a hurry and trapped one of your nuts between your leg and the toilet seat??"
Third guy says "That's nothing, you ever been out in the woods hunting, went to go squat behind a tree to do some business, and accidentally dropped your nuts on to a bear trap?"
First two fellas cringe, interrupt, and start agreeing that's probably the most painful thing they've heard.
Third guy, "that's not pain... Pain is when you run out of chain."
Two men are hunting in the woods...
One of them tries to shoot a bear, but misses and ends up being mauled by the bear. After the incident, as he is "bear"ly holding on to life the othe runs over and calls 911. "Help my friend and i were hunting and he got mauled by a bear, I think he's dead! " The woman on the phone responds "well we would love to help, but first can you make sure he's dead"....*BANG!!!!* .... " ok he's dead, what do I do next"
A Czechoslovakian and a Russian go bear hunting.
When they hadn't returned for several days, a search party was dispatched.
The search party followed the two men's tracks until they stopped at two dead brown bears, a male and a female.
They cut open the female, and sure enough, there was the Russian.
They didn't bother with the second bear, because they just assumed the Czech was in the male.
In Transylvania. We go hunting for bear!
Father tells son:
Son! We go hunting for bear! Bring the dog, rope and the gun.
So the boy asks: Why we need the dog and the rope?
Because, when we go hunting for bear. The bear will be up on the tree. I climb up, shake the bear down. When the bear falls the dog will bite his nutz so you can rope the bear!
But then why we need the gun?
Because if the bear shakes me down, you have to shoot the dog!
Two guys are out hunting deer.
The first guy says "Did you see that?"
No" the second guy says.
Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.
Oh.
A couple of minutes later, the first guy says "Did you see that?"
See what?"
Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.
Oh".
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says "Yes, I did!"
Then why did you step in it?"
Three lawyers go on a hunting trip…
Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol' time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.
Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the b**... campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.
When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, 'well, if you do a dna test, you'll find that the Czech is in the male.'
Thank you. I'm here all night.
Two friends go hunting....
While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.
The Survivor calls 911.
Survivor: My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!
911: Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?
***BANG***
Survivor: Okay, now what?
