Beans Jokes
158 beans jokes and hilarious beans puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beans that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article provides ideas for some of the funniest jokes about beans. Learn about some of the best gags involving baked beans, green beans, jelly beans, lima beans, refried beans and more. Also gain inspiration for all the creative ways you can use beans to make a delicious and flavorful casserole, or combine them with peas and parmesan for a tasty side dish.
Quick Jump To
- Short Beans Jokes
- Beans One Liners
- Baked Beans Jokes
- Coffee Beans Jokes
- Jelly Beans Jokes
- Green Beans Jokes
- More Beans Jokes
Funniest Beans Short Jokes
Short beans jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beans humour may include short banana jokes also.
- What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I bet you never heard of someone paying $20 to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
- What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? Nobody pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
- Why can't a farmer keep secrets on her farm? Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.
- Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said... "I think you're supposed to open that first"
- Can you tell me why the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? well me boy, one more would be "twofarty".
- Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I haven't paid $500 to have a garbanzo bean in my face.
- What's the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean? I've never paid to have a lima bean on my chest.
- What's the difference between a hippie girl and a can of beans? You would still eat the beans after a month in the woods
- A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss. However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.
- What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Last night I didn't pay 20 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
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Beans One Liners
Which beans one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beans? I can suggest the ones about bread and berry.
- What happens when you eat beans with onions? tear gas!
(Written by my 9 yr old son) - I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.
- I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat He mistook it for a job offer. :(
- How do you make a neato burrito? With cool beans.
- Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!
- Life is like a bag of jelly beans Everyone hates the black ones
- looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online... Heinz site's a wonderful thing
- What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion? Teargas
- What do you get when you mix beans and onions? Tear gas
- what can u make with onions and baked beans? tear gas
- My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.. Jack and the beans talk.
- How do you discipline a coffee bean? You ground it.
- Gas is still $1.29 if you know where to go. Taco Bell bean burritos.
- What do Japanese kittens take to school for lunch? A bean-toe box!
- I've been banned from the Secret Cooking Society... I kept spilling the beans.
Baked Beans Jokes
Here is a list of funny baked beans jokes and even better baked beans puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans
- what do you call a high Rowan Atkinson? Baked bean.
- What would you call a 100 year old can of baked beans? Has-beens.
- I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans. I'll call it Farts & Crafts.
- *From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?' 'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'
'And why is your son crying?'
'He wants his lunch back.' - What do you call a sunburnt vegan? A baked bean
- What do you call a bunch of Mexican Stoners? Baked Beans.
- What do you call it when a car full of Mexicans catches fire? Baked beans
- Why weren't the baked beans heating up? They were just chilling
- What did they call Muhammad Ali after he had baked beans? Gaseous Clay
Coffee Beans Jokes
Here is a list of funny coffee beans jokes and even better coffee beans puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why were the coffee beans upset? Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure.
- How do you make Turkish coffee? You grind up 1.5 million armenian coffee beans and lie about it for a century.
- How do you punish your coffee beans? You ground it.
- My online coffee bean order wasn't eligible for overnight delivery. They told me they only ship ground.
- Doctor, my girlfriend grinds her teeth while sleeping. Dr: Put some coffee beans in her mouth and set the alarm for 7:30am
- Recently a robber stole 300 cups worth of coffee beans How does he sleep at night.
- Why can you trust a coffee roaster? Because he never spills the beans :-)
- What do you get when you put coffee beans in the ground? Ground coffee
- In which Olympic event do coffee beans win gold? The decafalon
- What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans? "That's grounds for divorce!"
Jelly Beans Jokes
Here is a list of funny jelly beans jokes and even better jelly beans puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans? The black ones steal your watch.
- Why did the old man put jelly beans in his pill organizer? He had dementia.
- jelly bean challenge
- Jelly bean challenge
- What's your favorite kind of jelly? Beans
- Why do elephants paint their toe nails? To hide in a box of jelly beans. Ever see an elephant in a box of jelly beans? Must work pretty well!
my aunt introduced this one to me. - How do you find an elephant hiding in a jar of jelly beans? You don't. It's hiding.
- Life is like a packet of jelly beans. No one likes the black ones!
(No offense meant) - What does the world and jelly beans have in common? Everyone hates the black ones.
- Jelly Beans are a lot like people. No one likes the black ones.
Green Beans Jokes
Here is a list of funny green beans jokes and even better green beans puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner? The casse-role.
- What do you call an environmentally conscious Mexican? A green bean.
- I found a green vegetable in the shape of a clock. But I won't eat it. Not for the time bean
- What's the difference between a green bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $50 to see a green bean.
- What do you call an Hispanic gentleman who drives a hybrid car? A green bean.
- Why did the green bean go to jail? He was disturbing the peas.
- What do you call a Mexican driving a Prius? A Green Bean!
- What do you call a Jealous Mexican? A Green Bean.
- Why did the Green Giant get a new lid? Because he always spills the beans.
- What do you get when you cross green beans and one plate? Dr sews people
LOL GET IT
Hilarious Beans Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about beans you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beans pranks.
Why do they only put 239 beans in each can?
If they put one more in it would make the beans too f**....
Why don't Mexicans have BBQs?
Because the beans keep falling through the grill.
Why does the hipster make c**... coffee?
The beans are always under-ground.
How many beans are in Irish bean soup?
Two-thirty-nine. One more and it'd be too f**....
Mitch Hedberg-type joke.
I saw a bible supply store on the way over here. I did not realize bibles required supplies. I was under the impression they came fully equipped. "Hey, you coming to the revival this weekend? No, man, my bible wants to go camping. We have to stop at store. For supplies. Like a tiny can of beans. And a little tent."
Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and it'd be too f**....
A p**... goes to the doctor...
...and the doctor says You are pregnant. Do you know who the father is? The p**... replies, If you ate a can of beans, could you tell me which one made you f**...?
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Did you hear about the cannibal that only ate beans?
Human Beans.
Tough Kid
An 8 year-old kid is sitting on a swing, eating jelly beans, in a playground in South Philly. This man walks by and says, "Hey kid, you shouldn't eat candy. It's not good for you."
Kid looks up and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 95?"
"Yeah, and? He ate a lot of candy?"
Kid smiles and says, "No. But he knew how to mind his own f**...' business."
Dem puns...
Why are there two hundred and thirty-nine beans in Irish Bean Soup?
Because if there be one moar, it'd be too f**...!
What do you call Muhammad Ali after he eats lots of beans?
Gaseous Clay
Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup p**...?
Because any more would be too f**....
Why is Irish bean soup made with 239 beans?
Because if you add even one more it gets "2 f**...".
Jack and the beanstalk
Does everybody know the guy in Jack and The Beanstalk who trades the magic beans for Jacks cow?
Cause I guess you could call him a Stalk Broker
Did you hear about the man who burnt down a field full of beans?
He really razed some pulses.
Irish chili
How many beans do you put in Irish chili? Two hundred and thirty-nine.
Why? Because one more would be two-f**....
Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili??
If they added just one more, it would be too-f**...!
Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it?
(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too f**....
How many beans are in Irish Chili?
239, because if there was 1 more it would be "Too f**...".
Husband: Guests are coming tonight.
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
A p**... walks into the doctor's office.
The doctor does some exams and after getting the results back realises the woman is pregnant.
"Do you know who the father is?" Asks the doctor.
The p**... proclaims, "Well doc, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you f**...?"
My mom keeps asking me who made a mess at the dinner table
I spilled the beans
I heard Dunkin Donuts has a cold brew now.
Cool beans.
Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans?
If he ate one more, it would be too f**...!
I should start a store that sells wheat and beans.
It would be called "Gluten And Tootin"
The other day a girl asked me if I like b**... or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed p**... with thin lips...
So I got kicked out of KFC.
If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?
I'd be f**... and you'd be f**... too.
Why do the Irish only eat 239 beans at a time?
Because one more would be too f**....
A pregnant p**... is visiting her Dr.
When he asks her if she knows who the father is.
She answers, "oh for goodness sakes! If you eat a can of beans do you know which one makes you f**...!"
What do you call a group of s**... Mexicans?
Baked beans
I only ate 239 beans.
Just one more and I'd be too f**....
What do you get if you eat onions and refried beans?
Tear Gas
Why do Irish stews have only 239 beans in them?
Because if there was one more, it would be too f**....
Why can't you trust fajitas?
Because they tend to spill the beans.
I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...
They kicked me out for spilling the beans.
Why do Irish people only use 239 beans in their soup?
Because adding another would be too f**....
Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?
Because one more would be two f**.... 😊
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I don't get hard when a garbanzo beans on my face.
Why did the Irishman only eat 239 beans?
if he'd had one more it would have been too f**....
How do you sell beans for the price of beef?
Make vegan burger.
I opened a can of expired beans
It let out an uncanny smell.
Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili?
Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too f**...!
Why do Irish people only put 239 beans in their chili?
If they add one more it would be too f**....
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too f**...
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.
Jack and the Beans talk.
Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans
If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...
What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?
A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.
(Don't be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)
This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...
A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells out to the chef "yo beans, make another plate".
An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff
He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.
He goes to his wife, 'Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?'
Mary responds: '239.'
Why my love?
Mary: any more would be too f**...
If you find beans in a beanery and cans in a cannery....
What do you find in a country?
I decided to e**... baked beans through my nose.
In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.
becca: [fries beans]
**rebecca:** *[refries beans]*
She said she was stripping to feed her kids.
Yet she got p**... at me when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.
I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per p**.... I asked him, why? He said
If I added just one more bean, it would be too f**...!
Nation dialogue
You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My mom says that Iran out of diversity with food, and that I needed to expand on that. She also mentioned we need to get groceries. I said "Denmark my words, I shall go to the grocery store!".
Guy walks into the doctor's office...
A guy with green beans stuck in his ears goes to the doctor.
"Doc, ya gotta help me," he moans, "I feel terrible."
The doctor says, "Well I can tell just by looking at you, you're not eating right."
Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup?
Because one more would be too f**....
My buddy says he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why did the Irishman put only 239 beans in his stew?
Because if he put one more it would be two forty.
A guy at the w**...
So a guys going down on this h**... in a w**.... He's eating and eating and all of a sudden gets some corn in his mouth. Well, he thinks thats kind of g**... but chalks it up to a fluke and keeps on eating. A few minutes later he gets some carrots in his mouth. Again he thinks thats kind of g**... and odd but again chalks it up to a fluke. Well he goes back to eating and eating and this time gets some beans in his mouth. He looks up from eating and says to the h**..., d**... lady, are you sick or something ..... she responds
No but the guy before you was
LOL
