beam Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious beam puns

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".


A tourist is lost in the deepest part of the Amazon...

Once there was a tourist lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of blood-thirsty natives. He looks up to the sky and says, "Oh my God, I'm screwed!!"

All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and there is a beam of light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of the chief."

So the tourist looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it up, and bashes the life out of the chief, who is standing right in front of him. The chief is down on the ground, bleeding and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief.

Now, the sky opens up once again, and the voice booms out... "NOW, you're screwed."


Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar

What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?


Two patients are trying to escape a mental hospital

They devise a plan to get up to the rooftop and jump from one building to another. When they get there, the first patient jumps across to the next building with ease, but his friend was scared that he wouldn't make it if he jumped. The first patient thinks for a while then comes up with an plan.

P1: "I know! I'll just shine my flashlight to you and you can use the beam to walk towards me."

The second patient thinks for a moment and replies :

"What am I, stupid? You'll just turn the light of when I get halfway across."


A little girl asks how she got her name.

Well when we were bringing you home from the hospital a rose petal landed on your face, so we named you rose. We named your brother ray because a beam of sunlight hit him on the way home from the hospital too.

From the next room the third siblings says


Mom turns and shouts shut the fuck up refrigerator!


3 Construction Workers

Alanzo, Carlos and John are three construction workers are sitting on a high up beam of their nearly finished skyscrapers. Opening his lunchbox and seeing pasta, Alanzo curses, "I swear if my wife makes me pasta again, I will throw myself off this building." Carlos opens his lunchbox to see burritos, "I'm with you, I'm tired cold burritos everyday. If I see burritos again, I will jump." John opens his lunchbox, "I got bologna and cheese sandwich again. I will jump if I get this again.

The next day, Alanzo, Carlos and John are sitting together, ready to open their lunches. Taking a deep breath, Alanzo opens his lunchbox and sees pasta.With a sigh, he stands up and throws himself off the skyscraper to his death. Carlos opens his lunch box to see a burrito. Wiping away a tear, he stands and throws himself to his death. John opens his lunchbox and finds bologna and cheese sandwich. He stands and throws himself off the beam.

At the funeral, Alanzo's wife cries, "If I knew he was tired of my pasta, I would have never made it for him and he would never had jumped." Next to her, Carlos's wife is crying, "If I knew my Carlos didn't like my burritos, I would never had made them and he would never had jumped." Both women look at John's wife, "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunch."


An Irishmen is frantically looking for a car park...

He's running late for his work meeting and is looking for a park in a busy carpark. He looks at the heavens and says
"Father, I know I've been a bad catholic, but please just grant me a bloody car park and I'll do right by You again, I'll be a better man, and more importantly I'll be a better Christian."
Suddenly, the clouds split apart and a sharp beam of sunshine cut through onto the pavement, and right in front of the man a vacant car park appeared. The man waved at the heavens and said
"Ah never mind Father, I found one."


Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.

The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.

"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.

"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"


Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...

Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."

"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"

(English, not my native language, apologies.)


Mental patients

Two mental patients escaped from the mental hospital but had to cross a river to continue there journey. One patient said to the other: I have a Flashlight as he pointed it across the river and said: you run across the beam of light! the other patient said: Do you think I am stupid...I will get half way across and you will turn the flashlight off.


Fishing on the Ohio river

There was an old hillbilly on the Kentucky side and a redneck on the Ohio side. The hillbilly wasn't catching anything while the redneck was. So the hillbilly yelled across the river and asked how the redneck was catching all those fish. The redneck yelled back and said that he needed to be on this side of the river. The hillbilly was upset and yelled back that there was no bridge. The redneck told him he would turn on his flashlight and the hillbilly could walk across the light beam. The hillbilly thought about it for a minute and said "nah, I'll get half way across and you'll turn off the light"


The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.

"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard

"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".

"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves, and they be completely smitten. Then when they are lulled into a false sense of security, Worf can unleash his suprise attack!"

"But captain, how can you be sure it'll work?"asks Riker

"It's a classic strategy number 1, Worf in sheep's clothing".


These 3 Newfies are out fishing in the Atlantic....

...singing *row row row your boat* when a flying saucer appears and the aliens decide to try an experiment. They fire a beam into the boat that instantly removes a quarter of the Newfie's brains. The Newfies continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.*

The aliens decide to intensify the beam so it removes half of the Newfies' brains. They zap them with the beam and they continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.*

The aliens are amazed that their test subjects are still fishing and singing with half their brains removed. They decide to turn it up a notch and remove the whole brains.

They fire the beam and the Newfies still continue to fish but now they start singing *frere jacques frere jacques.*


I could win an Olympic gold medal

If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid


Why did the light beam feel so blue?

Because it was chromatized


Two blondes are walking through the woods

Two blondes are walking through the woods at night, and they reach a stream. They want to know what's on the other side, so they start thinking of ways to get across the stream.

One blonde finally comes up with an idea. "I'll shine this flashlight across the stream," she says, "and you walk across the flashlight beam. Once you get to the other side, I'll turn the flashlight off and throw it to you. Then you can do the same for me."

The second blonde ponders this for a bit, then gets frustrated. "Oh, ha ha. You really think I'm stupid, don't you? You're not getting me this time."

The first blonde gets confused. "What are you talking about?"

The second blonde says, "You're going to turn the flashlight off when I get halfway across!"


A man and his wife are playing golf . . .

on an old country course. The man shanks a drive on the back nine and his ball ends up next to a barn. He gets the bright idea to open both the barn doors and hit through rather than hitting around.

He whacks the ball and it flies into the barn. It then hits a beam and ricochets back out, hitting his wife in the head and killing her instantly.

A year or so later he's playing the same course with a couple of buddies. On the same hole, he shanks his drive again and ends up right next to the barn.

They go over to look at his ball and one of his buddies suggests that he open the barn doors to hit through.

"No way, not on your life!" the guy screams.

"Why on earth not?" the buddy asks.

"I hit that exact same shot about a year ago . . .," his voice quivered and his eyes started to mist, "and, and, and, I ended up with an 8 on this hole."


A man stumbles and falls into a well....

....and grasps a spindly root that stops his fall but not before he has traversed a hundred feet. His grip loosening, he cries out in desperation, "Is there anybody up there?!"

He looks up only to see a circle of the sky. Suddenly, the clouds part and amidst them comes forth a beam of bright light and a booming voice thunders, "I, the Lord am here. Let go of the root and I shall save you."

The man hesitates before he yells, "Anyone else up there?!"


A couple of drunks walk out of a bar...

One says to the other, "I bet you a hundred bucks if I shine this flashlight up into the sky you can't climb up the beam of light." The other one says "No way, I know you. When I'm halfway up you'll shut the fucking thing off."


For all you Engineers out there;

A statically indeterminate beam walks into a bar, the bartender asks: "What do you want?" The beam replies: "Oh, just give me a moment."


The fire service is attending to a man who is trapped after falling into a vat of bourbon at the Jim Beam factory.

Although, he is said to be in good spirits.


(Engineering joke) A beam walks into a bar

The bartender asks "what do you want?"
The beam replies "give me a moment"


I was nervous about opening the results of my HIV test so I attached the paper to a boomerang and threw it through an electron beam...

The test came back negative!


Ferguson, MO

In the after hours bars where the cops in Ferguson hang out, the most popular tipple is a 'Jim Crow': that's a shot of Jim Beam, and a shot of Old Crow - served separate, but equal.


Apparently I need to listen more in church.

Turns out the preacher wasn't talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the Holy Spirit.


What did the rude prism say to the beam of light that smacked into him?

Get bent!


Ever cum so hard a coworker finds your naked lifeless corpse swinging from a support beam in the janitor's closet?

Yeah, me too man.


Beam laugh weekend gave physicians


What medieval siege weapon has a counterweight, a pivot, and a beam?

𝔱 𝔯 𝔢 𝔟 𝔲 𝔠 𝔥 𝔢 𝔱


What emits a monochromatic beam of salty snack food?

Frito Layser.


What did one beam of light say to the other just before they slammed into each other?

Dude, you can totally crash on my photon.


Clinton didn't faint due to heat exhaustion...

... she was just doing her steel beam impression.


I get to my car one day to find a steel beam sticking out of my windshield.

That's the last time I ask Joss Whedon to wash my car.


"Don't beam me up now, Scotty!...

... I'm taking a sh–"


Jack Daniels, George Dickel, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam are at a bar.

They get drunk.


What are the most funny Beam jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Beam? Well, here are the best Beam dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Beam pick up lines to share with friends.

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