Beam Jokes
44 beam jokes and hilarious beam puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beam that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Beam Short Jokes
Short beam jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beam humour may include short tube jokes also.
- My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
- Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?
- A joke for my cake day: My wife beamed at me with tear in her eye & said, "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!" I said I honestly didn't neither. This trebuchet is amazing!
- I was just notified that I have been nominated as the craziest man alive. The message was beamed directly into my skull.
- I like to call steel beams "cats." People often look at me oddly, but then I explain it to them:
"CFe lines!" - The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me. Nobody expects the span is in position.
- I could win an Olympic gold medal If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid
- After hours of working on every syllable of this masterpiece, I bring you a haiku I've titled "Truth in hindsight" The sky is blue
The grass is green
Jetfuel can't melt steel beams - What would be the American version of "Duck Quacks Don't Echo"? "Jet Fuel Don't Melt Steel Beams".
- Apparently I need to listen more in church. Turns out the preacher wasn't talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the holy spirit.
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Beam One Liners
Which beam one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beam? I can suggest the ones about bench and bullet.
- What's black and white and can cut through steel beams? A penguin with a lightsaber
- What did Bugs Bunny say after beaming aboard the Enterprise? What's up Spock?
- How do aliens harvest their crops? With tractor beams.
- How do you arrest a beam of light? You put it in a prism cell.
- How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle? A tractor beam
- Why did the light beam feel so blue? Because it was chromatized
- Roses are red, their stems are green ... Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams.
- "Pikachu, use astonish!" *Leans into opponent's ear*
"Jet fuel can't melt steel beams." - What's the secret ingredient in Bush's Baked Beams? Jetfuel.
- Climate skeptics and 9/11-truthers unite! Alternative fuel can't melt steel beams!
- Chuck Norris beat a laser beam in a race.
- What do you call gambling currency that can't melt steel beams? Bet fuel
- What medieval siege weapon has a counterweight, a pivot, and a beam? 𝔱 𝔯 𝔢 𝔟 𝔲 𝔠 𝔥 𝔢 𝔱
- What did Amelia Earhart learn? Triplane fuel can't melt sea beams.
- How do reptilians melt steel beams? thermite.
Comical Beam Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about beam you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bridge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beam pranks.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.
The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
A zoo's only gorilla dies...
so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do r**... aliens abduct people?
Tractor beam
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.
The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.
"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.
"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."
"Do you really think I'm that s**...?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...
Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."
"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"
(English, not my native language, apologies.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mental patients
Two mental patients escaped from the mental hospital but had to cross a river to continue there journey. One patient said to the other: I have a Flashlight as he pointed it across the river and said: you run across the beam of light! the other patient said: Do you think I am s**......I will get half way across and you will turn the flashlight off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old joke
Two mental patients were planning their escape from the psych ward.
1st guy: "Once we get to the roof, I'll turn on the flashlight, and you can slide down the beam of light."
2nd guy: "I may be crazy, but I'm not s**...! How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off?"
The fire service is attending to a man who is trapped after falling into a vat of bourbon at the Jim Beam factory.
Although, he is said to be in good spirits.
For all you Engineers out there;
A statically indeterminate beam walks into a bar, the bartender asks: "What do you want?" The beam replies: "Oh, just give me a moment."
Two inmates languish in a pitch dark prison cell. Ben shines a torch to a tiny window 15 feet from the floor and said: "Joe, you climb up by grasping this beam of light until you reach the window. Freedom awaits!" Joe shakes his head. Ben: "Why not?"
"When I'm halfway up, you might turn off the torch..."
What did Jesus say before He ascended to Heaven on the 40th day of Easter?
"Beam me up, Scotty."
Ferguson, MO
In the after hours bars where the cops in Ferguson hang out, the most popular tipple is a 'Jim Crow': that's a shot of Jim Beam, and a shot of Old Crow - served separate, but equal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was nervous about opening the results of my h**... test so I attached the paper to a boomerang and threw it through an electron beam...
The test came back negative!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did one beam of light say to the other just before they slammed into each other?
Dude, you can totally c**... on my photon.
If there's a Scottish man out there with a magical smile that cheers up anyone he encounters....
Then beam me up Scotty!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the rude prism say to the beam of light that smacked into him?
Get bent!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum
The first man says to the second Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.
Really?! Ok go on replies the second man.
The first man says okay well you see I'm going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of light and walk to the window on it and escape.
The second man gives the first man a dirty look and says You think I'm sooooo s**... dont you....... I know as soon as I get on the beam you're just gonna turn the light off.
Three neighboring sentient trees, an oak a maple, and an elm are cut down in the forest
They are taken to a local saw mill and turned into boards for housing. Miraculously wood from all three trees is used to build a roof on a barn. The oak is turned into a sturdy beam in the center of the roof, and despite the cutting and processing of the wood, thinks he can recognize the boards that became the maple and the elm being nailed together above him. Unsure however he asks
Haven't I seen you two by four?
The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.
"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard
"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".
"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves, and they be completely smitten. Then when they are lulled into a false sense of security, Worf can unleash his suprise attack!"
"But captain, how can you be sure it'll work?"asks Riker
"It's a classic strategy number 1, Worf in sheep's clothing".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two patients are trying to escape a mental hospital
They devise a plan to get up to the rooftop and jump from one building to another. When they get there, the first patient jumps across to the next building with ease, but his friend was scared that he wouldn't make it if he jumped. The first patient thinks for a while then comes up with an plan.
P1: "I know! I'll just shine my flashlight to you and you can use the beam to walk towards me."
The second patient thinks for a moment and replies :
"What am I, s**...? You'll just turn the light of when I get halfway across."
Jack Daniels, George Dickel, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam are at a bar.
They get drunk.
