Be Happy Jokes

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy .

So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?'Whistle while you work…….' ?

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

The other day, I met a genie who granted me one wish. So, I told him: "I just want to be happy."

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"

"It means to be happy," I replied.
"Are you gay, dad?"
"No, son. I married your mother"

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not".
The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "...this goes even higher than I thought..."

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.
She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!
I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

s**... is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"
So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"
"He slapped my left cheek."
So the father s**... his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"
*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*

Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She will love this pack of playing cards.

Jack was very fat and his wife was worried about him, so she made him see the doctor...

The doctor weighed him and said, "You must lose 30 kg. Eat only fruits and vegetables and jog 5 km a day for the next 100 days. Then give me a call and tell me how much you weigh."
Jack went home and did what the doctor told him. 100 days later, Jack called the doctor.
"Jack here. You will be happy to know that I have lost 30 kg."
"Excellent," said the doctor.
"There is just one problem," Jack said. "I am 500 km from home!"

Why is a dog better than your wife ?

Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit
Guess who'll be happy to see you

If you think your husband or wife is your best friend than think about this.

If you lock them and your dog in your trunk for 3 hours. Who do you think is going to be happy to see you when you open the trunk.

My daughter made this tonight: What's the favourite song of sloths?

Don't Hurry, Be Happy

Dogs vs Girlfriends

If you ever want to see who is more loyal, your dog or your girlfriend, just take both of them in their sleep and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for a couple of hours, park, open the trunk, and see which one will be happy to see you.

If I travelled back in time 100 years and went around calling everyone "gay"...

They'd all be happy

Don't be sad...

Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly.

Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day

Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life

Give a Redditor an upvote and he'll be happy for a day.

Suspend a man's Reddit account and he'll be happy for a lifetime.

A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."

A black boy asks his white parents

"Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".

The man's best friend

You know the phrase "the dog is the man's best friend"?
Well, I can prove it's true!
Just lock up your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and one hour later... guess who is gonna be happy to see you!!

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

Being an Indian, my white friends asked me about what Indians did during the festival of Diwali...

They got very happy and asked me to take them to India the next time. I don't know what's there to be happy about. I just told them " We blow crackers."

A jewish guy asks his father for $20

His father replied, "ten dollars? what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter.

Here's a nice Jewish joke my Dad told me

A Jewish kid asks his father for 20$. The father responds, "10$, what on earth do you need 5$ for, I'd be happy with 1$, here's a quarter."

Eleven Years ago Greece won Euro 2004

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..."

"...and then it was too late."

Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July

Surely 241 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great o**... s**...!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

Why did the man wrap his house in gift wrap?

He was told he'd be happy if he started living in the present.

s**... Is Like A Restaurant

Sometimes You Get Good Service,
Sometimes Bad Service,
Sometimes No Service,
And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy With Self-Service

The best bet ever made

One day, a man went to his boss and said, "I bet you $2,000 that I can pee in that cup over there 30m away". The boss replied, "Deal!". The man proceeded to pee all over the floor. The boss is dancing with joy, as the secretary walks in and says "F*c**...". "What?" asks the boss. "HE BET ME $400,000 THAT HE WOULD PEE ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR AND YOU'D BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!"

Dream achieved

If you are dreaming that you peed on yourself and you woke up and realize that you really peed on yourself , dont cry dont be upset be happy that you have achieved your dream.

Things were much better for me back in the day

Especially when I wasn't born yet --those days I could kick a pregnant lady all day long and everyone would be happy that I'm doing something

At the Pearly Gates

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, you are allowed one wish for anyone you left behind, back on earth. St. Peter explained this to a woman who had just recently arrived, and asked what her one wish would be.
"Well, I just wish my son would get married and be happy."
"Look lady, I said one wish. Make up your mind!"

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

Heard a Beach Boys song that sang, We could be married…And then we'd be happy…

And I was like Whoa, fellas - you can't have it both ways.

Don't try to steal anything at the Samsung store

The guardians of the galaxy won't be happy.

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

A young boy approaches his mum and asks why he is black, even though both his parents are white.

The mother replies ‚My dear, it was one h**... of an o**... back then. You should be happy that you aren't barking.'

Wife is not going to be happy

My wife said "you treat this place like a hotel"
She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

I don't know why I got fired from my job at the M&M factory.

I threw out all the Ws, they should be happy!

Walk The Line

A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. Alright, says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. Walk in a straight line. I'd be happy to, says the drunk just stop moving the s**... line.

Husband: they say that you can't be happy and sad at the same time

Wife: you have the biggest one between all your five brothers

How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?

Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

A husband and wife are sitting together at breakfast...

The husband is reading a paper and says "Look honey, according to this article, it's impossible to be happy and sad about the same thing." She thinks for a second and says "Oh yeah? Between you and all your brothers, you're "the biggest.""

I'm filling in for my friend today ...

His patients won't be happy when they learn that I never went to dental school.

A r**... makes a phone call

The man on the other end picks up. "Hello?"
The r**..., voice nervously shaking, says, "Sir, I-I'd like to ask permission to m-marry your daughter. We're in love."
The man replies, "Of course you have my permission. You're my son and I want you to be happy."

Wanna know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Put them both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see which one will be happy to see you when you open it.

Fan's of Marvel should be happy with the election results.

Looks like you'll be getting a Civil War sequel much earlier than anticipated.

3 1/2 Inches is the avg size a woman needs to be happy.

MasterCard, Visa, American Express, ect...

What's the difference between your dog and your girlfriend?

If you lock both of them in your trunk all day, only one of them will be happy to see you when you open it

I'm going to name my ankles "Swishers"

Because those joints are always getting rolled.
*I struggled a lot with the wording, I'd be happy to take suggestions on how to make it hit better*

Father O'Malley received a call from the IRS.

They asked for his assistance. He said he'd be happy to oblige.
Thank you, Father. Do you happen to know a Ted Houlihan?
I do.
Is he a member of your congregation?
He is.
Tell me, did Mr. Houlihan really donate $10,000 to the church?
He will.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Bitchfight

A man calls the police:'Help me, there are 2 women fighting over me'.
Police: 'you should be happy about that, and not calling us'.
The man: 'Yes, but the ugly one is winning'.

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke; "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse"

And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

A man is at his wife's f**...

He looks very sad. Then the priest came to him and said: " Don't worry son, 6 months from now you'll find a beautiful woman and you'll be happy again."
The man was shocked. He said: "6 months???? What am i going to do tonight?"

Valentines day is here....

But i have nothing to be happy about ... things are so bad even my fantasies wanna be just friends.

Every woman would be happy to have a new dress...

But she would be even happier to fit into an old one!

My wife said, "When I die, I want everyone at my f**... to be happy, not sad and depressed."

I said, "Don't worry. They will be."

Why is Santa white?

Because that's the only way to convince people to be happy for a guy to come down their chimney while they slept

A man asks his friend what the difference is between a mailbox and a hippo's backside.

The friend immediately replies "I don't know."
"Well then I'd be happy to help you mail your letters."

Two Sail fish...

Two sail fish was swimming along. One got attacked, lost it's sail, and swam around for days depressed. The other, seeing his friends unhappiness decided to give him his. So his friend said to him: "You're so unselfish."
I admit, it isn't that good, but if it gets a chuckle, I'll be happy.

What did the mother nut say to her son nut?

If I EVER cashew doing that again, I walnut be happy

Pavlovian pick-up line

Is that saliva in your pocket, or have you just been conditioned to be happy to see me?

When I was about 9 years old, my mom forced me to go with her to the f**... of a friend of hers that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the f**... to end. Then a man approached me and said:
"Enjoy life, boy. Be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy mine."
He patted my head and left.
Before leaving, my Mom forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled to see the man who was talking to me in the corner was the same one in the coffin.
For several years, I was not able to sleep properly because of nightmares.
Years later, I discovered that the dead man had a twin brother.....

I thought I blew my chance to be happy with the girl of my dreams, the moment I said,

"Just because I'm your brother, doesn't mean I can't give it to you rough!"

My wife was furious when i told her my supervisor offered me a raise in exchange for s**....

I thought she'd be happy I got a promotion.

Women shouldn't complain when a man doesn't put the seat down...

They should be happy that we put it up to begin with.

A great man once said, "Don't be sad it's over. Be happy it happened."

Then he killed himself.
Classic h**....

How could I ever be happy

If I was born crying?

Jared from Subway should be happy…

… He will have a life time supply of foot-longs where he's going.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

I told a genie that for my third and final wish, I wanted my family to be happy.

And i started fading.

You can tune a piano, but you can't...

be happy about being a piano tuner your whole life