battleship Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious battleship puns

A joke from my old physics professor..

How Long is a battleship. True or false?

False. How Long is a man from China.


Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie...

Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn't fight back.


A battle-ship was cruising in the middle of the ocean when...

Every siren just started going off. The captain screams "What the hell is going on?!" A man at the radar says "Sir, there are two torpedoes heading straight for us." The captain grimly asks "Is there any way to avoid them?" "No sir, I don't think we can." The captain turns to his first mate and tells him to go below deck and make all the men laugh. Bewildered the first mate says "Yes sir, but why captain?" The captain explains "If my men are going to die I at least want them to die laughing." The first mate nods his head and sprints below deck. He screams to all the men "I bet you all $20 that my tallywhacker is so powerful it can break this table. All the men laugh and then the laughter dies down and nothing has happened. So the first mate pull it out and slams it into the table as hard as he can and the instant it hit the ship exploded and sank. Only two men survive floating on wreckage, the captain and the first mate. The first mate recalls what happened and explains how perfect the timing was. The captain says "Boy you really need to be more careful with that thing." "Nah, it didn't even hurt that bad captain." "That's not what I meant," replied the captain "Those torpedoes missed."


How do you win at battleship in one turn?



The captain of a battleship sees a light in the heavy fog...

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees."
"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply. "You had better change course 20 degrees."
By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, "Send, I'm a battleship. Change course 20 degrees."
Back came the flashing light, "I'm a lighthouse."


How do you sink a French battleship?

Put it in water.


I was playing Battleship with my tumor...

I won though, my last hit was B9.


Change Your Course...

Heard this from some friends, thought I'd post this here.

On a very dark night, a Captain of a battleship saw a light headed on a collision course.

He sent a warning message: "Change your course 15 degrees East!". He receives the reply: "You change your course 15 degrees West!".

Annoyed he sends another message: "I am a Navy Captain, now change your course!". He receives another reply: "I'm a seaman 2nd class, I suggest you change your course, sir!".

Angry, the captain sends another message: "I am a battleship! I will not change course!". Again he receives another reply: "I'm a light house! Your call.".


No kidding

After graduating from the Naval Academy, my first ship I was assigned to was a battleship. The captain briefed us on our duties and then we disembarked. It was a very uneventful mission. We went. We did what we needed to do. We came back. When we got back, the captain had all of the newbies tie down the ship while he sat on the deck, drinking a beer. After a few minutes, a particularly spunky recruit walked over to him and asked him, "Why do we have to tie down the whole ship, while you're sitting here doing Jack shit?!" The captain slowly stood up, towering over the seaman. "Because that's my job." Defiantly, the sailor responded, "Oh yeah?" The captain replied, "Yeah. I shit, you knot."


Why do they put barcodes in every Swedish battleship?

So they can Scandinavian.


Why did the battleship keep swearing?

It had turrets.


What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish?

I think I'm feeling C6


A First Mate turns to his Captain and says...

"Captain! There is a light ahead and we are receiving a transmission that we should veer to the left."

The Captain grabbed the radio and said, "This is a fully armed battleship. Veer right or be destroyed."

The voice on the radio responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your move."


How do you sink a Polish battleship?

Put it in water


Which space on a Battleship grid guarantees victory?



What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common?

They're both Naval units.


Et tu, Brute?

You sunk my battleship!


Why does the US analyze its battleship blueprints in Norway?

Because it's the best place to scan-da-navy-in.


My friend asked me what I thought about worship.

I told him I prefer a battleship over a warship.


Battleship Go

I'll be ready when they come out with a Battleship Go. That way I can go about sinking ships and call my ship the S.S. Loose Lips.


What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship?

The khrushchev


What do Battleship, vending machines, explosives, and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?



Why will 3 never play battleship with four?

Because quatre cinq six


Not everyone likes to play battleship

It's very hit or miss


What's the difference between a battleship and a penis?

One is long, hard, and full of semen, and the other is a penis!


How long is a battleship. True or false?

Wong! How long is a China man.


Its all fun and games until Grandpa has a flashback during Battleship


What did Caesar say when playing battleship?

A2 Brute.


I can't play Battleship with my Dad...

...before we even start he says, I 1.


Who would win in a real life game of Battleship?

Obviously not the U.S. Navy


What battleship coordinate always hits a European player, but not an American player?



What are the most funny Battleship jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Battleship? Well, here are the best Battleship dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Battleship pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes