Battle Jokes

133 battle jokes and hilarious battle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about battle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Turn off the TV and put away your battle royale clips because it's time to break out the battle jokes. From the Battle of Hastings to the Battle of Trafalgar, the Battle of Waterloo to the Battle of Alberta, we’ve got jokes and puns to cover every battle imaginable. But that’s not all. We’ve also scoured the six realms of battle rap, and added some lighthearted jokes about warfare and mortally, too. Enjoy!

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Funniest Battle Short Jokes

Short battle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The battle humour may include short fight jokes also.

  1. In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
  2. ( This joke was made up by my eight year old son. ) Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers? They were outnumbered.
  3. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.
  4. Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle? Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*
  5. Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted... ...a night in, shining armor.
  6. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran. First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience
  7. If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other... ... Would that be a third-world war?
  8. AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle Oops, wrong sub.
  9. Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena? I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.
  10. Worry not confederate flag supporters! You may have lost the battle... But you haven't lost the w- oh right.

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Battle One Liners

Which battle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with battle? I can suggest the ones about combat and bullet.

  1. What do they call the hunger games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.
  2. Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo? They only had 2 trucks
  3. Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I. Only a few came out
  4. Which knight never won a battle? Sir Render
  5. What happens when two pastries divorce? They have a custardy battle
  6. Why do French tanks have mirrors? So they could see the battle.
  7. Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? So that they can watch the battle.
  8. Why are there windows on the back of French tanks? So they can watch the battle
  9. What did the protons yell as they rushed into battle? *CHARGE!*
  10. Clowns Divorce Joke What's the roughest part of clown divorce?
    The custardy battle.
  11. You know what they call Squid Game in France? A Battle Royale with Cheese.
  12. Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.
  13. My autistic 7 year-old battling cancer told me this joke while adopting a shelter puppy
  14. did you hear about the person who lost their legs in battle? they were de-feet-ed
  15. A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift. It was an uphill battle.

Rap Battle Jokes

Here is a list of funny rap battle jokes and even better rap battle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In and Out and Whataburger should have a rap battle Because they have real beef.
  • How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle Candy Bars
  • What do you call a rap battle? Black-on-black rhyme
  • Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps? All his comebacks take three days..
  • What is another word for a rap battle? Black-on-black rhyme
  • What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine? Alien vs predator
  • Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle? He couldn't yet spit hot fire
  • Why would keyboards fail in battle rap? They only have "space bars."
  • What do you call it when you're scheduled for a rap battle, but your opponent just isn't as good as you hoped for? A diss appointment.
  • You shoulda never challenged me to a rap battle, Kim Jong Un! I'm about to end this man's whole Korea.

Battle Rap Jokes

Here is a list of funny battle rap jokes and even better battle rap puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's different about rap battles and American schools? People usually don't cry at rap battles when there's shots fired.
  • Telephone rap battle Two rappers were exchanging insults over the phone when one got upset and the line went dead.
    Diss connected.
  • What do you call a member of a royal court who you can hire for cheap to represent you in a rap-battle? A dis-count.
  • Why did the kid in the wheelchair win the rap battle? Because of his mad DISS abilities!!
  • What is it called when two Rappers Get in a Rap Battle in Beijing? Beijing Beef
  • What's was the name of the rap battle judge? Impartial Mathers
  • How would Nicolas Cage win a rap battle? By using verbal judo
  • Rap battle with Raymond ... My next rap battle is against a guy named Raymond the whole thing will be in " diss-array".
  • What's it called when birds of prey engage in rhythmic combat? A RAP-tor battle!! (Credit to my friend who made this up)
  • Hey Grandma Hey, grandma? Can you come pick me up from my rap battle? It's over. No, I lost. He saw you drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it.
Battle joke, Hey Grandma

Battle Royale Jokes

Here is a list of funny battle royale jokes and even better battle royale puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games? Because it's last person standing wins.
  • There is going to be a battle royal between religious leaders I would put $20 on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man.
  • I worked out how long the Battle Royale trend is going to last A fortnight.
  • What do they call pubg in France? Fornite battle royale, with cheese
  • What do they call Player Unknown Battlegrounds in France? Fortnite battle royale, with cheese
  • When did God created Battle Royale games? The fourth night
  • This new fad about Battle Royale PC games... Give it 2 weeks.
  • Here's proof why Sony won't make a "PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale 2" It's a "Cross Platform Fighter".
  • There's a new battle royale game soon When is Black Friday again?
  • I decided i would continuously play Battle Royale games for a full on week. But i got bored by the fourth night.

Battle Bulge Jokes

Here is a list of funny battle bulge jokes and even better battle bulge puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do Caitlyn Jenner and WWII have in common? The Battle of the Bulge.
  • Which World War II battle is favorite amongst women? Battle of the bulge
  • Who won the Battle of the Bulge? The guy with the bulge in his sock ...
  • What do you call a veteran's uncomfortable e**...? Battle of the bulge
  • What do you call a WW2 soldier trying to conceal an e**...? Battle of the Bulge
Battle joke, What do you call a WW2 soldier trying to conceal an e**...?

Ridiculous Battle Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about battle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean raid jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make battle pranks.

Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie...

Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn't fight back.

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen feinted.

Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

Rap Battle

Hey, can you pick me up from my rap battle?, It's over.
Sure, did you win?, I lost
What went wrong?
Well grandma, they saw you drop me off and did a pretty devastating rhyme about it.

I go to the Jim every morning

Are you thin? Are you overweight? Are you fighting the battle of the bulge? Do you have a sedentary lifestyle? Are you plain lazy? Do you have someone or the other always telling you to go to the gym?
Here's something for you...
"Instead of calling my bathroom the John, I call it the Jim.
That way it sounds a lot better when I tell people I go to the Jim first thing every morning :-)"

Next Battlefield map set in Nepal.

It's made using groundbreaking technology.

A cowboy walks into a saloon…

and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.
The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, Hey, them's fightin' words!

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"
Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.
Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death

"Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"

"Our battle plans look wonderful on the map" said the General...

"It's a pity the enemy doesn't follow them."

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.
"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"
The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"
"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout b**... BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"

Did you know that the number of legs in the air of a horse statue indicate how its rider died?

If there are no legs in the air, the rider survived the war.
If there is one leg in the air, the rider was mortally wounded and died after a battle.
If there are two legs in the air, the rider was killed in battle.
If there are three legs in the air, the rider died in a tragic circus accident.
If there are four legs in the air, the rider was abducted by aliens and died in space.

Why don't people with foot fetishes mind being on the losing side of a battle?

They like the taste of defeat

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

How does an octopus go into battle?

^^Not ^^sorry

People often misuse the word "chivalry."

I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat
Turns out I'm the better jouster.
Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet

In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions

What happened on June 6, 1944?
We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!
What was the turning point of world war 2?
Battle of the bulge, sir!
What's is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought I don't know, sir!
The superior then said Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.

Why did the rebels lose at the hoth battle?

The terrain was inhothpitable.

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".
The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"
She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"

Ig the Knight

Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."

To everyone participating in the yodeling battle...

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue

Dear confederate flag supporters, you may lose the battle but

You haven't lost the wa-Oh that's awkward

If a r**... dies in battle....

Does he go to y'allhalla?

What's another name for the Battle Bus

v**... Airlines

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the t**... War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.
From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang
This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.
A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?
Well come on over, i'll sell you some!

Why can't the Infiniti car company trademark ∞ ?

Because the legal battle would be endless.

To all the people who are upset at the fact that confederate statues are coming down, don't worry.

You may have lost the battle, but you have won the....never mind.

I just read a story about songs in history and the pitches in which they were sung.

For example, a march to battle was sung around middle D. Gregorian chants were sung from low D to middle G.
It seems that most, if not all, pirate shanties were sung on the high C's.

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.
Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.
"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"
"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."

A knight's brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!
Hunter: You have my bow!
Warrior: And my axe!
Mage: And my staff!
Necromancer: And your dead brother!

Apparently there's a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave.

It's The Cologne Wars.

Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them

only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.

A s**... goes up to his captain

He says Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon.
The captain says Bring me my red shirt.
After the battle, the s**... is taking to the captain.
Captain, why did you tell me to bring you your red shirt?
If I was shot, the crew wouldn't notice and continue fighting.
Then someone shouted 20 enemy ships on the horizon!
The captain tells the s**..., Bring me my brown pants.

Why do French tanks come equipped with rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

The Baker

I know a guy who's a baker in the army. He goes into battle all buns glazing.
Sorry sorry. Bad one.

Why did the African band win the battle of the bands?

They were Moroccan

h**... used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."
How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?
"Do you know what day I'm going to die?"
Of course.
"Well, what day am I going to die?"
Sir, you are going to die on a Jewish holiday.
"Mein gott! That's terrible. What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
Any day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday.

Here goes

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

A knight was about to ride off into battle.

Afraid that his wife would be unfaithful, he fitted her with a chastity belt. He gave the key to his best friend, telling him that he was the only person he could trust.
The knight rode off, and an hour later he heard the sound of galloping hoofbeats behind him. His friend rode up next to him.
"I'm glad I caught you," said the friend. "You gave me the wrong key."

Doc Brown and Marty McFly travel back in time to Northern England in 1298

They park behind the bushes near a field, just in time to see two armies about to clash.
"This is the Battle of Falkirk, Marty." says Doc, handing him a pair of binoculars.
Marty watches a man leading the charge into battle and asks, "Who's that guy in the face paint?"
With a tear in his eye, Doc replies "A Great Scot."

No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he explains. The man agrees to it, and he's led into the bar, whereupon sits a healthy sized hen. He proceeds to have a battle of wits, and is roundly defeated by the hen. "I didn't expect the chicken to be so smart!" says the man. "No," says the innkeeper, "no one expects the Spanish inn quiz wish hen!"

I saw a Battle Droid push a foul-mouthed clone trooper off a cliff....

...he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

I'm in an army of even numbers

It's a battle against the odds

Why was the baker so miserable?

He lost the custardy battle.

What are battle rappers known for?

Their diss abilities.

My wife and I compared each other's belly b**... to see which one is better.

It was a battle of navel supremacy.

Over the weekend we took a daddy daughter trip to San Antonio.

While there we visited the Alamo. As we were leaving she turns to me and says I'm so glad we came…. I almost forgot all about it!
It took me a second to get it. The battle cry of those Texas boys was remember the Alamo .
I couldn't be prouder!

Battle joke, Over the weekend we took a daddy daughter trip to San Antonio.

jokes about battle