Bats Jokes
74 bats jokes and hilarious bats puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bats that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bats Short Jokes
Short bats jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bats humour may include short vampire bat jokes also.
- Wife: "Who's the new Batman?" | Me: "Robert Pattinson" Wife: "So vampire do turn into bats."
(I have no idea if she heard this elsewhere, but I def laughed at breakfast.) - I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
- One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..." It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.
- A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.
- So tim tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
- Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat
- TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a... Baby shower.
- If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia... why am I still afraid of failure?
- Did you know that bats aren't actually blind? That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs
- What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge? I don't know, but at least it isn't a repost
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Bats One Liners
Which bats one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bats? I can suggest the ones about baseball bat and acrobat.
- Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave? He had to go to the Bat Room.
[an old classic] - All countries eventually got Coronavirus... But China got it right off the bat
- How long did it take for the first guy to get covid? He got it right off the bat
- which country was the first to get coronavirus? China, they got it right off the bat.
- Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats.
- How do you know Robin’s really a Jewish girl? She had a bat-mitzvah.
- What did the boy bat send to the girl bat? sapnu puas
- For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly? From right off the bat.
- China has the best baseball team. They took out the whole world with one bat.
- What's brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.
- How does batman schedule a task on his computer? With a .bat script
- What does Dracula's torch run on? *Bat-teries* now give me my five karma
- What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah? Happy birthday two Jews
- I didn't think my pet bat would ever learn echolocation... But it eventually clicked.
- Joker: "Someone said you sound like an owl more than a bat" Bat: "WHO?"
Gather Around for Fun Bats Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about bats you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bat cave jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bats pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bats' Competition
Three Bats were talking about who was the best at s**... blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.
The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."
Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."
Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."
Two bats are sitting in a cave...
...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.
About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".
"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."
"Yeah?", says his buddy.
He replies, "Well.....I didn't".
My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat
So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hungry bats
Heard from my father- So there is this family of bats who are out of luck. Not a single prey in a week. Everybody is hungry and desperate for food and then one of the younger bats (lets call him Gary) shows up with his mouth dripping blood. Everyone is envious about Gary's catch and ask him where he made the kill. Gary denies getting any food. Everyone calls b**.... After a lot of persuation, he gives up and asks everybody to follow him. He flies to one of the trees in the woods and says "Do you see that tree?"
"YES!!" roar the crowd in anticipation.. Gary turns around and says "Well, I didn't."
What do vampire fruit bats eat?
Blood oranges.
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
Three bats are having a contest...
...to see which one can get the most blood. So the first one goes and half an hour later comes with a bit of blood on his cheeks. The other two bats ask him:
"where did you get that?"
"see the couple over there, kissing on the bench? that's where i got it."
So the second bat goes out. Like the first bat he comes back half an hour later, but his whole face is covered in blood. When they ask him, he replies:
"I found a party and all the people were so drunk, they didn't even notice."
And finaly the third bat goes outnto find some blood. But he comes back two minutes later completely covered in blood from head to toe. The other two ask him
"Wow! How did you do that?"
"You see that pole over there?"
"yes."
"Well, I didn't!"
Three apprentice vampire bats
Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied.
Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout.
Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied.
Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood.
Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'
A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch...
BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird)
BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.
How do we know bats understand cause and effect?
They see the world as a series of repercussions.
Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...
... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."
You see that wall?
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
Eyelash surgery
Mess up an eyelash surgery and no one bats an eye.
Mess up a brain surgery and everybody loses their minds
What do bats use to hit baseball?
Baseball human
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bats...
were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.
Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between the Polish and polish?
No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you
What do vampire bats like to eat the most?
Ginger ale and Chinese food
Apple products
Remove the USB port and nobody bats an eye. Remove the headphone jack and everybody loses their minds!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye
h**... uses chemicals to remove polish, and everyone loses their mind
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is it fair that if my girlfriend has s**... with her brother nobody bats an eye, but if I have s**... with her...
I get arrested for b**...?
What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?
Incontinence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What are old bats afraid of?
Urinary incontinence.
Why do bats fly straight at night?
Because they are not-turnal.
Eye surgeons sure are lucky.
When they mess up an eye surgery no one bats an eye.
Fear of the Dark
The recently concluded Father's Day made me recall that one time when I was a kid having trouble getting to sleep because I was afraid of the dark. My father said to me, "Son, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there when the lights are on - except for the occasional swarm of bats. So, g'night."
Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you see that large tree over there?" He said.
"Yes, yes!" the bats said, excitedly.
"Good for you, I didn't."
Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye
Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds
Why do bats fly at night?
Because they can only see black.
What do you call a group of bats?
A baseball team!
Courtesy of my girlfriend.
TIL bats aren't actually blind.
No wonder they're so good at hitting baseballs.
What do you call a person who deals with bats ?
Not Batman.
I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.
My dad always took a good swing at me.
How do you avoid bats flying into your face?
Don't go to baseball games.
Vampire Joke
A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me. He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. Do you see that tree over there? YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Well I didn t!
When can bats power things?
Only when they are a bat-array
What do bats and Australians have in common?
They both hang out upside down.
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.
One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Wanna get some blood!
One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want to go, fine I'll go by myself'
About 30 minutes later the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body.
The second bat says' hey where did you get all that blood?' and the first bat says 'see that tree over there?'
'Yeah' says the second bat...
'Well I didn't', said the first bat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.
You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.
You tell them you have no s**... life and ... nobody bats an eye.
Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave
The first bat asks the second, Do you remember the worst day of your life?
I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.
What kind of bats swing upside down?
Acro-bats!
(From my 6 year old)
Why do bats pee standing up?
Because they are nocturinal
Don and his friend Eva we're exploring caves in the town of Level for our palindrome school project
Eva said there were many things they could not do in caves. Don asked her a question using his knowledge from palindrome school. Don said, Eva can I stab bats in a cave . She said no don . Don then said, Eva can I pose as aesop in a cave . She again said, no don .
Which is the most expensive dish in the world?
Bats, they can cost entire world's economy!
What do you call a forum for bats?
An echo chamber
(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?
They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..
Why are bats the best drunks?
Because they are use to being hung over
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....
discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.
The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty b**.... "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all the blood there". The third bat now goes a way and gets back after just a minute looking bloodier than bought of the other bats. "So where did you go"
"You see that lamp over there?"
"Yes"
"Well i didn't see it"
Two bats are going for their midnight feed
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."
The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.
(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of bats is a colony, crows is a m**..., sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?
A Freedom Caucus.
You pee in the shower - nobody bats their eye.
But if you shower in the pee, everyone loses their mind.
2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says - I'm really thirsty for some blood
So he goes off into the darkness.
After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in the middle of the night?!"
Then the first bat says "do you see that lantern pole there?"
"Yes" responds the second bat
"Well I didn't" says the first bat.
I hadn't seen it posted here yet so I gave it a try.
