Bats Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..."

It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."

Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye...

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit.

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

Did you know that bats aren't actually blind?

That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs

Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."

"Yeah?", says his buddy.

He replies, "Well.....I didn't".

Women vs Hitler

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone flips their shit.

2 bats are hanging upside down in a tree when one suddenly flys off.

5 minutes later the bat comes back with blood all over his face and dripping out of his mouth.

The other bat with a burning hunger looked at him and asked, How the hell did you get that this early in the morning??

The other bat says, Do you see that big tree over there to the left?

Yes! Replies the other bat excitedly.

Well I didn't

Two bats...

were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".

He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.

Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".

The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".

"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.

"Then you see a tree"

"Yeah"

"Well, I didn't".

Joker: "Hey Bats, Wanna hear a joke?"

Batman: "Sure"


Joker: "Parental Love"

Batman: "I don't get it"

Joker: "Exactly."

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

Three apprentice vampire bats

Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied.

Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout.
Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied.

Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood.
Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

You see that wall?

A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,

'You see that wall?'

And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'

He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'

They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'

'Well I didn't!'

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

Hungry bats

Heard from my father- So there is this family of bats who are out of luck. Not a single prey in a week. Everybody is hungry and desperate for food and then one of the younger bats (lets call him Gary) shows up with his mouth dripping blood. Everyone is envious about Gary's catch and ask him where he made the kill. Gary denies getting any food. Everyone calls bullshit. After a lot of persuation, he gives up and asks everybody to follow him. He flies to one of the trees in the woods and says "Do you see that tree?"
"YES!!" roar the crowd in anticipation.. Gary turns around and says "Well, I didn't."

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.

The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."

Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."

Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."

Three vampire bats had a blood drinking competition

The first bat flew away and came back with blood on its teeth saying "You see that man over there? I drank his blood"
Then the second bat flew away and came back with blood all around his mouth saying "You see that family over there? I drank blood from all of them"
Then it was the third bat's turn. He flew away and came back with his whole face covered in blood. The other bats gasped in amazement and asked "how many people did you drain?"
The bat answered: "You see that wall over there? Well, I fucking didn't"

You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.

THE BAT BET

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want to go, fine I'll go by myself'


About 30 minutes later the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body.
The second bat says' hey where did you get all that blood?' and the first bat says 'see that tree over there?'
'Yeah' says the second bat...
'Well I didn't', said the first bat.

Two bats are hanging in their cave.

One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

Superman and Batman meet up on the rooftops,

and Batman notices Superman looks a little banged up. "What happened to you Superman?", asks Batman. Superman says, "You won't believe this shit Bats. I'm flying along right, and I see Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the roof of this building spread eagle!" "Wow," says Batman with a grin. "So," Superman goes on, "I figure I can swoop down, get in a few pumps at super speed, and be gone before she can do anything." "Damn," says Batman, "she must have gotten pissed. You look like hell." "She wasn't that angry," says Superman, "and if you think I look bad, I can only imagine what the Invisible Man's asshole looks like."

Two ladies,

A Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"
The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."

Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave

The first bat asks the second, Do you remember the worst day of your life?



I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.

Three bats are sitting in a tree...

... just hanging upside down on a branch. Suddently, the first one flips around, standing straight (with his head upwards).

"The fuck's wrong with this guy?", asks the second bat.

"Eh, the asshole passed out again.", says the third.

Why don't bats sleep outside?

You ever deal with a sunburned asshole?

Vampire Joke

A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me. He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. Do you see that tree over there? YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Well I didn t!

Take everyone's eye lids and noone bats an eye.

Take everyone's brains and everybody loses their minds.

How do we know bats understand cause and effect?

They see the world as a series of repercussions.

Fear of the Dark

The recently concluded Father's Day made me recall that one time when I was a kid having trouble getting to sleep because I was afraid of the dark. My father said to me, "Son, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there when the lights are on - except for the occasional swarm of bats. So, g'night."

So three priests are having lunch...

and the first priests complains about having bats in his bell tower. "They just moved in and I can't seem to be able to get them to leave."

The second priest chirps up with the same problem. "I've had them for 2 years now and nothing I do makes any difference."

Finaly the third priests speaks up after a big bite of his lunch. "Ya, I use to have that problem too."

"How did you get rid of them?"

"I baptized them; now the only come around for Christmas and Easter."

Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you see that large tree over there?" He said.
"Yes, yes!" the bats said, excitedly.
"Good for you, I didn't."

Vampire Bats

A group of bats were sitting in a cave, completely fatigued as they haven't been able to find any blood this week. One of the bats grows sick of having to survive on fruit and nuts, so he leaves the group and ventures into the city to find some blood.

About an hour later, he returns, his face absolutely covered in blood. The rest of the group gather around him excitedly: "How did you find so much blood?" They ask.

He replies "Well, you see that village over there?"

"Yeah, we see it!"

"And you see that church on the hill nearby?"

"Yeah, yeah?" They reply, excitedly.

"And you see the huge steeple it has?"

"Yes, we see it!", they answer impatiently.

"I didn't."

Eyelash surgery

Mess up an eyelash surgery and no one bats an eye.

Mess up a brain surgery and everybody loses their minds

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

How do you avoid bats flying into your face?

Don't go to baseball games.

Vampire bats fly out of their cave and into the night looking for blood.

As the sun begins to rise the following morning, all of them return without consuming a single drop of blood, no one could find any food that night.

All except one, Gerald, who flies back in with blood pouring down his fangs.

"I searched all night for some blood, didn't even get a sniff of the stuff", one bat says to Gerald. "How on earth did you find some?"

"You see that rock in front of the cave entrance?", said Gerald.

"Yeah", said the other bat.

To which Gerald replies, "Well, I didn't."

Apple slows their old phones and everyone loses their mind

God has been doing this to old people for centuries and no one bats an eye...

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

What's the difference between the Polish and polish?

No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you

A Vampire bat comes back to his cave one night,

covered in fresh blood, and parks himself upside down on the roof of the cave, to get a little shuteye.

However, the other bats in the cave soon begin to smell the blood, and start to pester the hell out of him as to its source.

After about a half hour, he *finally* relents. "Follow me, guys, and I'll show you."

Twenty or thirty bats all leave the cave, and follow the bloodied one for a couple of miles, over valleys, sheer drops and forests.

Finally, the leading one turns to the others. "Right - Here we are. You see that tree over there?" he says, pointing to a large Maple in the middle of the forest.

The other bats nod.

"GOOD!" says the first one. "Because **I DIDN'T!!!**"

3 Bats Walk Into A Bar...

One tells the bartender "I'll have a pint of blood". The next bat says "I'll have a pint of blood as well." The last bat says "I'll have a pint of plasma."

So the bartender says, "alright let me get this straight, you guys want two bloods and a blood lite?"

Girls use chemicals to remove polish, and no one bats an eye.

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and he's a bad person!?

My 9 year old nephew told me he wished he could be like Batman.

So I killed my brother & his wife & tossed my my nephew into a pit filled with bats.

A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch...

BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird)

BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.

Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye

Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds

Three bats are having a contest...

...to see which one can get the most blood. So the first one goes and half an hour later comes with a bit of blood on his cheeks. The other two bats ask him:
"where did you get that?"
"see the couple over there, kissing on the bench? that's where i got it."
So the second bat goes out. Like the first bat he comes back half an hour later, but his whole face is covered in blood. When they ask him, he replies:
"I found a party and all the people were so drunk, they didn't even notice."
And finaly the third bat goes outnto find some blood. But he comes back two minutes later completely covered in blood from head to toe. The other two ask him
"Wow! How did you do that?"
"You see that pole over there?"
"yes."
"Well, I didn't!"

Four bats flying in a row

Four bats flying in a row get hit by a squall and go tumbling towards an elephant.

First bat lands on the elephants leg and says Thank god there's a tree here, I managed to grab the trunk.

Second bat lands against the elephants ear and exclaims You're right! I'm up in the fronds!

Third bat grabs onto the trunk before muffling a shriek, whispering Shit guys, there's a big snake just hanging off this damn tree.

Last bat just misses the elephant and keeps flying, yelling back You blind assholes, there's nothing there at all!

Two bats are hanging on the branch...

-What was your worst day?

-When I had diarrhea.

What's the worst thing for bats as they age?

Incontinence.

What do vampire fruit bats eat?

Blood oranges.

When a woman removes Polish NSFW

When a woman removes Polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit

What are the funniest bats jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Bats? Well, here are the best Bats puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Bats pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes