Bathtub Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?

Throw your laundry in with them.

What do you do when an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw your dirty laundry in there with some detergent.

A question for your doctor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?

A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together..

The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"

The difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bathtub?

one has hope in her soul.

Can I touch it?

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

During a visit to the mental hospital....

..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

what's the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?

The girl in church has hope in her soul whilst the girl in the bathtub has...

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"

what do you do with someone that is having a seizure in a bathtub?

Throw in a load of laundry.

A journalist visits a mental hospital

A journalist visits a mental hospital for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.

DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.

JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.

DOCTOR: No, you're silly! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this in Ward 7!!!

A man goes to an asylum and asks

How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?

Thats how they do it..

A man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.

He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.

The doctor says, 'well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.'

The man says, 'oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it's the biggest?!'

The doctor replies, 'no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!'


EDIT- This was my favorite joke from my Gramps.. He just passed away at 89 years young! #AmericanWarHero

Three Rats wanted to Spend the Night in the Bathroom...

...they were discussing where they were going to sleep. The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected." The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."

The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept. The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested. The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head. The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night. I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining! Then it got dark and started thundering, if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"


(Kind of juvenile, I know, my grandmother told me this when I was about 8. Funniest thing I'd ever heard and never forgot it. Just wanted to share.)

How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub?

100\. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is.

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

Milk Bath

A blonde hears that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she leaves a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman reads the note, he figures there must be a mistake; she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocks on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde comes to the door and the milkman says, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde says, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman says, "Okay. Do you want it pasteurized?"

And blonde says "No, just up to my tits."

A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...

...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"

The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."

"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"

She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.

When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"

"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."

First dirty joke my dad told me, it's about 30 years old and I still tell it.

What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub?

The lady in church has hope in her soul.

The seven dwarves are sitting in the bathtub, feeling happy...

...so, Happy gets out.

What do you do with an epileptic child having a seizure in your bathtub?

Add your dirty clothes and soap.

The Blind Man

A nun is in her bathtub. She hears a knock on the door and asks "who is it?" and a voice answers "it's the blind man." The nun, figuring the man wouldn't be able to see her anyway, doesn't cover her body and tells the man to come in. When the man walks in, he looks at the nun and says "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

Milkman (nsfw-ish)

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."


The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Two kangaroos are in the bathtub. cuz why not

One kangaroo says, "Pass the soap."
The other kangaroo says, "No soap...radio!"

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor

How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?

Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....

Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39

What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit

A little boy and girl are playing together in a bathtub...

The girl asks: "Can I touch your wiener?"

The boy replies: "NO WAY, you've already ripped yours off!"

What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?

Laundry.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, one to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

What do my toaster and I have in common?

We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.

Asylum

A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.

"No, the sane people would use the plug..."

We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...

While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?

The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.

No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

The toilet bowl tells the bathtub...

"I've seen more ass than you ever had".
The Bathtub replied "Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody".

Brains

A 3-year old boy is looking at his testicles in the bathtub and asks his mom, are these my brains? To which his mother reply's not yet sweetie

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

A man asks the doctor

"Can I take a bath with diarrhea?"
Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?"

Milkman

A married lady got bored with her husband so she started having an affair with the milkman.

One afternoon the milkman drops by and they're gonna start doin it.

The lady is super excited, gets naked, hops in the bathtub and says, "just fill it up!!!"

The milkman says "do you want the milk pasteurized?"

The lady says "no that's okay I just want it up to my boobs."

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts in the tub. The salt made the bath water into a stronger conductor of electricity, so when she got in, she was electrocuted and died.

When the authorities found her body, they deduced that the cause of death was a salt and battery.

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home...

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.

A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives found him face down in the bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer...

Many years ago, a middle-aged couple took in a young woman boarder.

When she asked to take a bath, the woman of the house told her, "We don't have a bathtub but you're welcome to use the washtub in front of the fire. Monday nights would be best; my husband bowls every Monday."
The following Monday, when the husband had left for his bowling league, the housewife filled the washtub and watched as the young girl undressed.
She noticed with surprise that the girl had no pubic hair. When she told her husband later that night he didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, before you go off to bowling, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains and you can sneak back in to see for yourself."
This week, as the girl undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave yourself down there?"
"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hair there. Do you have hair there?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed it to her.
After the husband came home from bowling, the wife asked him, "So? Did you see it?"
"Yes, and you were right," he said. "But why did you show her yours?"
"Why not?" she replied, "It's nothing you haven't seen before."
He replied, "True, but it was sure a surprise to my bowling team!"

Did you hear Jeffrey Dahmer had dandruff?

They found some head and shoulders in his bathtub

Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub.

One of the bears says:

"Can you pass the soap?"

The other bear says:

"No soap, radio."

A man to a psychiatrist:

How do you select who should be admitted to your facility? The psychiatrist replies: We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub. The man smiles: Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket. The Psychiatrist replies: No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?

What's the difference between...

Requires the receivers input so I will just tell the full joke. It's given me quite a bit of laughs and sighs so I thought I would share it!

What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a bathtub full of glue?

"I dont know!"

Well you can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

"What about the bathtub of glue?"

I thought you might get stuck on that one!

What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in the bathtub?

Toss in your laundry!

Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ''privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".

Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

What do you call James Bond in a bathtub?

Bubble-O-7

(I'll see myself out.)

My next door neighbor was found murdered.

He was discovered face down in his bathtub that had been filled with milk. A spoon had been stuck in his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub...

then Bubbles got up and left.

The Beauty Treatment

A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my neck. I can splash it on my eyes.

What's the pinnacle of confusion?

Two blind gay men, in a bathtub full of hotdogs.

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"

Three gay men are in a bathtub together and a condom floats to the top. Two of them ask...

"Okay, who farted?"

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

I've been getting into Bath Salts recently...

Nothing major it's just that if I'm gonna smoke crack in the bathtub I want that bath to be exfoliating.

A milkman stops by a house,

and a pretty blonde opens the door in a bathrobe.

She asks the milkman to follow her to the bathtub. She tales off her robe, and asks the milkman to fill the tub with milk.

The milkman says, "Do you want that milk pasteurized?"

And the blonde replies, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes."

Credit to South Park

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, and the second to fill the bathtub with bright purple machine tools, and one more to purchase a squirrel from the apple vendor.

I was trying to impress this girl

I was of course, trying to sleep with this girl.
So in order to impress her, I filled up my bathtub with fermented apples and alcohol.
I was trying to get...in-cider.

The milkman

A milkman is on his normal route. One of his regular customers, a gorgeous woman, opens the door in nothing but a sheer nightie. she motions for him to come inside. Which he happily does. She leads him into the bathroom where she disrobes and gets into the bathtub. She tells him she has always had a fantasy about bathing in milk.
"Do you want that milk to be pasteurized?" He asks
"No" she replies, "just up to my tits is fine"

What are the funniest bathtub jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Bathtub? Well, here are the best Bathtub puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Bathtub pick up lines to share with friends.

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