Bathroom Jokes

Following is our collection of lavatory puns and bathtub one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Bathroom jokes for adults, dirty bath jokes and clean kitchen dad gags for kids.

The Best Bathroom Puns

What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?

European.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."

So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...

Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"


Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...

I was in the women's bathroom.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, HaΒ­Β­! That's not going to help!

Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are dead.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo....

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.


Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal

Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom


A: Arrest-room

When I get naked in the bathroom..

The shower usually gets turned on.

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

I was offered sex from a 21 year old girl today

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his murder plan had failed.


A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."Β "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

My Bathroom

I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.

It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?

Because they literally can't even.

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

Where do Bees use the bathroom?

At the BP station. (thanks grandma)

Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door

His girlfriend is dead against it.

Does God use our bathroom

A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"


The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"


The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

How to get lots of women to ask you out!

Go in the women's bathroom

The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class

"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"

Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."

Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."

Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."

The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.

"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale.

Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window.

He's just trying to catch a pikachu.

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?

European

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

Β£20 for a hand job


Β£50 for a blow job


Β£80 for sex


And for Β£120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...

My wife told be that would be infant tile.

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'.

I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning

Women are so ungrateful these days.

I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.

From my 8yo daughter. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

From my 8 year old son

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Answer: Cause the Pee is silent

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.ο»Ώ

LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh

Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

A husband was in big trouble...

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom?

Nothing, the pee is silent

A joke my 8 year old brother told me. G rating

Why dont you take a pokemon to the bathroom.





Because it might pi-ka-chu

For my cake day, a joke...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

I'm going to buy 100 mounted fish and fill a room with them.

When someone comes over and asks where the bathroom is, I'll send them to that room instead. As soon as they come back disappointed, I'll say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said my bassroom!"

A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary

That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom naked and starts playing with her nipples.

"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"

"I wanna to suck them dry," he says.

She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"

"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.

She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"

"I think I did a pretty good job at both."

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier

So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard

I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."

Fat guy.

A man is weighing himself in the bathroom sucking in his stomach when his wife comes in and says, "That's not going to help."
The guy say, "Well it is, it's the only way I can see the numbers."

Where is a tech support's bathroom located?

At their I Pee address!

An old man goes back to bed ...

And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"

Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour...

but it's a solid #2.

My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror

But I really can't see myself doing that.

What dinosaur can't you hear go to the bathroom?

All of them, they're all dead.

The McDonalds

When I was 8 I brought in my tomogatchi (**ignore spelling**) to a McDonald's. my family sat down to eat and I saw this girl with a tomogatchi too. She stares at me then goes into the bathroom. I wait a minute then follow her in. She was waiting for me. We linked our games and had tomogatchi babies together.

Still to this day, the most sexual thing I have ever done.

There's a hole in the women's bathroom wall at the police station

The detectives are looking into it

What nationality are you when you walk into the bathroom?

Russian.

What nationality are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

What nationality are you when you walk out of the bathroom?

Finish.

There is an abundance of womens bathroom jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 66 funniest jokes and bathroom puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bathroom call witze you can hear about bathroom.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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