Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Bathroom Jokes
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
For my cake day, a joke...
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...
My wife told be that would be infant tile.
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
Where do Bees use the bathroom?
At the BP station. (thanks grandma)
My Bathroom
I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
How to get lots of women to ask you out!
Go in the women's bathroom
LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself n**... and accidentally get arrested and registered as a s**... offender.
Spread the word.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because they are dead.
You can explore bathroom lavatory reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bathroom bath dad jokes. There are also bathroom puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door
His girlfriend is dead against it.
Today I was offered s**... by an 18 year old female...
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the s**... I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
When I get n**... in the bathroom..
The shower usually gets turned on.
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game
Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?
Because they literally can't even.
Does God use our bathroom
A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"
My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...
...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...
I was in the women's bathroom.
The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
I was offered s**... from a 21 year old girl today
In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.
The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal
Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
A: Arrest-room
How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?
A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
Women are so ungrateful these days.
I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...
Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.
So I got her a bathroom scale.
Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window.
He's just trying to catch a pikachu.
I went to a brothel and met a p**...
I asked her what are the prices?
She said:
£20 for a h**...
£50 for a b**...
£80 for s**...
And for £120, i'll do anything!
Anything hmmm....
She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.
You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!
Two scientists walk into a restaurant
The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his m**... plan had failed.
I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom
Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?
Because number two shocked him.
If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
European
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, s**... in my stomach, she laughed, Ha! That's not going to help!
Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.
My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?
Because he was dribbling. 😊
From my 8yo daughter. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the 'p' is silent.
Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'.
I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning
From my 8 year old son
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Answer: Cause the Pee is silent
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today.
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...
but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50
Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Went to the bathroom earlier and took a p**.......
not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, s**... in his stomach
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..
Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there
Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
A software tester walks into a bar
Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.
First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.
An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage
He went to a l**... shop to get a s**... l**... for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.
Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go n**... and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom n**....
Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom
Teacher: sing the ABC's, then I'll let you go
Kindergartner: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Teacher: Where's the P?
Kindergartner: It's running down my pants!
Captan Kirk & Today's Shuttle Launch
If William Shatner really wanted to go where no man had gone before , He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
This is a bit wordy…
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles, and now I'm experiencing some unexpected vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
When does q come before p?
When there's a line to the bathroom
Asked my wife why she bought fake c**... for the bathroom.
My wife: do you mean the sham p**...?
My wife left me because she said I'm insecure.
No, no. Wait. Here she comes. She just went to the bathroom.
If a wealthy ancient Roman had a private bathroom on the sixth floor of his home...
...did that make it a VI P room?
Why do girls only ever go to the bathroom together in groups of 3, 5, or 7?
Because they just can't even.
A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.
The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.
The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.
The teacher walks out without washing his hands. "I was taught not to p**... on my hands.", he says.
A software tester walks into a bar
Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.
What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]
She Peter Pans
A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of w**....
"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"b**...."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis and flush it down the c**.... He checks my pocket and asks,
"So where's the bag of w**...?"
"What bag of w**...?"
I'm going as c**... for Halloween.
That way someone will do me in the bathroom.
Why shouldn't you let your pokemon into the bathroom while you shower?
So they don't Pikachu.
Why can't a pterodactyl use the bathroom?
Because they're dead, idiot!
i keep walking in on my Pterodactyl in the bathroom.
Because his P is silent.
One day in class, little Johnny asked to go to the bathroom.
The teacher said, First recite your ABCs.
So Johnny said, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The teacher asked, Where's your P?
And Johnny replied, Halfway down my pants.
I'm not that s**... but whenever I get n**... in the bathroom..
I turn the shower on.
While in the bathroom getting ready for work I called out to my wife.
Honey, when I shave in the morning I feel 20 years younger.
Without missing a beat, she said Maybe you should shave before we go to bed.
What does an Australian clean himself with after using the bathroom?
A b'day.
A young boy went to church with his mother
Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"
After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"
The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. As the service ended, the boy looked up at his father and said "Daddy, I have to whisper!"
And the father said "Well, OK- just whisper in my ear."
