The Best 55 Bastards Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bastards jokes. There are some bastards motherfuckers jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bastards one eyed bastard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bastards Jokes and Puns

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

I can't believe people make jokes about cancer patients with no fathers

Sick bastards

Bastards joke, I can't believe people make jokes about cancer patients with no fathers

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

She answered the stapler.

How did she pierce her other ear?

Those bastards called back.

(feel free to imagine a dulled "Huwwuh? *ka-thunk* UUUNNGHH!" right after the first punchline)

A Scot finished making love with a woman, and heads to the bathroom.

She sees him remove and wash off his condom. She says, "You Scots certainly are cheap bastards!"

The guy responds, "Hey, I have to clean it. It belongs to the club!"

How did the black guy get his pilot's license?

He went to flight school, you racist bastards.

Men are greedy bastards.

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember - fairies are female.

Bastards joke, Men are greedy bastards.

General Custer to a Geordie soldier: "The Apaches are playing war drums!" Geordie soldier: "So they're thieving bastards as well as savages!"

Why did the elephant paint the bottom of its feet yellow?

So it could hide in a bowl of custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? No?

That means it's working, the crafty bastards.

What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving?

Pump kin pie.

A male honeybee's only job is to stay in the hive and impregnate the queen...

American response: "Those lucky bastards!"

British response: "Those poor bastards..."

You can explore bastards fascists reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bastards morons dad jokes. There are also bastards puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Bastards in the north are called 'Snow', but what are bastards in the south called?

"Your grace"

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

The guests in the hotel room I'm cleaning are always stealing all the soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms...

Dirty bastards!

Just ran over chumbawamba with my car at 80mph

Lying Bastards!

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep

Bastards joke, I dont know why its called kidnapping,

What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.

You **sick** bastards.

Bunch of scumbags stole 20 crates of Red Bull from my local store...

I don't know how those bastards sleep at night...

What's white and ruins lives around the world?


You racist bastards.

I've childproofed my entire house.

Now the little bastards won't get in.

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but the hand soap and half a bottle of shampoo

Those dirty bastards

I went into the Apple store to get a new MacBook for my wife.

Bastards wouldn't do the deal, and said they prefered cash.

CHRISTMAS TIP: Wrap empty presents and put under the tree.

When you kid starts misbehaving throw one in the fire place.

That'll teach them little bastards.

I'm going to start a business in India,

but have technical support staff in Boston. See how those bastards like it.

Why do we believe conspiracy theories?

Because the bastards want us to.

My friend just got done for bringing drugs on a camping trip.

He didn't have much but the bastards have got him on charges of possesion within tent.

I'm in a band called Delusional Bastards.

I know what you're thinking...great name

I bought a chicken cookbook.

I didn't know the smart bastards were chefs.

So robbers broke into my house and stole all the soap,

Dirty bastards, but than the cops came and did a full report. The cops said they got away clean.

What do you call a black man that drives an aeroplane?

A pilot, you rascist bastards!

There are two types of people:

People who think insults are funny

and bastards.

I tried to drown my sorrows

But the bastards learned how to swim.

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today.

It was the first time I'd met her parents.

What a pair of miserable bastards.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Chickpeas don't get reposted every single friggin day you unfunny bastards.

A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"

Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.

A family of gingerbread people lives next door to me. I hate their kids.

The crummy little bastards...

Breaking news: Β£500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

A group of thieves stole everything except for my soap.

Dirty bastards...

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won't listen.

If a Quiz is Quizzical, what's a Test?

A written examination in which you are tested on the year's curriculum.. you dirty minded bastards.

I was at my friend's stag party yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...


My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar...

Lucky bastards

Happy Father's Day to all my children.

Wherever those bastards may be.

What Starts with a 'P' and ends with 'orn'?

Popcorn you sick bastards.

Etiquette for golf is that it is not the done thing to argue about the score on a course.

But here were three members screaming at one another and play had stopped. The club official was called.

"What's the problem here?", he demanded.

"Well" said one player, "my partners had a stroke, and these two bastards want to add it to my score."

My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly

Better be the last time I see one of those bastards on my rommate's toothbrush

A man goes in for hernia surgery

After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.

"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your testicles during the surgery."

The man was immediately furious.

"You bastards! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"

The surgeon calmly replies "Now sir, you don't have the balls."

I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

My friends laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian


One of you bastards stole my wallet!

[reaches into pocket and discovers wallet is there]

... and one of you is a magician!

I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

Red Lobster cut me off the all-you-can-eat buffet after one plate!

Shellfish bastards!

A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bastards geordie jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bastards idiots piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes