bastard Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bastard puns

A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

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10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

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When I was 6 I got coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

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So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

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The Barbershop

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says:
"You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know", she says... "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."

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One from Australia for you…

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"

"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.

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10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.

He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them,

"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 secconds

Poor bastard

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

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My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

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My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".

I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

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"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife, while she was in labor…

"Fuck off you bastard!" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh, I thought - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

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Non-Racist Joke

An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are on a plane.

The plane is going to crash unless they lose some excess weight.

The Mexican man throws beans off the plane, he says, "In my country, we have too many beans."

Next, the Chinese man throws rice off the plane, he says, "In my country, we have too much rice."

Next, the American man throws the Mexican man off the plane,

He says,

"That bastard slept with my wife."

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Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough....

I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.

If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard.

That bronze medal would be mine.

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The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

Stop shaking the ladder, you little bastard!

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My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked 'how do you tell them apart?'

He replied 'that's easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!'

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Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

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I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

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Dad called me a cunt

I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

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I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned his cookies.

Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

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They say in New York somebody gets stabbed every 15 minutes,

poor bastard.

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So I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up so I shouted over How's the second-hand pussy?

Quick as a flash that bastard replied Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new.

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A man was walking along the street when he slipped in dog shit..

A few moments later another guy did exactly the same thing. The first guy said to him, "I just did that."

The second guy punched him in the face and called him a dirty bastard.

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On a recent business trip...

I was checking-in to my hotel and I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

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An old man in a wheel chair stole my camouflage jacket.

Bastard can hide but he can't run.

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Apparently, someone in Detroit gets stabbed every 52 secconds

Poor bastard

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Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

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A wife screams at her husband

Wife: "How could you screw me over like this?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my Niece, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

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What are the most funny Bastard jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bastard? Well, here are the best Bastard dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bastard pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes