Bass Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Bass puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Bass

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

A bassist.

(Don't get triggered, I play bass and I find this funny)

How do you get a bass player off of your porch?

You pay for your pizza.

I went fishing with Skrillex once

It didn't end well, he kept dropping the bass

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?

The snow, dumbass.

What do you call a bass player without a GF?

Homeless.

What do you call a stupid fish?

A dumb bass

I'll sea myself trout

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish....

And a Bass Pro Shop salesman will eat for a lifetime.

why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.

So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.

It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls around.

"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls around.

"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"

"I blew it off I had a gig."

So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday

So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, Strip down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Just have the keybord player do it with their left hand.

The Orchestra

In an orchestra that's practicing Beethoven's Ninth for an upcoming show, there are three guys that play bass. Just down the street from the church where they practice is a small bar. Every practice there would be a break where the basses didn't play, so the basses would sneak out the back of the church and go to the bar for a drink or two, and then get back just in time to finish the show. This continued until the night of the show. While the orchestra is warming up, one bassist turns to the others and says, 'We can't sneak out again, it's the night of the show!' Another bassist replies, 'Don't worry, we can make it. I tied some string around the score so that the conductor will take time to untie it. We have even more time to drink tonight than we did at the practices!' So the basses sneak out, but have a couple drinks too many. Right as they stumble in, the conductor turns the page to reveal the string around the music. He suddenly realizes that it's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

Sony created two new stereos.

One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country.

Those are two stereo types.

Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.

Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.

Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.

How on earth did you know that would work? they ask.

Simple, he says, Everyone always talks during the bass solo.

I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

Why can't you go fishing with Skrillex?

Because he always drops the bass.

What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music?

A Sub-Woofer.

A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms.

Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.

A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Why are DJ's so bad at fishing?

Because they're always dropping the Bass.

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of the conductor's score, to alert them so they can get back in time.
Performance night rolls around, and the curtains roll up to a magnificent opening segment. The bassists duck behind the percussion and run to the nearest bar. They order a couple of drinks and joke to themselves about how ridiculous they look in tailed, double-breasted tuxedos when suddenly they are approached by a man dressed even more formally, wearing a crown and long gown. He introduces himself as the Count of Bavaria, a true regal fellow. Before they know it everybody is chatting it up and the Count orders a *huge* plate of nachos. This is a massive plate - big enough for three men - but the Count, he must be starving because he eats every last bite. The bassists are enjoying their drinks and starting to get a bit drunk, when they notice they've got to rush back... Meanwhile, back at the performance, the conductor has turned the last page. He sees the string, and it dawns on him: it's the bottom of the ninth, the bassists are loaded and the count is full.

Why was the bass player arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

What does a bassist use for contraception?

Their personality.

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

What do you do when a bass player shows up at your front door?

Pay him for the pizza.

A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end of the lesson the instructor says "next lesson we'll learn G" but the guy replies "I can't make the next lesson, I have a gig."

A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good work. The next week, she takes him to another lesson. This time, the boy doesn't come back for 4 hours. She goes to the place where he's having his lesson, and asks the instructor, "What kind of lesson takes 4 hours?" The instructor replies, "What lesson? He just played a gig!"

So the bass clef said to the treble clef

Don't take that tone with me

What did the bassist say when he played too high?

I'm in treble now

What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

---------------

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It's mostly drum and bass.

A man asked Satan...

"How can I become the best guitarist in the world?"

Satan answered, "Give me your soul."

The man was bewildered. "What if I gave you a dollar instead?"

Satan smiled. "Then I'll make you the best bass player in the world."

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.

Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.

The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is.

The kid picks up and says,

"Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped inside!"

How long does it take to tune a double bass?

Nobody knows.

Concealed Carry

Got another concealed carry pistol yesterday.

In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad!

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall?

Dam.


What did the dam say to the fish?
Dumb bass.

Why couldn't the DJ keep any of the fish he caught?

He kept dropping the bass

My friend said he's learning bass guitar...

...Something about this sounds fishy.

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb

None, because the keyboard player can do it with his left hand

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?

Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.

Why can't you take Skrillex fishing?

He's always dropping the bass.

Why did the black guy pick the music system with the loudest bass?

It was his favorite sterotype.

Why did the pirate's rap song become such a hit?

The bass was pegged, his hook was just right, and it made all the girls shake they booty.

My rock band got a gig at the baseball game.

I played first bass.

A bass player found a genie

A bass player found a genie, rubbed it and said I want to be the best bass player in all of America

the genie responded your wish is my command and he spent the next few years touring with some of the biggest bands in the country

He eventually got bored of just staying in America so he found the genie again and said I want to be the best bass player in the world

The genie responded your wish is my command and he was suddenly on a world wide tour.

He eventually got bored and found the genie one more time and said I want to be better than any bass player has ever been

Suddenly he was on tour as the rhythm guitarist of a middle school cover band

How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Five. One.

What do you call a bass player who can get by without a girlfriend?

A Master-Bassist

So a bass walks into a bar ..

Let's get out of here. This place is nothing but treble.

Why Aren't DJs allowed in the Fish Market?

They always drop the bass.

If I were to drop LSD at a dubstep concert....

Would the acid neutralize the bass?

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn't actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band, but I'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for you metaling kids!

I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

How does a bass player pick up girls?

He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"

Women don't like bass players, apparently...

Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.

What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

Why wasn't Skrillex allowed on the fishing trip?

He keeps dropping the bass

What do you call the crazy people who always hang out with musicians?

Bass players

How do you get a bass player off your porch?

Pay for the pizza

Have you guys heard of the new ska/dubstep band?

first they drop the bass.


then they pickitup-pickitup-pickitup!

What do you call a retarted fish

A dum bass

I used to go fishing with Skrillex

but he kept dropping the bass.

Why was the EDM producer bad at fishing?

Because he kept dropping the bass

Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album?

Because they threw the bass player under the bus.

Went bass fishing the other day

Caught a subwoofer this big!

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

What happens when a DJ is playing a song with a small bass drop?

The crowd goes mild.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're never in the light anyways.

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

I asked a bass what he thought fishing...

He said, "I didn't like at first, but now I'm Hooked!"

What's the three toughest years of a bass player?

Second grade.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes