Basket Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!

Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Is it Scotch?

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,"Champagne?
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room

Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper "between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists", signed, and went back to sleep.

The physicist wake up second, saw the fire and the mathematician's paper, then went to the basket and measure the paper in the basket and the water in the bottle, then went back and wrote "half the bottle is sufficient", signed, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up last, saw the fire and the paper, processed to dump the whole bottle into the fire, and went back to sleep without signing anything.

A Frenchman, an American, and a blond get captured by a group of terrorists

The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.

The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in to the basket and they carry off his body.

The American is up next. He says " I want to stick to my American traditions, I choose the electric chair." They rig up an electric chair and SLAM goes the switch. The chair shorted and caused a blackout in the facility, sparing the American.

"You are lucky, American. You have been spared by our God and may go free." So they let the American walk.

The blonde is up last. "Well," says the blonde, "The electric chair didn't work, so I guess I'll take the guillotine."

A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .

Bar peanuts...

A man sits down at a bar. A basket of peanuts is nearby and tells him, "Hey man, you're looking great tonight!"

The man says, "Thanks, peanuts!"

The peanuts reply, "Also, I really love your outfit!"

The man responds, "Thanks, so nice of you"

The peanuts tell him, "You are one of the coolest guys I have ever met!"

The man is flattered and calls over to the bartender.

"Hey barkeep, these peanuts sure are kind."

The bartender replies, "They sure should be, they're complimentary"

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?

Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.

Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.

Gay Man in Church

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills. When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand." The gay man stood up. The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns."
"Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"

A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician

are having one of their daily meetings for a project when the waste basket catches on fire. The physicist gets up, gets a bucket from the closet, goes out to fill it with water, and puts out the fire. The meeting is concluded without further incident.

During the next day's meeting, the waste basket catches on fire again. The chemist gets up, gets the bucket from where the physicist left it, goes out to fill it with sand, and puts out the fire. The meeting goes on as normal.

The following day, the waste basket catches on fire again. The mathematician gets up, gets the bucket from where the chemist left it, puts it in the closet, and returns to his seat, thus reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.

What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection?

LeBronchitis

What did Gandalf say to Elrond as he watched him make a basket?

There Hugo Weaving again.

Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters

On the first day of school,

.. the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy...........

"It's a puppy!"

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

SCOTCH ??

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy...

"It's a puppy!"

Maybe it's scotch?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

Because he was in de-nile

Indian Restaurant

I went to an Indian restaurant. The waiter brought out a basket of stale flatbread before realizing his mistake and bringing a fresh one. I would have complained, but it was a naan-issue.

Husband down.. Aisle 7

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price..'

Three men are in a hot-air balloon

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).

15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

What's a basketball players favorite kind of cheese?

Swish cheese.

In California...

Did you know that in California you cannot take a picture of a woman with a basket of strawberries?


...you need a camera because strawberries do not take pictures.

Regarding the basketball game last night.

I knew it was going tibia great game

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are on a fishing trip. They get out on the water and the Priest goes, "Oh darn, I forgot the picnic basket!" so he proceeds to step out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the picnic basket and comes back out to the boat. The rabbi looks on in bewilderment.

The minister looks around as he's about to cast and realizes, "I forgot the tackle box!" He also proceeds to get out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the tackle box and heads back to the boat. The rabbi is absolutely shocked at this point.

Finally, the rabbi turns to the priest and minister and says, "I forgot the bait." He steps out of the boat and splashes around in the water.

The priest turns to the minister and says, "You forgot to show him where the rocks are didn't you?"

So Hillary Clinton recently said half of Tump's supporters are a "Basket of deplorables".

Next Trump will respond saying:

"Half of Hillary's supporters are deportables"

Church line

A man was waiting in line of a church. He saw an apple tree next to him, which also displayed a sign saying, "Take one only, God is watching..." He took one and waited once again.

By the end of the line, another sign was displayed near a basket of cookies that said, "Take as many as you like, God is busy watching the apples."

So I bought a bottle of scotch from the store and put in my bicycle basket....

I decided that I would drink the scotch before going cycling back home because the bottle might break.

It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell multiple times on my way home.

Three men are talking about their wives...

There are three men sat around a table in a bar.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there"

The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a toolbelt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house for years..."

The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad. My wife is having an affair with a horse!

When I got home last night I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."

Did you hear about the farmer who lost his basket of vegetables?

He said it's ok, they'll turnip.

Why did the rapper scream into his Easter basket?

He wanted to give a shoutout to his peeps

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.

The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.

"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.


*Alternate ending*

Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.

"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.

Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?"

Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people

He had a real basket case on his hands

Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?

He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again

Fat Free French Fries

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.

Sounds great, said the health-conscious boy.

He ordered some.

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

Wait a minute, the boy said. Those don't look fat-free.

Sure they are, the cook said. We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!

What's Yogi Bear's favorite ice cream?

Basket Robbins

Why can't basketball players have kids?

Because they always dribble before they shoot

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

A guy approaches the cute cashier at the grocery store...

His basket contains a bag of Doritos, a quart of milk, and one TV dinner.

The cashier looks up and says, "You're single, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Cuz your ugly."

A rich man gave a basket of trash to a poor man[translated from hebrew]

The poor man smiled to the rich man and went on his way.

After emptying cleaning and filling it with flowers the poor man returned to the rich man and gave him basket.

Supreized the rich man asks: "why did you give me a basket of flowers after i gave you a basket of trash?"

The poor man replies:
"We all give what's in our hearts".

Who's the best basketball player in the Bible?

Peter.....











because he denied Jesus three times!

I ate a box of Triscuits and

gave birth to a wicker basket.

What's the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?

A wicker basket is one of those baskets that you put flowers in, and a wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to his girlfriend.

Trying out a new restaurant...

A new oriental restaurant opened down the road from my house a few weeks ago, so last Friday I thought I'd go and try it out. As I arrive, I'm served promptly, and the waiter sits me next to a couple. As the waiter hands me my menu, I look to see what the couple next to me are eating. Nothing looked too fancy until I noticed a little basket between them. The lid of this basket kept popping up, and two small eyes we be looking at me! Shocked, I asked: "What did you guys order?". The man takes a look at his basket and replies "Oh, that? That's the Peking duck".

My gf keeps putting her tampons in the garbage...

Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket.

Why'd the crazy guy jump out of the hot air balloon's basket?

He wanted to escape from the ballooney bin.

Why didn't the basketball player go on vacation.

He didn't want to get caught traveling.

Priest, Monk, and Rabbi go on a pilgrimage

They get to talking about what they do with the offerings from their services. The Priest says, "I draw a line on the ground, and throw the basket in the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line goes to God. Whatever lands on the left side I keep."

The Monk says, "I do the exact same thing, except I draw a circle on the ground. Whatever lands inside the circle goes to God, and whatever lands outside I keep."

The Rabbi stops and turns to face the other two and says, "I do it a little different. I take the basket and throw it in the air. Whatever God wants he'll take. Whatever lands on the ground I keep."

What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

Scientists are such a pain, they need so much expensive equipment. Mathemeticians on the other hand ...

They just need a pencil, a paper and a waste paper basket. Philosophers are even easier, they don't even need the waste paper basket.

What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus sits at the Last Supper, beginning to serve his guests.

First, he hands a basket of bread to go around, "These represent my body, and the pain I shall endure for my people."

Next, he begins pouring everyone wine, "This represents my blood, and how I am part of everyone."

He goes to open a jar of mayonnaise, Judas quickly takes it away from him, "Now I'm gonna have to stop you right there."

Does a basketball player with an extra chromosome...

have both ups and downs?

Why do hypocrites avoid mixed metaphors?

The don't count their chickens in the same basket.

Why don't basketball players cry?

They'd rather bawl instead

Why was the basketball court wet?

Because all the players kept dribbling on it.
(Not sure if repost, but I find it hilarious)

The psychiatrist was excited to receive a wicker attache.

He always wanted a basket case.

What was moses feeling when his mum put him in a basket on a river?

He was in denial

What Basketball Team Is Hated By Flat Earthers?

The Globetrotters.

What do you call the basket on a hot air balloon?

A balooney bin. Fuuuuuuck I hate myself.

Why did the basketball receive medical attention?

He was passed out.

A warning to the Easter Bunny:

Don't put all your eggs in one basket!

There was a woman in psych ward who escaped and stole all of Wal-Marts shopping carts.

It's clear, she's a basket case.

You can put Hillary Clinton supporters into two baskets.

The basket of adorables, and the basket of deportables.

This old lady was in front of me at the store.

Cashier rang her out and it totalled $250. Her card kept declining. I felt so bad for her.

After I cherry picked her basket I helped her put it all back.

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

A Priest a Rabbi and a Minister (original I know)

A priest a rabbi and a minister are discussing how they decide what of the money they receive should go to them and what should go to god. The priest says he takes all the money in a basket and draws a line on the ground, then he throws the money down and what lands on the left is his and on the right is gods. The minister says he has a similar approach he draws a circle on the ground and what lands in the circle goes to him and what lands outside the circle goes to god. Finally the rabbi tells them his way, he says like the others takes all the money in a basket then he throws it up in the air, and what god wants, god takes!

Quasimodo

Quasimodo comes home and finds Esmeralda holding a wok and a laundry basket. 'Great,' says Quasimodo. 'Are you cooking Chinese tonight?' 'No,' says Esmerelda. 'I'm ironing your shirt.'

A basketball player and a jockey are stuck in rising water so the jockey asks what they should do.

The basketball player says "It's not up to me, it's up to you".

Big culinary news!

A basket of eggs just filed assault charges against a cook for beating them!

What are the funniest basket jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Basket? Well, here are the best Basket puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Basket pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes