Basically Jokes
101 basically jokes and hilarious basically puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about basically that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Basically Short Jokes
Short basically jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The basically humour may include short essentially jokes also.
- Judaism is a lot like the pH scale. On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.
- I just realized titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie. Icy dead People!
- I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
- Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
- If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam. It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away... An orange a day keeps the plumber away...
Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away. - After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again. How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.
- What was the basic white girl's favorite picture book? The Little Engine That Couldn't Even.
- I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar... So, basically, I would be a politician.
- Pedophiles are basically another form of hipsters... ... they are into people before it's cool.
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Basically One Liners
Which basically one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with basically? I can suggest the ones about briefly and literally.
- Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10 Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.
- 85%of people in America don't know basic math. Thanks God I'm from the other 25%
- I'm 95% vegan now... Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating
- Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives. Honey. nut. Cheerio.
- Why don't they put advertisements on the Hulk? He's basically a huge banner.
- Girl, you're a 10? On the pH scale, maybe, cuz you basic.
- Why doesn't Marvel advertise on Hulk? He is basically a giant banner.
- Why can't Jewish girls be basic? They're too Hasidic
- what does a basic white girl and an improper fraction have in common? They can't even
- Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices... Then it becomes basic.
- Yo momma so basic... ...she got a pH of 15.
- Every shape is basically a circle It's just that they are all edgy.
- You're a 10? On the pH scale maybe, cause you're basic
- My sister is a 13 on the pH scale. She's basic but can't even.
- Marvel should use The Hulk to advertise movies. I mean basically he's just a big Banner.
Unearthly Funniest Basically Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about basically you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sorta jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make basically pranks.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...."
What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?
They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
Did you hear about the guy who needed to snort a line of baking soda every day?
He was basically addicted.
Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.
Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.
Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you have left. Think of a country that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the country, and think of an animal that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the animal, and think of a color that begins with that letter.
Now.... How many orange kangaroos are there in Denmark?
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Math in the real world
Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."
Network administrator
A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
Scientists and spiders.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
A joke is like a frog..
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
Desperate Need of Good Jokes
Basically I've had the s**... day/month and I could really do with some cheering up.
Hit me with your cheesiest and amazingly bad jokes :-)))
Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...
There were no casual tees.
I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for s**...
I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
If I had to describe myself in three words...
It would be; Tall, dark and unable to follow basic instructions
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...
Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."
Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?
It's the most basic drink there is.
I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...
...I'm pretty proud of myshelf
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
Oxygen and potassium went on a date...
...it went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.
Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?
Iran.
Oman the whole story is ridiculous.
I basically had to Qatar cross the border.
Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.
I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.
Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.
Two guys sitting in a doctor's office waiting room....
First guy says to second guy:
"I ...I...I...I'm hhhhh... hear ....fffffff...for my stttut...stutttering ppp,ppp, problem. Yyyy, you?"
Second guy says:
"I'm here because I have a swollen prostate, gonna get it checked"
First guy says:
"wwwww, what hhhhh, hhhappens wwwheeen y, yoour, ppppp, pprostate swelll, swells?
Second guys says:
"well, basically, I pee like you talk"
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the w**... should be separated.
I mean, that's just basic laundry.
A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography
Teacher: "what state do you live in?"
Student: "denial."
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...
So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.
I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.
I hated the girls at my school
They used to hit me with a ruler.. Slap me in the face. Basically did everything they could just to defend themselves.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
The problem with math jokes
Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.
The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.
Jokes
Vegan hot dogs are basically the s**... of food .
You want the sausage but not the meat
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
A politician visited a village in India..
A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.
Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with l**... and it exploded
That's what happens when you mix acid and basic
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"
A basic rule of comedy is that if you possess a trait, you can joke about it. Like if you're fat, you can joke about fat people. If you're black, you can joke about black people
So, a 25-year old v**... walks into a bar..
Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.
You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"
There are many problems with math puns.
Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.
But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
If you go to jail for tax evasion....
....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.
A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were
We have 2 basic needs, sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's not the doctor.
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on s**... stuff!"
Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are s**...."
Saw a tree with 'Live, Laugh, Love' carved into it
It was a basic birch
A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math
"What's 9 plus 9?
12 .
What's 8 and 8?
10 .
The doctor shook his head. Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?
The man thought for a second, and answered 1E .
Aha, I've figured it out! The doctor said. Somebody's clearly put a hex on you.
I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it's dangerous...
So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, "It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live."
I said, "Cool! By the way, what do you do there?"
He said, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
I'm cannot stand to live with my flatmate anymore
She doesnt clean the flat, she doesn't cook and she basically just uses me for free rides.
I'm want to move so badly but my boyfriend says "we can't abandon our daughter."
The kids don't know the difference between castration and a vasectomy.
True story:
Fellow teacher in the lounge during lunch: They have no knowledge of basic human anatomy. They thought that getting a vasectomy meant having your b**... chopped off.
Me: When it comes to the difference between castration and a vasectomy, there is a vas deferens.
Thanks Reddit for letting me steal a joke and use it on the wild.
I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.
I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug a**... just laughed when I proved their dumb a**... wrong.
Some people think it's weird that nuns wear basically the same clothes everyday.
But to them, it's a habit.
New York City is like Linux
* Spend the first year re-learning how to perform basic tasks
* Spend the rest of your lifetime claiming how much better it is
* Bad drivers
Source: @ chromakode on Twitter
I complained about the temperature at work for a month...
And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.
Have you heard of I can't believe it's not butter ?
It's basically the same as butter, but there's a margarinal difference.
I need to get a new friend
I've been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python
After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn't work at all. Seriously w**...? I should have just dumped coffee onto my keyboard because JavaScript is clearly better
