Basement Jokes

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

They say if you love something set it free...

but I don't really love the h**... in my basement.

There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

Thought we didn't have enough. "I like my women like my coffee" jokes.

Here's mine. "Held in my basement, in a sack".

How many babies does it take to change a Light bulbs?

Well obviously more than 8, my basement is still dark

How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than three because the basement is still dark!
*(Just heard this today, even though I know it's probably old!)*

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but I have 3 in my basement and I still can't see a thing.

How many corpses does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 3, because it's been a week and my basement is still dark.

I like my women like I like my wine...

...locked in a dark basement for several years until they are mature enough to enjoy.

How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5, as my basement is still dark

How many dead h**... does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know yet. My Basement is still dark.

How many dead h**... does it take to change a lightbulb?

At least 8. I've got 7 in my basement, and it's still dark down there.

How many dead h**... do you need to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, Someday, you're going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom's basement playing video games all day!
His reply: I can only dream.

What did Dr.Dre say to Lil Wayne?

Nothing, you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in Eminem's basement!

How many dead h**...'s in your basement does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 4

Wondering why "c**..." has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

How many dead h**... does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.

How many dead orphans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously more than 10, cause it's still pretty dark in my basement.

The best part about owning a pet.

You can blame your dog for f**...,
you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.

How many dead h**... does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Pedophiles like their wine like they like their girls

9 years old and locked up in the basement

A men goes to a priest...

-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-

A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

I found a dead mouse in my mother's basement.

Honestly, I hate being a gynaecologist sometimes.

I like my men how I like my wine.

Twelve years old and locked in a basement.

What can't you hide in a basement full of dead h**...?

My e**...

So I asked my neighbor how many babies you would need to change a lightbulb...

and he told me he didn't know because his basement was still dark.

How many dead h**... does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Cause it's definitely not 4. My basement is still dark & I'm running out of room.

What's more horrifying than finding a stack of dad's playboys in the basement?

Realising one of them's still breathing.

How many basement dwellers and deplorables does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's ridiculous I saw on CNN that Hillary has already changed the lightbulb Plus it's not dark and the light bulb isn't broken and anyway who told you it was broken Vladimir Putin? What are you sexist?

I feel for Hillary Clinton

The FBI found a server in my basement too. She was from h**... I think.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day....

Let him out of your basement and he can go back to his family.

I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation...

I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.

My wife says that she still hears her grandmother's voice sometimes before she goes to sleep at night.

But only when I forget to lock the basement.

I didn't sleep a wink last night because my neighbor was screaming her head off.

I think she doesn't like my basement.

I like my women how I like my light bulbs...

Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement.

I like my girls how I like my wine

Ten-fifteen years old and locked in my basement.

What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?

They're both incontinence down under.

Jehovah's witnesses are always b**... on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

There are so many starving children in the world,

I don't understand why the police made such a big deal about the ones in my basement.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely more than 6, because my basement is still dark

I like my women like I like my wine.

Twelve years old and in my basement.
(Joke was told to me by my cousin)

I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey.

Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.

Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly:
"Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement-stairs..."

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

A friend told me he saw a black guy on a stolen bike getting hit by a train

I rushed home, afraid that it was mine.
But thankfully, mine was still in my basement shining my shoes.

Did you hear about that old guy down the street? Apparently he likes his women how he likes his wine.

12 years old and in his basement

How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know but it sure is not seven because my basement is still dark

A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.
Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Five is apparently not enough because my basement is still dark.

Can 5 women change a lightbulb?

Apparently not; the basement light still hasn't been replaced.

World War 2

Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Priest: "That's perfectly okay."
Man: "I haven't told them the war is over."

When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...

Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!

Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.
Speed lacks Direction.

I trapped a bunch of vegans in my basement

I'm not actually sure if If they're vegans, but they keep shouting lettuce leaf!