Baseball Player Jokes
104 baseball player jokes and hilarious baseball player puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baseball player that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Baseball Player Short Jokes
Short baseball player jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baseball player humour may include short baseball pitcher jokes also.
- So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
- Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team? They were truly ruthless.
- God challenges the Devil to a game of baseball. How can I lose? God said. I have all the best players up here!
How can I lose? Said the Devil. I have all of the umpires down here. - What's the difference between a baseball player and an orphan? An orphan doesn't have a home to run to.
- Sports Enthusiasts I got hired by my local baseball team to keep the players cool in the locker room. It was a difficult job because I'm not a fan.
- Why did the police arrest the baseball player? Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.
- Did you hear about the baseball player who was in that terrible wreck? It was a hit and run.
- What is the difference between baseball players and London Tube drivers? Baseball players are out after three strikes.
- What's the difference between a motivational speaker and a baseball player? The baseball player has all of its limbs.
- A baseball player walking into a bar He tries to take a shot of whisky but ends up splashing it all over his shirt.
A baseball commentator from the other side of the bar says "A swig and a miss!"
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Baseball Player One Liners
Which baseball player one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baseball player? I can suggest the ones about baseball kid and baseball team.
- Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.
- What did the pancake say to the baseball player? Batter up!
- Why would Adrian Peterson be a great baseball player? Because he's a switch hitter
- What do you call a baseball player that holds water? A pitcher.
- Why did the baseball player fail at the math test? He used base 3.
- Why are frogs good baseball players? Because they're good at catching flies!
- Ambidextrous baseball players... Swing both ways
- Who is the most basic baseball player of all time? Al Kaline
- Why do baseball players sleep with random strangers? Because they like to swing
- Which baseball player has the shortest commute? The catcher, he only works from home.
- Shout out to... ...baseball players who have three strikes.
- Why are baseball players so cool? They always have their fans around.
- What kind of cake does a baseball player prefer? A bundt cake!
- Why was the baseball player good at writing pop songs? They were catchy.
- What's a baseball players favorite type cake? A bundt cake.
Delightful Fun Baseball Player Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about baseball player you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean basketball player jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baseball player pranks.
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends.
"I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
What did the baseball glove say to the player?
"Nooooooooooooo!!!!!"
A little girl went to her dad's baseball game.
Her dad is an MLB player. He's famous for bunting the ball. The little girl doesn't understand. She thinks the point is to the swing all the way with the bat.
So, next time he bunted, the girl shouted, much to the shock of the crowd, HARDER DADDY!
... Or was it Hank Aaron.
A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man walks up to the bartender and bets him $20.00 that his dog can talk. The bartender is interested so he takes the bet. The man turns to the dog and asks what the top of a house is called. "Roof!" barks the dog. "How does sandpaper feel?" asks the man. "Rough!" responds the dog. "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" the man asks. "Ruth!" the dog says. At this point the bartender is livid so he kicks both of them out and keeps the twenty dollars. Later they're both sitting on the corner and the dog turns to his master and says "Was it Mantle?"
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...
...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"
A man and his dog walk into a bar...
and he says to the bartender, "Hey! How much you wanna bet that my dog can talk?"
The bartender Replies, "There is no way your dog can talk! 100$ says your wrong!"
The man agrees to the bet and asks his dog, "Hey Rosco, what goes on the top of a house to keep the rain out?"
The dog says, "Roof!"
The bartender gets really mad and says, "Are you kidding me? You think I'd give you a hundred dollars for that? Try again or I am k**... you out!"
The man agrees again and asks his dog, "Hey Rosco, who was the best baseball player of all time?"
The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender kicks them both out of the bar, and tells them to never come back!
The dog looks at his owner and asks, "Dimaggio?"
A man goes into a casting agents office
with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"
A man walks into a bar with a dog...
A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog
"What do you find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again
"What do you find on a tree?"
"Bark!" answers the dog again.
"Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm k**... you out." The man asks the dog
'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies
"Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?"
(Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite)
Talking Dog
A man brings a dog into a bar and says, "This is a talking dog."
The bartender says, "I'll believe it when I see it!"
The man sets the dog on the table and starts asking him questions. He asks, "What is the opposite of smooth?"
The dog responds, "Rough!"
The man asks, "What is on top of a house?"
The dog responds, "Roof!"
The man asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog responds, "Ruth!"
The bartender is enraged and throws them both out of the bar.
The dog turns to the man and asks, "DiMaggio?"
Baseball & Football -George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)
A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to talk? Would you let me drink for free?" The bartender quickly rebuts. "A talking dog? Sure, why not" So the man looks to his dog and asks Ol' Scruffy; "Scruffy! Tell this barkeep what keeps this bar dry during rainy days" "Ruff!" the dog says. The bartender, now frustrated, says "Ok Pal, Where's my $3.50?" The man waves him off and explains that Scruffy is merely jesting and orders another shot, which the bartender pours and watches the shot disappear. "Ok Scruffy, who is the greatest baseball player that has ever played the game?" "Ruff!" The dog replies with a wagging tail. The bartender now gets fed up with the man and his "talking" dog and throws them to the street. The man gets up, wipes his face and looks to Scruffy. Scruffy looks up and says "Well, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio"
"So José, how was America?"
"Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind. I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out. Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole baseball diamond with the players getting ready for the game."
"You had to watch from a flag pole? I thought you said the Americans were nice."
"Oh they are amigo! Before the game began every American stood up, looked right at me, and hollered, "José, can you see?"
Old-School off-beat joke
A man walks into a talent agency with a dog, he says to the guy "You're gonna love this! My dog can talk!"
He turns to his dog and says "What's on top of everyone's house?"
The dog says "Roof!"
"Who's the greatest baseball player to ever live?"
The dog says "Roof!"
The talent agent says "I've seen enough! Get out of here!" and he throws the man and the dog out.
The man looks at the dog.
The dog looks up at him and says, "What, you think I should have said DiMaggio?"
What's the main export of Cuba?
Baseball players.
Why are there so few black baseball players?
Because they keep stealing bases.
Baseball Players
No matter how amazing baseball players are they're still hit and miss.
A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...
A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"
Why was the baseball player arrested?
He was involved in a hit-and-run.
Who is a battery manufacturer's favorite baseball player of all time?
Al Kaline.
Joke from the rabbi of one of the synagogues I went to.
A professional baseball player was very religious. So religious, in fact, that every time he stepped up to the plate he would cross himself.
During a particular game, he was facing a particularly impatient pitcher. The batter stepped out to cross himself, and the pitcher yelled out, "Hey! Why don't you just let God watch the game for once!?"
A man brings his talking dog into the bar...
The bartender quickly tells him that no dogs are allowed.
The man says, "But sir, this is a talking dog. If i can prove that he can talk, will you let him stay?"
The bartender reluctantly agrees.
The man looks at his dog and says, "what's on top of your dog house?"
The dog says, "Roof!"
The bartender crosses his arms, annoyed.
The man says, "What does sandpaper feel like?"
The dog says, "Rough!"
The bartender is annoyed, but gives him one more shot.
The man says "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog barks, "Ruth!"
The bartender is furious at the man for trying to trick him and kicks them both out.
The man gets really angry and kicks his dog.
The dog looks up at him and says "what, do you think Sammy Sosa was better?"
Did you hear about the baseball player who dreamed of being a judge?
He was benched.
A baseball player was hit in the head with a line drive yesterday...
today he's more open-minded
I think Baptists make horrible baseball players
because they believe in once safe, always safe.
A Mexican man was visiting America.
He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
A dog baseball player is up to bat..
But what he really wants is a belly itcher.
Al Kaline was such a great baseball player....
..... that he had a battery named after him!
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.
"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.
The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"
Dog: Roof.
Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"
Dog: Rough.
Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"
Dog: Ruth.
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"
The man, The newspaper and the wife
A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'
Why did the baseball player take his clothes off after the game?
He wanted to start a winning streak
Jose and the Game.
Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
What do you call a black baseball player?
A baseball player
My grandfather lived his life like a baseball player
three strokes and you're out
Why do baseball players use alarm clocks?
It keeps them up, up, and awake
A baseball player got caught in a pickle yesterday...
I heard it was a really big dill.
Did you hear about the former baseball player who joined the military and went AWOL?
He had a terrible on base percentage.
A man takes his dog to a talent agent
A man and a dog meet with a talent agent.
Man: My dog here is able to talk.
Talent Agent: Ok I'm interested. Make him say something.
Man: Ok boy, what is on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Man: What is on the outside of trees?
Dog: Bark!
Man: Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?
Dog: Ruth!
Talent Agent: I've seen enough of this.
The talent agent throws them out of his office where the man and his dog land in the gutter. Then the dog turns to his master and says, "maybe I should've said DiMaggio."
Who is an element's favorite baseball player?
Al Kaline.
Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk
So Fred asked his dog, What's on top of a house?
Roof, the dog barked.
Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.
Rough.
He still wasn't convinced.
O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Fred asked the dog.
Ruth.
With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?
I asked my wife, "How many baseball players could you handle?"
She said, "Three! One at bat, one on deck and one in the hole."
What do baseball players do when they get mad?
They go out on strikes
What is a Manchurian baseball player good at?
Cat-Qing.
How long did the baseball player spend in the s**... club?
5 minutes. It was a short stop
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!
"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"
"Rex, what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF!"
"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."
"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"RUTH!"
"That's it, kid, you're wasting my time, get that fleabag out of my office!"
As they walked out of the building Rex looked over to his master and said "Well, kid, that's show business."
A man claims to have a talking dog, and takes him to a talent agent.
The agent says, "Let's hear what he can do." So the man asks the dog,"What's the texture of concrete?" The dog says "Rough!" The agent says, "Try again."
The man asks the dog,"What's on top of a house?" The dog says "Roof!" The agent says, "This is nonsense. I don't have time for this." The man pleads for one more chance, and the agent tells him OK.
The man asks the dog,"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog says "Ruth!" The agent kicks them out of the office. As they're leaving the building, the dog looks up and asks, "Do you think I should have said Ty Cobb?"
Why was the v**... baseball player upset?
He could never get past first base.
Why is there a broken phonograph in the Baseball Hall of Fame?
Because it was a record player.
I'm tired and rebuilding a Victrola. If this is a repost, then good, all the ancient aliens people can s**... it with their "evidence". Sometimes multiple people just get the same idea for fuckall reason.
The talking dog....
A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."
The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"
"Ruff" says the dog.
"What is on top of a house?"
"Roof" says the dog.
The bartender is getting annoyed, so the man begs to let him ask one more question.
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Roof" says the dog.
With that, the bartender halls the man and his dog out onto the street. The man is dejected. The dog sees this, looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio?"
The talking dog
A man and his dog walk into the office of the manager of the circus and he says, "I've got a talking dog, and I'll prove it to you. If I do, can we be in your show?"
The manager is skeptical, but he realizes that a real talking dog would bring in good money. "Alright, go ahead."
Man: "What is on top of a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "How was the road into town?"
Dog: "Rough!"
The manager says, "Those are just dog barks! That's no talking dog! Get out of my office!"
Dejected, the man and his dog leave heads down. Then the dog looks up at the man and says, "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
What do Icelandic baseball players climb in high school gym?
Frozen Ropes.
On a street corner a man held a sign saying, "SEE THE TALKING DOG. $5"
A woman approached him and asked if the dog could really talk.
"Yes indeed!" replied the owner. The woman handed over $5, and the owner began asking his dog questions.
"Okay, boy. How does sandpaper feel?"
"Rough!" answered the dog.
The owner then asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" answered the dog.
The woman snatched back her $5 and complained, "This is such a scam!" and stormed off.
The dog turned to his owner and said, "Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"
What do you call a baseball player by day, vigilante by night?
a Bat Man
Quadruple entendre by me
An addict, a musician and a baseball player all walk into headquarters...
They're on the base.
Doctor, doctor, I'm a pro baseball player and I can't stop eating
Doc: Time to stop stepping up to the plate.
Just heard that the Vatican was thinking of starting their own baseball team.
I think they'd be pretty good, since most of their players would be described as 'not out'
Owing to the TP shortage, I've been using a picher and water to clean my b**......
.... baseball players will do anything for money now that the season is postponed.
One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .
The son never sits on the brutish umpire.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires
