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Baseball Jokes

161 baseball jokes and hilarious baseball puns to laugh out loud. Read sport jokes about baseball that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Baseball Jokes for kids, umpires, coaches, and adults! Get ready for some laughs and chuckles with these funny baseball puns and riddles. From a baseball-themed Halloween to a pitcher hitting a home run, you'll find lots of jolly jokes to share with friends and family including references to MLB and soccer.

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Funniest Baseball Short Jokes

Short baseball jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baseball humour may include short softball jokes also.

  1. I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
  2. Why does China have the best baseball team? Because they took out the whole world with one bat
  3. Did you know that bats aren't actually blind? That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs
  4. My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball. And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist
  5. My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game
  6. A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire was upset because he couldn't get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him.
    After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
  7. Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now? It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.
  8. So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
  9. My company was recently bought out. Now, instead of making baseball equipment we're making German sausages... ...things have gone from bat to wurst.
  10. They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games. They lost the opener.

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Baseball One Liners

Which baseball one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baseball? I can suggest the ones about basketball and soccer.

  1. Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: Because they don't know where home is.
  2. Never Hit A Guy With Glasses Hit him with a baseball bat.
  3. I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher.
  4. Why are orphans so bad at baseball? They don't know where home is.
  5. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger Then it hit me
  6. Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.
  7. What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game? Eight-nothing
  8. Why are orphans terrible at baseball? They've never known what home is.
  9. Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats.
  10. Why are orphans bad at baseball? Because they can never find home
  11. Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans!
  12. What did the mathematician do at the baseball game? √4 the home team
  13. Why are orphans bad at baseball? They have no idea where home is.
  14. Where does baseball appear in the Bible? Genesis
    In the Big Inning.
  15. China has the best baseball team. They took out the whole world with one bat.

Baseball Player Jokes

Here is a list of funny baseball player jokes and even better baseball player puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team? They were truly ruthless.
  • God challenges the Devil to a game of baseball. How can I lose? God said. I have all the best players up here!
    How can I lose? Said the Devil. I have all of the umpires down here.
  • What's the difference between a baseball player and an orphan? An orphan doesn't have a home to run to.
  • What did the pancake say to the baseball player? Batter up!
  • Sports Enthusiasts I got hired by my local baseball team to keep the players cool in the locker room. It was a difficult job because I'm not a fan.
  • Why would Adrian Peterson be a great baseball player? Because he's a switch hitter
  • What do you call a baseball player that holds water? A pitcher.
  • Why did the baseball player fail at the math test? He used base 3.
  • Why did the police arrest the baseball player? Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.
  • Why are frogs good baseball players? Because they're good at catching flies!

Baseball Bat Jokes

Here is a list of funny baseball bat jokes and even better baseball bat puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.
  • Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat. He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.
  • Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriend
    Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik
  • Terrorists have an Off-Switch. It's in the back of their heads. Use a baseball bat to activate.
  • Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat.
  • How do you avoid bats flying into your face? Don't go to baseball games.
  • Why should china have a baseball team? They could take the whole world out with a single bat
  • Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
    A: Their bats flew away.
  • Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18? Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.
  • I got a job tending to baby seals once. I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!
Baseball joke, I got a job tending to baby seals once.

Baseball Hitting Jokes

Here is a list of funny baseball hitting jokes and even better baseball hitting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
  • I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger... then it hit me!
  • I couldn't remember what I was doing in baseball. And that's when it hit me
  • I was just casually strolling down the street... and suddenly when I looked up, I saw a baseball getting bigger and bigger, and I was wondering why that was.
    Then it hit me.
  • I was at a baseball game wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • What do a baseball and a Mexican have in common? The harder you hit it the more English you get
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger then it hit me
  • What's the difference between my dad and a baseball? The baseball doesn't leave a mark when it hits me
  • I was playing baseball with my friend Tandra and she was pitching. I hit the ball straight into left field and made it to second base. That's a double on Tandra.
  • Did you hear about the baseball player who was in that terrible wreck? It was a hit and run.

Baseball Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny baseball team jokes and even better baseball team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the baseball team love the first day of spring? It meant they could finally play ball outside!
  • What has 18 legs and catches flies? A baseball team.
  • What do baseball teams and muffins have in common? They both rely on a good *batter*
  • I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team Because I hate dealing with parents.
  • As a good luck charm my baseball team eats taco bell before every game. To help us get more runs than our opponent.
  • Got asked how to motivate a team at work today Apparently a baseball bat is the wrong answer
  • What did the Italian baseball coach say about the only woman on the team? Ciabatta very good!
  • what are pee wee herman's favorite baseball teams? yanks and the expos
  • What do cakes and baseball teams have in common? They both need a good batter.
  • When Dr. Who was in college He was the first baseman on the baseball team.

Baseball Pitcher Jokes

Here is a list of funny baseball pitcher jokes and even better baseball pitcher puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What sport does the kool-aid man play? Baseball; he's a pitcher.
  • Some people say that baseball is a boring sport, I just tell them that with a good pitcher... Things can get out of hand pretty quickly.
  • Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire? He threw his arm out.
  • What position does Kool-aid Man play in baseball? Relief Pitcher :^)
  • So a baseball rolls into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "You must be here for a pitcher!"
    [Edit] I'm pretty sure I made this joke up y'all!
  • Where did the baseball keep its lemonade? In the pitcher!
  • What do Chinese Dogs and baseball pitchers have in common? Whenever that have a bad day they balk a lot
  • Did you hear about the Major League Baseball umpire who came out as gay? Apparently he's not a pitcher or a catcher, he just likes to watch.
  • The Atlanta quarterback should become a baseball pitcher... He's great at throwing.
  • What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common? Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.
Baseball joke, What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?

Laughable Baseball Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about baseball you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hockey jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baseball pranks.

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"
"But my dog can talk"
Bartender: "Prove it"
"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"
Dog: "Roof, roof"
Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"
"Fido, what is the high grassy part of a golf course called?"
Dog: "Ruff, ruff"
Bartender (more annoyed): "I'll give you one last chance before I throw you out"
"Fido, who is the greatest baseball player of all time"
Dog: "Ruth, ruth"
Bartender throws the both of them out into the street.
Dog: "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"

A Mexican man was visiting America.

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....

New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."

A wife has a c**... day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and r**..., she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Blondes and Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

What do n**...'s and baseballs have in common?

Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat.

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:
"Barney. Talking dog."
The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."
"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"
"Rough."
"What goes on top of a house?"
"Roof."
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth."
Just then the agent grabbed us both and tossed us out into the street.
Barney was just sitting there, looking forlornly at the ground and shaking his head.
"Knew I should have said Hank Aaron."

Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

Why don't they allow l**... to play baseball?

When they get to third base they think they've scored

A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.
Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.
Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top and takes a seat.
The game is about to begin when a voice comes over the loudspeaker and says "Please rise for the National Anthem". Everyone in the stadium stands up, turns to Jose, puts their hands over their hearts, and sings
"O-OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEE..."
Jose yells back "YES THANK YOU"

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...

**Feminist:** Why isn't the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She's obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she's not in a bar, she's um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That's so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won't tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can't tell a joke without being sexist then you're not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.

So a kid is standing in the middle of a field with a baseball and a bat...

He tosses the ball up to hit it. He swings, misses, and yells "Strike ONE!"
Tosses it up a second time. Swings. Misses. "Strike TWO!"
On the third time he tosses it up, he swings, and yet again, misses. "Strike THREE!"
"Wow," he said. "I didn't know I was such a good pitcher!"

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

A Jew, A Catholic, and a m**... are in a bar discussing their families...

...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The m**... says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Guy walks into a bar and there's a gorilla sitting in the corner.

Guy says to the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"
Bartender says, "I'll show ya." .
The bartender walks over with a baseball bat and smashes the gorilla right in the nose. The gorilla gets on his knees and gives the bartender a b**....
Bartender says, "What do ya think?"
Guy says, "That's great."
Bartender asks, "You wanna try?"
Guy says, "Sure, but don't hit me so hard."

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

Baseball

A Braves fan walks into an Atlanta bar and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. Drinks for everyone here, bartender! shouts the Braves fan. Except for Mr. Yankees!
The Yankees fan smiles and says, Thank you!
Infuriated, the Braves fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Braves asks the bartender, What's the matter with that guy? I've ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?
No, he's not nuts, says the bartender. He owns the place.

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.
Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.
She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.
"Hi honey," he says.
"Your parents decided to stop in for the night on their way back home. I let them have our room, I hope you don't mind."

Plank goes to a ball game

A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade.
A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation.
"Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks.
"I really like it. I think it's pretty cool" the small plank replies.
"Really," says the man, "cuz it seems to me like you're a little board."

Baseball

A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry

Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.
Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."
The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."
The Third woman slides down the bar stool

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.
Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.
It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?

Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

A man goes into a casting agents office

with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"

How do baseball players know when to bathe?

Foul b**...

Fatherly advice

When I was a little boy I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. My dad ran to me picked me up and told me to "shake it off."
Years later while playing baseball I was hit with a wild pitch, my dad called out from the stands "Shake it off son."
Before going off to college my long time girlfriend dumped me. Of course just like everything else in life when I was hurt my dad with his infinite wisdom once again told me to "shake it off."
Due to all the years of his great fatherly advice I knew exactly what to say when he was diagnosed with parkinson's disease.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.
That same guy in your pool? Bob
Same guy in your hot tub? Stew
Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack
Same guy on your porch? Matt
Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer
Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Chinese girl with the same condition? Irene.

3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field?

Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A man is granted three wishes.

The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.
The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.
The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.
For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."

A small boy got lost at a baseball game...

He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically.
The boy replied, "Beer and women."

You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls

All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key v**..., a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

What is the difference between a baseball and Prince William?

One is thrown to the air.
The other is heir to the throne.

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Matt.
The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."
"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to h**.... There aren't any nuns there."

What's an alcoholic's least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the fifth.

A baseball walks into Wimbledon.

The announcer yells "Hey, we don't serve your kind"

The Corporate Ladder

A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is American FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of Choice for middle management is TENNIS
6. the sport of Choice for corporate Officers is GOLF
CONCLUSION: The Higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your b**... become

Why are hobos terrible at baseball?

Because they can't find home.

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you? The one dollar bill said, You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.

Baseball joke, Bills

jokes about baseball