bartender Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious bartender stories

What are the best Bartender puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bartender? Well here is a complete list of Bartender dad jokes:

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

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A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

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A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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Me : What's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first.

Me : Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender : Is Pepsi ok?

Me : Sure, How much is that?

Bartender : 3$

Me : There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

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[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

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Blonde Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

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The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

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Multi-level Meta Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.

"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."

This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"

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The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Killian's says "These guys are amateurs, give me a Killian's Irish Red. It's smooth, flavorful, and distinct!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says "I'll have a water."

The others give a confused look. The bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"

He responds, "well, nobody else did."

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A biker walks into a bar...

..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.

The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

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A lady walks into a bar…

She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs oral sex on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up on the bar in the appropriate position and the bartender puts the frog there and tells it to do its thing. The frog just sits there. The bartender moves the frog to the side and says, "I'm only going to show you one more time!"

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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

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My "classic" joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!"
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

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Three logicians walk into a bar..

The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"

The first one replies,"I don't know"

The second one replies, "I don't know either"

The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"

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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

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Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

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A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

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"free"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "free". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

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My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

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If every joke happened in the same universe...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward.
The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day.
Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps.
Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar.
The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

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A prospector struck it rich...

so he came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The prospector handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two botles of beer.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

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A man walks into a bar and asks:

"Bartender, may I have a Less?"
To which the bartender says:
"I'm sorry sir, what did you want?"
"I would like to have a Less please."
The bartender then apologizes:
"I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?"
The man answers:
"Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."

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My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.


"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have a......





....



.....


....



....


....





...beer." the bear says.

"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

:)

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A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

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A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

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Two whales walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what he can get them.

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."

The second whale says "damn it Frank you're already drunk."

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The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

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10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "No money."

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A man with a speech impediment walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender, "Can I have a B,b,b,b,b,bloody Mary?"

"Certainly" replies the bartender.

"I used to have an extremely bad stutter. It had to do with low-sexual self confidence. You seem like a nice guy so I'll tell you the secret to overcoming your stutter."

So the bartender tells him that every day for a week when he went home he got his wife to give him a blowjob.


A week later the same man walks into the bar. "Can I have a B,b,b,b,b,bloody Mary?" he asks.

"Weren't you in here last week?" the bartender asks.

"Y,y,y,y,y,yes I w,w,w,w,w,was." he replied

"Didn't the cure I told you about work?"

"N,n,n,n,n no it d,d,d,d,didn't w,w,w,w,work. B,b,b,b,b,but you have a nice house.


One of my father's all-time favorites

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"

The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"

"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse

"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"

The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"

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First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."

"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."

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A Man Walks Into A Bar...

And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.

A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."

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A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

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An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

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A man walks into a bar...

And see's a man, about 1 foot tall playing the piano. "Damn!" He exclaims, "how is this possible ?" The bartender explains that there is a genie in the back of the bar. Excited, the man goes into the back of the bar and wishes for "1 million bucks!" , suddenly 1 million ducks fly out of the bar. "This genie is hard of hearing! I asked for a million bucks, and I got a million ducks!". The bartender pauses and says... "Yeah, you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist..."

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Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

...he sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have."
The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.
"Hold on" says the bartender and hands over a guitar.
The octopus takes the guitar, gives it a quick tune and plays a little song. The man again asks the bartender to pay up.
"Just a minute, I think I've got something else here."
The bartender disappears into the back room for a couple of minutes, comes back out and puts a set of bagpipes down on the bar.
The octopus moves around it, looking confused, picking up the pipes one at a time and putting them back down until the man says, "what's wrong? Can't you play it?"
The octopus says, "play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

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The old man and his 3 wives

An old man at a bar tells the bartender, "I've had three wives but no luck. Unfortunately for me, all of my wives have passed away."

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry to hear that....how did your first wife die?"

"She ate poisonous mushrooms." Said the man.

The bartender gives his condolences then askes, "What about your second wife?"

The man again says, "She ate poisonous mushrooms."

The bartender questions asking the man about the third wife..."did the third wife eat poisonous mushrooms as well?" He finally asks.

"No, she was actually strangled to death." The old man said in response.

"Oh my gosh, why?!?" The bartender questioned in amazement.

"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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A woman walks into a bar...

she asks the bartender for a double entendre,

so he gives it to her.

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So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best bartender jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about bartender. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty bartender gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these bartender jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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