Bartender Jokes
147 bartender jokes and hilarious bartender puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bartender that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some hilarious jokes to tell your bartender? This article has got you covered! From classic bartender tips, April Fool's pranks to pirate, animal, nurse and cartoon jokes, you can get it all. As for the beer jokes, the barman will certainly have something to say about that. Don't forget the math jokes too. So have a laugh and enjoy!
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Funniest Bartender Short Jokes
Short bartender jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bartender humour may include short barkeeper jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... bear with me...
- A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"
- A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?
Credit to u/DrDerpberg - So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
- The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar" Two time travelers walk into a bar
- A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said... So he gave it to her.
- A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
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Bartender One Liners
Which bartender one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bartender? I can suggest the ones about barmaid and barista.
- A horse walked into a bar
Bartender: Hey
horse: Yes please - Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
- An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"
- A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints. - A deaf guy walks into a bar The bartender says
- So God, a Jew and a zombie walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"
- f(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions
- A hamburger walks into a bar.. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."
- Why was Sideshow Bob so jealous of Moe? He always wanted to be a bartender.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a bar The bartender sighs ugh, not you two again…
- Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
- I cheated on a girl that was a bartender. I hope she gives me another shot.
- Bart went into a bar and died. He met the Bartender
- A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar. Then they open for the day.
- Metroid and Zelda walk into a bar The bartender says that's not their name
Bartender Pirate Jokes
Here is a list of funny bartender pirate jokes and even better bartender pirate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar. The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"
- A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!" - A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day."
- A Pirate, Rabbi, Ninja, and Giraffe walk into a bar together. The bartender looks at all of them and asks out loud, "What is this? A joke?!"
- A pirate walks into a bar The bartender says to him:
"Hey pirate, are you aware there's a steering wheel coming from your zipper?"
The pirate replies:
"AARRGHH matey, it's drivin' me nuts!" - An Irish pirate with a 12 inch wiener walks into a bar and the bartender says "I don't even know how to label you!"
- A skeleton walks into a bar He walks up to the bartender and orders a beer and a mop.
(Credit goes to the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie but just wanted to share)
Bartender Animal Jokes
Here is a list of funny bartender animal jokes and even better bartender animal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A hideously ugly man with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar... The bartender asks "does the animal speak?"
The parrot replies "I don't know." - A horse walked into a bar... The bartender said Dear God!
Animal Control was called shortly thereafter - A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".
- An elephant walks into a bar... And the bartender calls animal control and everything works out for everyone.
- A cat sauntered in and sat at the bar. "Tuna", ordered the cat. "Salad or sandwich?" Asked The bartender. "What do you think I am a human?"
- A crab walks into a bar and asks for something to drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we do not serve food."
Bartender Tip Jokes
Here is a list of funny bartender tip jokes and even better bartender tip puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ok what's the difference between the Titantic and California? At least the lights were on when the Titanic sank.
Thank you, tip your bartenders ladies and gents….. - A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun... and fires it just missing the man. The man says thanks, leaves a tip, and walks out.
He had the hiccups - Why don't women tip bartenders? They don't give a tip because they take the tip.
Female Bartender Jokes
Here is a list of funny female bartender jokes and even better female bartender puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A dumb billionaire walks into a bar and orders a pint. The female bartender notices how attractive he is and slips him her number on a tissue. " Preposterous! I could get laid for this much!"
Entertaining Bartender Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about bartender you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bar patron jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bartender pranks.
Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
A man walks into a bar and says I'm here to drink my troubles away!
Well you've come to the right place. says the bartender, What'll it be?
The man replies One water please
Just a water??
Yeah, I have kidney stones.
A bear walks in to a bar and says, I'll have a gin and..........tonic. The bartender asks, Why the big pause? The bear looks down for a second and says, I don't know,
I guess I was just born this way.
A Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada
He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it
"A moose" replied the bartender
"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar
He walks up to the bartender and asks
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"
"Got any nails?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
A horse walks into a bar...
and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
Guy goes into a bar
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Only 75 cents."
A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…
How tall is a Penguin, this tall?
No, they're much shorter than that , he answers.
He looks to the man at his left- How tall is a penguin, this tall?
Nowhere near that tall! , says the other man.
The man puts his head in his hands.
The bartender, witnessing all of this asks the man Everything okay, Sir?
The man responds No, I just ran over a Nun .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar
Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"
The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**
The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says ***"Ok but I need you to pay for the other shots first"***
The guy looks the barman in the eye and says ***"It looks like the trouble has started"******.***
An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.
"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".
"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"
The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.
"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear goes into a bar
he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Small Head
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had s**... with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have s**... with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.
The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him No, but I would have done that in my prime.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill
The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.
The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...
... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"
Bartender: "Water."
Ramsay: "Fresh?"
Bartender: "No, frozen."
Ramsay: "Oh for f**...'s sake."
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.
The bartender asks Why is he called Tiny?
And the man replies Because he's my newt!
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
A drunk walks up to two priests...
A drunk walks up to two priests...
He says "I'm Jesus Christ."
The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not."
The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." ....
He leads them to a bar and walks inside.
The bartender takes one look at him and says, "Jesus Christ, you're here AGAIN?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face?
Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
A horse walks into a bar.
Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!"
Three logicians walk into a bar..
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
Wine
A gal walks into a bar and orders a bottle of wine. After she downs most of the bottle she tries to get the bartender's attention. "I used to be grapes!" she announces loudly. "What?" the confused bartender asks. "I'm sorry," she apologizes. "That must have been the wine talking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a s**....
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…
The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted m**...!"
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit What can I get you to drink .
The rabbit says I have no idea, I'm only here because of autocorrect .
Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----
Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink
The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
Pick a super power
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.
A dog walks into a bar
The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
But is it m**...?
A h**... detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a m**...?" "Well you can't be sure that's a m**...," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."
The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."
The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"
"Start? Today's the last day."
Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were sitting at a bar talking about where they were from.
The bartender said, "Hey - you two should write a book!"
A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please"
The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
...and the bartender said: we don't serve hypothetical faster-than-light particles here!
A tachyon walks into a bar...
A rope walked into a bar...
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar
The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."
He leaves without resistance.
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.
The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What hurts the worst?
A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the b**...?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a woman endures during birth." "Pure logic," the bartender replies. "You never see a man deciding two years later to go out and get kicked in the b**... again ..."
