Bartend Jokes
89 bartend jokes and hilarious bartend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bartend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bartend Short Jokes
Short bartend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bartend humour may include short waiter jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... bear with me...
- A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"
- A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?
Credit to u/DrDerpberg - So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
- The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar" Two time travelers walk into a bar
- A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said... So he gave it to her.
- A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
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Bartend One Liners
Which bartend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bartend? I can suggest the ones about tachyon and nightclub.
- A horse walked into a bar
Bartender: Hey
horse: Yes please - Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
- An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"
- A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints. - A deaf guy walks into a bar The bartender says
- So God, a Jew and a zombie walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"
- f(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions
- A hamburger walks into a bar.. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."
- Why was Sideshow Bob so jealous of Moe? He always wanted to be a bartender.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a bar The bartender sighs ugh, not you two again…
- Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
- I cheated on a girl that was a bartender. I hope she gives me another shot.
- Bart went into a bar and died. He met the Bartender
- A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar. Then they open for the day.
- Metroid and Zelda walk into a bar The bartender says that's not their name
Cheerful Bartend Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about bartend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pub jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bartend pranks.
Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night?
So they can't drive home.
The bartender says "we don't serve particles that disrupt time flow!"
A tachyon particle walks into a bar.......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bartender notices a hideous man at the bar surrounded by several hot women...
...the bartender said to him, "please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've seen. In fact, you are quite ugly. Now normally, I would think that these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir what is it about you that attracts all these b**...?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, " I haven't the faintest idea."
What did the bartender say to the angry speaker?
We don't want any treble
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the bartender say to the f**...?
"You're cut off."
Bartender asks a returning guest...
You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
Why did the bartender get fired?
He was doing a pour job
The bartender poured me a scotch and asked me what I thought of it.
I told her it was neat.
The bartender fainted.
Bartender and His Customers
A neurosurgeon, two Cubans, a fascist, a socialist, and a prisoner all walk into a bar together.
The bartender asks, "What's new?"
They all reply, "I'm running for president."
A bartender walks into...
...a church, a temple and a mosque.
He has no idea how jokes work.
What did the bartender say to the girl that tried to steal a drink?
It was worth a shot.
Why did the bartender put on a sweater?
She thought it was a little drafty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his v**... to fast?
Stop "Russian"
A bartender walks into a bar
The man said,
Why are you late.
The Bartender says, "This bar is for fortune tellers only."
Two skeptics walk into a bar.
A bartender walks into a church, a brothel and the zoo...
Trying to find the freaks that skipped out on their bar tabs.
a bartender walks into a bar
tender walks into a bar
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't make that here."
Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
He gets up and leaves.
He takes a seat and orders a Polynesian Pearl Diver.
I'm a bartender. Ladies always ask me if the sleep with me if they can get free beer. It's always sad that I have to tell them no
But it's worth a shot
A bartender walks into a stable
The horse says "Why the wrong place?"
And the bartender said...
"We don't serve time travellers".
A time traveller walked into the bar.
Saw this in a comment can't find it now, thought I share here.
The bartender asks the first one "What can I get you?"
Two race conditions walk into a bar.
I'm a bartender and part-time therapist.
There are far too many depressed alcoholics in my town.
The bartender said, "Haven't you been here before?"
A time traveler walked into a bar.
The bartender says, We don't serve time travelers in here.
"Since when?"
"The policy went into effect a year ago."
"OK, be right back"
"Sorry," says the bartender, "I've run out of jokes. Besides, haven't you got this backwards?"
A punchline walks into a bar.
The bartender walks into a bar
The bartender asks, "What are you having?", to which the bartender replies, "I should probably stop talking to myself before customers start arriving".
The bartender says, "We don't serve puns here."
"Woah," the puns says, "this place is no joke"
What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
Olive or twist?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the v**... in his screwdriver?
Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.
A bartender is serving drinks one night when a farmer comes in asking for a fork.
A while later another farmer comes in asking for another fork. After a little while longer a third farmer comes in asking for a straw.
Perplexed the bartender asks the farmer "why are you asking for a straw the other farmers asked for a fork"
To which the farmer responds "well someone threw up outside and all the lumpy bits are gone"
Heard this when I was a kid and still remember it
What did the bartender say to the villiage drunk?
I can't remember, I was totally wasted.
The bartender says 'Sorry, no time travel allowed in here!'
The Doctor walks into a bar.
Bartenders
they tend to get paid a lot
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend,
but he kept asking her for another shot.
The bartender says: "I'm sorry, but we don't serve FTL particles."
A tachyon walks into a bar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bartender asked why I carry a sword on me at the bar
I said "Mimics"
The bartender laughed, the patrons laughed, the table laughed, we killed the table.
It was a good time.
Why can bartenders always can take track of everything?
Because they always have a counter nearby.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bartender looks around his establishment and spots 2 Corinthians out of the corner of his eye...
He then shouts "HEY! WHERE THE f**...'S THE REST OF MY BIBLE!?"
A bartender walks into a bar
and says, I wonder what I'll see walk in today.
Why do all bartenders hate Jesus Christ?
Because all he orders is cups of water and then drinks for free.
Two men are talking in a bar
The first says: I bet you $100 that I can pee all over the bar and the bartend will smile.
The second man agrees.
So then the first man pees all over the bar and the bartender smiled.
After the second man pays the first man, he asks: How did you make the bartender smile?
I bet him $50 that I could pee in a shot glass and not miss a drop .
I saw the bartender pull a beer from a lever in the shape of a helix.
I asked him what beer that was and he said, "This is Spiral Tap."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation
What's got you down? the bartender asks.
Well, the man says sheepishly, I got fired for having s**... with my boss's daughter.
You old dog, the bartender chuckles. I understand why he'd be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you even know she was his daughter?
Not at all! He says. I didn't even know he had a daughter at that grade school.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve mojitos here."
The disappointed mojito gets up and walks out of the bar.
Bartender opens up early. Finds two customers already waiting. They sit down.
"So" says the bartender, "who's first?"
The chicken and the egg look at each other.
A bartender walks into a bar.
He's ready for the day to begin!
A bartender friend of mine was complaining about work AGAIN!
I told him, "Oh, just quit your winr-ing!"
What did the bartender say to the drunk onion?
Sorry but that's shallot.
My bartender asked me if I wanted my whiskey without ice.
I said "Sure. That'd be neat."
What'd the bartender say after pouring a beer with 1/4 inch of foam?
Pourfect
The bartender at my neighborhood pub calls me Kevin McAllister.
Because I'm always going Home Alone.
A bartender walks into a stable
A bartender walks into a stable and says "Why all the long faces?"
Why can't bartenders become drug dealers?
Because they only serve Pepsi!
Bartenders should get paid more
'Cause they pour
The bartender asked me if I wanted a menu
No thanks, I'm on a liquid diet. *Raises glass*
A bartender walks into a bar
demonstrating the danger of free beer.
What did the bartender say to Einstein when he walked in the bar at the speed of light?
Why the short face.....
A bartender walks into a joke writers convention.
No joke.
The bartender pours him a beer
A man who can move faster than the speed of light walks into a bar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tom Collins practical joke
A man would approach someone on the street and ask: "Have you seen Tom Collins?"
The stranger would say soemthing like: "No. I've never met him."
"Perhaps you had better do so because Tom's calling you names and telling people that you're a b**... thief."
This would upset the second man, who would run off trying to look for Tom Collins. But he didn't exist.
What did the bartender say to the scrap lumber?
Your cutoff
I want to be a bartender
Watch out Bart.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a bartender
Guy: One Mojito please
Me: Sure
Guy: Can you make it v**...?
Me (Holding back tears): Yes... yes I can
A bartender walks into a bar
He works there.
So the bartender asked, why do you have a time machine?
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Why wouldn't the bartender give a ghost a drink?
Because they didn't serve spirits.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the bartender offered me a Mountain Dew and then pointed gun at me saying drink or I'll pull the trigger
It was a Dew or Die situation
Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----
Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]
...and the bartender said: we don't serve hypothetical faster-than-light particles here!
A tachyon walks into a bar...
A bartender walked over to a table where two people were on a date
He spoke to the woman first- "Madame, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off. You both have clearly had too much to drink; your husband just slid under the table!"
The woman said "No, my husband just walked in the door!"
The bartender says: "Not you again"
Weatherman Phil Connors walks into the bar.
Happy Groundhog Day everyone!
