The Best 92 Bars Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bars jokes. There are some bars bartend jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bars clif puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bars Jokes and Puns

A non-observable electron...

...went into two bars...

Why don't spies meet at bars.

The beer is tapped. (Please develop this joke. I made it up last night whilst drinking, but nobody laughed.)

My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

Bars joke, My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, what does John have?

Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.


SEO Expert walks into a bar...

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"

"Nah, you're ugly"

Bars joke, A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap.

But then I came clean.

Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

3 Jokes about bars:

1.

A duck walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my bill."

2.

A typewriter walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my tab."

3.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Uh, and a mop."

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

You can explore bars conjecture reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bars best bars dad jokes. There are also bars puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


It is Fred's first day in prison.

After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.

Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."

Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."

"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"

Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.

Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.

"What happened?" he asks.

The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?

Because they had no bars on their cells!

Just been to the gym

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything – Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot..

A man walks into a bar....

and sees that the bars special drink is called the F5.So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks about why the drink is called the F5. The bartender responds,"Oh that's because it's so refreshing"

Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief.

Bars joke, Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief.

I like my women how I like my candy bars...

with nuts

Where do monkeys hang out?

At the monkey bars.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.


New machine at the gym.

They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it.

They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, you name it...

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

What's the worst part about swim-up bars?

The watery stools

There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

"Let Meowt!!!!"

I was going to use the new machine in the gym

But I found out it only sold protein bars

What's the best part about being an orphan?

All your chips and candy bars are family sized.

Why is cellphone reception so good in Wisconsin

Even the smallest towns have at least 4 bars

When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...

I have a couple twix up my sleeve

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

So a horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"

The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.

See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What's black and always behind bars?

Guinness

(You bunch of racists)

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, walks over to the piano, and sets his beer down on it. The piano man's monkey climbs over and pees directly into the glass of beer. The man says
"Hey, do you know your monkey peed in my glass?!?"
The piano man says
"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll play it for you."

Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes

Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars?

Because they're only there for the boos.

The men at gay bars are so polite...

Every time I stand up they offer to push in my stool.

I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors

Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking

I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand.

I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.

If we have "titty" bars in the US...

... do they have "facie" bars in the Middle East?

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

They say I play like a prison guitarist

I'm always behind a few bars, and I can never find the right keys

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...

They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.

its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

My friend told me that If he wasn't mixing cocktails, he'd be a criminal.

Either way, he's behind bars.

Dunno what this WiFi dude did

But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately

I've found my old Nokia phone so I connected it to a powerbank.

Powerbank is now full. Phone still has 3 bars.

What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?

One more

Dave and John walk in a market

Dave stole three Snickers bars and put them in his pocket. He said "I have such quick hands, no one ever caught me. I bet you can't do same". At the cashier desk, John says to the cashier " you wanna see some magic" he says "yeah" . John says bring me 3 Snickers bars. He brought them, John ate them. The cashier says "where is the magic in this?" John says "put your hand in this dude's pocket and take them out"

How are women like bars?

Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

"Sir, why do you want to divorce your wife?"

"She goes to bars and pubs every night."
"Are you lying to me?"
"No, she's looking for me"

Why are prisons banned from using Comcast Xfinity?

Because then their cells would have no bars.

My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

Why do Broward County Police Officers never go into bars?

They heard shots were inside.

What job can prisoners do?

Serving drinks, because it's working behind bars.

A black guy got braces and someone told him

"Man you so black even your teeth are behind bars."

My former drug dealer quit dealing and is now working as a bartender...

I always knew he'd end up behind bars.

Why were there no bars open during the Gold Rush?

It's illegal to sell alcohol to miners.

A drunk goes into a bar

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?

They're used to being behind bars.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist?

He couldn't handle bars.

So 6ix9ine walks into a bar

No he doesn't. He walks behind bars.

At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.

I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

I don't think I am. the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .

But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I'm a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst

You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.

Women can get Stoned though, no questions asked.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

With bars reopening, exotic dancers can once again bring home the bacon...

...but only one strip at a time.

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

Why do guys go to bars to meet women?

Go to target instead. The female to male ratio is 10-1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

It was very easy to escape from prison.

The WiFi was so bad that there were zero bars on my cell.

Why did the chicken tell jokes in bars?

Because she thought she was a stand up comedi-hen.

Sorry.

Gay bars have the most polite dudes I've ever met..

They always push in my stool for me.

please take me to the jail...

I hear prisoners in jail get drunk a lot

They hang around bars 24/7.

Why can't gay people rap?

Because they can't spit straight bars.

If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags

Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy

Did you know before they had Monkey bars

Monkeys would just drink at home.

Why don't calculus teachers go to bars?

Because they don't want to drink and derive.

How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle

Candy Bars

Who should really be behind bars?

Bartenders

I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn't that funny.

So I just snickered…

Sad News At The Nestle Factory

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

Joel Osteen, God and Satan walk into a bar

Never mind, the bars closed because Joel Osteen got a Four million dollar bailout and the bar didn't.

Why do bars tend to be the most haunted business?

because they're full of booze!

What do you call a town where no one drinks alcohol?

Jake Paul.

Since its got no bars.

I'm building a dating app exclusively for people working in bars

...look out for BarTinder

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bars gard jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bars barkeeper piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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