Bars Jokes
189 bars jokes and hilarious bars puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bars that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for the best bars jokes? From penguin bars to behind bars to gold bars, this collection of jokes will make any drinker or gym rat laugh out loud. Enjoy hours of conjecture from some of the funniest comedians around!
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Funniest Bars Short Jokes
Short bars jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bars humour may include short boxes jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
- My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places.... 24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
- Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... bear with me...
- The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup line... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.
- Two deer walk out of a gay bar One looks at the other and says, man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!
- It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
- A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"
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Bars One Liners
Which bars one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bars? I can suggest the ones about bins and border.
- Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
- Cardi B and bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don't remember the rest.
- A horse walked into a bar
Bartender: Hey
horse: Yes please - 12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar. Followed by Batman.
- A racist, an anti-semite and a black man walk into a bar Hey Kanye!
- An irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
- A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.
- The director of EA walks into a bar *Download the punchline for only 4.99*
- The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.
- Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
- An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
- So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar... and was immediately disqualified.
- A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
- A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - comedy removed due to complaints -
- What do you call a line at the gay bar? An LGBT queue.
Best Bars Jokes
Here is a list of funny best bars jokes and even better best bars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the best pick up line at a gay bar? "May I push your stool in."
- Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday. - What is the best pickup line at a gay bar? Let me push your stool in for you.
^^I'm^sorry. - What's the best part about being an orphan? All your chips and candy bars are family sized.
- Two guys meet at a bar. "My wife ran off with my best friend Peter..." "Oh no, when did this happen?"
"Yesterday."
"And since when is Peter your best friend?"
"Yesterday!" - What would be the best way to visually depict the number of nightclubs in my city? I'm thinking I should use a bar graph.
- Harambe walks into a bar Bartender: What can I get for you?
Harambe: Just ice for Harambe.
Bartender: Sorry, we're out of ice. Best I can give you is a shot. - A rat along with two of his best buddies walk into a bar the bar had to be shut down due to health violations.
- I bet my buddy a beer I could make the bar tender laugh with one of my 10 best jokes. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- A ventriloquist walks into a bar... He walks up to the barman and says 'Hey, I'm a ventriloquist'
Barman: Oh yeah? Are you any good?
Barman: I'm the best
Behind Bars Jokes
Here is a list of funny behind bars jokes and even better behind bars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A person with an art degree walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
- My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal." Now he's behind bars.
- I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
- My friend told me that If he wasn't mixing cocktails, he'd be a criminal. Either way, he's behind bars.
- What job can prisoners do? Serving drinks, because it's working behind bars.
- A man walks up to a bald guy in a bar, rubs his head and says "Smooth. Just like my wife's behind." The bald guy reaches up and rubs his head. "Wow. You're right." he replies.
- A joke my Grandmother told me today. So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter Is the bar tender here?
- Two drunks walk into a bar. Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.
- My former drug dealer quit dealing and is now working as a bartender... I always knew he'd end up behind bars.
- They say I play like a prison guitarist I'm always behind a few bars, and I can never find the right keys
Gold Bars Jokes
Here is a list of funny gold bars jokes and even better gold bars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Gold and Silver walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"
So Gold left. - Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in. Silver yells " au, get outta here! "
- Kim Jong Un walked into a bar The North Korean media still said he got a gold for high jump
- Two Jewish guys walk into a bar with a funny looking pile of gold. The bartender asks, "What is this, a racist joke?"
One of the jewish guys say, "No, this is comedy gold!" - Gold walks into a bar the bartender yells, AU!
- A gold brick walks into a bar... ...bartender says "AU, We don't serve your type here!"
- So an Olympian walks into a bar... and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.
- Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!" Gold said "Aukay"
Potassium said "K"
Sodium said "Na"
Argon didn't react. - A scientist drops a bar of gold on his foot by mistake... "Au!", he exclaimed.
- So a gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two point deduction and loses his chances at the gold.
Monkey Bars Jokes
Here is a list of funny monkey bars jokes and even better monkey bars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know before they had Monkey bars Monkeys would just drink at home.
- Where do chimps go for a night out? The monkey bars....
- Where do monkeys hang out? At the monkey bars.
- Where did the alcohol on the Planet of the Apes come from? monkey bars
- Wanna know why those baboons are always drinking in the park? It's the only place with monkey bars.
- Another tale from the bar. A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a monkey, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
- Why did the banana not enjoy the playground? He was scared of the monkey bars.
- Three monkeys walk into bar. They all order drinks, drink them and leave.
It was bananas. - A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey
- 2 gay monkeys walk into a bar... [insert punchline]
Penguin Bars Jokes
Here is a list of funny penguin bars jokes and even better penguin bars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!" - A man runs into a bar and shouts, Quick! How tall is a penguin?! The bartender says, Depends. Less than 3 feet.
The man cries out, Oh my God! I just drove over a nun! - A priest, a rabbi and penguin walk into a bar IT'S THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
- An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.
- Three penguins walk into a bar Three penguins walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Fellas! Who's getting married?!
- Some Penguins Went to a Bar Waddle they do next?
- A Penguin walks into a bar... Bartender says Hey listen, these things don't fly around here .
- A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says to the bouncer, "Seriously, Frankie, why are we even paying you?"
- A penguin walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Hey, I'm looking for my brother. Have you seen him?"
The bartender says "I don't know. What's he look like?" - What does a penguin lawyer order at a bar? Just ice
Silly & Ridiculous Bars Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about bars you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bars pranks.
A non-observable electron...
...went into two bars...
Why don't spies meet at bars.
The beer is tapped. (Please develop this joke. I made it up last night whilst drinking, but nobody laughed.)
My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, what does John have?
Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.
SEO Expert walks into a bar...
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
I used to be addicted to having s**... with bars of soap.
But then I came clean.
Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...
You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.
3 Jokes about bars:
1.
A duck walks into a bar.
He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my bill."
2.
A typewriter walks into a bar.
He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my tab."
3.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
He says "Give me a beer. Uh, and a mop."
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?
Because they had no bars on their cells!
Job at a Cadbury's factory ..
>I had a job putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,
>"Oh packing fudge are we?"
>Or
>"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
>Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.
>I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
TBH. I don't get the joke and it's annoying me. Can someone explain the obvious wordplay I'm missing??
Just been to the gym
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything – Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot..
A man walks into a bar....
and sees that the bars special drink is called the F5.So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks about why the drink is called the F5. The bartender responds,"Oh that's because it's so refreshing"
Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief.
"Now then" said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot.....
"I would like to know two things: First: why did you revolt? Second: how did you get out of our cell?" One of the three men stepped forward "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful". "I see. And the cell, what did you use to break the bars?" "Toast" replied the leader,
I like my women how I like my candy bars...
with nuts
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" p**...! The horse disappears.
What kind of bars do lesbian Eskimos go to?
Klondike Bars
New machine at the gym.
They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it.
They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, you name it...
New machine at the gym
There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.
What's the worst part about swim-up bars?
The watery stools
There was a new machine at the gym...
After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...
What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?
"Let Meowt!!!!"
I was going to use the new machine in the gym
But I found out it only sold protein bars
Why is cellphone reception so good in Wisconsin
Even the smallest towns have at least 4 bars
When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...
I have a couple twix up my sleeve
I steal candy bars using slight of hand...
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
So a horse walks into a bar...
So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"
The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.
See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What's black and always behind bars?
Guinness
(You bunch of racists)
The pun-ishment of notes
When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, walks over to the piano, and sets his beer down on it. The piano man's monkey climbs over and pees directly into the glass of beer. The man says
"Hey, do you know your monkey peed in my glass?!?"
The piano man says
"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll play it for you."
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?
Andy has diabetes
Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars?
Because they're only there for the boos.
The men at gay bars are so polite...
Every time I stand up they offer to push in my stool.
I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors
Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking
I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand.
I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.
If we have "t**..." bars in the US...
... do they have "facie" bars in the Middle East?
If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?
Type 2 diabetes
I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...
They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.
Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.
its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years
I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...
They hang around bars 24/7.
Dunno what this WiFi dude did
But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately
I've found my old Nokia phone so I connected it to a powerbank.
Powerbank is now full. Phone still has 3 bars.
What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?
One more
Dave and John walk in a market
Dave stole three Snickers bars and put them in his pocket. He said "I have such quick hands, no one ever caught me. I bet you can't do same". At the cashier desk, John says to the cashier " you wanna see some magic" he says "yeah" . John says bring me 3 Snickers bars. He brought them, John ate them. The cashier says "where is the magic in this?" John says "put your hand in this dude's pocket and take them out"
How are women like bars?
Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.
An accused criminal is brought before a judge...
The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"
"Sir, why do you want to divorce your wife?"
"She goes to bars and pubs every night."
"Are you lying to me?"
"No, she's looking for me"
Why are prisons banned from using Comcast Xfinity?
Because then their cells would have no bars.
My childhood was effectively over at 11.
That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.
Why do Broward County Police Officers never go into bars?
They heard shots were inside.
A black guy got braces and someone told him
"Man you so black even your teeth are behind bars."
I've been playing this new game on my phone quite a bit lately
It's called Verizon: Zero Bars.
Why were there no bars open during the Gold Rush?
It's i**... to sell alcohol to miners.
A drunk goes into a bar
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?
They're used to being behind bars.
I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.
Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist?
He couldn't handle bars.
So 6ix9ine walks into a bar
No he doesn't. He walks behind bars.
At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.
I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*p**...*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I'm a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Islamic pubs and bars are the worst
You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.
Women can get s**... though, no questions asked.
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.
With bars reopening, exotic dancers can once again bring home the bacon...
...but only one s**... at a time.
2 dudes walk into a bar....
half way through drinking they realize that they dont have money.
guy 1 pulls out a hot dog and say I have a idea. they start to "play" with the hot dog.
the bartender wasn't having any of it and kicked them out.
guys 2 thought to go to a couple more bars and they keep pulling the hot dog trick.
by the end of the night they're smashed. Guy 2 say "hey I'm hungry, you still got that hot dog?"
guy 1 says, "dude, I lost that's thing 4 bars ago".
Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women?
Go to target instead. The female to male ratio is 10-1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.
It was very easy to escape from prison.
The WiFi was so bad that there were zero bars on my cell.
Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail
He was behind bars
Why did the chicken tell jokes in bars?
Because she thought she was a stand up comedi-hen.
Sorry.
