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Barmaid Jokes

18 barmaid jokes and hilarious barmaid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about barmaid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Barmaid Short Jokes

Short barmaid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The barmaid humour may include short barkeep jokes also.

  1. A barmaid named gail There once was a barmaid named Gail
    On her chest was tattooed the prices of ale.
    And on her behind,
    For the sake of the blind,
    Was the same thing written, in braille.
  2. A sergeant and two men from his unit walk into a bar 'Would you like to play pool?' The sergeant asked the attractive barmaid.
    'No thanks darling' she replies. 'I'd rather play with your privates.'
  3. A Limerick There once was a barmaid in Salles,
    On her chest wrote the price of ale.
    And on her behind,
    For the sake of the blind,
    Was the same information in Braille.
  4. There was a young barmaid from Yale.. On whose bust was written the prices of ale
    And on her behind
    For the sake of the blind
    Was exactly the same, but in braille.
  5. What’s the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
    A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
    A barmaid at night is bare and...
  6. How can you tell when the barmaid is not happy with you? There is a string hanging out of your b**... mary.

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Barmaid One Liners

Which barmaid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with barmaid? I can suggest the ones about barman and bar patron.

  1. A man asked a barmaid for a double entendre... So she gave him one
  2. Barmaid: Would you like some wine? Descartes: I think not. Then he vanishes.
  3. Lee Sin goes into a bar... the chairs, tables and the barmaid.
  4. What do r**... victims and barmaids have in common... They both love getting a big tip.

Laughable Barmaid Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about barmaid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bartender pirate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make barmaid pranks.

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...

After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"
The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."
The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"
The guy goes "I'm dyslexic so it's taking me a while to get through the 3rd paragraph."

A man walks into a bar....

...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

Guy walks into a bar...

There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, h**... - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the h**... happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch? sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull s**... into my eye there once.
The barmaid responds: „What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from this?!
„Yes that is true.. answers the pirate, „..but at that point I only had the hook since 3 days.

A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the h**... happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch? sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull s**... into my eye there once.
The barmaid responds: „What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from this?!
„Yes that is true.. answers the pirate, „..but at that point I only had the hook since 3 days.

I'm not Deaf

I shouted to the barmaid, Two pints of lager please.
She said, I'm not deaf.
I said, Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.

Three vampires enter a dim bar in Kent.

The barmaid asks "What'll you have gentlemen?"
Flashing his best spooky grin, the first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood"  When she asks second vampire, he says,"Glass of blood please"  She looks at the third vampire and he smirks and says, "I'll take a glass of plasma"
She shrugs and yells down the bar  "Two bloods and a blood lite". 

A bear walks into a bar...

First thing he does is gobble up the barmaid. Then he orders a beer. Bartender says sorry, we don't serve bears on drugs. The bear protests but the bartender says hey, that was the barbitchyouate.

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter.
'What would you like to drink sir?' asked the barmaid.
'I dunno', said the man.
'Okay. How about whisky?' she asked.
'Nah', replied the man.
'Gin?'
'No'
v**...?'
'Don't make me laugh'
'Rum?'
'Nope'
'Tequila?'
'Pass'
'Brandy?'
'Now that's the spirit!'