Barkeep Jokes
66 barkeep jokes and hilarious barkeep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about barkeep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Barkeep Short Jokes
Short barkeep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The barkeep humour may include short barmaid jokes also.
- Three logicians walk into a bar. The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?"
The first one answers: "I don't know."
The second one answers: "I don't know."
The third one answers: "Yes!" - The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?" But Argon doesn't react.
- A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink called "Innuendo". So the barkeeper gives it to her.
- A woman sits in a bar and orders a cocktail named "Double Enténdre" So the barkeeper gives it to her.
- A Baby Seal Walks Into a Bar, Goes up to the bar and the barkeep asks, 'What would you like?'
Baby Seal says, 'Anything but a Canadian Club on the Rocks.' - A lynx walks into a bar A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a...
...
...
Jackrabbit."
The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?" - An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go inside a pub The barkeep says "What's this, some kind of joke?"
- Deputies Tahoma and Arial push open the swinging doors saunter into the bar, and the barkeep looks up and says, "You two better Vamoose!" "There's a new Serif in town."
- A Proton sits in a bar and orders his 7th drink. The barkeep asks "you sure?" And the Proton replies
"Yeah man, I just caught my wife cheating, I need to forget...". - A neutron walks into a bar He asks, "How much for a drink?"
The barkeep replied, "For you, no charge."
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Barkeep One Liners
Which barkeep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with barkeep? I can suggest the ones about bar patron and bar room.
- What do barkeepers and beekeepers have in common? That constant buzz around them.
- Barkeeper: Do you want a beer for your wife? Me: Sounds like a fair trade!
- A Pikachu walks out of a bar... and the barkeeper yells "Bye, catch you later!".
- why did the barkeeper kill Homer Simpson's son? because he was a bartender
- OMV Austria The Ultimate fighting Barkeeper The one Man fighter, fight alone
Witty Barkeep Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about barkeep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bartenders serve jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make barkeep pranks.
Bar peanuts...
A man sits down at a bar. A basket of peanuts is nearby and tells him, "Hey man, you're looking great tonight!"
The man says, "Thanks, peanuts!"
The peanuts reply, "Also, I really love your outfit!"
The man responds, "Thanks, so nice of you"
The peanuts tell him, "You are one of the coolest guys I have ever met!"
The man is flattered and calls over to the bartender.
"Hey barkeep, these peanuts sure are kind."
The bartender replies, "They sure should be, they're complimentary"
Robert walks into the bar down the street from his house...
He proceeds to drink his fill and is quite drunk, tries to stand up, gets his feet and proceeds to fall face first onto the floor. Jake the barkeep says "Robert can I help you get home?" No No Robert replies, my wife will be home in the morning and I need to get home so she doesn't she suspect anything. So Robert crawls to the door gets to his feet and proceeds to fall flat on his face. The barkeep again asks "Robert let me help you get home" Robert's reply I'll manage and the door closes. Robert proceeds to crawl down the street all the way to his house, up the stairs and into bed all before his wife gets home.
Robert wakes up the next morning to his wife with a stern look on her face. Robert knowing that he got home before her asks "what?" She says I see you were at the bar drinking last night and were quite drunk. Robert perplexed at how she knew this asks "how did you know?" His wife replies "Jake called this morning to say that you forgot your wheel chair at the bar last night..."
A man walks into a bar...
He goes up to the barkeep and orders a beer, the bartender walks out back to refill the kegs. while the man is drinking he hears a voice, 'that's a very nice tie you're wearing' the man looks around wildly and yells to the bartender 'oi! did you say anything?'
the bartender replies, 'no!' sitting back down the man decides that he was hearing things and continues drinking, again he hears a voice, 'you have lovely shoes' the man stands up and again asks the bartender if he said anything, the bartender says 'I didn't say nothin' why do ya ask?'
the man replies, 'well I keep hearing these complements every now and then and I haven't even drunken half a glass, where are these complements coming from?'
'Oh' says the bartender, 'the nuts are complementary'
Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
An Irishman is new to town.
He walks into the local pub and sits at the bar he order three pints of Guiness. All at once. He sits at the bar drinking the three pints alone. The bartender thinks it is strange but doesn't ask questions. This happens every week for a few months until curiosity get the better of the barkeep and he asks about the three pints of Guiness.
The Irishman answers, "one is for my brother in Dublin, one is for my brother is Kilkenny, and the other is for me. I miss them terribly and I like to think I'm having a pint with them as if we were together back at home."
After about a year of this routine the barkeep sees the Iriashman come in and starts to pour the three pints. The Irishman interrupts, "Just two today." And he sits at the bar and drinks only two beers.
The barkeep is very concerned and after a few weeks of this finally asks, "Are your brothers are they okay, was there a death?"
"Oh no, nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala walks into a bar
A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a p**... who is waiting for him. That night he has the best s**... he has ever had. After the p**... turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the p**... brought out a dictionary and it said...p**...: Has s**... for money.
So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.
Jar Full of $10 Bills
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"
A pony walks into a bar...
... "Give me a drink", he says to the barkeep, "I'm a little hoarse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...
He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"
The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"
"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a v**... Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.
Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...
And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!"
And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!"
And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola."
The other two turn to him like he's crazy and say, "what, you aren't going to order Guinness?"
To which he replies, "well if you two aren't going to order beer, neither am I!"
An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar... (credit goes to my buddy Rob from university)
.. they each order a pint of beer. The american finds a fly in his, and yells out so the whole bar hears, "This is disgusting, I'm outta here!" and storms out of the bar.
The Enlishman also finds a fly in his beer, but he politely asks the barkeep for another beer, if it's not too much trouble.
The Irishman.. he also finds a fly drowning in his beer (seriously? yeah seriously. It's a filthy bar). He picks it up by the wing, holds it over the glass and yells "Spit it oot!"
A man rushes into a bar...
The young barkeep asks him what he wants.
"A whiskey, as quick as you can!"
The barkeep brings it to him and the man downs it straight away.
"Another! make it a double"
The barkeep once again obliges and the man downs it again.
"Bring me another double, and a triple chaser"
The barkeep, a bit shocked, once again obliges and again the man downs both.
The barkeep, now getting curious, says to him.
"Excuse me sir, why are you drinking so much so quickly?"
He responds, "If you had what I had, you'd be doing the same!"
The barkeep asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what have you got?"
The man responds...
"No money!"
A drunk walks into a library
Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The night's winding down, and all the customers have left except for this one drunk.
Bartender: Hey man, you should get going, go back home and get some sleep.
The drunk leaves through the back door of the establishment and, as the bartender is cleaning up, comes back in through the front 10 minutes later.
Bartender: Hey man, I just kicked you out, we're closing for the night!
The drunk leaves through the back, and not five minutes after the bartender locks the front door, the drunk comes and knocks.
Bartender:d**..., didn't I just tell you-
Drunk:Hey, barkeep! How many bars do you work at anyway?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear walks into a bar...
He bruskly orders a beer.
Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."
"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."
Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I'll kill her and eat her up."
Barkeep looks a bit bewildered, but replies, "You do what you gotta do. We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear stands up, kills and eats the woman. He returns to the barkeep.
Before the bear can say anything the barkeep raises a hand and says, "... And we don't serve drug addicts either."
It's the bear's turn to look bewildered, "What do you mean drug addict?"
Barkeep looks bemused, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi and that," motioning to what remained of the woman, "was a bar-b**...-you-ate."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama walks into a bar.....
Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.
Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"
"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."
"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were t**... hotspots not too long ago?"
"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."
"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"
"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."
Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:
"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.
A man walks into a bar
sits down and says to the barkeep "I need a shot and a beer before the fight." Barkeep obliges the man with a drink. The man says to the barkeep " I need another shot and a before the fight." Barkeep thinks to himself, this must be a bad fight, and gives the man another shot and beer. The man downs his shot and chases it with the beer and asks for another shot and beer before the fight. Now the barkeep is curious and asks "Sir, you must be in a bad situation. What is this fight all about?" The man replies "I haven't got any money on me"
Sorry if this has been posted before. Heard it several years ago and it's stuck with me since then.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....
and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"
The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!"
"on the count of three" says the bartender.
"one"
"two"
"three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.
A man is staring into his whiskey
The barkeep asks if something's the matter.
"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."
"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.
"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."
A Rope Walks into a Bar
A rope walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. "We don't serve rope here" says the barkeep
Next day, same bar, rope walks in, sits down and asks for a beer. "I told you yesterday, rope, we don't serve your kind in here"
Next day, same rope, same bar. Before the rope walks in, he grabs some scissors, cuts and unravels his hair, loops himself and cinches his belt tight, walks in confidently and asks for a beer
"Ain't you that rope I've been throwing out of here all week?" Said the bartender
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A well dressed gentlemen walks into a bar...
"I would like a 12 year old brandy, please" The barkeep pours him a drink, he takes a sip, and immediately spits it out. "This brandy is only 10 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior brandy!"
The barman apologizes and offers another drink, on the house of course. "I'll have a 15 year old Scotch." He takes a sip, spits out, and proclaims "This Scotch is only 12 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior Scotch! I'll give you one more chance: I would like a 30 year old port wine."
Before the barman can react, a man at the end of the bar asks him to give a drink he has to the well-dressed man. The man takes a sip, spits it out, and proclaims "my lord, this tastes like u**...!" The man at the end says, "It is, now tell me how old I am."
A man walks into a bar ...
And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In honor of HRH on her birthday
A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does.
"I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies.
"Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep asks.
"After so much in-breeding to keep the bloodlines pure, I'm working with some of the stupidest, most stubborn things on Earth." the dog trainer says.
"Ah, I can see how that'd be frustrating."
"You want to know the worst part of it all? The dogs aren't that bright either."
A dog walks into this bar..
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Koala walks into a bar...
So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs
So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of p**... in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does s**... acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."
A Space Marine walks into a bar.
He says to the grizzled, portly barkeeper, "Bring me two beers." Seeing that he is alone, the barkeep asks him 'Why two?' The Space Marine chuckles and replies, "Simple, my friend. One for me, and one FOR THE EMPEROR!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar.
The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"
An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar
They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"
john wick walks into a bar
Two red necks immediately get on his case,he turns to the barkeep and say's, can I borrow your pencil?
Guy walks into a bar out west
It's deserted except for the barkeep.
"Where's everybody?" the guy asks.
"Down at the town square. There's a hangin' today."
"Yeah? Who they hangin'?"
"Brown Paper Jack."
"Why do they call him that?"
"Well, everything about him is brown paper...chaps, shirt, hat, belt--he even rides with a saddle made out of brown paper."
"Yeah? What are they hangin' him for?"
"Rustlin'."
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alien arrives on Earth
and goes to communicate with humans.
He enters a bar, men there are drinking v**....
"I am from Sirius" alien starts.
"Hey, barkeep! Pour Sirius a shot"
Everyone drinks a shot, after a while alien starts again:
"You didn't understand me. I am from Sirius"
"Hey, bartender! Pour Sirius another one"
After the second shot already slightly drunk alien starts again:
"Didn't you understand? I am an alien"
Men looks between them and yells to the bartender:
"Sirius had enough. He is drunk already"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An MMO party walked into a bar
The barkeep asked why they carried their weapons in the bar
the party leader said "mimics"
The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed.
We killed that table. It was a good time.
Two nuns and a penguin walk into a bar…
…the barkeep points at the penguin and says, "You're in the wrong joke".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind guy walks into a bar.
He sits down, orders a beer and after a while asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke. The barkeep replies, "Before you say anything else, you should probably know that I'm a blonde. So is the woman sitting next to you. There are also a couple of blondes playing pool behind you, one of them is twice your size. So, you still wanna tell the joke?" The blind guy pauses for a second, then shakes his head and replies, "Goodness, no. I don't want to have to explain it four times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Black dude walks into a bar....
He's got a parrot on his shoulder. The Barkeep says, "Where'd you get that?" And the parrot says, "Africa, they got millions of them down there!"
A man in a business suit walks into a bar during normal working hours
He yells "Barkeep! I'll have a shot and a beer"
Bartender pours his drinks and slides them over to the man.
The man pounds the shot and takes a sip of his beer. He smiles at the barkeeper and says, "That's certainly refreshing after the day I've had"
The Bartender replies, "I was wondering why a man in a suit like yours was drinking in a bar like mine at 2pm"
The man replies, "I just got laid off from my job as store manager selling European luxury goods. Whole store is shutting down"
The bartender says, "I'm sorry to hear that; but you seem to still be in good spirits"
The man shrugs and says, "Well when one Dior closes; another opens"
A man walks into a bar
After being blinded by the bar lights, he finds a seat and asks the barkeep for a beer. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no beer. Annoyed, but still thirsty, the man asks for a shot of whiskey. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no liquor on the premises. Infuriated that the bar has neither beer nor whiskey, the man exclaims You're the worst barkeep around, what kind of bar is this?! . The barkeep responds, You walked into a bar son, hit your head pretty bad. This is a hospital .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy rides into a new town,
and stops at the first saloon he sees.
Walks in, and is surprised that the whole place is empty except for the bartender polishing some glasses.
So he asks, "Where is everyone?"
Barkeep looks up from his busy work and replies, "Well, probably at the hanging."
Cowboy asks, "Who you all hanging?
Bartender replies, "Ol' Paper Bag Pete."
"Peculiar name.", says the cowboy.
"Yep", replies the bartender. "He was a peculiar fellow. Made his shirts out of paper bags, his pants out of paper bags...heck, even his boots out of paper bags."
"That is strange, but don't seem i**.... What is he being hanged for?" asked the cowboy
Bartender took a deep breath, "Rustlin'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**..., Himmler, Goebbles...
... walks into a bar. Goebbles ask the bartender where the bathroom is. The barkeep says down that hall it's the third r**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cute little duck waddles into a bar.
Hey barkeep can I have a flippen r**... and coke?
You can use fowl language you know...say's the barkeep, You are a duck after all.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi, priest, and an imam walk into a bar.
"Never mind, you guys wouldn't get it," the barkeep says.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pumpkin, a zucchini, and a seed walk into a bar.
The barkeep asks the pumpkin what she'd like to drink.
b**... Mary, she says.
The barkeep asks the zucchini for her order.
I'm having a hard cider, the zucchini says.
The barkeep turns to the seed, and both the pumpkin and zucchini say, Oh, don't serve our friend anything.
Why not?
Can't you tell? asks the zucchini, She's already out of her gourd!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."
"And, cushions would have r**... the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."
A German 6 walks into a bar
The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture
The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.
I said 'Mimics.'
The party laughed.
The barkeep laughed.
The table laughed.
We killed the table. Good times.
A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.
A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do you know how dangerous time travel is? Who knows what I might have changed if I hadn't been so careful. I might have caused a second world war."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man with a harelip sits down at the bar
Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please , he says. One thcoth and thoda, comin' up , says the barkeep. Hey! says the guy with the harelip, are you teathin' me? No way! says the bartender, thath juth the way I talk! . Another guy comes in and sits down. I'd like a scotch and soda, please . One scotch and soda, coming up , says the bartender. I thought you thaid you weren't teathin' me! , says the first guy. I'm not teathin' you , replied the bartender, I'm teathin' him!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. Flatery walks into a pub
Mr. Flatery walks into a pub, bartender looks up and says "That's quite a shiner you have there, who gave that to you?" "Mr. Falstaf gave it to me" he replied. "That's quite a bute, did he have anything in his hand when he gave that to you?" Asked the barkeep"Aye, he had a shovel in his hand, he did" replied Mr. Flatery. "And what did you have in your hand?" asked the barkeep. "Mrs. Falstaf's t**..." replied Mr Flatery, "A beautiful thing it is, but not much help in a fight
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun walks into a bar
Everyone else in the bar starts staring at her, but they were silent.
The nun is confused about it and starts walking towards the bartender.
"Hey uhm why are they staring at me like that?" she asks the bartender
"Well we don't usually get nuns around here" the barkeep replies
"What? Oh s**... I'm still in costume!" the nun exclaims, "I'm actually a bus driver..."
Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
