Witty Barkeep Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
Two vampires are sitting in a bar...
and the barkeep comes up and asks, "what can I get for you guys?"
The first vampire says, "I'll just have a glass of blood"
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of hot water"
The first vampire is rather confused and says to the second vampire, "hot water? This place has the best blood in town!"
The second vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm having tea"
Jar Full of $10 Bills
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"
A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...
He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"
The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"
"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a v**... Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.
A drunk walks into a library
Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"
Pirate walks into bar. Barkeep notices a steering wheel attached to the pirate's groin, asks about it.
"Aarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Obama walks into a bar.....
Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.
Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"
"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."
"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were t**... hotspots not too long ago?"
"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."
"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"
"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."
Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:
"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.
My buddy's first b**...
My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first b**..."
Bartender replies, "First b**... eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"
Pirate Walks into a bar...
Bartender says - "Hey Pirate..." The Pirate walks over to the barkeep, and gives him a nod. The bartender says, "I don't mean to embarass you, but I noticed you've got a steering wheel attached to your c**...." The pirate looks down and says "ArrrH I know, and it be drivin me nuts!"
A man is staring into his whiskey
The barkeep asks if something's the matter.
"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."
"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.
"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."
White Horse
A white horse walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He moves aside, minds his own business; but the barkeep hasn't had such an unusual patron for a long time. He's curious.
He ransacks his brain, and can't come up with a better line than... "you know, there's a whiskey named after you?"
And the white horse replies:
"What? Eric?"
You can explore barkeep saloon reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean barkeep downs dad jokes. There are also barkeep puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man walks into a bar ...
And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."
So a bear walks into a bar...
So a bear walks into a bar and sits at a bar stool.
"What'll it be?" says the barkeep.
The bear responds with, "I'll have a gin and.......................tonic.".
"What's with the big pause?" asks the barkeep.
The bear, surprised, exclaims, "I'm a bear!!!"
A dog walks into this bar..
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. . .
. . .and orders a beer. When he finishes is, the barkeep asks "Have another?" Descartes replies "I think not."
. . .and p**.... He vanishes.
A Koala walks into a bar...
So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs
So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of p**... in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does s**... acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."
A Space Marine walks into a bar.
He says to the grizzled, portly barkeeper, "Bring me two beers." Seeing that he is alone, the barkeep asks him 'Why two?' The Space Marine chuckles and replies, "Simple, my friend. One for me, and one FOR THE EMPEROR!"
A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar.
The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"
An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar
They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"
So a horse walks into a bar...
So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"
The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.
See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A lynx walks into a bar
A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a...
...
...
Jackrabbit."
The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go inside a pub
The barkeep says "What's this, some kind of joke?"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.
The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"
The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and c**... his beer.
The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"
Guy walks into a bar out west
It's deserted except for the barkeep.
"Where's everybody?" the guy asks.
"Down at the town square. There's a hangin' today."
"Yeah? Who they hangin'?"
"Brown Paper Jack."
"Why do they call him that?"
"Well, everything about him is brown paper...chaps, shirt, hat, belt--he even rides with a saddle made out of brown paper."
"Yeah? What are they hangin' him for?"
"Rustlin'."
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
A Baby Seal Walks Into a Bar,
Goes up to the bar and the barkeep asks, 'What would you like?'
Baby Seal says, 'Anything but a Canadian Club on the Rocks.'
An MMO party walked into a bar
The barkeep asked why they carried their weapons in the bar
the party leader said "mimics"
The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed.
We killed that table. It was a good time.
A ghost floats into a bar
He stops at the bar and says Barkeep, I'll take a glass of your finest wine.
The bartender doesn't respond.
The ghost is angered and says, Your finest wine, or I'm going to haunt your bar.
Still no response from the bartender.
The ghost says, Hey buddy, what's your problem??
The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve spirits here.
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.
He shouts to the barkeep Five drinks please
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..
So a baby seal walks into a bar...
and the barkeep says "What'll ya have little fella?" and the seal says "Anything but the Canadian club."
A Black dude walks into a bar....
He's got a parrot on his shoulder. The Barkeep says, "Where'd you get that?" And the parrot says, "Africa, they got millions of them down there!"
Rene Descartes walked in to a bar.
Barkeep asks " Do you want a drink?"
Descartes says "I think not," and p**.... He's gone.
A pirate walks into a bar...
A pirate walks into a bar, dits down and orders a drink. The barkeep obliges and brings a drink for the pirate, and he notices there is a steering wheel in thenpirwtes pants.
The barkeep was too curious to not inquire what was going on. "Excuse me sir, can I ask why there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responding, "Arrggg, I not be sure, but it's driving me nuts."
A man runs into a bar...
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."
A sailor walks into a bar
The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."
A rabbi, priest, and an imam walk into a bar.
"Never mind, you guys wouldn't get it," the barkeep says.
A duck walks into a bar....
He orders a few items from the menu, and decides on what he wants. After awhile the barkeep brings the food to the counter and the duck begins eating.
When the duck gets done, the barkeep asks the duck: How you wanna pay for this today?
The duck says: Put it all on my bill.
"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."
"And, cushions would have r**... the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."
A German 6 walks into a bar
The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture
The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.
I said 'Mimics.'
The party laughed.
The barkeep laughed.
The table laughed.
We killed the table. Good times.
A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.
A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do you know how dangerous time travel is? Who knows what I might have changed if I hadn't been so careful. I might have caused a second world war."
3 logicians walk into a bar
The barkeep says, do you all want a drink?
The first one says I don't know
The second one says I don't know
The third one says yes
A man with a harelip sits down at the bar
Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please , he says. One thcoth and thoda, comin' up , says the barkeep. Hey! says the guy with the harelip, are you teathin' me? No way! says the bartender, thath juth the way I talk! . Another guy comes in and sits down. I'd like a scotch and soda, please . One scotch and soda, coming up , says the bartender. I thought you thaid you weren't teathin' me! , says the first guy. I'm not teathin' you , replied the bartender, I'm teathin' him!
Mr. Flatery walks into a pub
Mr. Flatery walks into a pub, bartender looks up and says "That's quite a shiner you have there, who gave that to you?" "Mr. Falstaf gave it to me" he replied. "That's quite a bute, did he have anything in his hand when he gave that to you?" Asked the barkeep"Aye, he had a shovel in his hand, he did" replied Mr. Flatery. "And what did you have in your hand?" asked the barkeep. "Mrs. Falstaf's t**..." replied Mr Flatery, "A beautiful thing it is, but not much help in a fight
What do barkeepers and beekeepers have in common?
That constant buzz around them.
A nun walks into a bar
Everyone else in the bar starts staring at her, but they were silent.
The nun is confused about it and starts walking towards the bartender.
"Hey uhm why are they staring at me like that?" she asks the bartender
"Well we don't usually get nuns around here" the barkeep replies
"What? Oh s**... I'm still in costume!" the nun exclaims, "I'm actually a bus driver..."
Bono and Edge walk into a bar
The barkeep says, "not U2 again"...
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder…
The barkeep greets him, and says, Cool newt! What's its name?
The man responds, His name is Tiny
The barkeep asks, why is it called tiny?
The man answers, Because he's my-newt
So, a bear walks into a bar.
The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..r**... and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"
A man walks into a bar.
He orders 12 beers and starts drinking them really fast.
The bartender asks why are you drinking those beers so fast?
The man says if you had what I had you'd be drinking fast too
What do you have? asks the barkeep
75 cents
Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint
That'll be 2 dollars replied the barkeep.
That's it? How much are your burgers?
Those are also 2 dollars he replied.
How are your prices so low, are you the owner?
No, I'm a friend of the owner.
Well, where's the owner?
He's upstairs with my wife?
What's he doing up there?
The same thing I'm doing to his business.
