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Barkeep Jokes

76 barkeep jokes and hilarious barkeep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about barkeep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Barkeep Short Jokes

Short barkeep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The barkeep humour may include short barmaid jokes also.

  1. Three logicians walk into a bar. The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?"
    The first one answers: "I don't know."
    The second one answers: "I don't know."
    The third one answers: "Yes!"
  2. A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar. The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"
  3. 3 logicians walk into a bar The barkeep says, do you all want a drink?
    The first one says I don't know
    The second one says I don't know
    The third one says yes
  4. The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?" But Argon doesn't react.
  5. A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink called "Innuendo". So the barkeeper gives it to her.
  6. A woman sits in a bar and orders a cocktail named "Double Enténdre" So the barkeeper gives it to her.
  7. Pirate walks into bar. Barkeep notices a steering wheel attached to the pirate's groin, asks about it. "Aarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
  8. A Baby Seal Walks Into a Bar, Goes up to the bar and the barkeep asks, 'What would you like?'
    Baby Seal says, 'Anything but a Canadian Club on the Rocks.'
  9. A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. He shouts to the barkeep Five drinks please
  10. So a baby seal walks into a bar... and the barkeep says "What'll ya have little fella?" and the seal says "Anything but the Canadian club."

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Barkeep One Liners

Which barkeep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with barkeep? I can suggest the ones about bar patron and bar room.

  1. Where does the Jewish barkeeper get his beers? He brews!
  2. Bono and Edge walk into a bar The barkeep says, "not U2 again"...
  3. What do barkeepers and beekeepers have in common? That constant buzz around them.
  4. Barkeeper: Do you want a beer for your wife? Me: Sounds like a fair trade!
  5. A Pikachu walks out of a bar... and the barkeeper yells "Bye, catch you later!".
  6. why did the barkeeper kill Homer Simpson's son? because he was a bartender
  7. OMV Austria The Ultimate fighting Barkeeper The one Man fighter, fight alone
  8. What did the anvil say to the barkeeper? I'm so hammered right now!

Barkeep joke, What did the anvil say to the barkeeper?

Witty Barkeep Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about barkeep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bartenders serve jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make barkeep pranks.

Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...

The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."

Two vampires are sitting in a bar...

and the barkeep comes up and asks, "what can I get for you guys?"
The first vampire says, "I'll just have a glass of blood"
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of hot water"
The first vampire is rather confused and says to the second vampire, "hot water? This place has the best blood in town!"
The second vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm having tea"

Jar Full of $10 Bills

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"

A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...

He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"
The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"
"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a v**... Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.

A drunk walks into a library

Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"

Obama walks into a bar.....

Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.
Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"
"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."
"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were t**... hotspots not too long ago?"
"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."
"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"
"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."
Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:
"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.

My buddy's first b**...

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first b**..."
Bartender replies, "First b**... eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

A man walks into a bar

sits down and says to the barkeep "I need a shot and a beer before the fight." Barkeep obliges the man with a drink. The man says to the barkeep " I need another shot and a before the fight." Barkeep thinks to himself, this must be a bad fight, and gives the man another shot and beer. The man downs his shot and chases it with the beer and asks for another shot and beer before the fight. Now the barkeep is curious and asks "Sir, you must be in a bad situation. What is this fight all about?" The man replies "I haven't got any money on me"
Sorry if this has been posted before. Heard it several years ago and it's stuck with me since then.

Pirate Walks into a bar...

Bartender says - "Hey Pirate..." The Pirate walks over to the barkeep, and gives him a nod. The bartender says, "I don't mean to embarass you, but I noticed you've got a steering wheel attached to your c**...." The pirate looks down and says "ArrrH I know, and it be drivin me nuts!"

A man is staring into his whiskey

The barkeep asks if something's the matter.
"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."
"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.
"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."

A Rope Walks into a Bar

A rope walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer. "We don't serve rope here" says the barkeep
Next day, same bar, rope walks in, sits down and asks for a beer. "I told you yesterday, rope, we don't serve your kind in here"
Next day, same rope, same bar. Before the rope walks in, he grabs some scissors, cuts and unravels his hair, loops himself and cinches his belt tight, walks in confidently and asks for a beer
"Ain't you that rope I've been throwing out of here all week?" Said the bartender
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot"

Deputies Tahoma and Arial push open the swinging doors saunter into the bar, and the barkeep looks up and says, "You two better Vamoose!"

"There's a new Serif in town."

A neutron walks into a bar

He asks, "How much for a drink?"
The barkeep replied, "For you, no charge."

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of concrete slug under his arm

He says barkeep, a drink for me, and one for the road.

White Horse

A white horse walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He moves aside, minds his own business; but the barkeep hasn't had such an unusual patron for a long time. He's curious.
He ransacks his brain, and can't come up with a better line than... "you know, there's a whiskey named after you?"
And the white horse replies:
"What? Eric?"

A man walks into a bar ...

And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel between his legs

The barkeep asks if he knows he has a wheel there..
He replies, "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"

So a bear walks into a bar...

So a bear walks into a bar and sits at a bar stool.
"What'll it be?" says the barkeep.
The bear responds with, "I'll have a gin and.......................tonic.".
"What's with the big pause?" asks the barkeep.
The bear, surprised, exclaims, "I'm a bear!!!"

A dog walks into this bar..

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. . .

. . .and orders a beer. When he finishes is, the barkeep asks "Have another?" Descartes replies "I think not."
. . .and p**.... He vanishes.

A Koala walks into a bar...

So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs
So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of p**... in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does s**... acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."

A Space Marine walks into a bar.

He says to the grizzled, portly barkeeper, "Bring me two beers." Seeing that he is alone, the barkeep asks him 'Why two?' The Space Marine chuckles and replies, "Simple, my friend. One for me, and one FOR THE EMPEROR!"

An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"

So a horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"
The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.
See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A lynx walks into a bar

A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a...
...
...
Jackrabbit."
The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go inside a pub

The barkeep says "What's this, some kind of joke?"

john wick walks into a bar

Two red necks immediately get on his case,he turns to the barkeep and say's, can I borrow your pencil?

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"
The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and c**... his beer.
The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"

Guy walks into a bar out west

It's deserted except for the barkeep.
"Where's everybody?" the guy asks.
"Down at the town square. There's a hangin' today."
"Yeah? Who they hangin'?"
"Brown Paper Jack."
"Why do they call him that?"
"Well, everything about him is brown paper...chaps, shirt, hat, belt--he even rides with a saddle made out of brown paper."
"Yeah? What are they hangin' him for?"
"Rustlin'."

3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work

2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"

A Proton sits in a bar and orders his 7th drink. The barkeep asks "you sure?"

And the Proton replies
"Yeah man, I just caught my wife cheating, I need to forget...".

An MMO party walked into a bar

The barkeep asked why they carried their weapons in the bar
the party leader said "mimics"
The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed.
We killed that table. It was a good time.

Two nuns and a penguin walk into a bar…

…the barkeep points at the penguin and says, "You're in the wrong joke".

A ghost floats into a bar

He stops at the bar and says Barkeep, I'll take a glass of your finest wine.
The bartender doesn't respond.
The ghost is angered and says, Your finest wine, or I'm going to haunt your bar.
Still no response from the bartender.
The ghost says, Hey buddy, what's your problem??
The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve spirits here.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

A Black dude walks into a bar....

He's got a parrot on his shoulder. The Barkeep says, "Where'd you get that?" And the parrot says, "Africa, they got millions of them down there!"

Rene Descartes walked in to a bar.

Barkeep asks " Do you want a drink?"
Descartes says "I think not," and p**.... He's gone.

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar, dits down and orders a drink. The barkeep obliges and brings a drink for the pirate, and he notices there is a steering wheel in thenpirwtes pants.
The barkeep was too curious to not inquire what was going on. "Excuse me sir, can I ask why there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responding, "Arrggg, I not be sure, but it's driving me nuts."

A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

h**..., Himmler, Goebbles...

... walks into a bar. Goebbles ask the bartender where the bathroom is. The barkeep says down that hall it's the third r**....

A cute little duck waddles into a bar.

Hey barkeep can I have a flippen r**... and coke?
You can use fowl language you know...say's the barkeep, You are a duck after all.

A sailor walks into a bar

The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."

A rabbi, priest, and an imam walk into a bar.

"Never mind, you guys wouldn't get it," the barkeep says.

A pumpkin, a zucchini, and a seed walk into a bar.

The barkeep asks the pumpkin what she'd like to drink.
b**... Mary, she says.
The barkeep asks the zucchini for her order.
I'm having a hard cider, the zucchini says.
The barkeep turns to the seed, and both the pumpkin and zucchini say, Oh, don't serve our friend anything.
Why not?
Can't you tell? asks the zucchini, She's already out of her gourd!

A duck walks into a bar....

He orders a few items from the menu, and decides on what he wants. After awhile the barkeep brings the food to the counter and the duck begins eating.
When the duck gets done, the barkeep asks the duck: How you wanna pay for this today?
The duck says: Put it all on my bill.

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have r**... the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

A German 6 walks into a bar

The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".

An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.
I said 'Mimics.'
The party laughed.
The barkeep laughed.
The table laughed.
We killed the table. Good times.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do you know how dangerous time travel is? Who knows what I might have changed if I hadn't been so careful. I might have caused a second world war."

A man with a harelip sits down at the bar

Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please , he says. One thcoth and thoda, comin' up , says the barkeep. Hey! says the guy with the harelip, are you teathin' me? No way! says the bartender, thath juth the way I talk! . Another guy comes in and sits down. I'd like a scotch and soda, please . One scotch and soda, coming up , says the bartender. I thought you thaid you weren't teathin' me! , says the first guy. I'm not teathin' you , replied the bartender, I'm teathin' him!

Mr. Flatery walks into a pub

Mr. Flatery walks into a pub, bartender looks up and says "That's quite a shiner you have there, who gave that to you?" "Mr. Falstaf gave it to me" he replied. "That's quite a bute, did he have anything in his hand when he gave that to you?" Asked the barkeep"Aye, he had a shovel in his hand, he did" replied Mr. Flatery. "And what did you have in your hand?" asked the barkeep. "Mrs. Falstaf's t**..." replied Mr Flatery, "A beautiful thing it is, but not much help in a fight

A nun walks into a bar

Everyone else in the bar starts staring at her, but they were silent.
The nun is confused about it and starts walking towards the bartender.
"Hey uhm why are they staring at me like that?" she asks the bartender
"Well we don't usually get nuns around here" the barkeep replies
"What? Oh s**... I'm still in costume!" the nun exclaims, "I'm actually a bus driver..."

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder…

The barkeep greets him, and says, Cool newt! What's its name?
The man responds, His name is Tiny
The barkeep asks, why is it called tiny?
The man answers, Because he's my-newt

So, a bear walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..r**... and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"

A man walks into a bar.

He orders 12 beers and starts drinking them really fast.
The bartender asks why are you drinking those beers so fast?
The man says if you had what I had you'd be drinking fast too
What do you have? asks the barkeep
75 cents

Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint

That'll be 2 dollars replied the barkeep.
That's it? How much are your burgers?
Those are also 2 dollars he replied.
How are your prices so low, are you the owner?
No, I'm a friend of the owner.
Well, where's the owner?
He's upstairs with my wife?
What's he doing up there?
The same thing I'm doing to his business.

Barkeep joke, A man walks into a bar and orders a pint