bark Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bark puns

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

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My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

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A boy goes to his Mom and says, Mom, how come you're white and I'm black?

His Mom replies, Son, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark.

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A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

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One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

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I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

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What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?

The bark.

What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?

The branches.

What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?

The trunk.

What's my father's favourite part of the tree?

The leaves :(

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I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

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I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If your interested, let me know and I'll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.

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A tree will never hit you

They're all bark and no bite

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"Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?"

"Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."

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A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all." the woman replied.

The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

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My friend had a dog...

My friend had a dog that could only bark below 100hz. It was a sub woofer

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A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?"

... she says: "That was a pretty wild orgy, be glad you don't bark"

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May be too close to home for some people

This little kid runs up to his mother.
He says: "Mommy! mommy! Why am I black, and you're white?"
And the mom says: "Look the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark."

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Kid says "mommy how come I'm black and your white?

Mom says "listen the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark"

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Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred

*Bark!*

What is it Lassie?

*Bark! Bark bark!*

What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well!

*Bark! Bark bark woof!*

Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.

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A boy says to his mother, "Mom, how come you're white but I'm black?"

"Sweetie, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't bark."

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Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?

Rough translation from Spanish:

Child:Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?

Mother: With how drunk I was that night it's a miracle you don't bark!

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A man walks into a bar with his dog.

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.

"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"

Dog: Roof.

Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"

Dog: Rough.

Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: Ruth.

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

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How do you tell two dogwood trees apart?

By their bark

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How do trees communicate?

They bark.

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My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch tree and the beech tree. Both trees saw how magnificent that little sapling was, and each wanted credit.

The birch tree said, "That tree is a son of a birch!"

The beech tree said, "That tree is definitely a son of a beech!"

Back and forth they went until a woodpecker came along.

"Mr. Woodpecker," the birch tree and the beech tree said. "Please go have a taste of that fine sapling over there and tell us if it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech."

So the woodpecker went over, had a nibble, then got excited and really went to town on that sapling. It was clearly very tasty.

He came back to the birch tree and the beech tree and they asked him, "Well? Is it a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

And the woodpecker said, "That is the best piece of ash I've ever got my pecker into."

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I tried to build a computer out of wood, but it wouldn't turn on.

All bark and no byte.

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Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke

* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.

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A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"

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Hi, I'm from Brazil

and I can't go to the backyard, I'm afraid my german shepherd will laugh instead of bark at me...

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I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.

It's a bark ode.

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A man walks into a bar with a dog...

A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog
"What do you find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again
"What do you find on a tree?"
"Bark!" answers the dog again.
"Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm kicking you out." The man asks the dog
'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies
"Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?"

(Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite)

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I need to rehome a dog.

It's a small terrier. Tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

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My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

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Why do saws have teeth?

Because trees are all bark, no bite.

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Mexican, American, Polish and a Russian dog...

Four dogs -- Mexican, American, Polish, Russian -- are discussing their lives. The Mexican dog says, "the servants used to leave meat out for me, but now I have to bark for it." The American dog says, "you have servants in Mexico?" The Polish dog says, "they feed you meat?" The Russian dog says, "they let you bark?"

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Why do dogs always bark when someone ring the doorbell?

No, seriously. It's almost never for them.

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Im on Drugs ?

Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .

He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus

*Bark Bark

Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs


Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !

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What are the most funny Bark jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bark? Well, here are the best Bark dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bark pick up lines to share with friends.

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