Barely Know Her Jokes
68 barely know her jokes and hilarious barely know her puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about barely know her that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Barely Know Her Short Jokes
Short barely know her jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The barely know her humour may include short barely jokes also.
- My Fiancé said she wanted to be a trophy Wife Now that we're married all she does is lie around so much she can barely walk. And that's how I learned my wife doesn't know how to pronounce atrophy.
- So my dad dropped this on my mom this morning Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?"
Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!" - I still don't know why people think Donald Trump's wall would never work. China did it, and they barely have any Mexicans
- Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt? It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."
(credit to my dad for this one) - I don't know what's the big deal about bidets. The sink's been right there the whole time and you barely have to hop up at all.
- How to freak her out I love walking up to women I barely know, hug them and sniff loudly followed by me saying, "You smell so much better when you are awake."
- I tried to graffiti a train today I don't know how some people get such good artwork, I could barely keep up with the cars.
- I've been through to much. I'm sick and tired. Everything is spinning around me. I don't know how I'm gonna bare the ironing board.
- Did you know tank tops were i**... until the U.S constitution came out? It gave people the right to bare arms.
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Barely Know Her One Liners
Which barely know her one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with barely know her? I can suggest the ones about her indoors and little miss.
- Liquor? Barely even know her!
- Liquor? I barely know her.
- Bram? Stoker? ...but, he barely knows her!
- Refrigerator? I barely know her.
- Romper? I barely know 'er!
- Eclaire? I barely know Claire!
- qatar? I barely even know her!
- My friend told me he had cauliflower last night. I said Cauliflower? You barely know her!
- Inclusion Rider? I Barely even inclusion Know 'er!
- Heard her? But I barely know her.
- My friend asked me to buy him some liquor. I replied, Liquor? I barely know her!
- Poker? I barely know her!
- Claustrophobic? I barely know her.
- Poker Face. But I barely know her!
- Superconducting Supercollider? I barely know 'er!
Barely Know Her Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about barely know her you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean little old lady jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make barely know her pranks.
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...
... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.
The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said:
"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had s**...?"
"1955, ma´am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no s**... since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him a few times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:
"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:
"I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."
The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of the conductor's score, to alert them so they can get back in time.
Performance night rolls around, and the curtains roll up to a magnificent opening segment. The bassists duck behind the percussion and run to the nearest bar. They order a couple of drinks and joke to themselves about how ridiculous they look in tailed, double-breasted tuxedos when suddenly they are approached by a man dressed even more formally, wearing a crown and long gown. He introduces himself as the Count of Bavaria, a true regal fellow. Before they know it everybody is chatting it up and the Count orders a *huge* plate of nachos. This is a massive plate - big enough for three men - but the Count, he must be starving because he eats every last bite. The bassists are enjoying their drinks and starting to get a bit drunk, when they notice they've got to rush back... Meanwhile, back at the performance, the conductor has turned the last page. He sees the string, and it dawns on him: it's the bottom of the ninth, the bassists are loaded and the count is full.
My Grandpa told me this one
A lady has been sitting at the bar all night pounding down drinks and she's completely hammered. She's so drunk that she can barely talk, but she's trying to converse with the bartender anyways.
"You know, I really like these martoonis," she slurs, "but I don't like the cherries in them, they give me heartburn."
The bartender looks at her for a minute, shakes his head and replys: "First of all, lady, those aren't martoonis, they're martinis. Second, those aren't cherries, they're olives. And that's not heartburn, your t**...'s in the ashtray.
Two men were out camping in the mountains...
They had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south. Then tonight we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and found a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we made love in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was much better than mine. Was she pretty?" "I don't know," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Jar Full of $10 Bills
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
I bet he felt pretty good about himself...
A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man's luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is the first customer in line. Knowing he had to take advantage of the opportunity, he buys 2,000 rounds each of .45's and 9mm's. Happy that he was finally able to find some ammo, he loads his purchase into the back of his pick-up truck and heads to the range. On the way, he stops at a gas station to fill up. A beautiful, buxom blonde pulls up next to him and notices the thousands of rounds of ammo in his truck bed. Well aware of the ammo shortage, and being an avid shooter herself, she decides to offer the man a proposition: "I couldn't help but notice all the ammo in the back of your truck," she purrs, "how about we trade some ammo for a little s**...?" The man considers her offer, knowing his previous difficulty. "Sure", he says, "what kind of ammo you got?"
A man is driving down the road when...
Out of nowhere a boy chases a ball into the street, directly in front of the man's car. He slams on the brakes, but strikes the boy at a relatively high speed. He jumps out of the car and sees the boy is in bad shape. He, in a panic, doesn't know what to do.
"Should I get you a Priest??" he asks the boy.
The boy, both his legs broken, covered in blood, and who can hardly open one eye, looks up at the man and is barely able to manage a few words.
"How can you think about s**... at a time like this?"
Little Hamish McLain fell asleep under a tree...
His friend Glenna saw him napping and tried to wake him but he didn't budge. She had always wondered if it was true that Scotsmen don't wear anything under their kilts so she lifted it up and took a peek. Sure enough, there was nothing under the kilt save Hamish's bare skin. Before she left, she decided to leave him a little hint she had been there so she pulled a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around his John Thomas.
When Hamish awoke he trotted off home where he found his mother had prepared a warm bath. As he was u**... his mother noticed the little blue ribbon.
"Oh, Hamish!" she exlaimed. "I don't know where you've been or what you've been doing, but I'm sure glad you took first place."
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.
Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right into the bell, barely making a noise. The priest tells the little child, " I am sorry but that is not loud enough. But thank you for trying my son." All of the sudden the kid runs full force smacking into the bell with all his might and creates the loudest ring the priest has ever heard. Suddenly the bell falls and crashes down to the ground below causing the child to fall also to his death. When the police show up the officer asks the priest, " Do you know his name?" The priest sadly says, " No, but his face rings a bell."
This could happen to you.
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doing' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions."
A wife complains to her husband
Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....
He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
A concerned wife goes to her husband...
"Honey, I know we said we would wait to give our little girl the birds and the bees talk, but I think it's about time."
He inquiries as to why she thinks this. Their daughter, while almost a teen, is still rather young.
"Well, I caught her m**...."
"~~Prosperous~~ Preposterous!! She's barely old enough to start her period let alone do that"
"That's the other thing, honey, I caught her red handed..."
Leaving a tip
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".
The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say"?
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man".
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough".
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor".
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too".
"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor".
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...
A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"
Two Kings Witness a m**...
At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a m**.... The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the m**..., the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness account, the audience barely reacted, some even yawning! A Czech prince, full of indignation, demanded of a courtier, "Why are the people so bored with my father's speech?" The courtier replied, "Don't you know? These days you get no interest in a Czech King account."
A wife complains to her husband...
A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
It is a hot summer day in texas...
Gay guy walks into a bar and says, "sir may I have a glass of water it's so hot and I'm thirsty." Bartender goes, "sorry, we don't take too kindly to you her you gotta leave before you start trouble." Gay guy goes, "please sir! I will go sit in the corner I won't bother anybody I promise." Bartender says alright.
Gay guy is sitting in the corner drinking his water minding his own buisness. Barely anybody knows he's there. Then the most clichè cowboy walks in and declares, "Boy it is so hot I can lick the sweat off a bulls b**...!" Gay guy stands up and says, "Moo moo!"
At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a m**....
The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the m**..., the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness account, the audience barely reacted, some even yawning! A Czech prince, full of indignation, demanded of a courtier, Why are the people so bored with my father's speech? The courtier replied, Don't you know? These days you get no interest in a Czech King account.
Donald trump was getting his daily briefing...
Sir, there was another 60,000 cases of corona and a thousand Americans died
Huh - the orange elder barely nods and continues watching Fox.
Sir- also there was a riot in downtown DC and two cops and fourteen protesters are dead and sixteen in custody
Yawn... next , replies the Donald chewing on his fries.
Three American soldiers were killed in Afghanistan too
BORING!
And finally a wall has collapsed and we lost two Brazilians
Donald's eyes go red and tears begin to stream down his face.
Sir- I - I didn't know that would mean so much to you?!
Donald looks up through watery eyes How many is a Brazilian?
A guy drinks all night in a pub
When the pub closes, he tried to go home, but he can't stand on his feet, so he decides to crawl outside, maybe the fresh air will make him feel better.
But even outside he doesn't manage to get on his feet, so without a choice he crawls until he gets home, barely manages to reach the door handle, and crashes on the bed.
When he wakes up, his wife yells at him "where drinking all night again?!"
"How did you know?" He asks.
"Cause the guy from the pub called and said you forgot your wheelchair"
Pedro gets a New Secretary.
Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband's roving eye.
Dora (Pedro's wife): Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Pedro: Didn't quite notice."
Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
Pedro: Haven't had the time to check."
Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"
Pedro: Not a clue in the world."
Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?
Pedro: I barely spoke to her, so don't know.
Dora: "How does she dress?"
Pedro: "Very quickly
Just look at that couple down the road, a wife told her husband. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can't you do that?
Are you insane? he responded. I barely know the woman!
Electrical Hum - True story
Was working on a Generator switchgear with the factory representative who was from Ireland and we had the generators running and the electrical panel open with all the thick bare copper busbars visible. As most may know anything with a ton of electricity flowing through it makes this humming sound. I told the rep that the hum always makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
He said " Do u know why it hums?"
Me, expecting a technical response, " No I dont know. Why does it hum?"
With a totally serious face he replied " Cuz it dont know the fookin words"
A man was hiking on a mountain when a small rockslide took him towards a cliff
The man managed to grab ahold of the cliff but was barely hanging on. Not knowing what else to do he looked up towards the sky and shouted God, if you're up there, please help me!
The man heard a voice say I'm here. I will protect you, but you need to let go.
The man then shouts Is anybody else up there who can help?