The Best 70 Barely Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Barely jokes. There are some barely inexperience jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these barely mere puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Barely Jokes and Puns

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

Drunk homecoming

A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.

knock, knock, knock....

After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.

"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"

Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"

Barely joke, Drunk homecoming

I can't wait

I can't wait to watch that one movie 2012. If I'm with kids, I'll say yeah, I remember that. I barely survived. I'm glad we rebuilt.

Successful entrepreneur

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"


An old lady gets into a taxi

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies

"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."

A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning

"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"

Maglev train hits 310mph in Japan.

Critics say it has barely left the ground.

Barely joke, Maglev train hits 310mph in Japan.

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

A Jewish Atheist enrolls his son in Catholic school

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, Son, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God β€” and we don't believe in Him!

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

So my dad dropped this on my mom this morning

Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?"

Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!"

You can explore barely slightest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean barely infrequently dad jokes. There are also barely puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I was in in the public restroom

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs?

She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.

A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.

'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida...

The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

Barely joke, Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

I have a lot in common with my brake rotors..

We're both warped and barely functioning.

A wife complains to her husband

Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?

Are you mad? I barely know the woman!


I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

A man goes to Japan on business and hires a prostitute.

He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.

The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.

You can each have one wish, said the genie. The wife made her wish first I would like to travel around the world, with my husband, .

Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, Well said the husband, with a naughty look on his face I wish I can have a younger companion, .

The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

A life barely lived.

"Doctor, I want to live to 100."

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you smoke anything?"

"No."

"Do you have sex with lots of people?"

"No."

"Then why do you want to live to 100?"

The people at my new job must be pretty fit...

They asked me if I wanted to sign up for their 401k, i can barely even run a 5k.

I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'

I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells wonderful

I don't know what's the big deal about bidets.

The sink's been right there the whole time and you barely have to hop up at all.

A concerned wife goes to her husband...

"Honey, I know we said we would wait to give our little girl the birds and the bees talk, but I think it's about time."

He inquiries as to why she thinks this. Their daughter, while almost a teen, is still rather young.

"Well, I caught her masturbating."

"~~Prosperous~~ Preposterous!! She's barely old enough to start her period let alone do that"

"That's the other thing, honey, I caught her red handed..."

My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.

They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!

Did you hear the one about the plague?

Barely anyone has gotten it in the past 600 years.

A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...

A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"

Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one

The rest barely escaped with their lives

I'm halfway through my gay conversion therapy

But I'm barely getting bi.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

I still don't know why people think Donald Trump's wall would never work.

China did it, and they barely have any Mexicans

I like my women like I like my sharpies.

Expensive and barely work.

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if...

... you want one that just barely stands.

Unexpected morning sex:

I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!

Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.

I have to go talk to the bank today.

If everything goes well, I will finally be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on!

A wife complains to her husband...

A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?

Are you mad? I barely know the woman!

A young lawyer died and stood before the gates of Heaven.

Lawyer: "St. Peter, what happened? I was as healthy as an ox, and I'd barely passed my 48th birthday!"

St. Peter: "48? According to your billable hours you were 172."

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

Mozart runs into a bar...

He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.

The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?

Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!

(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )

A teacher was getting fed up with one of her student's bad hand writing-

She said Your hand writing is absolute chicken scratch! I can barely read it. How are you going to get a job if your employer can't read what you write?

He said Don't worry, Miss. I'm going to be a doctor.

I'm great in bed

I barely move, and I don't snore either.

A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

Growing up with a trans parent is hard

You barely ever get to see them

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

A man meets a foreign girl, they flirt with each other, and end up sleeping with each other.

After the man came, he asked her 'you finish'?

She shook her head.

Dutifully the men got back to work, and after another round of lovemaking he asked her 'you finish?'

The girl shook her head again.

The man barely had any energy left, but continued the lovemaking nonetheless. In the end he collapses on the bed and asks again 'you finish?'

The girl shakes her head and replies 'No, I'm Swedish'.

My glasses have broken

I can barely look forward to buying new ones

I've been programming too much

I can barely cout of my eyes

Bra Sazes

Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Well its time you became informed!


(A) Almost boobs.
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Double Dang!
(E) Enormous!
(F) Fake.
(G) Get a Reduction.
(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!

Student: I have a slutty halloween dress!

Classmates: What is it?

Student: my teacher. It barely covers anything important

Two sperm are swimming along. One looks at the other and asks, "Are we there yet?"

The other replies, "We still got a ways to go. We barely just passed the tonsils"

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client toγ€€be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew hisγ€€way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

The first few times you get hit by AC, it really hertz

But after that, it'll barely phase you.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.

He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.

By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

I don't like the new guy my neighbor has

He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.

I really can't figure out what people see in babies.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.

I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

Christmas wrapping

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul. It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport

Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"




Wife: "In the name of God, why?"




Husband: "Our tickets are on it"

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.

His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.

Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was going to upgrade his computer in 10 minutes!?

10 minutes later, Johnny couldn't believe it. The graphics were clearer than his friend's!

"How did you do it?", he asked?

She said, "I cleaned your monitor".

I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.

I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spread much quicker!

I tried one of those "Try Not To Laugh" challenges, but barely made it halfway before cracking up.

I guess you could say... I fought the LOL, and the LOL won.

I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower..

It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.

What to pick

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "Whites only" and help us out!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the barely audible jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working barely seldom piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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