Barely Jokes

Following is our collection of slightest humor and inexperience one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Barely puns for adults, dirty infrequently jokes or clean mere gags for kids.

There is an abundance of audible jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 70 funniest jokes on barely. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any seldom witze you can hear about barely.

The Best jokes about Barely

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'

I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells wonderful

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

A man goes to Japan on business and hires a prostitute.

He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.

The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida...

The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

My Grandpa told me this one

A lady has been sitting at the bar all night pounding down drinks and she's completely hammered. She's so drunk that she can barely talk, but she's trying to converse with the bartender anyways.

"You know, I really like these martoonis," she slurs, "but I don't like the cherries in them, they give me heartburn."

The bartender looks at her for a minute, shakes his head and replys: "First of all, lady, those aren't martoonis, they're martinis. Second, those aren't cherries, they're olives. And that's not heartburn, your tit's in the ashtray.

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.

The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."

The wolf says, "I spent my winter in a henhouse. Each day I ate two hens. The owner counted the hens, brought out his shotgun, and I almost got shot."

The fox says, "I spent my winter at a construction site where there were lots of Mexicans. Nobody counts those bastards."

Fun with police

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

An old lady gets into a taxi

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies

"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."

A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning

"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"

My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.

They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!

So my dad dropped this on my mom this morning

Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?"

Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!"

A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver's shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman and driver both horrified stay paused for a few seconds then regain their mentality. The woman quietly says Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't think you would be startled like that , the driver looks back and says it's okay, I'm actually the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I've been driving a hearse

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.


Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

I have to go talk to the bank today.

If everything goes well, I will finally be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on!

I was in in the public restroom

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of the conductor's score, to alert them so they can get back in time.
Performance night rolls around, and the curtains roll up to a magnificent opening segment. The bassists duck behind the percussion and run to the nearest bar. They order a couple of drinks and joke to themselves about how ridiculous they look in tailed, double-breasted tuxedos when suddenly they are approached by a man dressed even more formally, wearing a crown and long gown. He introduces himself as the Count of Bavaria, a true regal fellow. Before they know it everybody is chatting it up and the Count orders a *huge* plate of nachos. This is a massive plate - big enough for three men - but the Count, he must be starving because he eats every last bite. The bassists are enjoying their drinks and starting to get a bit drunk, when they notice they've got to rush back... Meanwhile, back at the performance, the conductor has turned the last page. He sees the string, and it dawns on him: it's the bottom of the ninth, the bassists are loaded and the count is full.

Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Moses decided to go fishing...

Out on the water they realized they forgot their food. Jesus says," I'm sure hungry I'm going to go get a sandwich." Stands up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Chuck Norris decided he was hungry too. Gets up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Moses thinks he hungry too, steps out of the boat, and falls in and is barely staying above water. Jesus looks at Chuck and says, " You think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"

Chuck Norris asks," what stepping stones?"

A tall woman and a midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget, said the woman, especially with the size difference and all.

Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes, said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

If you think that was good, said the midget with a smirk, Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!

Maglev train hits 310mph in Japan.

Critics say it has barely left the ground.

Baby Skunk.

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.

Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?

"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."

Anne says, "But what about the smell?"

"Just hold his little nose."

Drunk homecoming

A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.

knock, knock, knock....

After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.

"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"

Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

A wife complains to her husband...

A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?

Are you mad? I barely know the woman!

I still don't know why people think Donald Trump's wall would never work.

China did it, and they barely have any Mexicans

This could happen to you.

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doing' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions."

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched the dog, the Queen herself often feeding the blind, half-starved animal with an eye dropper.

One morning, after worrying all night, the King and Queen shed tears of joy when the little animal struggled out of his bed and took his first steps.

The next day's headline:

"Royal Weiner Stands Up for First Time; King and Queen Jubilant but Tired"

A life barely lived.

"Doctor, I want to live to 100."

"Do you drink?"


"Do you smoke anything?"


"Do you have sex with lots of people?"


"Then why do you want to live to 100?"

A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.

You can each have one wish, said the genie. The wife made her wish first I would like to travel around the world, with my husband, .

Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, Well said the husband, with a naughty look on his face I wish I can have a younger companion, .

The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

Made her toes curl

So I met this girl at a club last night and we hit it off. After a few drinks, I asked her if she'd like to come back to my place. We started going at it in the car, and barely made it to my room. Afterward, I asked her how it was, thinking I was fishing for complements because I noticed that when I put it in, her toes would curl. She kind of brushed me off, which surprised me. I asked didn't she like it? She told me it was "fun." So I go "wait a minute, every time I put it in your toes would curl, didn't that feel amazing?" To which she replied, "yeah, that's going to happen when you forget to take off my pantyhose."

A man meets a foreign girl, they flirt with each other, and end up sleeping with each other.

After the man came, he asked her 'you finish'?

She shook her head.

Dutifully the men got back to work, and after another round of lovemaking he asked her 'you finish?'

The girl shook her head again.

The man barely had any energy left, but continued the lovemaking nonetheless. In the end he collapses on the bed and asks again 'you finish?'

The girl shakes her head and replies 'No, I'm Swedish'.

A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.

'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

A wife complains to her husband

Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?

Are you mad? I barely know the woman!

A young lawyer died and stood before the gates of Heaven.

Lawyer: "St. Peter, what happened? I was as healthy as an ox, and I'd barely passed my 48th birthday!"

St. Peter: "48? According to your billable hours you were 172."

I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.

Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right into the bell, barely making a noise. The priest tells the little child, " I am sorry but that is not loud enough. But thank you for trying my son." All of the sudden the kid runs full force smacking into the bell with all his might and creates the loudest ring the priest has ever heard. Suddenly the bell falls and crashes down to the ground below causing the child to fall also to his death. When the police show up the officer asks the priest, " Do you know his name?" The priest sadly says, " No, but his face rings a bell."

An Olympic swimmer... on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.

One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.

"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."

The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"

The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."

"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"

A man is driving his new mustang

home from work one day. He spots an incredibly obese man sitting on the curb next to a bicycle, breathing heavily. He stops and asks the man what's wrong. The man said that his doctor told him he needed to excersise and lose some weight. As he could barely run he decided to ride his bike. However, on his first day out he had ridden to far from home and couldn't make it back.

The man has time before he needs to be home so he says"I have a rope in my car I can pull you home. If I get going to fast ring this bell and I will slow down."

When they have only gone a little ways down the road a camaro pulls up next to the mustang. As camaros and mustangs are wont to do they race. A police officer spots them and radios to his partner "I've got a mustang racing a camaro" to which his partner replies alright I'll stop them." The first officer replies"its not them I'm worried about its the three hundred pound guy on a bike ringing a bell to get them to pull over so he can pass that has me concerned."

Two old friends reunite...

- Hey! I haven't seen you in a while! How are your memory problems?
- Pretty fine, actually. My doctor is helping me a lot and I barely have any issue remembering things.
- Oh, that's nice to hear. How is the name of your doctor? I'm kind of worried because I'm starting to forget things and I would like to talk to a professional.
- Sure, her name is... ehm... ehm... what is the name of this famous virgin that appears in the bible?
- Mary?
- Yes! That's it!
He turns into his wife and asks:
- Mary, what is the name of the doctor who helped me with my memory problems?

A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...

A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"

Mozart runs into a bar...

He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.

The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?

Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!

(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )

A concerned wife goes to her husband...

"Honey, I know we said we would wait to give our little girl the birds and the bees talk, but I think it's about time."

He inquiries as to why she thinks this. Their daughter, while almost a teen, is still rather young.

"Well, I caught her masturbating."

"~~Prosperous~~ Preposterous!! She's barely old enough to start her period let alone do that"

"That's the other thing, honey, I caught her red handed..."

With Vaseline or without?

skinny white guy gets thrown into jail when this big black dude comes over to him and says "hey kid, it's me and you tonight!", later that night the big black dude rips him a new one.
The next morning, the guy can barely walk when at lunch the black dude comes over to him and says "kid, tonight it's me & you again. However, tonight I'll let you decide if you want it with Vas or without. The poor guy thinks to himself "well, if i'm gonna get raped anyway, at least let me have some relief" so he says "with Vas".

Black guy turns around and screams to his buddy "Hey Vas, you're in"!!!

Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one

The rest barely escaped with their lives

An older couple decided to try "swinging"

They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.

"Well that was disappointing," he said. The young lady was fantastic but I couldn't keep it up and didn't finish. "

"Too bad, honey. I thought it was spectacular," she replied. "That young stallion ran the full race three times!"

They should've known, it's simple arithmetic: 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.

The family dog was in heat...

Little Bobbys family dog was in heat and his paretns did not want it to walk around the neighbourhood because it hadnt yet been spayed. After a few hours of little bobby bothering his dad to let his take her out for a walk his dad finally relented. He took the dog into the garage and rubbed a cloth in gasoline all over the dogs crotch. "there" bobbys dad said "That ought to keep the male dogs from catching her scent".

Bobby was gone barely 10 minutes before he returned without the dog "wheres Lassie?" the dad asked.

Bobby replied "she ran out of gas halfway back and a kind neighbourhood dog is just pusinng her back"

I can't wait

I can't wait to watch that one movie 2012. If I'm with kids, I'll say yeah, I remember that. I barely survived. I'm glad we rebuilt.

A Jewish Atheist enrolls his son in Catholic school

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, Son, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don't believe in Him!

A Preacher and His Dentures

A preacher went to get his teeth pulled. As a result he would need dentures. The first Sunday after, he preached 10 minutes. The second he preached 20 minutes and the third he preached an hour and a half.

Some members of the congregation asked about the different amounts of time. The preacher says, "The first Sunday my gums were so sore I could barely talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were causing the pain. The third Sunday, I grabbed my wife's dentures and could not stop talking."

The people at my new job must be pretty fit...

They asked me if I wanted to sign up for their 401k, i can barely even run a 5k.

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

Growing up with a trans parent is hard

You barely ever get to see them

A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.

The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go."

The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a wad of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the hell is this for?"

The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."

Donald trump was getting his daily briefing...

Sir, there was another 60,000 cases of corona and a thousand Americans died

Huh - the orange elder barely nods and continues watching Fox.

Sir- also there was a riot in downtown DC and two cops and fourteen protesters are dead and sixteen in custody
Yawn... next , replies the Donald chewing on his fries.

Three American soldiers were killed in Afghanistan too

And finally a wall has collapsed and we lost two Brazilians

Donald's eyes go red and tears begin to stream down his face.

Sir- I - I didn't know that would mean so much to you?!

Donald looks up through watery eyes How many is a Brazilian?

Successful entrepreneur

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

I'm halfway through my gay conversion therapy

But I'm barely getting bi.

Unexpected morning sex:

I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!

Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.

Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."

The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"


"I didn't"

Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs?

She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.

I don't know what's the big deal about bidets.

The sink's been right there the whole time and you barely have to hop up at all.

I'm great in bed

I barely move, and I don't snore either.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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