Barely Jokes
151 barely jokes and hilarious barely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about barely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Barely jokes are the perfectly inappropriate way to make someone laugh. From barely appropriate to barely knowing her, jokes that nearly cross the line are sure to put a smile on anyone's face. Finally, you can get away with a joke that's faintly racy without the slightest bit of scandal attached.
Funniest Barely Short Jokes
Short barely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The barely humour may include short slightly jokes also.
- What do Green eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common? They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
- A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
- Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.
- Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes After all, we have a right to bare arms.
- My Fiancé said she wanted to be a trophy Wife Now that we're married all she does is lie around so much she can barely walk. And that's how I learned my wife doesn't know how to pronounce atrophy.
- Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house. Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.
- Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida... The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. thank god I can still drive."
- I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym... But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.
- Why are socks a bad Christmas present for Daddy Bear? Because he will always have bare feet.
Share These Barely Jokes With Friends
Barely One Liners
Which barely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with barely? I can suggest the ones about thinly and seldom.
- For sale, barely used DeLorean Only driven from time to time.
- Why do Americans wear sleeveless t-shirts? Because they have the right to bare arms
- What do nudists pack for vacation? Just the bare necessities.
- What do you call a bear without fur? Bare.
- Maglev train hits 310mph in Japan. Critics say it has barely left the ground.
- Why do NRA members wear sleeveless shirts? Because they have a right to bare arms!
- Many Saudi women are fans of the Second Amendment. They would like a right to bare arms.
- How do nudists greet each other? With a bare hug.
- Why don't Canadians wear tank tops? They don't have the right to bare arms
- Why did the blonde wax her biceps? She was exercising her right to bare arms.
- I wear tank tops because of the Second Amendment. I sure do love my right to bare arms.
- I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands. It was a spectacle to behold.
- Growing up with a trans parent is hard You barely ever get to see them
- You Americans may have the right to bare arms, but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.
- I've been programming too much I can barely cout of my eyes
Barely Know Her Jokes
Here is a list of funny barely know her jokes and even better barely know her puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So my dad dropped this on my mom this morning Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?"
Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!" - I don't know what's the big deal about bidets. The sink's been right there the whole time and you barely have to hop up at all.
- How to freak her out I love walking up to women I barely know, hug them and sniff loudly followed by me saying, "You smell so much better when you are awake."
- I tried to graffiti a train today I don't know how some people get such good artwork, I could barely keep up with the cars.
- Bram? Stoker? ...but, he barely knows her!
- Refrigerator? I barely know her.
- Romper? I barely know 'er!
- Eclaire? I barely know Claire!
- I've been through to much. I'm sick and tired. Everything is spinning around me. I don't know how I'm gonna bare the ironing board.
- Qatar? I barely even know her!
Giggle-Inducing Barely Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about barely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rarely jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make barely pranks.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anyone need a s**... costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Drunk homecoming
A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.
knock, knock, knock....
After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.
"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"
Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"
I can't wait
I can't wait to watch that one movie 2012. If I'm with kids, I'll say yeah, I remember that. I barely survived. I'm glad we rebuilt.
Successful entrepreneur
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"
An old lady gets into a taxi
An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies
"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."
A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning
"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my girls like I like my Pringles....
Thin, stacked, and just barely wide enough to accommodate my fist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
A man on holiday in Ireland goes into a pub...
And it is awful;
the barman barely acknowledges him,
the beer is warm,
the food is cold,
nobody wants to talk to him
and there's not even any music going on.
Turned out it was one of those English theme pubs
A Jewish Atheist enrolls his son in Catholic school
A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, Son, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don't believe in Him!
I would never cheat in a relationship...
That would require at least two people finding me attractive, and I can barely find one!
A new band called 1025 MB is playing soon
They just barely got a gig
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many seconds are there in a day in Africa?
Seconds? They barely get firsts!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New Mexican word for today: Brief
Today, my homie f**... so hard, I could barely brief
Hendrik Lorentz walks into a bar...
He sits down at the counter.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
Lorentz replies "What do you expect? I'm barely moving"
Did you hear about the massive kidnapping in New York?
He barely fit in his king size bed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to n**... cubs?
She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.
I'm gonna make a good dad one day...
Lady Friend: "I'm in Times Squares!"
Me: "Did you just text me an incomplete math problem?"
Lady Friend: "You can barely do algebra..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?
Me
Flowers on a Tombstone
The other day I went to the cemetery. I brought flowers to leave at my father's tombstone. He died a bunch of years back, and I could barely remember which plot was his. I even went to place the flowers down at one tombstone before realizing it belonged to someone else. That could've been a grave mistake.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just heard Bill is interested in Hillary again...
She's b**......
Did you hear about the Sting concert in Compton that barely anybody went to?
I guess a lot of black people don't like The Police
I have a lot in common with my brake rotors..
We're both warped and barely functioning.
A wife complains to her husband
Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Autism speaks...
Barely.
The incoming presidential cabinet is like Ikea furniture.
The directions come from something impossible to read, it will barely last 4 years and definitely has a few screws loose.
I went to school for programming…
I barely passed with a C++.
I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...
And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.
Seagull with diarrheia
Seagull With Diarrhea told another that it barely Made It To Crowded Beach In Time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....
He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How unselfaware does someone have to be to not realize how loud their baby is in a movie theater?
I can barely hear the person on the other end of the line!
I don't like working at a pasta factory...
They barely have two pennes to rub together.
The people at my new job must be pretty fit...
They asked me if I wanted to sign up for their 401k, i can barely even run a 5k.
Why doesn't David Lee Roth drive a car during summer?
Because he can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A concerned wife goes to her husband...
"Honey, I know we said we would wait to give our little girl the birds and the bees talk, but I think it's about time."
He inquiries as to why she thinks this. Their daughter, while almost a teen, is still rather young.
"Well, I caught her m**...."
"~~Prosperous~~ Preposterous!! She's barely old enough to start her period let alone do that"
"That's the other thing, honey, I caught her red handed..."
Why does barely anyone use Butter anymore?
I'm tired of it being so margarinelized.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime...
But I can't do his job,
I barely do mine.
Foreigner??
I can barely fit three!!
an armadillo barely escaped birds of pray
luckily, nuns are terribly slow in their habits
Did you see the Alabama football player who proposed after he won the national championship last night?
His sister started crying and could barely give him a clear answer
My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.
They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!
Did you hear the one about the plague?
Barely anyone has gotten it in the past 600 years.
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...
A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm halfway through my gay conversion therapy
But I'm barely getting bi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I still don't know why people think Donald Trump's wall would never work.
China did it, and they barely have any Mexicans
I like my women like I like my sharpies.
Expensive and barely work.
The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...
So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.
How cold-hearted is my ex?
I heard someone once broke her heart, but I bet they barely chipped it.
A man goes to the doctor...
and the during his checkup the doctor says, "Good, good."
He asks the doctor, "What could possibly be good about this? I can barely walk."
To which the doctor replies, "It's a good thing I dont have what you have."
Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if...
... you want one that just barely stands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Unexpected morning s**...:
I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my cartoons like w**... Allen likes his women...
b**... and asian.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are New Yorkers always so distracted?
They can barely afford to pay rent, let alone attention.
A wife complains to her husband...
A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
What score did Snoop Dogg get on his test?
So high he barely passed
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Notches on phones are like fat people trying to fit into slim jeans.
It barely fits and it just doesn't look good.
Isn't it ironic that the fat acceptance movement...
barely has any movement at all?
I had barely finished my meal before I got kicked out from a German restaurant the other day.
The waiter asked me if everything was fine and I just told them they got some nice schnitz.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I see they have just launched a new p**...-mag for h**... paedophiles. Its called....
Barely Foetal
What's white, fragile, and cracks when you barely hit it?
Chuck Liddell
My trainer told me to do 50 bodyweight squats...
...but I could barely do 20. And now everyone in the morgue is staring at me.
Ever since my buddy downloaded Grindr he's been so excited about it
He can barely sit down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump's wall barely touches a small portion of the entire U.S.
No wonder everyone thinks he's off on a tangent.
Some German cars are very quiet.
They are barely audi-ble
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"b**...".
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Is it just me or has this whole third sub thing gone too far?
I can barely finish eating one sub. Let alone three
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
Mozart runs into a bar...
He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.
The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?
Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!
(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )
My brain is like a library of film facts that I barely even remember
IMDumB
A teacher was getting fed up with one of her student's bad hand writing-
She said Your hand writing is absolute chicken scratch! I can barely read it. How are you going to get a job if your employer can't read what you write?
He said Don't worry, Miss. I'm going to be a doctor.
