Barely Jokes
151 barely jokes and hilarious barely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about barely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Barely jokes are the perfectly inappropriate way to make someone laugh. From barely appropriate to barely knowing her, jokes that nearly cross the line are sure to put a smile on anyone's face. Finally, you can get away with a joke that's faintly racy without the slightest bit of scandal attached.
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Funniest Barely Short Jokes
Short barely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The barely humour may include short slightly jokes also.
- What do Green eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common? They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
- A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
- How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
- Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.
- Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes After all, we have a right to bare arms.
- My Fiancé said she wanted to be a trophy Wife Now that we're married all she does is lie around so much she can barely walk. And that's how I learned my wife doesn't know how to pronounce atrophy.
- Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house. Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.
- Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida... The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. thank god I can still drive."
- What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Barely One Liners
Which barely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with barely? I can suggest the ones about thinly and seldom.
- For sale, barely used DeLorean Only driven from time to time.
- I killed the glove industry With my bare hands
- Why do Americans wear sleeveless t-shirts? Because they have the right to bare arms
- Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops? Because they have the right to bare arms
- What do nudists pack for vacation? Just the bare necessities.
- What do you call a bear without fur? Bare.
- Maglev train hits 310mph in Japan. Critics say it has barely left the ground.
- Why do NRA members wear sleeveless shirts? Because they have a right to bare arms!
- Many Saudi women are fans of the Second Amendment. They would like a right to bare arms.
- How do nudists greet each other? With a bare hug.
- Why don't Canadians wear tank tops? They don't have the right to bare arms
- What do you call a dyselxic, amateur wizard? Dude who can barely spell.
- Why did the blonde wax her biceps? She was exercising her right to bare arms.
- How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls grilled bears? barely enough
- I wear tank tops because of the Second Amendment. I sure do love my right to bare arms.
Barely Know Her Jokes
Here is a list of funny barely know her jokes and even better barely know her puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So my dad dropped this on my mom this morning Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?"
Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!" - I still don't know why people think Donald Trump's wall would never work. China did it, and they barely have any Mexicans
- Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt? It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."
(credit to my dad for this one) - I don't know what's the big deal about bidets. The sink's been right there the whole time and you barely have to hop up at all.
- How to freak her out I love walking up to women I barely know, hug them and sniff loudly followed by me saying, "You smell so much better when you are awake."
- I tried to graffiti a train today I don't know how some people get such good artwork, I could barely keep up with the cars.
- Liquor? Barely even know her!
- Liquor? I barely know her.
- Bram? Stoker? ...but, he barely knows her!
- Refrigerator? I barely know her.
Giggle-Inducing Barely Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about barely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rarely jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make barely pranks.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Anyone need a s**... costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Drunk homecoming
A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.
knock, knock, knock....
After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.
"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"
Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"
I can't wait
I can't wait to watch that one movie 2012. If I'm with kids, I'll say yeah, I remember that. I barely survived. I'm glad we rebuilt.
Successful entrepreneur
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"
Why did the restaurant on the moon fail?
They barely had any atmosphere.
An old lady gets into a taxi
An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies
"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."
A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning
"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
Another old jew on the deathbed,
He could barely see, only shades, but he could still talk. He turned to his wife and said:
-Is David, my oldest son here? *cough*
-Yes
-is Eli, my middle son here?
-Yes, he is here too
-is Joseph here too ?
-Yes, yes, everyone is here
-*cough*, if everyone is here, why is the light in the kitchen on?
A man on holiday in Ireland goes into a pub...
And it is awful;
the barman barely acknowledges him,
the beer is warm,
the food is cold,
nobody wants to talk to him
and there's not even any music going on.
Turned out it was one of those English theme pubs
So a friend gets really drunk at a bar...
His friends decide he has had too much to drink. They lift him up and carry him to the car and he can barely walk. He falls 11 times on the way to the car and another 7 times as they carry him up to the door to his house.
The friends bring the man to his wife and she says, "thanks for bringing him back safely, he has really been drinking too much lately. Thanks for everything but where is his wheelchair?"
A Jewish Atheist enrolls his son in Catholic school
A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, Son, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don't believe in Him!
What does Ronda Rousey's opponents and myself have in common?
We both barely last 14 seconds and leave our partners underwhelmed.
A new band called 1025 MB is playing soon
They just barely got a gig
How many seconds are there in a day in Africa?
Seconds? They barely get firsts!
New Mexican word for today: Brief
Today, my homie f**... so hard, I could barely brief
I was in in the public restroom
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to n**... cubs?
She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.
A guy arrives home late from the pub....
His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.
'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.
I'm gonna make a good dad one day...
Lady Friend: "I'm in Times Squares!"
Me: "Did you just text me an incomplete math problem?"
Lady Friend: "You can barely do algebra..."
Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...
...toddlers are the worst.
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?
Me
Flowers on a Tombstone
The other day I went to the cemetery. I brought flowers to leave at my father's tombstone. He died a bunch of years back, and I could barely remember which plot was his. I even went to place the flowers down at one tombstone before realizing it belonged to someone else. That could've been a grave mistake.
I just heard Bill is interested in Hillary again...
She's b**......
Did you hear about the Sting concert in Compton that barely anybody went to?
I guess a lot of black people don't like The Police
I have a lot in common with my brake rotors..
We're both warped and barely functioning.
What do you call someone who barely graduated from med school?
Doctor.
A wife complains to her husband
Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
The incoming presidential cabinet is like Ikea furniture.
The directions come from something impossible to read, it will barely last 4 years and definitely has a few screws loose.
China has a Great Wall
And they have barely any Mexicans
I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...
And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.
A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....
He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
How unselfaware does someone have to be to not realize how loud their baby is in a movie theater?
I can barely hear the person on the other end of the line!
A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
You can each have one wish, said the genie. The wife made her wish first I would like to travel around the world, with my husband, .
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, Well said the husband, with a naughty look on his face I wish I can have a younger companion, .
The words were barely out of his mouth when p**..., he aged 20 years!
A life barely lived.
"Doctor, I want to live to 100."
"Do you drink?"
"No."
"Do you smoke anything?"
"No."
"Do you have s**... with lots of people?"
"No."
"Then why do you want to live to 100?"
The people at my new job must be pretty fit...
They asked me if I wanted to sign up for their 401k, i can barely even run a 5k.
I got a new stick of deodorant today.
The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'
I can barely walk, but when I f**... the room smells wonderful
A concerned wife goes to her husband...
"Honey, I know we said we would wait to give our little girl the birds and the bees talk, but I think it's about time."
He inquiries as to why she thinks this. Their daughter, while almost a teen, is still rather young.
"Well, I caught her m**...."
"~~Prosperous~~ Preposterous!! She's barely old enough to start her period let alone do that"
"That's the other thing, honey, I caught her red handed..."
Why does barely anyone use Butter anymore?
I'm tired of it being so margarinelized.
Foreigner??
I can barely fit three!!
an armadillo barely escaped birds of pray
luckily, nuns are terribly slow in their habits
Did you see the Alabama football player who proposed after he won the national championship last night?
His sister started crying and could barely give him a clear answer
My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.
They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!
Did you hear the one about the plague?
Barely anyone has gotten it in the past 600 years.
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...
A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"
Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one
The rest barely escaped with their lives
Trump gets back from an official visit to Germany, and starts tweeting
"Just got back from Germany, but couldn't meet with Chancellor Merkel- SAD! Had to meet with his UGLY secretary, who's got a bowl cut and is barely a 3 at best."
I'm halfway through my gay conversion therapy
But I'm barely getting bi.
I like my women like I like my sharpies.
Expensive and barely work.
The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...
So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.
A man goes to the doctor...
and the during his checkup the doctor says, "Good, good."
He asks the doctor, "What could possibly be good about this? I can barely walk."
To which the doctor replies, "It's a good thing I dont have what you have."
Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if...
... you want one that just barely stands.
Unexpected morning s**...:
I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.
I like my cartoons like w**... Allen likes his women...
b**... and asian.
I have to go talk to the bank today.
If everything goes well, I will finally be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on!
A wife complains to her husband...
A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
A young lawyer died and stood before the gates of Heaven.
Lawyer: "St. Peter, what happened? I was as healthy as an ox, and I'd barely passed my 48th birthday!"
St. Peter: "48? According to your billable hours you were 172."
Some German cars are very quiet.
They are barely audi-ble
"b**...".
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Is it just me or has this whole third sub thing gone too far?
I can barely finish eating one sub. Let alone three
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
Mozart runs into a bar...
He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.
The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?
Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!
(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )
A teacher was getting fed up with one of her student's bad hand writing-
She said Your hand writing is absolute chicken scratch! I can barely read it. How are you going to get a job if your employer can't read what you write?
He said Don't worry, Miss. I'm going to be a doctor.
I'm great in bed
I barely move, and I don't snore either.
A man goes to see a s**... therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking
\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!
\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.
\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?
\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.
I just barely crossed the finish line in a Law and Order 5k race.
I would have got first, but the cops beat me to it.
Growing up with a trans parent is hard
You barely ever get to see them
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
One moment Chris D'Elia's the King of Comedy
the next he's barely regal.
A man meets a foreign girl, they flirt with each other, and end up sleeping with each other.
After the man came, he asked her 'you finish'?
She shook her head.
Dutifully the men got back to work, and after another round of l**... he asked her 'you finish?'
The girl shook her head again.
The man barely had any energy left, but continued the l**... nonetheless. In the end he collapses on the bed and asks again 'you finish?'
The girl shakes her head and replies 'No, I'm Swedish'.
My glasses have broken
I can barely look forward to buying new ones
