Bare Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Bare puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Bare

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?

**An astro-fizzy-tits**

Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.


Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...

I moved over and asked her why she was crying.

"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.

I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."

I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."

"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."

-----



Steve Wright

A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

Me: I only got the bear essentials.

Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said


What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf MILF content before accessing other videos.

That's the bare mini mum.

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business

He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.

I bet he felt pretty good about himself...

A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man's luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is the first customer in line. Knowing he had to take advantage of the opportunity, he buys 2,000 rounds each of .45's and 9mm's. Happy that he was finally able to find some ammo, he loads his purchase into the back of his pick-up truck and heads to the range. On the way, he stops at a gas station to fill up. A beautiful, buxom blonde pulls up next to him and notices the thousands of rounds of ammo in his truck bed. Well aware of the ammo shortage, and being an avid shooter herself, she decides to offer the man a proposition: "I couldn't help but notice all the ammo in the back of your truck," she purrs, "how about we trade some ammo for a little sex?" The man considers her offer, knowing his previous difficulty. "Sure", he says, "what kind of ammo you got?"

A mailman is working his last day after 20 years of faithful service to a neighborhood.

When he delivers the mail to the first house, the man comes out, hives him some fine cigars and says "So long, I'm really going to miss you."
When he goes to the next house, the woman there comes out and gives him a bottle of fine wine. She too is very sorry to see him go, and tells him she'll miss him. When he comes over to the next house, a beautiful women answers the door, bare naked. She beckons him upstairs and makes the most passionate love to him that he has ever had. She then takes him downstairs and gives him the best breakfast he has ever had. When he's clearing his plate, he notices a dollar bill under the plate. He then says to the woman "This is very nice and all, but I have to ask what this is all about?"

She says "Actually, it was my husbands idea. When I asked him what we should do for you on your last day of work, he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.

This guy at a party tried pressuring me into getting a tattoo...

..but I reminded him I have the right to bare arms.

What do you call a bear without fur?

Bare.


A vegan told me I shouldn't eat animals because I can't kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

Many Saudi women are fans of the Second Amendment.

They would like a right to bare arms.

Why don't Canadians wear tank tops?

They don't have the right to bare arms

How do nudists greet each other?

With a bare hug.

Visiting married friends

Hamish MacTavish is visiting his married friends Sandy and Glenda MacDougal.

Sandy, I can't help it, says Hamish, but Glenda really turns me on. If I could pinch her bare backside just once, I would give you a thousand dollars.

For that kind of money, says Sandy, I don't think that Glenda would mind. Would you, Glenda? Go ahead and pinch her.

Glenda leans over a chair and exposes her behind. Hamish looks at it... and just keeps looking.

Finally, after five minutes, he says, I just can't do it.

Why not? asks Sandy, have you not got the nerve?

It is not that, says Hamish, I have not got the money.

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

What do you call a stoner who is also a nudist?

Smokey the bare

Why did the blonde wax her biceps?

She was exercising her right to bare arms.

I had an idea for a joke concerning an archeologist and a nudist,

But, no matter how deep I dig, the punchline seems bare

A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him.

He remained unharmed.

I wear tank tops because of the Second Amendment.

I sure do love my right to bare arms.

I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands.

It was a spectacle to behold.

"So do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can I use some sort of climbing device?"

The latter.

Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs?

She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.

Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?

Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.

The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

Why do rednecks cut their sleeves off?

They have the right to bare arms

Their ones was a very old monk...

who took a while to get anywhere he was going because he was afraid that he would fall and break something. Everywhere he went he would walk in his bare feet because he had forsworn shoes as part of his vows. His breath was so bad that people claimed that they could smell it from the other room. They called him the Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis.

Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or...

Bare bears bear bare bears.

I heard it's impossible to ban Tank tops in the US...

Something about the right to bare arms...

Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

Why do rednecks wear t-shirts with the sleeves cut off?

They have the right to bare arms.

Oprah promises prosecution of all women in sleeveless dresses when she takes office

She is against the right to bare arms.

If the President rides equestrian without a saddle, what do you call the animal he's on?

Bare Horse One.

What do you call a naked femboy?

A bare trap.

I like my women like quality agronomy soil...

..good penetration to 8", bare surface, and minimal crust.

My Dad and I walk outside in sub-zero temperatures, and he's wearing a t-shirt.

Me: "Dad, it's really cold, don't you want to wear a coat?"
Dad: "I'm just exercising my second-ammendment rights."
Me: "........."
Dad: "My right to bare arms."

What do you call a naked dwarf?

The bare minimum

What do you call a bear with no hair?

Bare

A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director

Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."

So what? she was just trying to reassure you...

She was talking to the surgeon!

What's the bare minimum?

1 Bear

I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it's totally violates the second amendment.

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

I decided to shave from my shoulder down to my wrists.

I wanted to exercise my right to bare arms.

What's the bare minimum?

One bear.

I just barely crossed the finish line in a Law and Order 5k race.

I would have got first, but the cops beat me to it.

What do you get when a dwarf mother turns up naked?

The bare minimum.

Damned TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

Where do you get bare minerals from?

A strip mine

Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away with impressive acceleration; he holds the painting tauntingly out of the back of the van to mock the guards who tried to stop him, standing aghast on the museum steps. A passerby comments to his friend, "wow, look at that van go!"

"No, you idiot," his friend says, "that's a Rembrandt."

Why is Spring considered so dangerous?

Because it gives you the right to bare arms.

I'm confident I'd be able to rip a phone book in half with my bare hands.

Because as a U.S. Southerner, when I fix my unsweetened tea, I open all my sweeteners at once.

The polar bear sleeps in his little bear skin . . .

he sleeps very well, I am told.

Last night I slept in my little bare skin,

and I got a heck of a cold!

I'm planning on opening a combined cocktail bar and waxing salon.

I'm going to call it "Gin and Bare It".

Why does barely anyone use Butter anymore?

I'm tired of it being so margarinelized.

Old Mrs. Hubbard

Old Mrs. Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her old dog a bone.

But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,

so he gave her a bone of his own

I was on a guided tour of an Indian Reservation when this streaker ran past our group wearing nothing but a headdress.

I asked the tour guide. "Who's that idiot?"

He replied.."That's Running Bare"

Bareknuckle boxing is a little less manly...

...when you refer to it as "topless fisting".

-&y
(again, tis written by me!)

TIL Johann Travlossky once stopped a moving freight train with his bare hands

He was the engineer

Little Hamish McLain fell asleep under a tree...

His friend Glenna saw him napping and tried to wake him but he didn't budge. She had always wondered if it was true that Scotsmen don't wear anything under their kilts so she lifted it up and took a peek. Sure enough, there was nothing under the kilt save Hamish's bare skin. Before she left, she decided to leave him a little hint she had been there so she pulled a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around his John Thomas.

When Hamish awoke he trotted off home where he found his mother had prepared a warm bath. As he was undressing his mother noticed the little blue ribbon.

"Oh, Hamish!" she exlaimed. "I don't know where you've been or what you've been doing, but I'm sure glad you took first place."

Three nuns were getting ready for bed,

Changing out of their robes and into nightgowns.

Halfway through undress, breast bare, they hear a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" calls the first nun.

"I'm the blind guy!"

The second nuns asks, "You're a blind guy?"

"Yes, I'm the blind guy!"

The third nun, thinking there's no harm in letting a blind guy come in while everyone was half naked opens the door and allows the man in.

The man, eyes wide and with a surprised look says, "Wow, nice tits, sisters!"

All three nuns, astonished and embarrassed quickly try to cover themselves up.

"You said you were a blind guy!" The first nun exclaims.

"Yah," he says. "I'm here to install your blinds."

A lawyer goes to court with no sleeves on

The judge asks "Why are you sleeveless in my court?"


The lawyer looked in straight faced and said "I have the right to bare arms sir".

Did you know tank tops were illegal until the U.S constitution came out?

It gave people the right to bare arms.

Obama goes to a Halloween party

Obama is invited to a Halloween costume party with other members of the government. He arrives completely naked with a bare woman clinging to his back. He walks around and attracts the obvious attention and disgust of the other people in the party, until someone asks him what he's supposed to be dressed as.
"Why, I'm a snail!" he exclaimed with the woman still attached to his back.
"Oh yeah," one man responds "who's that woman on your back?"
"Her? She's not just any woman. She's Michelle!"

I barely passed my professional dredging qualification.

Just about managed to scrape a sea.

What do you call a person that commits a robbery with his bare hands?

An armed robber..

Blonde Joke

Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes