Barber Jokes
127 barber jokes and hilarious barber puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about barber that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this hilarious collection of barber jokes ranging from bad barber puns to stories involving crooked sideburns and celebrity cosmetologist Celeste Barber. Enter the barber shop and get ready to giggle!
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Funniest Barber Short Jokes
Short barber jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The barber humour may include short hairdresser jokes also.
- Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
- Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
- My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years! Never knew he was a barber
- In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
- I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs! I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.
- A barber got arrested.. A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
- What do you call a German barber? Herr Kutz
(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning) - Yesterday a barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years And I didn't even know he was a barber.
- A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised I had no idea he was a barber
- Our neighbourhood barber got arrested for selling drugs after we had been his customer for 5 years. We had no idea he was a barber
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Barber One Liners
Which barber one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with barber? I can suggest the ones about hair stylist and razor.
- Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard? The barber
- Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
- A man walks into a psychic barber shop Barber: say no more
- I decided to switch to a new barber My current barber just isn't cutting it.
- What do you call someone who has to shave 30 times a day? A barber
- Did you hear about that German barber? You know, Herr Kutz.
- What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work? Army barber
- What do you call a barber that only works on bald people? An air stylist.
- Q. How did the barber win the race? A. He knew a shortcut.
- From my 7 y/o What do you call a bunch of hairdressers having a party?
A Barber-cue - What do you call a German Barber? Herr Cut.
- What did the impatient barber say to his customer? I think we need to cut this short
- I try not to judge my barber for his weight but.. He could be a hair trimmer.
- I didn't like my hair because the barber cut it too short. But then it grew on me.
- My barber is so supportive He's constantly telling me to keep my head up
Barber Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny barber shop jokes and even better barber shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A koala walks into a barber shop A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"
- What did the bee go to the barber shop for? To get a buzz cut.
- A man walks in to Peters and Son barber shop He asks the barber, You Bob Peters?
No we just cut hair. - I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits I do hare cuts, only.
- I don't like going to the barber's shop anymore! He is always looking down on me.
- Walked into my barber's shop today and he said wow you really need a hair cut. I said no I need them all cut.
- What's a business name that could work with a barber shop, a taxidermist, and a deli? Cuts 'n Stuff
- Guy pops his head into a barber shop and asks bob peters here ? Barber says no sir we just cut hair
- Robocop lost his job on the Police force.. He's found new employment advertising for a barber shop
Shave now.. or there will be stubble - A son and dad are waiting in a busy, popular barber shop. Dad says, This place is a cookout... First there's a barber queue, then you get a fresh, tasty cut.
Bad Barber Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad barber jokes and even better bad barber puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the disgruntled barber give to the prince? A bad heir day.
- So bad at small talks Nearly asked a barber what he does for a living.
- I find that I can act more freely after I get a bad haircut It's like my barber let's my hair down
- Did you hear about the prince who was having trouble at the barber? He was having a bad heir day.
Heartwarming Barber Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about barber you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hair salon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make barber pranks.
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
Aftershave's aftereffects.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like.
I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.
So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.
A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.
After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""
A man and a boy go into a barbershop.
After getting his haircut, the man says, Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon.
When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, When is your father coming back to pay?
The boy says, He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut.
A little girl went with her father to the barber to get his hair cut....
...and her father gave her a snack cake to keep her quiet.
As she she frolicked around the barber shop with it, the barber warned, "Little girl, you are going the get hair on your t**...!"
She replied, "I know! I'm gonna grow boobies too!"
The Three Barbers
There are three barbershops on a small street in Amsterdam. The first barbershop has a sign saying 'best barber in the town'
The second has a sign saying 'best barber in the world'.
And the third has a sign saying 'best barber on the street'
I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week.
I told him it's growing on me.
Politican sees the scottish barber
A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".
A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."
Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."
The Barbershop
So the other day I walked into a barbershop,
The barber came up to me and asked," Hey how can I help you sir??"
I told him that, " I just need a short cut" as I walked across his store and
right out through the b**...
An old man went to get a shave...
And the barber handed him a wooden ball to put in his mouth against his cheek to make his wrinkled skin smooth. After it was over with the man said "let me ask you something, what would've happened if I swallowed the ball?" And the barber says "just bring it back in two to three days like everyone else"
Not everyone can brag about getting a h**... from their barber after a haircut...
But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.
A man walks into a barbershop...
...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."
The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."
The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."
So, I went to go get my haircut..
And I told the barber to make the left side a little shorter than my right. Then I told him to make a couple of little holes and bald patches. And for the back of my head, don't make my hairline equal. Make it a zigzag.
He looks at me and says, "Come on, you know I can't do that, it wouldn't be right!"
And I'm like, "I don't see the problem, you did it last time..."
Very few people can brag about getting a h**... from their barber after a haircut nowadays.
Then again, very few people cut their own hair.
"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"
A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like."
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
My local barber was busted today for dealing drugs.
I'm in shock. I've been a loyal customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.
I never knew he was a barber.
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A young lad enters a barber shop...
and the barber whispers to his customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?
The boy licked his cone and replied,
Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!
My barber asked me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that shaves me (shaves me)
I used to know a guy who s**... around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day
He was a Barber.
A man asked a woman how often she s**......
She told him, "About 15-20 times a day."
He asked her, "What's wrong with you!?!"
She told him, "I'm a barber."
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs...
I'm still baffled, I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
Who shaves many times a day but still has a beard?
The barber.
A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.
A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.
The Old Cowboy's Shave
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .
Barber in my town was arrested for dealing drugs...
Shame, was his customer for years, never knew he cut hair.
My barber is an idiot.
He always puts my cape on the wrong way around.
My barber asked me what I wanted today. I replied, "I dunno. Do something that makes me look more s**...!"
So she started throwing back shots of v**....
A man walks into a barbershop
He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"
The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."
The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"
You're in the Army Now
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
How did the barber win a race?
He knew a short cut.
What does the barber do to the moon's hair?
Eclipse it.
A barber in my neighbourhood got arrested for selling drugs
I was shocked, never knew he was a barber too.
My local barber got arrested for selling c**.... This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...
...that he was a barber.
Wow a lot of police in my neighbourhood tonight...
Apparently, the barber got arrested. He was dealing in drugs and running an e**... service. Crazy how you think that you know someone, have been customer for years! Never knew he was a barber too...
A barber got arrested in my town
He sold drugs and ran an e**... service. Just shows how little you know of the people around you. I never knew he was an barber.
My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth
My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally s**... the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "
A guy goes to a barbershop
The barber claims to have a new machine that can cut everyone's hair equally well.
But that's ridiculous! Says the customer, not everyone has the same size and shaped head!
The barber responds, They do afterward
Not many people can brag about getting a h**... from the barber after a haircut
but then again not many people cut their own hair.
Ba dum tiss.
My neighborhood barber got arrested this morning for dealing drugs. I'm utterly shocked. I've been his customer for years!
I had no idea he was a barber.
Why is Satan's barber always nervous?
Because last time he messed up there was h**... toupee.
The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.
Never knew he was a barber, though.
I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise
So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.
I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever!
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
Not everyone gets a h**... from their Barber
But not everyone cuts their own hair either.
Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop
Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each one being worked on by a different barber, not one word was spoken. When the barbers finished shaving, the barber that had Trump reached for the aftershave. Trump quickly stopped him saying: No thanks, Melania will smell that and think I've been in a brothel. The second barber turned to Biden and said, How about you, Mr. Biden? Joe replied, Go ahead, Jill doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
Now that the barbers have reopened, queues are so long that the staff have started handing out burgers and sausages
10/10 - definitely the best barber queue I've been to
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing..
I've been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber
Who shaves 20 times a day
A BARBER
Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.
First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy s**... man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."
A man an a boy walk into a barbershop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
