The Best 35 Bar Patron Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bar Patron jokes. There are some bar patron jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bar patron puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bar Patron Jokes and Puns

A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.

Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.


Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York Strip dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.


The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying


Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.




———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.

Pavlov is sitting at a bar...

...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"


A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar.

the bartender asks, "what can I get you?"

The patron responds, "just a fruit punch for me, I'm driving"

The bartender says, "great, but you have to get in line."

The patron stops and looks around only to reply, "I don't see a punchline..."

Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since

I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."

To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"

As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"

"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."

After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'

"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."

"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."

The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."

My career's in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?

My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies, Then why the hell are you celebrating?

I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!

Ole and Sven

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"why sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "where ya from?"

"Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are ya from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to old Bergen."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, where did you live?"

"On a boat, at the fishin' docks," replies the second man.

"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishin' docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

Genie with a flaw

A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.

The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"

The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.

"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"

The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."

The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."

"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.

"It shall be done." And the genie disappears.

A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.

"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

The Ballerina

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

You can explore bar patron reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bar patron dad jokes. There are also bar patron puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.

The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.

When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.

To his surprise, it shows a reading of 0.0. Confused, the cop asks the driver, how?

To which the driver replies - Tonight, I am the designated decoy.

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts Free shots for the bar! On that man over there! And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can't see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouring the shot and says:

I have had quite a few beers tonight and I need to work tomorrow. I don't want to be hungover. How strong is the liquor?

Bartender: It's 100 proof.

Anti-vaxxer: That's too much proof for me. I'll skip the shot.

Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳

A man walks into a bar...

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze as the man strolls up to the bar and sets the case down on the counter. Everyone holds their breath. Suddenly, the man flips open the case and pulls out a machine gun! And everyone in the bar breathes a sigh of relief.

A sheriff walks into a saloon, the doors swinging on their hinges behind him

I'm gonna need your attention he exclaims.

Everyone in the bar hushes up.

I'm lookin' for a wanted man says the sheriff.

What's he look like sheriff? asks a patron standing at the bar.

The sheriff responds Well now, he's been seen wearing a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, he also wears brown paper boots and has a brown paper hat. We're calling him the Brown Paper Cowboy.

There's a quiet murmur throughout the bar, until finally someone asks What's he wanted for sheriff?

Sheriff replies Rustling

A man walks into a bar

And pulls out a small piano, a small chair, and a small man. Theman walks over to the piano and starts playing it.

Everyone in the bar is amazed. They ask the man how he did it.

There's a genie outside granting wishes, says the man.

Upon hearing this, one of the bar patrons runs out of the bar and asks the genie, Are you granting wishes?

The genie says yes, so the man asks, give me a million bucks! And bam! A million ducks appear.

The guy goes back into the bar and says, hey! That genie is deaf!

The other guys replies, yeah, I know. Do you think i'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.

Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.

He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"

A man was having a heart attack at a bar

When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.


A man is sitting at a bar...

Orders a shot, pulls a picture out of his shirt pocket, looks at it, takes a shot. Same routine repeats 6 more times. Bartender asks: "Hey buddy, next round is on the house, if you tell me what your routine is all about".

"Ok", says patron, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and I look at it before I drink. When she starts to look hot, I know it's time for me to go home"

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer.

The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested that the drunk prove he isn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey, Pal, I think your girl friend has gone home."

A pirate walks into a bar,

He has what appears to be a steering wheel tucked into his pants.
Another patron of the bar asks,
"why do you have that in your pants? Isn't it uncomfortable?"
The pirate responded,
"Aye, matey, it's driving me nuts!"

Went to the Dad Bar the other night...

It was a slow night. There was only the bartender and few other dads sitting at the bar.

I walked up to the bar and the bartender greeted me, "How are ya?"

I replied, "I am thirsty."

Everyone shouted out, "Hi Thirsty!"

The bartender continued pointing to the other patrons, "and this is 'Starving, Tired, and uh...Horny."

An unattractive person walks into a bar with a duck under their arm

The bartender says - where did you get that huge pig?

The patron responds - this isn't a pig, it is my emotional support duck!

Bartender - I was talking to the duck.

Hitler and Stalin

Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar. A patron walks up to the bar and asks the barman if that's Hitler and Stalin sitting over there. He says yes.The man goes over to Hitler and Stalin and asks what they are doing. "We're planning world war 3" says Stalin. "We're going to kill 14 million Jews and 1 bike repair man" says Hitler. "Why the bike repair man?" The patron asks. Hitler says to Stalin "See? i told you no one would ask about the Jews"

So a rhino walks into a bar...

and several patrons pay their tabs and leave because they see the danger in this situation.

Version of previous post.

One of the patrons at a bar opened a bag of potato chips and gave it to the bartender's dog. When the dog ate the contents of the bag, he lay down and started grooming his genitals. A guy says to his friend ''I wish I could do that.'' The friend replies ''Well give him a chip and maybe he will let you.''

Cocktail

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir.

A guy walks into a bar

He sees some meat hanging off the ceiling. Curious he asks the bartender,

"What's with all the hanging meat?"

Bartender replies, "It's a challenge for the patrons. If you can touch the meat, you win $1000. If you can't, I pluck one of your eyeballs out."

The man looks at the floor, then looks up to the ceiling. He then says,

"I won't do it...the steaks are too high."

Two bears walk into a bar.

All the patrons ran out of the back screaming.

The letter K walks into a bar...

Bartender: We don't allow any noisy patrons in here.

K: No problem, I'm mostly silent anyway.

So my bf and I walk into a bar. We notice this guy kept hitting on the female bartender by telling her corny jokes as she fake chuckles.

One joke involved him asking her why no one trusted atoms. (Because they make up everything). My bf retaliates with his own joke... 'What do female bartenders like most about their male Patrons?.... Just the tip' 😎

Nigel Farage walks into a bar

Convinces the patrons to set it on fire, and then leaves.

The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.

So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like and tie and returns to the doorman.

The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".

McPherson walked into a bar...

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bar patron jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bar patron piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes